082: Regulating emotions: What, When, & How

We’ve already covered emotion regulation a few times on the show: there were these older short episodes on Three Reasons Not to Say “You’re OK!” and Modeling Emotion Regulation, as well as the more recent one on Dr. Stuart Shanker’s book Self-Reg.   But I realized I’d never done the episode that should underlie all of these, which discusses what actually is emotion regulation and when (for crying out loud!) our children will be able to do it.  So we cover that in this episode, as well as some resources to help you support your child in developing this capability, the most important of which is Dr. John Gottman’s book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child [affiliate link].   Download your free workbook! If you’re in the thick of struggles with emotion regulation right now and you find yourself punishing or thinking about punishing your child for behavior that’s driving you crazy, you should definitely download the How to Stop Punishing Your Child (And What to Do Instead) workbook that gives you strategies to help both of you cope better with stressful situations.   Taming Your Triggers If you need help with your own big feelings about your child’s behavior, register for the Taming Your Triggers workshop.   We’ll help you to: Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause themUse new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children’s needsEffectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered   Click the banner to sign up!     Jump to highlights 00:21 Introduction to the episode 02:31 Why children's feelings deserve to be trusted 03:32 Why there's no single definition of emotion regulation 10:16 How researchers assess a secure attachment relationship 13:32 Stages of emotion regulation development from infancy through age five 17:35 Why the toddler years can feel like backsliding, and why that's normal 23:04 What parenting behaviors help or hinder executive function 25:04 Flooding: how a parent's own dysregulation can escalate a conflict 28:51 How sibling relationships shape emotion regulation 32:04 The unique role fathers play in developing emotion regulation 34:04 A critical look at the Zones of Regulation curriculum 36:56 A curriculum with stronger evidence: Dr. John Gottman's approach   References Blankson, A.N., O’Brien, M., Leerkes, E.M., Marcovitch, S., Calkins, S.D., & Weaver, J.M. 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