Episode Description
<h1 style="text-align: center;"><strong>Ask David</strong></h1> <h1 style="text-align: center;"><strong>Why do I obsess?</strong></h1> <h1 style="text-align: center;"><strong>Why do I have to be perfect?</strong></h1> <h2 style="text-align: center;"><strong>How can I share my feelings<br /> without oversharing?</strong></h2> <p><span style="color: #000000;">The answers to today's questions are brief and were written prior to the show. Listen to the podcast for a more in-depth discussion of each question.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Here are the questions for today's podcast.</span></p> <ol> <li><span style="color: #000000;">Zhang asks: I have intrusive daydreams and obsess about getting things perfect? What's causing this? And what can I do?</span></li> <li><span style="color: #000000;">Yevhen asks: How can I use "I Feel" Statements without oversharing?</span></li> </ol> <p><span style="color: #000000;">But first, we start today's podcast with a comment from Susan, one of our podcast fans. She extends our discussion of whether friendship is more of a human "need" or a human "want." She describes her work with Dr. Daniel Herman, a Level 4 certified TEAM CBT therapist.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Hi Rhonda, Matt, and David,</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">First, I wanted to say I am so glad sweet Rhonda is feeling better. This is wonderful news!</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">I have been a fan of Dr. Burns books for 10+ years and of the podcast for 3 years.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">I just finished listening to podcast #469 on friendship and felt compelled to share my story as it relates to Team CBT. Three years ago, my 23 year-old son entered a 90 day inpatient rehabilitation center for a marijuana addiction followed by 1 1/2 years in a sober living facility. Six months into his recovery, I reached out to Dr. Daniel Hermann, a Team CBT level 4 therapist.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">At that time, my son's progress had been steady yet I was still suffering greatly. One of many thoughts that contributed to my suffering was that my friends couldn't understand what I was going through. Although I have been fortunate to have had many wonderful friendships for 30+ years,</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Although I was open with my friends about my struggles, I generally didn't feel they understood what I was going through and I felt isolated. Fortunately, Dr. Herman did not try to convince me that I "needed" these friendships or to be understood to "get through" this difficult time. Instead, he helped me to look at the situation realistically, without distortions.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">My positive reframe regarding my friends was "I wish I could have felt closer to my friends during this difficult time. However, there are many ways in which I have supported myself and I have found other outside sources of comfort also."</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">I made a very detailed list of the myriad of ways I had supported myself which brought me great comfort and empowerment. I was able to accept that I wasn't feeling as close to my friends as I would have liked, without blaming them or myself. I also let go of my belief that my friends "should" have been able to empathize better with what I was going through. I learned that although I truly value these friendships, if I expect them to mean everything to me in every situation, I will be setting myself up for a lot of suffering.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">I am so happy that sweet Rhonda had those strong friendships to help her during such a dark time. She is very fortunate! Since Rhonda had a change of heart during the podcast, the following comments are based on her beliefs at the beginning of the podcast: that the support of her friends is a need and that she could not have "gotten through" her treatments without it.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Did Rhonda mean that she would have not sought cancer treatment, the treatments would have been ineffective, or that she would have ended her life without the support of her friends? Would she have told a client of hers in a similar situation that she needed to focus all her time and effort on developing meaningful friendships rather than treating her cancer because friendship was the true need?</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Obviously, I don't believe she would have and am glad that she had a change of heart regarding this belief.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Thank you all for your wonderful podcasts!</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Susan</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">The point I was trying to make is that Dr. Hermann himself did not appear to believe in these self-defeating beliefs, contrary to public opinion. This was essential to me coming to the same conclusions. (To be clear, he NEVER told me what to believe lol. I was paying him but I did all the work! Frustrating at times but coming to my own conclusions was the only way to internalize these messages.)</span></p> <ol> <li><span style="color: #000000;"><strong>Zhang asks: I have intrusive daydreams and obsess about getting things perfect? What's causing this? And what can I do?</strong></span></li> </ol> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Dear Dr. Burns,</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Thank you so much for your kind and prompt reply. I truly appreciate you taking the time to direct me to the additional resources on your website—I have found them and am already finding them very helpful.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Please accept my sincere apologies for the delay in responding. The beginning of the new semester has kept me quite occupied, and I have only now found a moment to write to you properly.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">I am writing to you again because I have been struggling with some persistent challenges and was hoping I might ask for your guidance. Lately, I often find myself distracted by vivid, intrusive daydreams—I create elaborate imaginary stories or visualize worst-case scenarios, such as natural disasters. In addition, I have developed what feels like an obsessive need to keep my books in perfect condition. Even minor wear causes me significant anxiety, and I find it difficult to stop thinking about it if I cannot repair the damage.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">These thoughts and behaviors are beginning to affect my daily life, and I was wondering if you might have any advice or suggested resources that could help me better understand and manage them.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Thank you once again for your generosity and support. Your work has already made a profound difference in my life.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Warm regards,</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Zhang</span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style= "color: #000000;"><strong> </strong><strong>David's response</strong></span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style= "color: #000000;">Thanks, Zhang.</span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style="color: #000000;">There are many methods and ideas in <em>When Panic Attacks</em>, my book on anxiety. In particular, the Hidden Emotion Technique might interest you. If you are in the US, there is a class on it in the Feeling Great app, which is free until the end of September, so move fast.</span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style="color: #000000;">Also, I would like to include this as an Ask David, if that's okay. Can use your first name, or a fake name.</span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style="color: #000000;">Best, david</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;"><strong> </strong></span></p> <ol start="2"> <li><span style="color: #000000;"><strong>Yevhen asks: How can I use "I Feel" Statements without oversharing?</strong></span></li> </ol> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Hello Dr. Burns, Rhonda, and Matt,</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">I would like to express my heartfelt gratitude for the remarkable work you're doing in the field of TEAM-CBT. Your books and your voice of reason have been an immense help to me in some of the most difficult times. Dr Burns, I always feel amazed hearing your wisdom and patience each time you explain the concepts. Even those concepts that were explained before.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Additionally, thank you Dr Burns, Rhonda and Matt, for the exceptional Feeling Good podcast you host. Each new episode is a highlight of my week and nearly always offers profound insight and encouragement. On a lighter note, I sometimes play your podcast at night when I have trouble sleeping. It really helps me drift off within 20-30 minutes 😀</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Rhonda, I admire your perseverance in the face of your illness. I wish you a smooth and speedy recovery.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Matt, I really appreciate all the cool insights you're sharing and contributing to this podcast.</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">I'd love to ask you a couple of questions:</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">1) When I meet new people, I tend to guide the conversation by asking relevant, open-ended questions. Something similar to the "TV host persona" you described in Feeling Great. The challenge is that I rarely share much about myself. This often leads my friends or partners to say that they hardly know me or that I keep personal matters private/do not share anything with them. How can I work on sharing more about myself without oversharing?</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">2) I usually appear calm and some people even describe me as having a "poker face." This sometimes leaves my partner/friends unsure how to read my reactions or feelings. Is there a way to become more comfortable showing emotions without forcing it?</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">3) I'm not naturally confrontational, so in difficult situations or disagreements I usually choose flight over fight. This sometimes leaves me feeling like I missed something or haven't explained my position/point of view. Is there anything I can do to develop a healthier balance in these moments?</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">I would be really grateful if you could answer any of these questions. Thank you again for your inspiring work!</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Best regards</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Yevhen M.</span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style= "color: #000000;"><strong>David's reply</strong></span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style= "color: #000000;">Thanks, will add this to the next Ask David list. In the meantime, we did a podcast on "I Feel" statements that you could find on my website, with many practical ideas.</span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style="color: #000000;">You said you want to practice something new and asked: :"How can I work on sharing more about myself without oversharing?" That sounds like you want to practice pitching, in baseball, and want to make sure you throw all perfect pitches. This is not possible! You WILL over or under share at times, it's a rule of the universe. Are you willing to learn by trial and error? And what are you the most afraid of?</span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style="color: #000000;">On question #3, I never answer abstract, hypothetical questions, as you will know if you have followed my work. If you want help with this, write down one thing the other person said, (or might say), and what, exactly, you said next (or might say next.) This will provide a world of specific information that will contain the answer you're looking for. But on a general level, as the Buddha said so many years ago, "don't waste your time in worthless generalizations. Give me something specific and real, please!"</span></p> <p style="padding-left: 40px;"><span style="color: #000000;">Best, david</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Thanks for listening today!</span></p> <p><span style="color: #000000;">Rhonda, Matt, and David</span></p>