261: Why Your Kids Fight (It’s Not What You Think)

If your kids are fighting constantly, you're probably exhausted from playing referee. Maybe they're arguing over whose toy is whose, poking and teasing each other until someone cries, or telling you two completely different stories about what happened. And when you step in to help, nothing seems to work.   In this free Beyond the Behavior group coaching call, parent Stacey’s 12-year-old and 7-year-old are caught in a cycle of constant sibling conflict - poking, teasing, hitting, and yes, even lying to get each other in trouble.    We might think that sibling fighting is about mean-ness, but actually it’s a signal of underlying needs.  Once you understand what's driving the behavior, you'll have real tools to help your kids work through conflict - and a process for helping them find solutions that work for both of them. Click here to download the Steps on How to Stop Sibling Conflict Infographic   Questions This Episode Will Answer Is sibling fighting normal?  Some conflict between siblings is common, but constant fighting - where nothing you try seems to work - is usually a signal that your child is trying to meet a specific need. Once you know what it is, it will be much easier to find a strategy that works for both of you.   What causes siblings to fight so much?  The reason kids fight is often not what it looks like on the surface. Common needs children are trying to meet through fighting include: Connection with a parent (when they hit a sibling, they know they have your attention!)To be seen/known/understood by you, and they don’t know how to express that, and they take out their frustration on their siblingTo play!  A surprising number of kids will hit another kid to say: “Will you play with me?”   What are the most common triggers for sibling fights?  Most sibling fights start with an immediate need to play, a need for connection with you (and fighting with their sibling gets your attention) or a broader lack of wellbeing in the family that they express through hitting and fighting.   Is it okay to let siblings work it out themselves?  Stepping back feels logical when nothing you do helps. But kids may think that you don’t care whether or how they fight, which doesn’t lead them to fight less.   Instead, spending some time teaching them some new conflict resolution skills now will save you from years of refereeing their fighting down the road.   How do you get siblings to stop hitting each other?  Sibling hitting is almost never just about aggression. There's usually something else going on underneath it - very often needs for things like connection, to be seen, known, and understood by you, and maybe even play with their sibling. Addressing those needs changes the behavior far more effectively than consequences do.  You can do this by: Connecting 1:1 for 10 minutes a day, doing something your child enjoysUnderstanding the major challenges they’re facing (e.g. school, new sibling, other major life changes) and supporting them through those challengesTeaching kids how to say: “Do you want to play?” and “Yes!”, “Not right now, but maybe later” and “No thanks!”.   How do you handle it when siblings lie about who started the fight?  When both kids are telling different stories, trying to figure out who's right pulls you into a dead end. Instead of investigating the past, shift your focus to what each child needed in that moment - and how to help them get it in a way that works for both of them.   How do you resolve sibling conflict without refereeing every fight?  You can teach kids a specific process to stop their fights: name their feelings, identify what they need in that moment, and then brainstorm strategies that could meet both people's needs. Parents can teach this by practicing it in low-stakes moments first - not in the middle of a fight.   How do you get siblings to stop tattling?  Tattling usually happens when a child wants a parent to take their side. When kids learn to identify what they need in a conflict and how to ask for it directly, the motivation to tattle drops - because they have a more effective way to get their needs met.   What You'll Learn in This Episode Why sibling fighting is often a bid for connection - and why that reframe matters for how you respondWhy one child hitting another can actually be an attempt to play, not a sign of aggressionWhat it means to make a "bid for connection", and how to help both the child making the bid and the one receiving itWhy stepping back and letting kids handle conflict themselves can backfire - and what needs to be in place before that becomes a realistic optionHow to use feelings and needs language as a conflict resolution tool - and why starting with low-stakes moments between you and your child (not between the kids) is the most effective first stepWhy special one-on-one time with each child plays a bigger role in sibling conflict than most parents realizeHow to work with kids who shut down and won't talk - including non-verbal ways to stay connected in a hard momentA practical way to help even young children start solving conflicts together - including a real example of a 3-year-old and 5-year-old doing exactly that within weeks of their parents starting this approach Beyond The Behavior Coaching Calls Want coaching like this for yourself? These Beyond The Behavior calls happen on the second Wednesday of each month from 11 AM Pacific, and they’re completely free. You can get coached on whatever challenge you’re facing right now, or just listen in while I coach other parents.   We usually work with two or three parents on each call. And if you can’t make it live, don’t worry – recordings are available inside the Parenting Membership where they’re searchable by topic.   There’s no commitment. We’ll send you a reminder before each call, and you can join if it works for you or skip it if you’re busy with other things.   Whether you’re dealing with challenging behaviors or trying to figure out how to stop yelling at your kids, these calls give you a chance to work through your specific situation with support.   Click the banner to learn more and sign up Jump to highlights: 01:48 Introduction to today’s episode 03:42 Parent Stacey shares the situation wherein her 12-year-old and 7-year-old are constantly fighting, poking, and teasing. Both kids have admitted to lying about what happened because they want to get each other in trouble. 06:03 Conflicts often start over objects, but attention, specifically connection, is the real driver behind much of the fighting. 06:39 Jen explains how we can shift from the negative connotation of "attention-seeking" to understanding it as kids looking for connection with each other and with parents. 10:58 Jen helps Stacey think about when one-on-one time could happen, like during drives to sports practice, and how to balance everyone's needs, including the parents' needs for rest and couple time. 12:45 What's missing is a real understanding of what needs are coming up for each person in their interactions. 17:43 Kids try to meet the same needs over and over. Connection and autonomy are almost always in the top three. 20:13 Wrapping up. 20:33 An open invitation to join the next Beyond the Behavior call. 20:40 An open invitation to the flash sale on one-on-one coaching until April 5.