05: What Impacts Sexual Desire

Summary:Have you ever wondered why your "Va Va Voom" feels more like "Va Va... Meh"? You're not alone! I mean, it's no joke when your inner fire starts resembling a flickering birthday candle! Whether it's your crazy-busy life, your hormones having their own teen drama, or your relationship needing some extra spice, the struggle is so very real.Yes, Mars and Venus are different planets with different turn-ons. No, not all men dream in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues, and not all women need a 20-chapter romance novel. But understanding these key differences - that's what we’re focusing on today!And who better to help me answer a listener question about sexual desire than my very own son, Cooper! That's right, today’s episode is a family affair, diving into why you should treat your libido like a treasured heirloom: worth maintaining and sharing with your spouse! What is sexual desire?Sexual desire may have many different meanings depending on who you ask, but for the sake of this episode, we’re defining it as how much you want to engage in sexual activity.Just like Mars and Venus, men and women have different experiences when it comes to sexual desire. Men generally have spontaneous sexual desire, and research shows that they think about sex an average of 19 times each day. For women, sexual desire can be less frequent and less spontaneous. Women experience desire most often as a response to some sort of stimulus. From a gendered perspective, women may not spend as much time actively thinking about sex as men do. Even as a sex therapist, I can attest that I personally don't constantly dwell on sexual thoughts. On a day-to-day basis, we don't often find ourselves preoccupied with thoughts of sex.Women have a responsive desire and crave the sense of being wantedWomen aren’t just thinking about sex all day long - we’re wired more for “responsive desire”. You might not start your day brimming with passion, but once you engage in some form of sexual activity—even just fantasizing—your desire gears up like a smoldering fire finally catching a flame.When it comes to long-term relationships, we often daydream that they're an endless buffet of desire. The reality check? Desire, especially for women, can be more like a limited-time offer. Emotional closeness doesn't always mean you're perpetually in the mood, contrary to what those fairytales told us.Here's another curveball: Mystery is to desire what seasoning is to a good meal. The more familiar you get with your partner's habits, the more the element of surprise evaporates. And let's face it, commitment in a monogamous relationship doesn't automatically mean you're top of the "desire" charts. It's different from the thrill of dating, when your partner was actively choosing you, not just sticking around out of obligation.This unique feeling of being the apple of someone's eye can fade as time marches on, giving way to less excitement and fewer spontaneous intimate moments. Many couples settle into a comfort zone, a repetitive pattern that could use some jazzing up. However, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Open communication and new experiences can help you reignite that waning spark, keeping your love life far from mundane.Couples with higher desire do things differentlyWonder how your relationship may differ from those couples with really high sexual desire? There are 3 distinct things these couples do that other couples probably aren’t doing on a consistent basis.1) High desire couples are more likely to have consistent orgasms. That means that both partners are reaching the finish line more often, and it also means that both partners are focused on helping the other get there too! No one is being stingy with the big-O!We have to keep in mind that it takes a lot more stimulation for a woman to have an orgasm. On average, 20 to 40 minutes is the range for women to have direct clitoral stimulation needed to have an orgasm. On the other hand, for guys, it takes 3 to 5 minutes on average. For the ladies, there are very few shortcuts. This is understandable considering that the clitoris has 3,000 nerve endings whereas the penis has 1,000.2) Couples that have higher desire are more likely to have oral sex and more sexual variety to set the mood. They make use of sex toys, scented candles, romantic music, sexy lingerie, and more. Many couples aren’t wanting to have sex because the sex they have is actually boring and very routine. There’s nothing spicing it up! Simple things like changing the time of day, the room you have sex in, doing role playing or trying a new position, is all it takes to get that desire off the charts and have a great sexual experience!3)Couples with higher desire communicate about sex. This is incredibly important for couples to establish a more intimate connection between them. In order for each partner to have the best sex, you have to be able to communicate what you need from your partner. So, talking about sex - desires, fantasies, turn offs, and other needs - means you’ll be having not just more sex than the average couple, but better sex too!Are you someone you’d want to be intimate with?“Oh look, a squirrel!” I’m sure you’re familiar with this level of distraction that often robs you of sexual desire at the very moment your partner is revved up and raring to go!Women especially tend to struggle with maintaining focus during intimate moments. Commonly, our minds wander to everyday concerns like the kids, laundry, dinner or other responsibilities. These distractions can derail the mood and enthusiasm for sex, making it feel like you’re trying to start a fire with wet wood. Esther Perel, a renowned author and relationship therapist, offers valuable insights on nurturing desire. She reminds us that desire can be nurtured through self-care and a deeper appreciation of our partners, ultimately enriching our relationships.Sexual desire starts with you. If you feel desirable and you allow yourself to tap into your sexual side, getting “in the mood” is a much shorter trip. Once we've tapped into our erotic selves, the focus shifts to desiring our partners. It's not just about sexual acts but also appreciating non-sexual aspects of them, like their scent, their touch, and the intimate connection that comes from being close. The entire experience, from emotional connection to physical intimacy, contributes to desire.Connect with Dr. Heather England:WebsiteLinkedInSubstack (A Midlife Reckoning)WorkshopsReady to spice up your sex life? Get my guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life”