13: Sex is More Than Intercourse

Summary: Great sex encompasses a wide spectrum of elements or factors that go beyond the physical act of intercourse itself. It is a holistic experience that incorporates emotional intimacy, effective communication, variety, mutual satisfaction, foreplay, and more. And while our modern world has evolved significantly in terms of openness and acceptance, the topic of sex remains elusive, shrouded in cultural, religious, and historical taboos.Connect with Dr. Heather England:WebsiteLinkedInSubstack (A Midlife Reckoning)WorkshopsReady to spice up your sex life? Get my guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life”Show Content:Sex education and societal taboos.The traditional concept of sex, which primarily focuses on intercourse for reproduction, has been deeply rooted in our culture and educational system. The majority of us were introduced to the subject of sex through an educational approach that highlighted its biological purpose, frequently utilizing vivid and explicit imagery that left us feeling uncomfortable.For so long, sexual discussions were not common and somehow, they are still considered taboo by many. The omission of discussions about sex as an expression of love between two people or as a source of sexual pleasure was likely driven by fear or concern that teaching pleasurable aspects of sex would lead to increased teenage sexual activity. However, this omission has consequences.By not addressing the positive aspects of sex, like connection and pleasure, we continue to perpetuate the taboo and shame associated with the topic. The consequences of this lack of comprehensive sexual education extend beyond individuals and can impact relationships as well. The absence of open conversations about the emotional and pleasurable aspects of sex can hinder communication and lead to misunderstandings between partners.How people learn about sex through the media.As human beings, it is our innate tendency to seek out knowledge and understanding when faced with something new. This natural inclination usually leads us to turn to various mediums, such as books, articles, or visual media, to gain insights and information. In the case of learning about sex, our observations often come from sources like Hollywood movies and pornography, which have played an influential role in shaping our understanding of human sexuality.However, Hollywood portrays sex in a way that frequently emphasizes women experiencing mind-blowing orgasms from intercourse, as we've all seen how they’re portrayed in movies and TV shows that rarely reflect reality. On the other hand, there's pornography, which has its place as entertainment but should not be considered a source of education. This is because porn often features exaggerated and sometimes painful-looking sexual encounters, with women seemingly enjoying every moment, even when it appears far from pleasurable.It's concerning that the average age for first exposure to pornography in the US is just 12 years old, and many kids even younger than that are exposed to it. In fact, a study on adolescent pornography use found that nearly 69% of teens had viewed pornography, and this exposure can lead to the development of what experts call "pornography-influenced sexual scripts." These scripts can misguide people about how sex should be, as pornography does not represent the average person's sexual experiences. Thus, the way we learn about sex, whether from Hollywood or pornography, often falls short of providing an accurate and healthy perspective on the subject.Female orgasm and sexual pleasure.I used to throw around the statistic that around 30% of women can orgasm from penetrative intercourse, but my perspective has shifted, as a closer examination of research indicates that this number is likely closer to 15% or even 18%. Moreover, only about 8% of women can consistently achieve orgasm from thrusting alone.The portrayal of intercourse as the primary source of intense orgasms for women in media misrepresents the reality for most women. This misrepresentation sets women up to fake orgasms and can make them feel like something's wrong with them if they can't climax from intercourse.It's really a shame that we're not taught that the key to female orgasm lies in the clitoris which is unique in that its sole purpose is pleasure, and it's a powerful reminder that sexual pleasure is a natural and essential aspect of human experience. If your partner is a woman, it's crucial to understand that her path to pleasure primarily involves the clitoris, not just intercourse. This doesn't diminish the value of intercourse; it's about striving for equality and mutual pleasure in a relationship.Redefining sex opens up exciting possibilities and can lead to increased sexual frequency and improved intimacy.Sex isn't confined to intercourse; there are many other ways to explore and enjoy intimacy, such as oral sex, touching, or using sex toys. Our society often frames these activities as mere "foreplay" leading to intercourse, which can be limiting and potentially lead to problems if intercourse becomes the sole focus. Reframing these activities as "outer course," encompassing any sexual activity not involving penetration, can be liberating.Redefining sex to encompass any activity that brings sexual pleasure, whether it's outer course or intercourse, opens up exciting possibilities and can lead to increased sexual frequency. The key is embracing the diverse ways in which we can experience and enjoy sexual pleasure.This transforms sexual relationships, bringing about significant changes insofar as the female partner experiences increased pleasure and satisfaction, with higher odds of achieving orgasm. For the male partner, this change can make them feel more desired when their partner shows increased interest in sex. It also eliminates the sense of rejection if their partner isn't in the mood for intercourse.Couples who redefine sex tend to engage in sexual activities more frequently, addressing one of the common issues couples face known as "desire discrepancy," where one person desires more frequent or different types of sexual activity. Furthermore, broadening the definition of sex encourages couples to explore a wider range of sexual activities, adding variety and excitement to their intimate life. Redefining sex doesn't exclude intercourse; it simply emphasizes that many other delightful and fulfilling activities can take center stage in their sexual experiences.