056: Beyond “You’re OK!”: Modeling Emotion Regulation

I hear a huge crash. It’s my favorite glass vase.  I hear “I didn’t mean to hurt it, Mommy!  It just fell!” as I run full-pelt from the other end of the house. It was a family heirloom passed down by my grandmother.  I’ve asked her not to touch it a hundred times.  I am beyond furious.  “Please don’t be mad, Mommy.  It was an accident.” I clench my teeth.  “I’m not mad.” _______________________________________________________   What does my daughter learn from this exchange?  How does my own emotional regulation affect what she learns about how to regulate her own emotions?  We’ll learn about this in today’s episode. Note that this episode is the second in the ill-fated experimental short episodes – we’ll be back to the regular length hereafter!  In case you missed it, the first episode in this series was Three Reasons Not To Say You’re OK.   Taming Your Triggers If you need help with your own big feelings about your child’s behavior, register for the Taming Your Triggers workshop. We’ll help you to: Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause themUse new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children’s needsEffectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered   Click the banner to learn more!     Other episodes mentioned in this show How parenting affects child developmentThe impact of divorce on a child’s developmentHow to scaffold children’s learning to help them succeed   Jump to highlights 00:00 The story of the broken vase, and a listener's question about staying "unruffled" 03:16 Two strategies adults use to cope with stress: reappraisal versus suppression 06:40 Why a parent's emotional suppression limits a child's own reappraisal skills 09:03 Reimagining the vase story using reappraisal instead of suppression 12:13 Practical takeaways: the power of a pause before responding   References Bariola, E., Hughes, E.K., & Gullone, E. 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