49. Why Your Self-Care Isn't Working (And What Actually Will)

In this episode, we dive into why the self-care routines you've been trying aren't actually making you feel better - and what you need to focus on instead. Walking through a new park (a perfect metaphor for the healing work we're discussing), we explore how our unconscious programming drives 90-95% of our lives and why surface-level self-care solutions are just Band-Aids on deeper wounds that need attention.

Key Points

• Understanding that 90-95% of our lives are driven by unconscious programming from nature and nurture
• Why traditional self-care (manicures, spa days, walks) often leaves us feeling more triggered than rejuvenated
• The difference between "self-care" and "selves-care" - tending to the inner parts that are actually driving our stress
• How focusing only on the "doing" of self-care misses the emotional and nervous system work that's needed
• Why you might scroll your phone during a massage or ruminate during a walk, sabotaging your own self-care
• The reality that parts of us stuck in survival mode will continue operating until they feel safe
• How to identify which inner "selves" are present during your self-care attempts
• Why asking these inner parts what they actually need (usually not a "doing" thing) is transformational work
• The importance of witnessing anxiety, reflecting worth back to shame, and working with specific body experiences
• How some bodies need rest when we're pushing them toward high-intensity movement

Quotes 

• "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate." - Carl Jung
• "You could be on the massage table judging yourself for being on the massage table... and thus, the action that is self-care is not working for you."
• "Self-care isn't working if you're just focusing on the doing and the part of you that is online while you're doing it is rooted in some sort of stress state or survival state in your nervous system."
• "When you turn into your anxiety, like actually maybe what it needs is to be witnessed. When you turn into your shame, maybe what it needs is to have it reflected back to it, how incredible and worthy it is."

Resources Mentioned

• The Radical Mom Pause Toolkit: http://www.theschoolofmom.com/pause 
• The School of Mom community (currently on waitlist enrollment): https://theschoolofmom.com/waitlist 
• In-person retreat opportunities (check bio for summer 2025): https://theschoolofmom.com/nourish 

What's Coming Next 

Continue exploring the deeper transformational work of rewiring our unconscious programming and learning to meet ourselves with radical compassion and acceptance in the pause.

Thank you for tuning in to this episode of "Mothering Ourselves Mindfully." We look forward to sharing more insights and inspiration in the upcoming episodes!

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