Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Well, today I want to talk about something that we all want for our kids. We want them to feel it.
We want them to express gratitude. So we model this for them, right? We are generous with them, we're doing all the right things. But sometimes we find that this doesn't seem to be working, that our child doesn't seem grateful for the special things we do for them or what we give to them.
And that's concerning, right? What I would like to do today I have a note here from a parent, a question about this topic I want to explore through her question why kids don't seem as grateful as we believe they should be and what we can do about it. The subject line of her email is handling perceived ungratefulness. So here's what she said.
Hi Janet, I have a hard time with this year round, but I'm coming to dread the holiday season and would love your advice. I have two boys aged 6 and 4 and despite every effort to model and instill appreciation, I often find myself triggered by what I perceive as their ungratefulness. This certainly comes up with their expectations of more and more and more presents at birthdays and holidays. But I'll give another example from today.
Right after breakfast I took them to a movie at the movie theater, something we don't do very often and I thought it would be a treat. They enjoyed it, but complained that I didn't get them candy and we didn't play an arcade game at the theater. Later I took them pottery painting as they love to do crafts at home. They finish their creations in about 20 minutes, then whined that I wouldn't purchase another for them to paint.
It feels like non stop unhappiness when I'm trying so hard to make them happy. Things that are supposed to be fun end up not feeling fun and I get that that's a me problem. Maybe I should be planning these activities because it brings me joy to do so with no expectations, but that doesn't feel especially realistic either when I'm trying to teach them good values. What do I say in these moments when I do understand they're vocalizing legitimate disappointment and are still learning, but I'm a managing my own frustration and b hoping to help them focus on the positive.
Thanks for all you do. Okay, so gosh, some of the things she says here really sound like kids to me and also sounds like this mismatch that can happen between us and our kids where they're not doing this thing that Seems so obvious that they should be doing. I'm going to offer three suggestions. Three, I guess, secrets to raising grateful kids and also how she can maybe turn the tide on what seems to be going on right now.
Number one is understanding their differences. So children are very different from us. Young children especially. They don't have these filters that we have.
They don't have this ability to kind of tune out. They're not as desensitized as us. They're much more sensitive to stimulation and to activities and to the stress that comes from that. I have one of these rings that monitors your vital signs and your sleep and also your stress during the day.
And I've discovered I have a lot of stress during the day. I'm very sensitive to stress. But what they always say when they're letting you know that you have a lot of stress is it doesn't mean that you're dealing with something negative. It comes from when you're having a really good time.
Sometimes it comes from jogging or doing exercise. It comes from eating sugar or drinking something. It's not just this negative thing. While children, because they're so sensitive, they find exciting things stressful, they find going to watch a movie on a big screen and all the stimulation of that stressful.
That doesn't mean they're not having a good time, but it adds up. And they don't process things like that the same way that we do. They soak it all in, and it can easily overwhelm them. So does that mean we don't take them to these things?
Of course not. But understanding that what to us maybe just seems like, oh, this fun little treat is a lot for them. What will help us as parents is reminding ourselves to kind of step into their shoes, to see from this much more sensitive person's point of view who can't just compartmentalize. Well, no, I'm going to do this, and I'm going to go home.
You know, they're in it. They soak it all in. Even fun stuff is stressful for them. And the excitement of the holidays, I mean, forget about that.
That's extremely stimulating for many children. It's very stressful, which doesn't mean to celebrate holidays, but it's just helpful for us to know so that we can have our expectations in order and so that we can plan our days around that and recognize that when children do have these behaviors that it may very well be due to stress. Again, this is a really good thing about children that they're sensitive. That's why they learn so much in these early years because they're able to soak everything up.
But I think sometimes we can feel a single parent, but just generally, oh, well, they've soaking everything up, so let's give them more. And that actually doesn't work because they get overloaded and overstimulated really easily. And we don't have to guess about this with our child. I mean, all children are a little different, obviously, but we don't have to guess because children do this wonderful thing they show us, right?
They show us the signs. And what these children are doing, I believe, is the signal they're indicating. They don't seem settled into enjoying these experiences, at least not that day they didn't. And so that's a sign right there.
It's not a sign. Oh, I just have these really ungrateful, unappreciative kids. And that's frustrating. No, it's actually a sign that there's something going on here.
They're getting overloaded. And the thing about the brothers, siblings especially, but even just children that are friends that are together, they catch each other's stress levels. So if maybe the younger one is a little overstimulated by something that maybe the older one could handle, or vice versa, the stress that they're putting out there, the other child is catching it, like an illness or something, you know, it's contagious that way. So it makes sense that both these boys are doing it.
It may just be one that's a little too hyped up, but they're giving it to the other one. And then the other thing that's going on there is the parent is taking it really hard. She's getting so disappointed in them and in herself. She's blaming herself that I should just do this for fun and not care.
Of course, she's right to care about her children's appreciation and gratitude. So I wanted her to try not to beat herself up about that at all or judge herself for that in any way. It's just about being aware of the signs that our children are giving us. And it's just like other behavior when children are not behaving well, there's a reason, right?
Well, when children are acting so ungrateful and ridiculously unappreciative, there's a reason, and I believe in this case it's overstimulation because it can happen so easily. So it's a stimulation of the activity itself, of the shared experience with the sibling and then also the parent that they're kind of almost anticipating this disappointment. So there's that feeling of dysregulation around that. Again, there's always a reason.
It's not that our child is a bad child. We need to worry that we've done a bad job. So that's, number one, understanding their different sensitivities. Number two, slow it all down.
Because we know children, our children are so different, we can help them to get more out of experiences and appreciate them more, certainly by downshifting to a much slower speed. And this parent may be doing this somewhat. The thing is that we want to help them find balance. So if they're going to a movie that day, then not try to do something else that's stimulating in the same day.
Because it's one thing to do crafts at home, and it's quite another to be in a place where there's all these possibilities in front of us and so many choices you could make and so many things that you want. It's like a recipe for wanting more. It's more stimulating than just being at home doing it. And I would say at home, when she's finding balance for the activities, the special activities that she wants to do with them, that she even consider.
I don't know if she's putting crafts out for them to do and doing these, like, play setups, like, here's something you can do, guys. Even more balancing would be really allowing them to settle into their own nature, doing even less, maybe doing a craft project, if that comes from them. And it's something that they can put together without us doing this whole invitation to it, but something that helps them really drop into themselves. One way also to do this is to have them be in nature, because that pace is a child's pace.
Being outside without an agenda or with an agenda that we're just going to walk down here, down the street, or if you have a nature space around you to go to. Not everybody has that, but that kind of, oh, I think I'm going to pick up this stick or create a game from this. That is the very healing balance that will help children to process those exciting experiences. And being in their nature and being even with nature doesn't mean they have to be even outside.
They can be in natural light at home, looking out a window or just petting their dog. Just being in themselves on their own tempo, because that's the tempo that is the least stressful for children. In fact, it does the opposite. It gives them that healing balance that they need the pace of nature doing less.
And I just want to say I know a lot of parents are rolling their eyes like, oh great, you know, I want to get out and do stuff. I'm bored out of my mind and hunt with my kids. And I totally understand that. But right there is understanding the differences between us and how challenging this is.
Because oftentimes we find that we're the ones with the mentality, what's next? Let's do something else, let's get more. Okay, we did that activity, let's do this. Oftentimes that comes from us, it's not our fault because it's also in our society and in our tech devices that feed into that literally where there's always something new, always the next thing.
It's the way people talk to each other. Oh, hey, what are you doing? Oh, you'll have another child. Or if you don't have a child, you getting married?
Are you with that person? What about your job? What are you going to do next? It's a mentality, so we can't blame ourselves for being in that.
But what happens is children pick up on that very, very young. And the easiest way to start on a different track is to start with our babies. I'm going to be talking about that in my book that I'm finishing up. But the gist of it is that we allow babies to gauge their stimulation by being there as responsive observers and responders to their play, rather than always being the one to show them the toys or show them the next thing.
So think about how when we give children a gift or children are opening their gifts at their birthday, let's say, or Christmas, because we're in this quicker speed of. And this what's next type of mentality. Say our one year old or a two year old has received a gift and they're starting to try to open it up. They're interested in the box, they're interested in the ribbon, and we're like, I wonder what's in there.
Even just that we're already trying to get them to the next step. Let me help you open this. Maybe, or maybe they get something and then like, oh, I don't wonder what this one is over here. So often it's us that brings that in, even in their play.
So this friend came over with their baby the other day and it had been a while since I'd had a baby over play at my house and my house isn't exactly totally childproof right now. But this boy was in my living room and he crawled over to the brick fireplace and there's a big screen over the fireplace. And he doesn't stand yet on his own. So he's pulling up kind of to stand and tap, tap, tap on the screen, tap, tap, tap on the brick.
Tap, tap, tap on the screen. Tap, tap, tap on the brick. You could see that he was hearing the different sound that those two surfaces made. I was holding the screen so it wouldn't follow him, by the way.
And I told him that too, because he looked at my hand once that was holding onto the screen and I told him, I'm holding this to keep it safe for you. Because kids are interested in all of these little details that are going on, these little boring things, right to us. They're fascinated and this is how they're learning the difference between these properties of these areas and the sounds that they make, what they feel like. And he wanted to do that again and again and again.
And I was able to help his parrot to see what he was doing there by saying, wow, that makes a different sound, right? Oh, and now that makes a different sound. Yeah, noticing that. And I was saying it for him, but I was also saying that for the parent to see how much goes on when it looks like nothing.
I mean, that would look like nothing to me before I understood this approach to caring for children. And we want to say, oh, look over here, is this cool toy, right? Kind of negating that whole experience. And that's how it can start where we're already teaching our children that there's more that we want to show them, that we want to get to the next thing, that there's something better than that for them to do.
And anyway, it's this very normal thing to do. But it can give kids a message early on that we really don't want to give them, we don't mean to give them. So all we need is an awareness. We still get to do whatever we want, whatever we think is a good idea in that moment.
Not judging ourselves, just knowing the effects of things. And I'm gonna explain why in the third secret to raising Grateful kids, I'm gonna explain why the effect matters and how that can help us to help our kids be more grateful just by us understanding the effect. But before I do that, I just wanna respond to the specific things this parent brought up. She says, it feels like non stop unhappiness when I'm trying so hard to make them happy.
Boy, do I feel that. The thing is, children feel when we're trying so hard to make them happy. And that is obviously the most loving thing in us that we wanna do that, but that is also where we can get caught up doing instead of allowing them to be. Allowing them to be in their nature and trusting the idea of less.
I don't know if any of you heard when I had Kim Jong Payne on my podcast, he wrote Simplicity Parenting and it's all about the power of less. And I highly recommend that podcast and his book, Simplicity Parenting because he gives a lot of practical advice for how to pare our lives down to a little bit less. But again, what I'm saying is that you don't even have to do that. All you have to do is understand the effects.
And it's not our job to try to make our kids happy. The more we're trying, the more frustrating it's probably going to be and the less we're going to be able to make them happy. So, yeah, nonstop unhappiness when she's trying so hard to make them happy. That's one of the ironies of parenting.
Things that are supposed to be fun end up not feeling fun. Right. Because we're deciding what's fun and it's maybe more coming from adult stimulation level, what we would think is fun. I remember as a kid we used to go to the movies sometimes and there were double features in those days.
I don't know if there are anymore. Movies weren't as long then, but that was like three hours worth of movies and all this candy. And it was just like, you know, you didn't feel that good after that. You still wanted to do it again, but you also wanted a lot of days in between where you could have air around you and just relax and find your own activities, make up, play together and just, you know, balance out that experience.
So, yeah, it doesn't feel fun when there's too much of it. We don't have enough balance. She says maybe I should be planning these activities because it brings me joy to do so with no expectations. Well, no, I mean, there.
I believe she is right to feel like if she's planning these wonderful things for her children. Yeah. That they should enjoy them. But this is where I would look at what she's planning, if she's spreading it out.
And sometimes it comes down to. I mean, this is something I learned as a parent. I feel like I learned this so many times, especially with my first. The things she said about things that are supposed to be fun end up not feeling fun.
These conceptions I had of things I remember loving as a child. One of them was this marionette show that was famous in near where I live. It had been around forever and ever, and I loved it. They had a holiday show.
And I remember I took my daughter, I think she was only three and she liked it. But I couldn't help but think when I got home that she just would have had more fun at home in the backyard messing around. I realized, okay, my memory of it didn't match her enjoyment of it. And I learned something that day, and it just made me kind of think twice about certain things and thought, oh, wait a little later for that, when she can really enjoy it, or if it's something she really seems to want to do.
Okay. And then she says, what do I say in these moments when I do understand? They're vocalizing legitimate disappointment and are still learning, but I am managing my own frustration and hoping to help them focus on the positive. So here's where I want to give you the third secret.
The third secret to raising children who are more grateful and appreciative. It is allowing kids to come down from these experiences. Kids go up and they go down similar to people like me that are just sensitive. Everything's exciting, and then there's a come down from that.
So even things like going to go paint pottery is really exciting for little kids. That's something to come down from. And what her children are doing, it sounds like, is they're not wanting to come down, they're not wanting to let go. And that's a common reaction that, you know, immature people have.
So because we will misjudge or overestimate our child's ability to enjoy an experience, or we forgot that they had all this other stimulation going on and that it's the holidays and we took them to the thing and then they're just like, more, more, more. They're doing that or they're having a meltdown, whatever it is, allowing kids to have that while we're having boundaries, we're not going to go do the arcade game or get them more candy or anything else. But we know that this goes with the territory. Especially if maybe we misjudged it a bit or underestimated the effects of the stimulation on our child, we're going to do all of those things.
And if we can forgive them for having their comedown and just help them pass through that by not getting in the way of it, really, and just almost welcoming it, that's how we clear the way for kids to feel genuinely appreciative and grateful because they're allowed to express how ungrateful they feel in that moment. When they're overdone. A lot of times we can misunderstand the advice to acknowledge feelings, as you want to keep doing that, but we're going to go, you're upset, you're mad that I won't give you more. But really, what are we saying there when we're saying it like that?
We're saying, I'm really annoyed, and I feel like I have to acknowledge your feelings, but I am disappointed and I'm just going through the motions instead of really connecting with them in a way that understands their point of view. Oh, gosh, you want more. You want candy? Of course you do.
You want to go play the arcade game. It's so hard to just let go and get in the car. Meanwhile, you're ushering them to the car, but you're really able to connect with them there. Not from a position, you know, where we're actually really annoyed and we're saying the words.
I mean, this is why you always hear me say that I see scripts is not that helpful sometimes, because it's natural to just want to imagine that if I say these words, my child's going to feel better. But children aren't even hearing our words. They're feeling our vibe. They're feeling how we feel.
And if how we feel could be, oh, oops, they're getting all obsessive in that weird space where they're more, more, more, more. Instead of blaming them for that and blaming ourselves and being so disappointed, being like, okay, oops, well, all right, this didn't go the way I planned, but yeah, ah, you got stuck in wanting this, and now you just want this and that and never feels like enough, right? Agreeing with their right to feel like that, saying it as we're helping them get out of there. And that is the way to help them get out there.
It's a way to help us get out of there as we have our arms around them on each side and we're getting them out to be accepting how they feel fully and agreeing with their right to feel that way. I mean, you can move a mountain if you do that. It's amazing. And that's when you hear me talk about confident momentum.
That's what it is. It's helping children move to the next thing while totally letting go of pushing back on their feelings. So we're kind of letting it all flow as we move them through the flow. We're telling them, you can flow these.
I'm not gonna push back on it. I'm just gonna do my job. Which Is to get you in the car so you can go back home and come down from this or come down from in the car or whatever. It's hard for kids to come down.
I mean, I can relate to this tool. The after Christmas come down and, you know, there will be singing of Christmas or birthdays. There will be times when we do overdo it with them. Too many gifts, maybe where we do too much.
And, you know, we can do that once in a while and we may even get away with it. They get a little greedy in that moment. But it's finding that balance, knowing that, okay, we've done that. Now we're gonna give them some time to chill out.
And this is especially true if they're going to school and all this stuff. Like, that's already a lot. And that's why I try to encourage myself. Don't plan after school structured activities.
Kids need that balance of just free flow time. Even if the free flow time is like, they're dull, they're bored, they don't know what to do. We can acknowledge that too. We can relate to it.
We don't have to try to pull them out of that. We definitely don't have to try to keep them happy or work hard to make them happy. They're happy when they get to be in themselves. That's when they're happiest.
So I really hope some of this helps and thank you so much to this parent. I hope this helps her. She can turn this around. It's just those three things.
Understanding our children's differences, slowing it all down to find balance, and then giving them room to come down, Rolling out the red carpet for them to come down, letting those feelings be. And here's the thing. Yes, this is gonna be hard for us with our different pace, but this is a gift that kids can give us that maybe sometimes once in a while, no pressure, maybe once in a while we can let ourselves downshift to just be with them or be in the next room, sort of looking through the doorway at what they're doing, or hearing them living life a little on their speed, where it's enough, we're enough. Anyway, thank you so much again.
Thanks everyone for listening. We can do this.