Howdy y'all, it is Jeffrey Craner. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Night Vale you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you, we're gonna be in Europe. If you want to see Night Vale live and you're gonna be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May.
We're gonna be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to welcometonightvale.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is our newest Night Vale live show, Murder Night in Blood Force.
It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Disparition, and starring Jessica Nicole.
So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Night Vale for all of your Night Vale needs.
You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Night Vale. Also, we have Random Horror Number 9. That is me and Night Vale star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do Best Worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDb, the worst rated on IMDb, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDb.
So check out all of those at nightvalepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, thanks. Good evening, fine citizens. I'm your late night host this week, here to keep you company after sundown.
Welcome to Night Vale. As you regular listeners already know, I took over the night shifts this week because I've been spending my days with a very special house guest. Well, more like one and a half house guests. My favorite cousin Sabina is visiting and she's seven months pregnant with what will be my second ever niece.
Well, my first ever niece once removed. That takes too long. Let's do niecelet. My sister's daughter Janice is a teenager.
It's been so long since I've had a new baby in my family. So if you hear a certain knowing avuncular quality in my voice, it's because you are listening to an expectant uncle. I'm already getting some of those leather patches sewed onto the elbows of my windbreaker. All week, Sabina and I have been reading baby books and I am a veritable expert at this point.
A baby at seven months is as big as an eggplant. She can already get the hiccups and deja baby vu and has a fully developed sense of comedic timing. I'm holding the eggplant with me here in the studio to practice supporting her neck. Also to make sure I have something to eat when I get home.
Sabina's cleaned out the fridge pretty thoroughly. Back at my place, Sabina's been keeping the radio on 24 7. So the niecelet will know the owner of this dulcet baritone already loves her very much. Hello, almost niece.
Doing all this reading together. It seems crazy to learn just how vulnerable we are when we first enter the world. Did you know that a newborn doesn't even have kneecaps yet? That it has a hole in the top of its skull, which must be taped shut so the newborn does not escape through it during the night.
It's amazing any of us survive to be shaming ceremonies at all. Speaking of rites of passage, the annual Night Vale science fair is scheduled for this Monday night. Every fourth grader is expected to report to the rec center for a fun filled evening of free programs and live demonstrations. Organizers say the kiddos will have a chance to make a one to one scale volcano that spews real ash and molten igneous rock.
They'll learn how a pile of pennies can be transformed into a battery simply by taking those pennies to Walgreens and exchanging them for a pack of Duracell AA's. They'll learn about centripetal force by pouring a bucket full of water and then filling out a worksheet on centripetal force. They'll plant a bean sprout in a styrofoam cup that won't disintegrate until their grandchildren have set off on exploratory missions to find another planet that can support bean sprouts. Hmm, what else might be on the community calendar for this week, you ask?
Well, let me work at my own pace over here, OK, pal? Like all jobs worth doing, this one takes focus and patience. You can't just rush through it. As my optometrist says, measure twice, cut once, then do the left eye.
So I guess that's really measure four times total and then cut two times, but I had an astigmatism, so I ended up just sticking with contacts anyway. So, let's see here. This week's events. On Tuesday night, head over to the bandshell to hear a set from Ouroboros, the rock band that only plays covers of their own songs.
Wednesday, Ablution in Fresca to celebrate the start of the Andorran New Year. Thursday is Thirsty Thursday. Consume no liquids. You're gonna get real thirsty.
Friday has been indefinitely delayed by weather at O'Hare and is now pleading with a United representative for a hotel voucher to avoid sleeping in a plastic chair in Concourse Z. Early morning on Saturday, we are in for a rare astronomical treat. The Earth will fully eclipse the sun, blotting out its light completely so that only a ring of wispy blue remains visible against the blackness. Now, this eclipse will not be observable on Earth, of course.
And to our knowledge, there is no planet on which this phenomenon could be observed. There's just nothing on that particular vector in space. But at 4.13 a.m. on Saturday morning, the total eclipse will occur and that blue corona will shine softly in the dark like a delicate smoke ring.
And that dim blue halo will represent the entirety of us, our dramas, dreams, and disappointments, the first ride without the training wheels, our eighth grade dances, our double windsors and our veils, our sleepless nights in waiting rooms, our rush hour commutes, our dozing through recitals till the one we love goes on, our crying in the car as the one we love leaves home. Just that thin filament of blue on which we wage our peace. Then on Sunday, tacos and gun safety with 3IBill at First Methodist. Stay tuned, savvy listeners, for in a moment, I'll be sharing Night Vale's third quarter economic development report.
To my knowledge, we've never had an economic development report before for any quarter, but the press release looked official and we all know that new municipal arms of government form all the time. Arms that then pull back to be reabsorbed by the governmental shoulder from which they sprouted. But before crunching those numbers, a quick message from today's sponsor. Equinox Gym.
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This has been a word from our sponsor. Now to business news. Whoa, did that sound unusually powerful to you? Oh, I sort of took myself by surprise there.
Like I grew a suit or something. The Night Vale Economic Development Board, or NevecdevB for short and cumbersome, sent a press release at the closing bell of the Night Vale Stock Exchange. The bulletin said that futures are down, way down, although the recent past is trading briskly. In response to declining levels of interest, NevecdevB plans to incentivize consumer spending.
At the start of tomorrow's business day, they'll launch an ad drop campaign of xenophobia, branded as nationalism, branded as civic pride, branded as a 2008 F-150 Ford truck with satellite radio, air conditioned seats, and a heavy duty hitch to haul away whatever it is you're trying to hide. So make plans this weekend to head out towards the used car lot with your hands in the air and your checkbook in your mouth to meet with a salesperson about financing options. You might be surprised by how few years of indentured servitude can get you behind the wheel of a Ford truck. You know what cars make me think of?
Well, Carlos, I guess, but everything makes me think of Carlos. And his name is an anagram of low cars. He's out of town at Erlenmeyer FlaskCon this week and I miss him something fierce. But what I was going to say is that the thought of buying a car reminds me of my niecelet.
It's extraordinary to think that she'll be a teenager someday, getting her driver's permit, then her license, then her crossbow, going through all of these phases we all pass through. It's like there's a future attached to her already. Inside Sabina, there's a baby, and seated inside the baby, there's the toddler. And within her are the blueprints for the girl.
And soon she'll be out here learning to play the sitar and considering vegetarianism, then voting and buying lottery tickets. Well, those are the same thing, really. And I'll get to bear witness to this blooming life. Someday she might Okay, okay, okay, right, calm down, calm down, Cecil, calm down, and you can beat this.
Be like the patient viper who does not strike until his prey is upon him. Be like the praying mantis whose head is a guitar pick. Keep your heart rate low and your focus steady. And good God, sit down, man.
Save your strength. Breathe deep enough to get the air inside your brain and think, what would an uncle do? Hmm. Hmm.
Hmm. Oh, okay, I've got it. Easy. I just need one of you to come and open the door.
Okay, here I am behaving like I'm alone, but of course I'm not alone. Oh, I've got all of Night Vale listening. Woo, that is a relief. Come to think of it, I imagine hundreds of you may be on your way already.
And I can't have the whole town rushing over all at once. That would cause traffic jams, hysteria, straight-line winds gusting up to 60 knots. If you are on your way, just shoot a quick flare into the sky so that everybody knows you're the one on the way. More importantly, so that I know you're on the way.
You guys, it's like 8 p.m. You're not all in your PJs yet. Just need one person to make the trip. It's like an eight-minute drive from your apartment.
Come on! Is no one listening? And the memo from management at the last all-staff meeting did mention low late-night ratings, but this is not low. This is talking into a tin can on a string whose other end is tied to a fire hydrant at the bottom of the sea.
This is utter futility. This is falling in the woods and no one's there to hear you. This is not seeing the Cecil for the trees. This is Kafka meets Beckett and tells him to talk to the hand.
This is... Stop. Full stop. Cecil.
This indignation does me no good at all. Just burns through my oxygen supply, which is running low already. At this rate, I'll never survive until the morning commuters tune in. Just think, Cecil.
Think like an uncle. That's it. There is at least one person listening. Babies never sleep through the night, right?
So you, Nieceslet, you should be able to hear me. Though I imagine the sound of my voice may be muffled by the blankets on the guest bed and Sabina's upcoming losses. All right, Nieceslet, I need you. We've got to find a way to wake up Sabina.
I need you to kick. Brace your little elbows on the soft wall behind you and really kick. Aim for a spot under the ribs, that roof of bone above you. And again.
Kick. Good. Again. Kick.
Good. Again. Now give it everything you've got this time. Sabina, wake up.
This is an emergency. Wake up. Oh, the station phone is ringing. God, I forgot we even had these.
Caller, you're on the air. Hey, Cecil. The baby was keeping me up and I turned on the station and... Sabina!
Oh, thank God you're awake. No, no, it's not a schtick. Listen, I am trapped in the studio and I just need someone to open the door from the outside. OK, I'll be right there.
I'm starving. I may stop by Subway for a mashed potato and Nutella sandwich. Please come now. We've got snacks in the break room pantry.
I think. I'll set you up with some Gorp and gefilte fish. All right. Hey, did you know that there's a faceless old woman living in your home?
She keeps trying to put lotion on my belly while I'm sleeping. Yeah, she does that. Listen, my spare office keys are by the lucky cat. See you soon and thank you, Sabina.
Hey, enough with the lotion, lady. And thank you, Neaclet. At negative two months old, you've already saved a life. And somehow I get the feeling mine might be just the first of many.
If you need bailing out of a tight spot someday, you know who to call. I'm the baritone you can count on any time, kid. Day or night shift. Oh, man, I can't wait for that door to open so I can get a lung full of fresh air.
It's funny how small a room can feel when you're not allowed to leave. Oh, sorry, I forgot who I was talking to for a second. Well, as soon as you're out here breathing air yourself, I'm getting you a pair of cleats and a pair of baby shin guards and a baby cape too. I can't wait to meet you, little hero of a Neaclet.
But first, I'm making your mother some midnight eggplant Parmesan. Stay tuned next for the sounds of a door opening, a rush of oxygen rich air and a wheezing celebration of an overworked respiratory system. Any second now. Any second.
Any second. Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. This episode was written by Dessa with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.
The voice of Sabina was Dessa. Original music by Disparation. This episode's weather was If We Live, also by Disparation. All of that can be found at disparation.info or at disparation.bandcamp.com.
Comments, questions? Email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Night Vale Radio or find a local Confederate monument and just tear that sucker down. Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show and our upcoming live tours in Europe, the US, New Zealand and Australia. Today's proverb, follow your heart.
You need it. Where did it ever learn to walk? Hey, Jeffrey Cranor here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed and it's an L.A.
noir style mystery set in the outskirts of present day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now with season three dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible free if you already have that subscription.
And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership. And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you like Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.
So go check out Unlicensed available now only at Audible.com.