#554 - MONTY FRANKLIN

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony check out our website death squad dot TV There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates You can come see us live every Monday. We're at the Vulcan gas company here in Austin, Texas But we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also so go to death squad dot TV and click on tour dates Our website for all the merchandise is shop squad dot TV there. You have the Kill Tony shirt Death squad shirts hats everything at shop squad dot TV Ryan J Bell he is the house artist he draws every episode he sells prints of all the drawings He does and we have the kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff go to Ryan J Bell dot com and last but not least Tony Hinchcliffe dot com for everything golden pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony Wow The two best goddamn strip clubs in the world and they just happen to be here in Austin, Texas. How lucky are we huh?

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We just made a new cool packed with the W Hotel We're now if you say kill Tony you saved 25% off on a Sunday or Monday night say the W Hotel here in Austin, Texas Partnering with us that's really cool. I also brought to you by Red Bull and White Claw if you can believe that everybody That's the show that you're at you guys ready to have some fun tonight Great before we do here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that meet tonight's episode available for you right now Hey, y'all, you know as you could tell by my amazing tour schedule I'm not able to visit my mom my dad my grandparents who are all deceased as much as I like and that's why I love the skylight frame It's a touchscreen photo frame. You can email photos to and they appear in seconds So my mom can see all my favorite moments. I set it up for it's super easy when she received that first photo She was like what?

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This is a paid regular from the comedy store good friend of mine Just did Joe Rogan today make some noise for him. It's Monty Franklin everybody the great Monty Franklin Welcome to Austin, Texas my friend Hell yeah, I have no idea what the fuck's going on as you can tell by the music he's Australian everybody We're gonna have fun tonight. Can I get another beer? Already ordering beers.

I love it red bands already You have some exciting Australian sound effects Are you waiting? I'll play land down under that one try to hit that when you order the beer. I Excellently made a kangrius. That is inappropriate You are the first Australian that we've had as a guest on the show since the Absolutely, I love it So we're gonna have fun So we're gonna watch comedians do stand-up comedy some of them are regulars on the show of area highly regarded position in the stand-up world Really writing for me in every week a lot of these people were just meeting for the first time You know they're minutes up and you hear the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up then a few seconds later comes out The West Hollywood bear which is just a loud sound to make them stop performing and then I interview them And we talk to them find out more about them.

It's a big crazy live experience Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Perfect let's do it with style everybody let's start with a regular this guy made a regular a few months ago He's absolutely taken the world by storm selling out his own headlining shows and and opening for Joe Rogan and myself all around the country Make some noise for the great Hans Kim everyone Hey, glad you guys survived the tornado I'm not surprised there was a tornado in Austin because I know how much you guys love blow God was just trying to snort up some of that round rock cocaine I've I've been seeing a Ukrainian woman recently Every night I drop my spesna as units deep into Kiev I try to come up to the Don Bast region, but she stopped me. I don't ask She wouldn't let me fuck her in the butt Don't ask don't tell you know I love the Ukrainian people. They're very strong.

They're very beautiful and they have very sensitive clitoris I think they're great. Thank you Wow, I mean what can I say? That's exactly how it's done one of the pride and joys of this show is getting to watch your constant Growth, I mean absolutely incredible and it's super topical minute the tornado thing for those of you listening to the podcast is a lot of tornado warnings A lot of a little bit of that weird Texas twang going around in the weather today And he's talking about to be able to make jokes about that the day out and then stick with a new minute on you Bang in a Ukrainian. Yeah, it's incredible.

Look at you. I love it. Hell yeah So this is all true. You've been hooking up with a Ukrainian woman.

Yeah, it's pretty great right And remind us all like what do you guys do like whether you have a new place? Do you have a TV in your room? Yeah, and you guys watch TV? No You guys eating there or something?

No, I mean usually I come over to her house And then she's like we start making out and then she asked me how I'm doing like seven times and then Are you sure she's not saying what are you doing? There's a problem She consents it's a mutual she knows I'm coming And then I finger it clitoris Why do you finger the clitoris? That's not really I mean we're talking real terminology here I'm doing my fingering exactly like a way to the white bird the way you said it makes it seem like a point thing right? Oh like a windshield wiper very good.

I like that. What speed are we talking all the way up on the stick? I think we pull it back towards you Spin on it a little bit like a intermittent yes They were put on the old hazards, you know what I mean? I don't fucking alright.

How are you doing this for you like really irritating it like is it like ours? You're doing yes, I have no idea Yeah, she has to like grab my hand to pull it out oh Shit When from the windshield right This thing you don't do that no right what's the most fingers that you've put inside of a human three notice I left it open to Man three fingers. Yeah, oh the old three finger Hans over here. Look at this guy the old three finger exploding heart technique How did that go for you?

It's like a kind of ruin the penis what was that sound? Why did you madness make that was that you was that oh my god the old three finger? Son of a bitch Great d madness, but let's get back to the three madness of Hans is trickery so what happened when you went with the three fingers What happened it just sort of like made the made the penis not seem that big What's happening anymore? What does that mean explain yourself?

It's like the three fingers she was making a lot of noise and then my penis went in there And she was just sort of like making medium noises Let me see how big her hand is for a second there. Whoa Alright Creepy I love it Hans. What else happened this week in your life? I slept in the same bed with a woman for two nights in a row.

Whoa is that the Ukrainian? No, this is an American chick Whoa look at you just jump in fucking countries over there fuck how much pussy you get? Yeah, I didn't get any pussy. I just let next door.

Ah Did she know you were there because that could be this could be another problem Wow Sleeping with an American and fucking a Ukrainian look at you just on top of the world. Yeah, some of that sweet sweet Ukrainian music there So this sleeping with the American girl. How did this happen? She let me stay in her house in December and January and then she was like I'm in town.

Can I sleep in your bed and I was like yeah? I was all like yeah, what's up baby? And then I came back at like 3 a.m. And she was asleep and I was like I don't want to like you know do you know like I don't know You were like that or she was like that You came back at 3 a.m.

You didn't fight her out to see any of your shows or anything? No, I Don't know. Yeah, it was just it happened. She invited out but she was tired So those of you that don't know Han sometimes brings heroin addicted girls inside of a green rooms and whatnot and introduces them to Joe Rogan Like it's like it's just normal every day like like you need murders He's responsible for more security breaches here in Austin, Texas than anybody and that girl murdered somebody Talking about a different girl Those not the heroin the murder is different than the heroin addict.

Am I correct? Well? They're all the same in my heart something cheesy like did you don't want to burn bridges with any of them You know they all listen to the show. I Mean she didn't actually murder.

She just shot someone in the torso You mean attempted murder. Yeah, she was defending herself the dude like put herself put himself through his windshield And she shot him. Yeah, usually usually fall after somebody shoots you in the chest. That is correct I love it.

She murdered that guy. We read the news article I'm gonna sneak one on us, but it's okay. Everybody loves you. That's how cool you are is that you can bring heroin addicts and murders around and we're all like Oh, Han And we will that's another brand new minute by the great Hans Kim everybody talking tornadoes Ukraine Kids got it, man.

Let's go to the bucket. Shall we let's meet a new soul? This could be someone that we've seen before it could be somebody's first time ever on the show anything can happen Make some noise for Jacob David's everybody Jacob David Sounds like a new name here. We go.

Here's a new minute from Jacob David's everybody I'm not ready for this. Um, I think a literacy is like swimming Sure 99% of people can do it, but can you really like if I dropped all of us a quarter mile into a lake or an ocean? How many of us would make it? I don't I don't think a lot.

I think a lot of us have gone for a long float Similarly a literacy If Joe Rogan came in here right now and asked me to spell jiu-jitsu or ask any of us I think a lot of us are getting fucking kicked in the head I skipped a few words there Motherfucker Hans Kim he had those three fingers in that bitch. I know he was doing it like this my man Perfect Wow Goddamnit you're like if someone hit an unfunny spell on Harry Potter. It's incredible. Wow.

You're horrible. I love it. How are you? I wrote that on the way here.

So I love it. Well, did you have another minute prepare that maybe this is this is the first I've never done this is your first time doing stand-up. Congratulations. I'm gonna hand for Jacob David doing it here This is not easy people.

This is like popping your cherry. This is like losing your virginity on a public park It's what this is it feels a weird place to make your comedy debut But it takes real balls, which is funny because you look like you don't have any. Oh, okay I'm just joking Jacob. Welcome to the show.

What made you want to do it today? What made you choose today? I've been just leave the little apartment that you have under your parents staircase Very close. I got a lot of them.

I got a lot of us. You want another one? We were all prisoners of ask a fan during that set You know what I'm saying? I have more.

Thank you. I have more about you. You know what I'm saying? That's all I have I don't have anymore.

I wrote those down when you were performing like a scary Potter motherfucker. I love it Jacob, what do you do? Right now I make pizzas. Hell yeah, okay.

I love that. Yeah, I make pizzas So all right. How long you been doing that for about a month and a half month and a half? Hell yeah, you seem like the guy that has a glass pipe in your center console and you're not in the San Francisco Civic, am I correct?

So you're the camera. Whoo so close. Oh god. You know those are just I crash the old it You what I crashed my civic ah so you did have a Honda Civic did yeah, what happened there?

How'd you crash it trying to get a pizza to a place on time? We're connecting my Bluetooth connection to Bluetooth Wow Yeah, you can't believe all that just to listen to Morrissey You guys are no more see it. I don't know. I don't know it works somehow.

I think yeah, all right Jacob So you're making pizzas how are you I'm 23 23 you go to college? I did yeah I just graduated last semester or two semesters go now and you have your m walkie you what? Walkie I went to UWM walkie. I'm a Scot you WM Milwaukee University, Wisconsin of Milwaukee Wow.

Yes. Hell yeah Population one are you the mascot and the president? There's 15,000 there. What's the mascot?

Oh panther. Oh wow you guys really went for it with that, huh? Better than a white panther hands and ball ring all right. I love it.

So how long have you been in Austin, Texas? What brought you here one day? I'm looking I've been here one day. I'm looking to move you like all this stuff So per second I thought you were gonna say something really deep like one day I'm gonna run this city and I'm like whoa No, but you've just been here one day is what you're saying.

Yeah, we came in last night. Who's we me my mom and my dad Whoa, okay, our mom and dad in the audience here. They are not oh go fuck yourself Yeah, oh I would have loved to have found out what they thought about their unfunny son's comedy debut Oh, how I love bringing parents on stage can we get a couple to play his parents here? Is there a couple is there anybody here as kids is there any?

You guys are no fun. It's easier to get people to make out with Hans Kim than it is Holy shit ladies and gentlemen the Terminator is here everybody. How exciting is this? What's this?

Not the Terminator? It's the bad guy. Are you the actual bad guy? I'm literally like maybe this isn't even a joke right now Am I like fucking up and it actually is the bad guy from Terminator?

It's not he just looks like that Stand up and wait. Yoni. Where the fuck are you? You don't even have his face.

Yoni. You're over there the court. You're literally filming the back of his fucking head. Yoni That's what I'm talking about this fucking guy We literally have we have literally the worst cameraman in the history of all shows.

I mean literally horrible I'm like look everybody's like I'm showing the people on YouTube the back of his fucking head. I Mean it's unbelievable. Yoni you get that a lot do people that mainly for me. Oh, I've done this before I smoke a lot of pot I'm sorry every time I see my other bagger Terminator Hey, what the fuck is the deal with the bagger of Terminator?

All right, who gives a shit? I'm sorry. Jesus. You're so boring.

I'm talking to an audience Wait, can you just hand him the microphone and you just stand there? No, I'm kidding. All right. Tell us something interesting about you Jacob My pinky doesn't work fully I lost it in a poker accident.

You lost it in a poker accident. What was the poker accident? I was playing and I was playing online and It's crazy that you don't even know what's funny and what's not funny like you didn't think that was gonna be funny at all Right, that was a complete accident Yeah, well, no, I didn't lose it. Just like function of the pop-up He's accidentally funny right now.

I'm so sorry. I'm gonna look back and be like what did I do? Yeah, I love Jacob. Has anybody ever told you that you're funny that you should start staying up?

No, no, no once I just love the show. What's your love life like? I'm pretty single. Yeah, I had you'll panther can't find a cougar out there delivering pizzas porn style New giorno.

I mean it seems like that's how it would work in fucking weather. Is it Western Milwaukee the University of Western Milwaukee? University of Wisconsin Milwaukee, dude, you need to stop saying the Milwaukee part Why do you say that is that a thing? In the University of Wisconsin the Badgers like why Milwaukee?

That's just like you shouldn't be allowed to say that Say I go to the University of Milwaukee What the fuck yeah, all right Jacob. I love it. You ever hear you're hanging out with your parents? You have separate hotel rooms Not separate hotel rooms.

Oh, this is what I asked this is Separ rooms, but you're in the same two bedroom hotel. Correct Airbnb. Okay, and Airbnb. All right.

Let me ask you this Jacob Here's the million dollar question. You ever hear your parents banging a little bit? Not once never not once. I know Sent Hansen to throw three fingers in your mother and we're gonna figure out exactly if we can get momma to make some noise, you know I'm saying So funny that I said that he made a Harry Potter joke that he lives under his parents stairs and he's literally you know Airbnb with his parents This is all so real.

Yeah Indeed it is I live in the basement right now. I'm back in Oshkosh. I don't even live in Milwaukee. Oh, Oshkosh Crazy so wackadoodle, huh?

Yeah, my goodness just out there eating all the cheese. Huh? No, Oshkosh. I did deliver pizzas.

There's so much cheese Hell yeah, so what's going on? You ever pray to your lord Aaron Rogers out there? What's going on? It's your religion You have a he's back.

We're thankful for his mercy. Yeah, well, that's something. We'll never say about you Jacob But no congratulations. It's your first time doing stand-up comedy you get one of these little joke books made by the great phones.

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Well, you just watched a man's first set ever doing stand-up comedy and right now you may be watching a man's last set ever doing stand-up comedy We have the return of one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show right now This man has been battling one of the most crippling diseases one can have four years He got us through the pandemic an improvisational guru turn stand-up comedian at the comedy store was the first cast member to move to Austin, Texas With red man and I he's been retired for months. He's back for one night only make some fucking noise for the great and powerful the return of Michael Shut up I came back because now more than ever you all need my company We're on the brick or World War three and President is a Lisking is a former comedian and now a wartime president But let's throw down how quickly Realizing when we make comedians more authorities they become Bill Cosby Now what kind of fucking bargaining tip are we using with Russian? They'll be NBA's Brendan Griner Was soccer lesbian making Rapinoe unavailable? Hey, how about we send them to Russia Beto or a rogue legalized weed bitch I I smoke crack on six feet Fucking legalizing weed you wake up I cream looking motherfucker Wow look at that Michael Blair.

How fucking cool is that? Unbelievable this man welcome back buddy. It's given us so many unbelievably killer minutes so many absolutely epic interviews afterwards Been retired for months went into hiding turned into one of the bad guys from the Superman movies. I'm not sure which one What was the group of them?

I'm only growing out my beard. I think I'm I'm letting birds This Very nice you turn into that lady from home alone to that has all the pigeons for some reason gives people a little Wow holy shit Wow No Great, is that a peep is that a peep or an actual rubber duck? Yeah, I don't know dog toy or something. Yeah, it's a peep I love it.

Hey, yeah, I'm pointing me sir. I'm I'm a man. Myles rank Monty Pardon me Monty. I'm Michael.

We am a man I'm allowed one beer a day and only after I am no no I've been in my backpack you might grab in there for me Wait a second when you open this is a bunch of foamy snakes gonna fly out or something Oh Day ladies and gentlemen is the biggest bottle of modello we've ever seen Incredible You could tell literally a gag bought at a thrift store for this moment right here Michael is a master thrift store specialist his apartment is filled with the coolest shit just shelves and shelves of awesome stuff Am I correct Michael am I close to write about this purchase? Yes, and if we could take a minute You know how I always abuse this platform from my own financial game without it out without a doubt Well, I thought we could start at $20 and auction this you want to auction that hell yeah, and this is gonna go to your beer fun All right, absolutely. Let's start the bidding at this bottle of giant medellia 20 we have a we have resident a chief That's 20 all right show why going 25 about 30 they got that 40 should we shoot up? Oh wow bones eyes in the mix 50 60 Whoa a hundred bucks up at the top whoa Is that real if somebody's being funny?

We're gonna jump you after this just to let you know all right? So it's a hundred hundred and twenty what's that whoa 150 over there in the corner? This is the real deal. How about 200 for Michael's modello bottle anybody what holy shit 200 up there for a giant bottle of Odello 250 anybody 250 come on 300 anybody 300 going once 250 is it 250 is locked up there right good Whoa?

251 this is turned into a bad idea everybody it's officially gone the length of time in which I'm frustrated about it Yeah, we're at 251 Michael guys who's not sending a poster dinner Wow you are absolutely right all right 251 going once twice three times 251 the big medello Michael you're a legend. We love you so much You want to open her open it come get your stupid bottle man Is is is a bank is a bank. Oh, it's a pinky bank. Oh, okay?

Very good. Hell yeah Is it made out of glass or like ceramic? It's good. You get my pinky bank cuz he just spent his life savings on it.

So go get the start from scratch again I don't know what is made out of Sir, will you get down here this man has a debilitating disease. We literally might have minutes left All right here all right here. Here she comes everybody they sent they said what appears to be a Wow with 251 dollars exactly Heck yeah, maybe that girl maybe that girl can use her tiny language tits to sit yourself a bottle of medello a little bit Oh come on those tiny little lines that she had am I right? I have to say something about everybody that comes up here It's just a part of the thing It's not all happiness up here.

Yeah, um, I know it's been a while But they usually move the fucking stairs before they live in our stage that was this You know what we should do let's auction off the stairs right now. What do you guys think ladies and gentlemen? That goes to the great Michael layer everybody a legend. We love him I mean all you have to do is go back and fast forward to his parts during the pandemic episodes Literally some of the funniest stuff to ever happen in the history of the show he created himself during those wild times He literally kept the show afloat during the pandemic.

How about one more time for my very good friend Michael layer That guy lives for this shit lives for moments like that Your next comedian goes by the name of Olivia Stadler Olivia Stadler You guys haven't fun out there yet, huh? Alright one more time for Olivia Stadler everybody What's up? What's up bitches? How are you I uh, I know I'm dressed slutty.

I was actually raised slutty I come from a very slutty family. I was raised by the cool mom You guys know what cool mom's like she would buy me lingerie for Christmas when I was in high school. I'm not getting it So young she was still writing from Santa on it Like what is the narrative we're building here mom like a Santa trying to fuck me I don't like an old guy snuck in your last night left a minor lingerie. I don't know if that's festive Okay, I don't think dad's in the Christmas spirit.

I don't know I love my mom though My dad or great Angeline Frank or their names celebrity couple name and Frank pretty sick, right? It's pretty sick. I think I can make and Frank jokes. I did a Jewish life for like four years I almost converted at one point.

I was thinking about it. I called a rabbi. I wanted to know about it right? I called him.

He's gonna be five thousand dollars to convert. Yeah, you crazy. I'm not paying that He was like you passed the test you're in Olivia Stadler hello welcome. How are you?

I'm good nice to meet you. I love it first time on the show first time on the show How long did one stand up comedy? It was like two years before the pandemic so I guess four years now Awesome. Yeah, congratulations.

Thank you. Does anyone ever told you that you look like a background dancer, but like way way in the background That was for my friends over there. I knew they would like that one a couple friends. I know their exact sense of humor Sometimes I pander towards it and it's fun for everybody Okay, Olivia let it begin four years in the game of stand up all of it here in Austin, Texas.

No, I live in Toronto We did a we did one of our first ever road gigs was actually strangely enough in a theater in Toronto Yeah, Tony back in 2013 we sold out a theater in Toronto and remember we so it's good a puff mama's house or We just smoke a bunch of weed. I mean a legend. I've literally passed out there. Yeah getting greedy That's back when it was like super illegal to smoke weed and there's a place in Toronto for literally a lot like the last 15 years Where they put on secret comedy shows in the back and people get high as fuck and it was literally like nothing else It was nothing like it in LA no air either And everyone had hookers that so you're just getting stoned as fuck the list of people that have greened out there includes both me and Doug Benson to let you know the level of pot smoking I mean it is maximum.

It's literally like Snoop Dogg would go in there and be like this shit's fucked up It was so bad at Tony actually when he got off stage when outside just start taking off his shirt and everything just Like 20 degrees or something like that, but who knows up there with their sales? So you know what I'm like not even feeling okay? I totally felt it felt sick as fuck anyway Olivia been on Santa for years all of in Toronto How long you been in Austin two days two days absolutely? This is what it does to people two days in Austin You already kind of look like decent either, you know what I'm saying like it affects people No, I'm kidding Olivia.

So you've been here two days. What have you done for fun so far? Drink for run. She'll like that.

Okay. Okay. Absolutely. Who'd you come here with by yourself?

No my friend Patrick Fisherman He's here. I can't visit I'm a I'm here. I run my writer on the show letter County. So I came to watch their tour Okay, what did you say?

What do you say about dodgeball? I say dodgeball my hearing so What no do you think a thing that I could put in my ear to hear? Now we're doing a show you asshole do you want me to try not being a woman what you want me to try not being a woman? The fuck are you talking about a woman?

I love it Olivia. What do you do for work? I'm a writer on the show letter Kenny Oh, that's what you do for a living. Oh my goodness.

I forget in Canada. This is considered a comedy writer everybody I'm kidding. You were very funny Olivia. So what do you have planned for your trip to Austin?

What are you excited about you like a taking part of a roller derby event or something like that? Yeah, I like that I don't know just stand up hanging out drinking, you know, it's so fun. I love it What else about you must have some like hobby or something during the day? You ever do like dance with like fire sticks or something?

Why do you play that? Why does Bell Bibbe devotee the go-to on this? Because I like the dancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, big J.

Little J. Oh, yeah Little J. Cokerson Red Man you did it. I said Cokerson.

Cokerson would have been better though. It's better little J. Cokerson Do you know who big J. O'Kerson is?

Yeah He's amazing comedian that wears fingerless gloves. So you the little J. Cokerson because you seem a little cocky But it's okay. We all have our different things On this show I'm gay So I mean we all play different characters here.

Am I gay on this show? You can't be. Yeah. This is what this show is.

I just get fucked in the end of the night by hands and he's three people. Yeah, we go from Kill Tony to Kill Boney real quick. You know what I mean? It's Texas.

I don't need some more beers. We're real gay in Texas. We ain't that California gay. We're real gay.

We're fucking Spit tobacco and swallow come. You know what I'm talking about? Okay, so that fucking one two punch. You know what I'm saying that fucking All right.

Ah, I gotta get my life together Olivia what's another fun fact about you before we let you go that we would be interested know about your entire life? Maybe uh, you said that your family was slutty. What does that mean? I don't know we're all sluts.

Like I have three sisters. I have a sister who's like in Miami just being a slut, you know? Tick tock fucking 300 followers still slutting up every day on tik tock you're talking about no She's gonna love that I said that More specific question So you're right around a TV show you do that and you're visiting for how long like a week okay? You're visiting for Canada.

Manti here. Yeah is from Australia. So maybe maybe you think that's the same place, you know From the common world like we're gonna fucking know each other and talk about the metric system and shit I was gonna say I was gonna do it. Yeah, I'm a homosexual show is this I Was thinking maybe you guys can compare passports or something like that Have some fun here in the greatest country on planet Earth Olivia what's the longest that you've ever done 20?

I would like to open up the secret show Thursday. I would love to You just booked on a real comedy show in Austin, Texas congratulations here. You got laughs take a big joke book Olivia Sadler everybody there she goes there she is Hey This band is unbelievable, I mean they just play shit you hear that how about one more time for the band everybody This looks like a new name makes a noise for Mabel Sullivan everybody Mabel Sullivan We're having fun here here. She is everybody makes a nice for Mabel Sullivan one more time Can you hear me?

This is my second time trying to get in so I feel pretty lucky It's also the second time that I really feel like I've made some bad choices in my life and I'm rethinking a lot I don't really fit in I didn't think so until we were talking about slutty dressing and And slutty daughters I am a dresser and I have a slutty daughter I would like to give a shout out to Hans I've seen him a few times these hilarious but not for being funny But for slaying all of the puntang that he had buddy slaves and it sounds like that's quite often I think slaying means collecting so I am a ma'am I'm identified as a ma'am because that's what everybody calls me. Hey ma'am Do you want some fries with that shit? Hey ma'am? Do you want to save the children?

Yes? Okay, Mabel Sullivan everybody doing a little bit of a doing a little bit of a poetry for us here everybody Yes, I do Mabel welcome you have to be one of the funniest gas station clerks we've ever had on the show I mean I get the vibe I get the vibe you only been up here a minute I feel like you're already ready for a cigarette break right now, you know what I'm saying? Mabel grab that microphone talking to the tip of that thing. How do you feel?

How's it going? How long even when stand up what the hell's going on with you? This is my fourth time fourth time. Okay.

What made you want to start doing this? I kind of a pathetic life. Oh shit D-Man knows D-Man is even though he's blind he knows it's a thick white woman So he's going to jerk off real quick, you know what I mean? You can hear it in the voice you can hear that fucking You can hear that fucking hand sandwich in the back of your throat Mabel.

I'm kidding. I'm joking. She didn't even hear it. Hi Mabel I love it.

What do you do for work? I am a teacher really What do you really do maybe you're a teacher what are you teaching? Special education okay I love it. Look at that.

I always say that seems like it would be one of the easiest jobs ever You know what I mean because who's paying attention, you know what I mean? I Get lots of smoke breaks though So I bet you do Mabel tell us more about your life you have kids or anything kids like I said to two slutty Well one slutty daughter and one on her way and upcoming slutty And apprentice like you hold up But I love this all this on the new season of Roseanne everybody I've been married for 20 years. Oh to John Goodman so cool I wish I wish no, it's funny. Don't do it really and it's you got married in Vegas.

Am I correct? I wanted to get married. I bet you did look at that. It was my childhood dream But my husband wanted a fancy wedding.

Oh, yeah, so where'd you do it out? Just in Michigan that oh, yes nothing fancier than Michigan Everybody oh the fancy hills of Michigan so close to the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee You can almost smell it just right across the Great Lakes. They're called that because of the greatest Oh, they're so great. I need no need to look at any other lakes other than the great ones Cracking myself up over here Thank you, Mabel.

Thank you. Now. I actually don't know if I'm funny if you think I'm funny now I'm questioning it for a second. Can we talk why you think your daughter's a slight a little bit more?

How old is she first before we Okay, whoa, we don't want to talk about why she's a slut. How old is she? Oh, they're her dirty laundry for her. She All right, all right, man Stop pressing random buttons.

She has a boyfriend who's wonderful and she decided she wanted a break and in her mind that meant she could go and Screw a couple other people while they run a break. Oh, jeez. So stop it right bands insinuating that it was a black man It was actually a scrawny white. Was it a black man?

No? That's what she told you you seem like the kind of mom They're pretty mad about that. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna put the side of these vans right up your fucking She's wearing vans everybody.

You're a little too comfortable for a mother. You know what I'm saying? Two different socks ones inside out. That is trending.

No, it's not trending. It's not trending. Oh my goodness gracious Nice to do this. I know I wanted to do something that scared me every day and I did it.

Have you ever thought about going for a jog? Oh You know what oh, you're gonna turn on me. Oh, did she look physically 50 y'all? Oh I know that I'm overweight I've acknowledged that and I thought I would come out and immediately say something fat joke But I knew that it would come up eventually you might be overweight But the weight is over for you, Mabel.

You guys grown out, but I may have just changed this woman's life I'm going to jog every day. All right. It's got weird. You see that I'm gonna read big on a slut again Mabel Sullivan ladies.

You're making her feel so beautiful. Mabel Mabel. Mabel. Mabel.

Mabel even though you weren't really funny I'm gonna give you a big joke because I like you Mabel Sullivan everybody See that goes one-and-two ways she comes back she went for jogs or she killed herself after the show two daughters left a motherless after comedy show Goes wrong. Oh there was All right, let's fix the room ladies and gentlemen. We have a very special treat for you a golden ticket winner everybody is here from Canada he is An absolute icon on the show. We love him here with a brand new minute makes a noise for Jared Nathan everybody Have you ever asked a spider for direction You can be careful with that you're not in a rush More of this had the sputter had a sputter Look it up.

No 100 And it's dead for 40 years took them Want to get directions There it is exactly a minute this guy knows what he's doing Look at this Special ed the teacher has become the student and the student has become the teacher Jared Nathan Coming up here smashing showing how it's done Golden ticket winner. We've made you locally famous. How does it feel? Awesome?

Amazing great fantastic? Glorious adjectives very good. You're like a fucking big crazy thesaurus or something like that 100% is right Jared what you've been doing for fun. I tried eating Help it whoa Okay, so what do we do we stop protein shake and For a walk you had a protein shake and win for a walk.

That's very good. That's better than whatever. Okay You ate one box of crayons Where's the lights? Where's the lighting guy that qualified?

Nothing nothing on that you're on your phone back there lighting guy that should have activated the lights Anyone right through me? Got my pants Okay, it's all the wax. Yeah, we're talking about the crayons and a protein shake look like a melted bag of skittles In your underwear You son of a bitch. I love it.

So Jared that's fun. Did you feel healthier after drinking a protein shake and going for a walk? I'll do it again. Okay.

Did Tony tell you to go on these walks. Yeah, this is a new thing I've been doing right try to change people's lives. Nobody laughed at my navel Sullivan jokes. Oh, I know I'm kidding All right, so let's talk about it Jared Nathan what else other than protein shake and a walk shooting a movie on Friday?

Okay? Director yeah the director we found out Pilot a punch is perfect. Oh, you're Tony perfect part for me. Oh, a bottom or we go Totally cut your full shit.

Oh What what are you serious? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? All right get out of there You know what fuck everybody shows cancel fuck you mean I'm full of shit Oh You son of a bitch Wow Right, okay, stop rubbing it in.

Oh my god now. I know what the bad guy from Terminator feels like Jesus Really piling on here. I love it. You really?

Are you really even shooting a movie or was it all just for that joke? Hell yeah, are you shooting a movie with a camera or shooting a movie like Alec Baldwin shoots a movie? What are we talking about it? Could I hired me for his rose just a What you have a camera and everything is that you said?

Yeah, actual film set yeah, okay, legitimate all right. How did you get how did you get funding for a legitimate film? No, he got hired Very cool. Thank you.

It's Jason Rous. Yeah, okay. Very cool. Yeah, is this a Canadian film?

It's after you shot here in the state is in American form. Did you see Olivia Stadler on stage earlier? Do you guys know each other in the Toronto scene? Yeah, I know her okay?

We did some shows that the underground underground. Yep I mean it's a perfect name for you to say You could have stopped at any point there you had it. Well the bird bird bird bird bird bird bird bird bird bird bird What do you Hell yeah, do you ever do karaoke? I do what do you usually go with your good to fish?

Freefall it really okay, whoa you get should we think we should get a little verse from Jared? Wow Wow 9 years And a couple months it's gonna be 9 years that we've been doing this live podcast I've had hundreds of people sing a part of a song never has anyone been smart enough to start with a chorus like you I Mean wow just give them what they fucking came for even the musicians are like Even demonus is like I've never seen that shit before in my life. I mean incredible Jared You did it so seamlessly. I love that that's it.

Thank you. Absolutely. I would love to have you on the secret show again Thursday There he is you got him again go see him Thursday. There you go.

There's Jared. Hey everybody Now yeah Alright, make some noise for Benjamin sefton another stranger out of the bucket looks like a brand new name We're meeting a lot of good people tonight. Everybody's been new tonight very interesting The bucket of destiny speaks again. He is pure hands together one time for Benjamin sefton.

Thank you Hey, Tony. How's it going? South by Southwest is over guys Music I'm here to talk about my favorite rapper soldier boy Soldier boy got a new job recently You wonder you wonder where? That's whoo Yeah, he posted on Twitter and he was feeling a little sick.

He thought he had coronavirus, but you know turns out it's just the flu He made a he released a game console recently called the soldier game and Nintendo sued him So you had to play all the pay all the lawyers and legal fees and stuff it was an intent I love soldier It's great. How's your stop by Tony? Hell yeah, all right. There's a minute from Benjamin sefton Wow Benjamin all I have to say is boo Welcome to the show Benjamin.

This is your first time on I'd remember you you have the energy of somebody that's going to kill everybody I mean you look like the guy that murders the murders Like you look like a serial killer that only gets off on killing other serial killers. I'm really nice What you seem like the last I get my victims you seem like the last white taxi cab driver You drive an actual taxi like a New Jersey or something? You don't have a driver's license. Okay.

Wow even Jared Nathan has a driver's license What's the reason like you're not allowed to? Okay, is that a two liter of Coca-Cola next to your bed right now? Dr. Pepper This is the type of guy that gets two liters of soda.

I'm not I am correct about this. Am I right? Just last night, man. You're goddamn right the two liter of Dr.

Pepper It's a very specific unit of measurement only a specific type of person drinks like that Do you even use a copper you drink it straight out of the bottle tell the truth? Yeti come you have a special yeti fuck. Yeah, you have a special chair that you sit in there's one TV tray there Am I correct? Coffee table you have a real coffee table.

Do you have roommates then? Yeah? That's the vibe if you had your own place it would just be one little one of those little like you know stands with like that You have pool like that. You know what the fuck I'm talking about do you smoke inside of where you live?

Do you smoke on the inside sometimes cigarettes? That's exactly you see what I'm doing here. Do you people all see how rare all of these things are that I'm failing just not Look, I could tell that you smoke inside your own place a rare thing for even smokers an extremely rare thing, right? Yeah, I'm a super-scent huge smokers.

We never right right right what is it? Hold on just hold on one second. Give me just one more beat. I think you're gonna say parliament No, no, I'm gonna say camel crush wait wait wait wait wait don't agree with it I'm gonna say camel regular full-flavored not light not blue, but like camel old-school.

What is it? Oh? This is like somebody that's on a diet though. Am I right?

That's not your own cheese cigarette You went to that because you started to have a chest. Oh, I smoke two packs of them a day You smoke two packs of blue at day Jesus Wow wake up gooberry, huh? Absolutely incredible. I hate jogging So I'm just taking out the breathe.

Yeah, I'm not even gonna tell you to run. I know that's impossible I really think the maple is gonna do something but I mean you I know D-Manus will beat you in a race you do a lot of credit card fraud You have a very specific look Brandon you really really do it's very interesting you look like the guy that eats That the spaghetti goes right out of the can anyone ever told you that you look like that Does anyone ever told you that you look like the kind of guy that has two angry big dogs Am I close to right about this? Do you have a pet? Yeah a snake cat?

Wow look at that. Do you have a room with a bunch of tarps like all over Do you have ham and maybe a mandarin orange juice? Yeah, what is in your refrigerator right now that belongs to you that is a really good question again? I'm gonna take another guess here is there a pack of lunchables in there?

No, okay, but there is a bag of bologna There's one Okay Kind of lunch meets are we talking about you seem like a pumpernickel kind of guy Is a bread pickle loaf is what I was going for do you know what pickle loaf is now even you okay? I'm a little bit more white trash than you, but I recovered I pulled out of it I like go up the ways of my young teachings, but I know yeah pickle loaf dude I see pick a lot sandwiches of America. Yeah, are you a robot white bread my grandma did make rhubarb pie are you a Rubar guy you I used to eat raw rhubarb every weekend. It's really bad for you can die from that don't do it All right Benjamin, how long you been on stand up eight years?

Holy shit. Oh my god a little woman just scream for her life Absolutely wild all right eight years all of it here in Austin Yeah, pretty much New York City just for a little bit you started in New York I traveled there to stand up when I was there okay, so you lived in New York or New Jersey I was just traveling there visiting friends and do stand up was there all right, okay, okay? Okay, anyway, so Benjamin what do you do for a living? Nothing really really you collecting like government checks.

Yeah, okay. What's your disability? You I have a mental illness you do yeah, you know, I'm calling your bluff on this one dude We had Jared Nathan up here earlier. You're one of the most mentally stable people.

We've had on the show here tonight actually It's actually quite incredible. I suffer from insomnia Okay, I find myself laying awake at night just thinking like if I could go anywhere where would I go and go to fucking sleep Right there you go. Thanks Brody Stevens. That's a true comedian with mental illness.

This has been a confirmed Okay, thank you Brody there goes just just like the soundbites and left us too soon everyone that's enough That's enough don't doubt that no more. It's just fucking depressing. Anyway, I love it. So Benjamin.

That's very exciting So with if you ever had a real job before yeah, I worked in IT for a long time, okay I'm trying to get off a disability. You get a job very cool. All right any hobbies anything that you enjoy Oh, then stand up comedy. I DJ a little bit really are okay, okay?

Okay, a little bit everything all right very cool But not good at any of it. How about your love life? You have any you ever go on dates or anything like that? Try to man.

They banned me from Tinder. Oh shit damn What do you have to okay? That's enough of that. What do you have to do to get banned on Tinder?

I don't know I just swiped right on everybody And then started filtering and next thing I know I can't love anymore Was there any keywords in the direct messages, you know like strangle or? Nah, I was so excited I beat Tinder because I ran out of women. Wow. I don't think that's how it looks.

I don't think you won I mean, it's over Well Benjamin eight years in the game you did your finest minute of solja boy jokes You really came out guns ablaze and I believe it was joke just repeated full-time indeed. It was the same joke over and over No doubt Yeah, what's solja boy's favorite color? We already know Benjamin. We know the answer to this.

I kind of want to hear it I don't comment on people's gang affiliations. Oh All right Well, we know you're gang affiliation you're a crit for sure. You know what I'm saying Creep not creep creep makes me one more time for Benjamin's theft in everybody Benjamin Benjamin take a joke book with the avengerman take one of these All right, all right Ladies and gentlemen, we have a we have a brand new regular on this show who's been performing a brand new man every week for a few weeks Now, let's see what happens this week. Thanks for Ellis H everyone Y'all I was thinking if I went back in time and I talked to Marlu the king What do you think it'd be more excited about like Obama or interracial porn?

Like you know I can just see it to he be the old bomber is a very fine young man, but tell me more about this black Damn, dude, it's just black dude smashing white women. That's what I've been dreaming about Yes, try to beat my meat to all these black butts All right, y'all I'm getting older getting older life is precious and sometimes you don't appreciate things until they're gone Like your fucking teeth you want to appreciate them bitches until they are gone ladies and gentlemen I have no molars that none of that. That's the shit that helped you chew a food real good real fine I'm about to say if y'all don't like me if you hate my dust you don't you want to take me out You ain't got to shoot me you ain't got to stab me just order my house is the steak I'll be at the texture of house fighting for my life in that bitch Ellis H everybody there you go a new minute from Ellis H. Hell yeah, welcome back Alice.

Here you are again Is that sure what happened your molars? Just you know gummy bears bro. They tell you about drugs and shit. They don't ever tell you about gummy bears That's a really fucking shit.

That's true gummy bears. I'll fuck you up. I love it So all right, and does that really affect you? You can't eat a steak you plow through it I could eat it, but I got to chew really carefully like I'm just my shit.

Do does that yeah, you're what my shit Do does that he's had all his teeth pulled just his front teeth and oh cool anyway He's like my shit so Tony all right So Alice let's talk about it earlier when you came in tonight into the green room. You were wearing a shirt Yeah, I said my name is Ellis H and you said that I had a look on my face like I was coming up with jokes You look like the fucking devil This motherfucker was so red he look like he wanted to end my life and everybody in that room was up to no fucking good with him They were all laughing you're all getting like this right is great But you know if you bought it at a fair or something like do you really think that that we should look at that shirt by the way? I mean where is it? What did you do with it?

Did you change it because you were afraid of what I was gonna say? Yes Can we get that where's that shirt hidden can we get it up here? Can you put it on for us? How many you think we should get him in the shirt that he was gonna wear sometimes?

It's not fair one of the things that happens is sometimes I see some of the regulars are cast members right before the show And they get scared like if I'm like oh nice hat William or whatever like But very rarely does anybody ever change this is exciting. You don't like being made fun of is that correct Ellis? I don't this shit It's like like a rose master shit. No stop it.

Don't compliment me. It makes it weird Like an evil fucking eternal or something. Did you get some new shoes though? Those look new no they're saying those are the ones we originally made fun of Yeah, one point I roasted his shoes so bad that he took them off and threw them off stage those were not the shoes I would remember yeah, those are you just take good care of those?

It's alright, man. I'm not a tony the shirt is over here. Okay. We have the shirt everybody here It is how the fuck did you get the shirt?

Come on put it on Ellis. How many you think you should put it on right now? Alright here he goes ladies and gentlemen putting on his there's a QR code for a better shirt as you could see Already on the thing. Oh my god.

He looks so miserable right now This is like this is like when you put it one of those weird outfits on a little puppy dog or something Yeah, I'm just uncomfortable trying to squeeze out of it the whole time, but that is your official merch. Am I correct? Yes, it's my first merge everybody my friend. Let's see.

I made it. It's a lth production Wait, are you giving all these shout outs to the maker of that shirt? No, but look he is pink I'm giving a shout out to her, but look here's the deal first off I have folded it up and it's our wrinkles are looking like ultra shit, but look I was shit before whatever, but no Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, Ellis Everything's okay.

I'm your friend. I just like the shirt. I'm not even gonna make fun of it Yeah, I mean What do you think my face turns red when I have high blood pressure Ellis? I don't know why my face turns red Like I heard Bishop in it.

He was like, oh man, that's the shirt I was telling you about and I said these motherfuckers up to no good. They plodded on a nigga And I don't appreciate it a lot of people have been mentioning a lot of people behind the scenes They go did you see Alice's shirt the other day? I didn't see it and they told me they just kept saying QR codes Key work codes. They just kept saying QR codes.

I'm like what happened, but here it is now. I see hi comma My name is Ellis H People keep fucking up my name. So I just like how my name is Ellis H Yes, like a letter in parentheses. Did you design this in Microsoft Word?

Like It really is it really is it's truly I mean just incredible. Do you own it and have people bought it? Have you sold any yeah, I sold 20 where do you sell these up? I didn't sell any One of those shirts No This auction is going the wrong direction $35 is what you're charging do you have these anywhere?

Did you even make other ones or these made to order? But you haven't sold one how long have they been for sale two weeks two weeks not one shirt sold What do the QR codes do it links it to so, you know link tree Just like a wing tea you feel me like you just and that bitch and it goes on my tiktok YouTube all that shit Alice your door. It's a fucking stupid shirt Only person who's gonna buy it is named Ellis H otherwise, it's fucking ridiculous You have another person called Ellis H and then hope that they buy your shirt listen your margin of people is very slim And not only not only does it have to be the exact same thing anything about 15 minutes and that's the first thing Hey, look man David Beckham Ellis H is the only person that rose with compliments alright David beckon your billionaire soccer player Oh shit, that's dumb you global superstar you swab winner you feel the burn Oh shit Ellis I love you. I mean you are such an interesting character I mean you have these weird like actor energies.

You're there. You're not there. Sometimes you're fucking hilarious Sometimes you're weird as fuck. I love it.

I love the trip You're like very very human and I can tell you have a lot of passion and to wear a shirt like that early on in your career Tells me that you really fucking believe in yourself. I've seen this before with people I've seen this before and they end up being they end up being big big stars. I really believe in you I have a one more time for Ellis H everybody All right, you guys think we should go to this bucket one more time, huh? All right one last bucket full See what happens out here Sam headroom everybody Sam Watkins cross not his name and but Sam headroom, so this will be interesting Very special mental illness episode of Peltoni Sam headroom next anybody coming.

Hopefully it's Max's brother. Nobody's moving here No movement. Okay. Here he comes.

Here he comes. All right. Here he is Sam headroom everybody. Oh Shit, I've read the fuck a big and she and lady Gaga.

And you guys seen how to do she yeah I need some of that and scoochie. You know I'm talking about my pronouns are nigger. I feel like Yes, sir, I feel like if you you know what I mean like I'm not gonna make you mad if you got some tits in a dick If I call you nigga, right? I'll so I'm horrible with names One of my buddies his we call him timer.

That's because he counts down before he comes I always imagine it like a one a two a three I don't listen to country music because I don't want to listen to nothing. I might be home to Just saying you know, I ain't trying to die listening to Toby Keith. Fuck. Yeah, Sam headroom.

Welcome. How are you? Absolutely good. Welcome to the show.

I like your style at one point You did a joke in which you said the N word and D madness plugged his ears. I think he thought you were a white guy for a second That wouldn't be the first time I've been missing. I'm here to tell you this guy looks just like Frederick Douglas's grandson It's a Sam headroom. Welcome to the show.

How long you been to in stand-up comedy? This is my first time Tony. Really? Are you fucking serious?

Actually shocking to me based on your mic technique alone I mean you actually kept the microphone in front of your face. I've listened to every single episode of kill time. Oh, wow, okay, very cool Tom Papa, okay. Yep.

Yep. That was today. Yes, sir. Wow.

That's so cool Sam Where you from? I'm from Chicago from Chicago. You listen to every episode of the show. How long you been in Austin for?

Two days I'm out here because my brother works for Tesla, so sweet. Hell yeah. Thank goodness for diversity hires. Am I right?

I love it I'm so would have got damn it. Wow, you're an actual fan of the show. This is so cool Yes, I love it. So what else are you doing up in Chicago?

What do you do for a living Sam? I work for Amazon I work for Bezos Wow look at that two brothers one working for Bezos one working for Elon Musk and people Think slavery has ended isn't it incredible isn't it funny how they think? Yes, sir. I love it.

Luckily. I know Sam can handle any joke. I said Tony. I actually drink with you in Chicago Oh really after a thalia Hall?

Yes, sir. Oh, it was a bad show. I apologize The podcast but you didn't call me up. So wait what oh the podcast I drank with you after the bar actually wait what yeah I'm old lady gave you a shot and it wasn't good.

What do you mean about it in Chicago? Okay, yeah last time you played what do you mean? But when you say she gave me a shot it wasn't good. What does that mean?

It was a shot of well something and she gave it to you and you said what the fuck is this? Yeah, yeah I'm not drinking this peasants piss exactly and I said why would you give Tony fucking henchcliffe a well fucking shot? She's gonna watch this. She's gonna be mad, but don't give Tony henchcliffe fucking with this motherfucker deserves top watch right guys Am I right?

You know what Sam you're my new butler congratulations. I just got a new Penthouse here in Austin that I need that I need a butler for I'm kidding Sam So what exactly are you doing for Amazon? I make books Wow Okay, what exactly do you do? Like so that you like so together you like from start to finish I make books I'm sorry capes to the block.

That's what they call it. They call it a block But that's all the pages that you some of you smart motherfuckers read. Yeah, did you see the did you see the kill Tony book while you're working? I am a broke motherfucker because I work for Amazon now.

We don't hear on points So that's why anybody yet, but hopefully he'll buy that bitch for me now after this just happened I can't believe this is happening. Sam. It's okay. Everything's good.

You're good. You're good You're handling it perfectly. You need a cure of mine for real. You're so fucking funny and I wish motherfucker way of talk some shit That's why I was glad for you gives and Brian Moses over here.