Howdy y'all, it is Jeffrey Cranor. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Night Vale you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026, and I'm here to tell you we're gonna be in Europe. If you want to see Night Vale live and you're gonna be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're gonna be in Edinburgh on May the 27th.
We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to welcometonightvale.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is our newest Night Vale Live show, Murder Night in Blood Force. It is so much fun.
Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead. Brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Disparition, and starring Jessica Nicole.
So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Night Vale for all of your Night Vale needs.
You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Night Vale. Also, we have Random Horror #9. That is me and Night Vale star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do Best Worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDb, the worst rated on IMDb, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middlest rated on IMDb.
So check out all of those at nightvalepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, thanks. The captain has turned off the seatbelt signs and has turned on the ceaseless anxiety signs. Feel free to brood about the cabin.
Welcome to Night Vale. Welcome, listeners. We have a new sponsor. Our show is now sponsored by love.
Definitely consider love when wanting to buy things because love conquers all, makes the world go round, and is all you need. This has been a message from love, conqueror of our former sponsor, money. It's what makes a Subaru a Subaru. Okay, I have returned from the distant cave lands of the baristas, an arduous journey made easier by it being pretty much downhill for the whole mile and a half.
While I was there, I learned that the dreaded Igemony Corporate Prize Contest and Sweepstakes Buzz Marketing Street Team long ago became baristas, distributing Night Vale's case of Canadian club to the citizens of Night Vale itself, meaning that Night Vale has been consuming its own soul, thus making us an Ouroboros of our own selves. I returned because I knew that the best way to fight against Igemony's attempts to drink Night Vale's soul was science. And I'm very into science. Or at least I am very into someone who is very into science.
Once a year, all the scientists in the world gather in Lucerne, Switzerland to calibrate their instruments to the length of Carlos's hair. That appraisal is occurring right now, so of course, Carlos isn't in town. I'm on my own because the cause of science is important, but so is defending Night Vale. And one of the best parts about being in a couple is that when each of you is good at one thing, it's like the couple is good at two things.
This message was brought to you by love, it turns out. More on my plans to defeat Igemony as I desperately figure out what they are. But first, some local news. Night Vale Community College announced its new slate of winter semester continuing education courses.
Introduction to Gibbering, Conversational Gibbering, Intermediate Gibbering, Advanced Gibbering, and Ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arrangement. Community College professor Adriano Capiello, who teaches French Gibbering, said, Ouvre vos livra page 3 et criez avant de vous faire bouffer. Professor Capiello, once considered a failure in his field, has developed what he calls a charisma ray. And now, everyone thinks he's A-OK, an exciting thinker, an excellent dancer, and an entirely inadequate human being.
When asked for comment, Professor Capiello responded by listing everything he could think of that was not a type of gum. By the time he finished, his charisma ray had worn off, and everyone realized Professor Capiello is in fact a terrible person who attempts to court the friendship of students whose attractive naivete is subverted, ironically, by how they gradually accumulate the tools of critical analysis in his classes, meaning they apply what he himself taught them to judge him harshly, ultimately growing to resent his falseness, thus leaving his charisma ray utterly useless in the face of a culturally awakened classroom. Professor Capiello denied this by stringing together a bunch of French verbs related to the behaviors of aquatic animals. Those interested in continuing education should read a book for once.
Okay, so earlier this morning, I walked across the street to get a two-pound bag of kiwis at Ralph's and had the most remarkable experience. Well, first, I passed the same barista I always pass along the way, the one at the abattoir, but this time she gave me a friendly wink of recognition. And then another barista, the one in the produce aisle, he scalded my face with steam and said my mother was so pungent, people thought she was an under-roasted Sumerian bean, and I have never felt so welcome. But the amazing thing was, when I tried to pay for my fruit, the cashier said, Don't you love kiwis?
And I said I did. And he said, I love them too. And I love working here. So take the kiwis.
Your love is your payment. So I took the kiwis and later shared them with my brother-in-law, Steve Carlsberg, who said, I love these. Then he added, I love you, brother. And I nodded.
It seems that Night Vale is now a love-based economy. Oh, wait, this just in. Ralph's would like to explain that the cashier made a mistake. It's perfectly fine that he loves working there and that I love the kiwis, but I do still have to pay for them.
That makes more sense. But I'm a little disappointed. Still, because of the incredibly effective new sponsorship of our program, love is definitely in the air in Night Vale. At Dark Owl Records, there is now a loudspeaker outside and store owner Michelle Nguyen is publicly playing the records she loves the most, something she has never done.
These albums aren't vinyl, but discs made of chalkboard slate being spun underneath the needle and amplified through an outdoor speaker system. People who were strangers only moments ago are gazing into each other's eyes with looks of admiration and hunger. That made it awkward to spy on them. Not impossible, of course, just awkward, which has caused several members of the vague yet menacing government agency who sit outside our homes in dark sedans to step out of their cars and offer hugs to anyone who would like to have a hug placed on their permanent record.
There are reports of unidentified citizens running by fountains waving flowers and balloons and handing out otters. The sheriff's secret police have replaced their patrol car sirens with Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You. The hooded figures who stand in and around the forbidden dog park are still terrifying to look at or even think about. But one of them is waving.
That's probably the most expressive form of love that they have. Love is everywhere. But also, there has been a subtle shift. As love has become more prevalent, its value has decreased significantly.
The angel, who is definitely former billionaire Marcus Vanston, who is now named Erica, said that they have drawn on a cocktail napkin an economic model for supply-side feelings, where those with the most feelings will then trickle down the love to those with the least. Even here in our radio studio, I am feeling such love for you right now, listener. I love this microphone and this cable and the mixing board. I love these blinking phone lines.
Ah, you know, maybe we should take some calls. Hi, this is Cecil. You're on the air. I love you.
Oh, I love you too. Next caller, you're on the air with Cecil Palmer. I love you. Did you just call from the other line?
Oh, uh, no. Uh, I love you. Ah, my mistake. You know, I love our community, our mayor, our angels, and even our weather.
I love you. Don't get your hopes up again. Treat every new day like a friend. Just smile and turn into the wind.
Treat every new day like the end. Treat every new day like the end. Don't get your hopes up again. Treat every new day like a friend.
Just smile and turn into the wind. Treat every new day like the end. The Volkswagen Atlas is a seven-seat powerhouse that actually makes sense for real life. It's got cargo space for all your gear, the dogs, and even half of your rec league soccer team.
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SUVW. German engineered for all. Now, how did you... The devil wears Prada 2.
He's the movie event 20 years in the making. I'll keep the secrets anymore, so I think we just we should tell her. Will you two I should say that, when I followed you to the baristas... You followed me?
Sure, I was the one with the Admiral Tip It sideburns. Oh my God, that was you? Those were so good! Thank you!
That took me hours to grow them. Anyway, after all that, I was planning on telling my team leaders at Igemoni we were too late and to abandon our plans. Oh, well, that's good. And to buy all of Night Vale to help with Igemoni's debt acquisition.
Oh, well, that's bad. There's a glitch. I've fallen in love. Pardon?
Igemoni has highly secured communications, corporate demands that we only send messages on postcards from lakeside resorts. Oh, I shouldn't have said that out loud. Siri, remind me to prostrate myself before HR at 4 p.m. today.
Anyway, I was at the post office, standing in line, behind... Well, it was the strangest thing, you'll never guess. I was standing in line behind... A dog with a man's head.
Yeah, that guy's always there. Um, spoiler. We don't have quite so many folks like that back at the office, and it made me pay closer attention to... Everything around me.
The first thing I noticed was this particular post office was selling stamps. Then I noticed the stamps had no denomination on them, just the word... Forever. I've worked in retail before, put myself through high school operating a mall kiosk that sold decorative soaps and customers there, as you might well guess, can be mean or even cruel, saying things like, Do you have anything vanilla-scented?
Or, um, they'd also say things like, I'd like to buy some soap. It was awful. So I am always extraordinarily polite to clerks, sometimes even flirtatious. When I got to the head of the line at the post office, I winked at the clerk, and seven of her eight eyes winked back.
And then I said, Forever stamps. That's quite a promise. And you know what she said? No.
Nothing. It turns out she was a spider and didn't care what I thought. But, Cecil, it was the way she didn't care. I had a Mackinac Island postcard to mail, and it was important because it's my report back about how we're going to subsume Night Vale.
Okay, see, this is what I was getting at. And I realized that she probably sent a dozen Mackinac Island postcards that day, and mine was no different. She asked me if anything in my envelope was liquid, hazardous, insidious, shameful, or emotionally fragile. And I said, No more so than my heart.
And then a mosquito hawk got caught in her web, and she raced over to wrap it in a webbing and then dissolve its body with her venom so she could later drink its liquid corpse like a child with a juice box. Aw. I know, it was so sweet. Now, I am not a poetic man, Cecil, but I was inspired.
Have you noticed that love seems to be in the air right now? Like that Mariah Carey song. I had a vision of love, and it was this crazy dream where I was in the park and trees were made entirely out of recycled aluminum cans, and you were there, but you looked just like me, only with a nosebleed. Oh, I love that song.
My husband and I danced to that at our wedding. Anyway, I was close enough to smell her perfume, and, well, I asked if I could have a book of the forever stamps. And she asked, Which kind? And I said, The Wonder Woman stamps.
And she said that they were out of them. So I said, because I've worked in retail before and I try to feel like all of us are in this together, that I was feeling shortchanged by the whole forever business then. And I said it with a frown on my lips, but a smile in my eyes, like this. See?
Yes, please stop it. Cecil, she handed me back my change and said, Next human entity in line. And I love her. I love Night Vale.
So I'm staying here until she loves me too. Wait, what? See, Night Vale is in my heart now, and it's in Ijimoni's heart. We want to pivot our company mission.
See, we don't want to drink Night Vale's soul. We want to cross-pollinate our startup model with Night Vale's greatest asset. Love. We want to take all of his love, such great content, by the way, and program it into an app that users can just access from anywhere.
I can get our street teams on this right now to inspire the dreamfluencers to talk about love. It's your station's new sponsor, right? So let's value add social media platform to... Oh, look, it's right here.
It was under my desk after all. I'm sorry, what? The case of whiskey. Yep, here it is.
Look at it. I don't understand. Open it. It's a cardboard box with the Canadian Club logo on the side.
There's bottles of Canadian Club in here, but I don't get it. The town and the former street team drank this long ago. How is it under your desk? Um, have you ever heard of...
science? I've watched a TED Talk. I know everything about science. Well, there's this thought experiment where a cat is in a box, but it's unknown whether the cat is alive and peacefully sleeping or, in fact, alive and just clawing and vomiting on everything because, well, it's a cat.
Since both things could be true, both things are true. This isn't sounding familiar. Well, your husband clearly isn't a scientist. Or how is the impossible?
Hey, with love and science, anything is possible. Now, go drink your whiskey. I guess I completed my goals here then, and this fulfills my obligation to my employer, and I won't be staying in Night Vale to pursue my true love. Aww.
Do you need help carrying that to your car? Our newest intern, Makani, can help you. Hey, Makani! Is this for real?
Wow. You think fulfilling a quest of 40 years like that would be an incredible feeling, but... This is slightly disappointing. Hmm.
The realest thing is disappointment. Bye now. Okay, listeners, Mr. Jackman is gone, so I can tell you how I managed this.
I bought a new case of Canadian Club at the Ralphs by using... money. Haha, yep, please welcome back a classic sponsor to the show, money. Money.
It fixes all your problems. There are no drawbacks to acquiring it or using it to change the destiny of others. Corruption, organized crime, and economic inequality may occur. Ask your doctor if you can afford even a routine checkup.
So listeners, that's all for our show tonight. Ooh, I have just gotten a text from Lucerne, and yes, all of the scientific instruments in the world are set properly. And all measuring will occur with precise precision because of my husband, who is coming home. And he's bringing fancy Swiss chocolate, the kind with the little flecks of salmon skin.
Aw, that's so sweet. Okay, I know money is sponsoring this show, but just for a moment, I have to put a word in for love. Love is pretty good. Okay, done.
Money. It momentarily defers desolation. Stay tuned next for our exciting new game show, what's in the box? No, what's in the f***ing box?
And as always, good night, Night Vale. Good night. Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. This episode was written by Glenn David Gold with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor, and produced by Joseph Fink.
The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Hugh Jackman was Hunter Canning. Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at Disparition.info or at Disparition.bandcamp.com.
This episode's weather was Turn Into It by Jamie Browning. Link for more music in the show notes. Comments, questions? Email us at info at welcome2nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at NightValeRadio or place your ear against the earth until you think you hear singing from deep within.
Check out WelcomeToNightVale.com for more information on this show and our tour happening right now in the Southwest and the West Coast, as well as our upcoming tour in New Zealand and Australia. Today's proverb, for softer bones and a tenuous smile, drink MOC. Got MOC? It's here.
Drink it. Drink this milk. Mmm. MOC.
Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale. Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast. Join me, Meg Bashwinner, and fellow try-hosts Hal Loveland and Symphony Sanders as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Night Vale. Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary, and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories.
Good Morning Night Vale, with new episodes every other Thursday. Get it wherever you get your podcasts. Yes, even there.