Episode Description
<h1 style="text-align: center;"><strong>You're Right!<br /> A Deep Dive on the Disarming Technique</strong></h1> <h2 style="text-align: center;"><strong>Featuring Dr. Brandon Vance</strong></h2> <p><span style="color: #000000;">On today's podcast, we will be practicing the Disarming Technique and illustrate the Law of Opposites, using real examples with lots of potential for learning. We feature our good friend and esteemed colleague, Brandon Vance, MD, who is an advanced TEAM therapist.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Starting on November 5, Brandon will be offering a 6-week course on a Deep Dive Five Secrets Practice Group, meeting weekly from 12 to1:30, until December 10<sup>th</sup>. This course is <em><strong>strongly</strong></em> recommended for anyone who wants to learn and master the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. </span><span style= "color: #000000;">To learn more, you can </span></p> <h3 style="text-align: center;"><span style= "color: #000000;"><strong><a style="color: #000000;" href= "https://www.feelinggreattherapycenter.com/5-secrets"><span style= "color: #ff0000;">click here</span></a></strong></span></h3> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Our goals for today's podcast will be to illustrate how to disarm, with role play examples, of any number of very challenging examples. Once we have done role reversals and developed a good or excellent response to the criticism, we will try to point out two things important for teaching the Disarming Technique.</span></p> <ol> <li><span style="color: #000000;">The Law of Opposite: Here it is: When you humbly find the real truth in the criticism, even if it sounds exaggerated, distorted, unfair, or just plan wrong, it suddenly won't be true anymore. This is a paradox!</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">In contrast, if you defend yourself from the criticism, which you WILL do, you will simply prove that the criticism is correct. This is also a paradox!</span></li> </ol> <p><span style="color: #000000;">We will illustrate some strategies for how to disarm seemingly "impossibly wrong and unfair" criticisms.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">We started with a classic example. Let's say a loved one angrily insists, "You never listen."</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Then we focused on a challenging clinical example, a patient who insists that "You're to worst shrink I've EVER had! Where did you do your psychiatric training? At a veterinarian school?"</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">The exercise is fairly simple in structure, but quite challenging when you try it out in an actual role play exercise with a friend or colleague.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Step 1: Your colleague or friends hits you with one of the following criticisms listed below.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Step 2: You respond as effectively as you can, using the Disarming Technique and the rest of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication as needed.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Step 3. Your colleague gives you a letter grade along with what you did that was effective, and where you missed the boat.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Step 4. Do a role reversal and repeat the above steps. Continue with this process until you get an A in your response to the criticism.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">I don't have a full list of strategies for agreeing with impossible criticisms, but here are two:</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">continue editing here</span></p> <ol> <li><span style="color: #000000;">Don't respond to the criticism literally. Instead, try to "hear" what the other person is trying to say to you.</span></li> </ol> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style= "color: #000000;">Example: Your patient says, "This is the second week in a row that you've been late to our sessions."</span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style= "color: #000000;">Ineffective, literal response: "Yes, that's true. I've been delayed by emergency situations both today and last week." Explanation: This is harsh and literal, and misses the point entirely. This patient is trying to tell you that they feel ignored and uncared about, and this may in fact be a central dynamic in their life.</span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style= "color: #000000;">Somewhat more effective response: "Yes, I share your concern, especially since I have high regard for you and hate having to be late. I'm really worried it will come across as uncaring and irresponsible. In fact, I had unexpected emergencies with suicidal patients both days, and will certainly make up the missed time for you, and not even charge you for today's session. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if you feel hurt and even a bit angry with me, and for good reason. Can you tell me how you are feeing?"</span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style="color: #000000;">This type of response gives you the chance to turn your lemons into lemonade!</span></p> <ol start="2"> <li><span style="color: #000000;">When you disarm, never say, "I can see how you might feel that way!" This is just a subtle way of sending this insulting message" 'You're wrong, and you're making a misinterpretation because you're a disturbed patient!"</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">If a psychotic individuals makes a bizarre-sounding criticism, listen to the music behind the words and respond to that in a disarming way. For example, imagine that your hospitalized inpatient with paranoid schizophrenia says, "I know you're conspiring against me with the FBI."</span></li> </ol> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style="color: #000000;">What is this patient trying to tell you? They are telling you, symbolically, something like this: "During our session yesterday, you were not trustworthy. I was anxious and still am!"</span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style="color: #000000;">So, you might respond like this: "Jim, I am embarrassed to admit that I agree with you completely, and also feel bad about it. During our session yesterday, I did a lousy job of supporting you, and we just didn't connect, which was my bad. I felt like an enemy, and not your ally, so I get what you're saying. This is important because I care a great deal for you. Can you tell me what it was like for you yesterday?"</span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style="color: #000000;">With this type of kindly, disarming, and non-threatening response, most patients will open up right away. </span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">This list of errors is not comprehensive. It's just a started kit to point you, hopefully, in the right direction. You will get many of the fine points by listening to the live podcast.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">You might enjoy reviewing the following list of difficult / impossible criticisms you might hear from patients or friends of family members. It can be really helpful to see if you can find a way to agree with these criticisms that's genuine and effective.</span></p> <ul> <li><span style="color: #000000;">Burns, isn't it true that you're a total fraud and a worthless human being?</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">You're full of shit and you know it!</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">I followed your suggestion on what to say to my relative, even using the 5-Secrets, and now they won't speak to me.</span></li> </ul> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Rhonda says: Just to be clear, the following challenges from unhappy kids were not directed at me!</span></p> <ul> <li><span style="color: #000000;">I wish you had died instead of Mom. (We practiced this one on the live podcast.)</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">Can you give me my inheritance now, so I don't have to see you ever again?</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">You need to butt out of what you don't understand.</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">All I remember from my childhood is how you weren't there for me.</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">You should have protected me when I was a kid, but you didn't.</span></li> </ul> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Here are some more from patients in various setting.</span></p> <ul> <li><span style="color: #000000;">A patient yells out as you pass on the locked inpatient psych ward: "Doctor, you're trying to kill me!"</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">Or as a (non-suicidal) private practice patient said: "You probably wish I was dead!"</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">Or "You like your other patients better than me"</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">An angry patient says: "you've ruined my life!"</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">An unhappy patient says: I bet you faked your diploma!</span></li> </ul> <p><span style="color: #000000;">More personal / family examples</span></p> <ul> <li><span style="color: #000000;">A romantic partner says "you're gaslighting me".</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">A friend says "you're flirting with my girlfriend - you're trying to steal her away from me!"</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">Your wife says "you're having an affair" when you're not.</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">Your teenage son says "I know I was an accident and you wish you never even had me."</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">Your student catches you in the hallway and winks saying, "You like me better than the other students, right?"</span></li> </ul> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Thanks for listening today!</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Brandon, Rhonda, and David</span></p>