28| Insecure: Avoid, Please, Vacillate, Control, Victimize | Attachment IV

Don't forget to subscribe, rate & review us on iTunes!  

It REALLY helps us to grow. 

Facebook:  www.facebook.com/groups/desirelinepodcast

Instagram: @susette.magana.therapy and @brandonalancook

Twitter: @mydesireline, @susettemtherapy and @brandonalancook

Today's episode will focus on the insecure attachment styles that are part of our relationships in adulthood.  Basically--how do we deal with feelings of rejection, vulnerability and deep needs? 

Our material comes from the book "How We Love," by Milan & Kay Yerkovich.  

"Internal Working Model"
"A cognitive framework comprising mental representations for understanding the world, self, and others. A person's interaction with others is guided by memories and expectations from their internal model which influence and help evaluate their contact with others."

Secure Attachment Definition:
From "How We Love" by Milan & Kay Yerkovich
"Secure Connectors..., are comfortable with reciprocity; balanced giving and receiving in relationships.They can describe strengths and weakness in themselves and others without idealizing or devaluing. Skilled at self-reflection, Secure Connectors are able to clearly and easily communicate their feelings and needs."
(www.howwelove.com)

Check out Ephesians 4 NLT... do you see the attachment theory language in this passage?
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+4&version=NLT

Insecure Attachment Types from "How We Love" by Milan & Kay Yerkovich
www.howwelove.com

Avoider:
Coming from often affection-less homes that value independence and self-reliance, the Avoider grows up learning to just take care of themselves. The catch? They restrict their feelings and needs so they can deal with the anxiety of having little to no comfort and nurturing from their parents.
-I am usually "fine," and when something bad happens I try to get over it quickly.
-In my family growing up, we rarely discussed personal concerns.
-I'm usually happiest when others are happy and don't want a lot from me.
-I don't really think about my own feelings and needs very often.
-I don't really miss my spouse or family if I'm away from them.
-I need my space.

Pleaser
Pleasers usually grow up in a home with an overly protective or angry critical parent. Pleaser children do everything they can to "be good" and avoid troubling their reactive parent. These kids don't get comfort: rather, they spend their energy comforting or appeasing their troublesome parent. As adults, Pleasers tend to continually monitor the moods of others around them to keep everyone happy. Eventually, they can become resentful and break down or leave the relationship.
For most (or all) of my childhood I could have been described as "the good kid."
I feel very upset if someone is upset or annoyed with me so I am good at "keeping peace."
I seek connection and avoid rejection by anticipating and meeting others' needs.
Conflict makes me uneasy and I prefer to deal with disagreement by giving in or making up for it and quickly and moving on.
I have difficulty confronting or saying no and sometimes it makes me less than truthful.

VACILLATORS
Growing up with an unpredictable parent, Vacillators' needs aren't top priority. Without consistent parental affection, they develop feelings of abandonment. By the time the parent feels like giving again, their child is tired of waiting and too angry to receive. As adults, Vacillators are on a quest to find the consistent love they never received as children. They idealize new relationships, but then get tired of it once life (and the relationship) gets less than perfect.

-I feel like no one has really understood what I need.
-I experience internal conflict and a high level of emotional stress in relationships.
-At times, I find myself picking a fight and I'm not sure why.
-I've always been especially sensitive and perceptive and can tell when others are pulling away from me.
-Others have said they feel like they're walking on eggshells around me.

CONTROLLERS
Controllers need control to keep the vulnerable, negative feelings that they experienced in childhood from surfacing in their adult lives. Having control means having protection from the feelings of fear, humiliation and helplessness. Anger is the one emotion that is not vulnerable, so intimidation and anger are often used to keep control. Control may be highly rigid or more sporadic and unpredictable, but Controllers rarely realize the real reason they need to be in charge.

-No one protected me from harm when I was growing up, so I had to get tough and take care of myself.
-Life has taught me to either "be in control" or "be controlled."
-People would probably describe me as intimidating.
-I prefer to solve problems on my own.
-I need things to be done a certain way or I get angry.
-I have few feelings about my childhood except I'm glad it's over because I wouldn't go back.

VICTIM

Kids survive a chaotic home environment by trying to "stay under the radar", making themselves as invisible as possible. They'll hide and appease, learning how to escape into their own heads to lessen the pain from their angry, violent, chaotic parents. Victims lack a sense of self-worth or personhood and are often anxious and depressed. Rather than engage, they'll resort to just "going through the motions" in order to get by. Victims may emulate their childhood home environment by pursuing a relationship with a Controller. When children are involved in such a relationship, the Victim may even inflict their suppressed anger on their children whenever the Controller is not present.

-Growing up, I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from a parent or parents.
-I'm used to chaos and calm makes me anxious because something bad is always just around the corner.
-If I spoke up more and had stronger opinions, my spouse (or other significant relationships) would be even angrier.
-I feel like I'm just "going through the motions" and I'm tired and out of energy.