Hey, this is Redman, and if you are listening to Kill Tony, check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road.
We always have comedy shows also, so go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J.
Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does, and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com.
And last but not least, TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. This is Redman, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up, boys, Tony!
You guys ready to take this shit to a whole new fucking level tonight, or what? Oh, feels special in here. Make some noise for Brian Redman, everybody. Hey, everyone.
He's wearing a tie tonight, so you know some shit is about to go down. Now, welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs in the world. Happen to be here in Austin, Texas. How cool is that?
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It is delicious peanut butter whiskey. You can drink it straight up, mix it with things. Make peanut butter and jellies, they're called. Fun, fun things.
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And the W Hotel, where now, if you say the magic word Kill Tony on a Sunday or Monday night, you get 25% off your stay at the amazing W Hotel here in Austin, Texas. Here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all. Indeed, it is Tony Hinchcliffe here, telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand-up convi, lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me.
Tampa, Florida, July 15th and 16th. Houston, Texas, July 28th, 29th and the 30th. Dallas, Texas, the 12th and 13th of August. And August 26th and 27th, San Antonio, Texas.
Nashville, Tennessee, making my long awaited return September 29th, 30th and October 1st. That's tickets available at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And we'll see you out there. Well, hello there, my ever-so-responsible Kill Tony listeners.
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YoKratom.com, home of the $60 kilo. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Oh my goodness. Ladies and gentlemen, every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show.
This week, we are doing something even more special than that. Ladies and gentlemen, I've always wanted to have two human, wholesome people that we know and that we love on the show as guests and see how they react throughout an entire episode. You have come to a magical, magical episode as I introduce to you the Montgomerys. Francis and Larry Montgomery are here, live, in the flesh.
Real human beings. Wow, I'm starstruck. My man. All the way from Memphis, Tennessee, make some goddamn noise for Francis and Larry Montgomery.
These are indeed the parents of the great William Montgomery. The longest-standing regular in the history of the show. The man who has done the most one-minute sets in the history of the show. This is what he came from.
Welcome to the show. You guys are both... We apologize. They've both been on the show.
I called them up during some of William's sets back at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. So we're all friends. You guys are super fun. Francis, say hello to these people.
Tell them what's up. I'm glad to be here. Oh, shit. Yeah, this party's about to fucking go down.
These comedians are in for some wholesome feedback today. Yee-hoo! I love it. All right, all right.
Hold on, you have to say it into the microphone. I'm really glad to see Redman. Oh! Oh!
Redman. Whoa! Oh, God. I thought it was like a tissue or something.
I'm going to kill Mike another thing. She had one of these buzzer things on her head. I thought it was a snot rag. Oh, my God.
Famously. Real young did that to him before. Well, you've got to open your present that I gave you. The hearts.
I don't know if you saw that. Wait, you gave her a present? Yeah. Oh, no.
You want her to open it now? I think she should open it now. Wait for William, I guess. Maybe we should wait for William.
What do you think, Redman? I think we should wait for William. I don't know what's inside this. I didn't realize you were producing this for tonight's episode.
Look at the hearts and their balls. The last thing we need is some snakey shit flying up and giving our fucking guests a... Anyway, we're going to have fucking fun tonight. Larry Francis Montgomery here to help promote William Montgomery's cameo.
And also the William Montgomery show on YouTube. All right. You guys know how it works. We're about to start this shit.
A bunch of comedians signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on the stage. I see you looking. Look at that. It's real.
Real names inside of a bucket. If I pull their name out, that means that they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. And then I interview them and they talk to my esteemed panel. And we find out more about them.
After 60 seconds, you hear the sound of a kitten. Then they have to wrap it up or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood bear. To start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, this man absolutely destroying with new minutes all the time and traveling all around the world now doing stand-up comedy. Mix the noise with a brand new minute.
It's Hans Kim, everybody. Hey. My cousins are coming to town next month. I'm wondering if they could be a guest on Kill Tony, too.
I have a video I'd like to plug. It's good to be here. My name is Hans Kim. I'm really good at talking to women.
It's one of my strengths. What's up, bitch? It usually goes better than that. I think she's on a period or something.
But I am a millennial. You know, I'm a young little boy. I like how we call Gen Z Zoomers because that's as far as the future that we thought about is calling them Gen Z. We're like, we're doing what to the rainforest?
Holy shit. Okay, let's start counting at X and see how far we get. I was talking to this guy and he has a PTSD. Okay.
All right, I'm done. I mean, Hans, you could have finished that. You don't want to finish it? I kind of want to save it for next week.
Oh, okay. Save it for next week. Why do you want to save it so badly? I'm running out of material and just like to make it last as long as possible.
Don't we all? So you write a lot, right? I mean, what's your regimen for writing? I lay in my bed and I use a little Bluetooth keyboard on my belly.
You made this creepy, huh? It's kind of weird because it kind of stimulates my... Okie dokie. Do you really have cousins coming into town?
No, that was just a joke. That would have been really funny. Because I was going to book this guy so you stopped talking shit. I love it.
Are you really a millennial? When is that? I don't know any of this shit. I never took time to learn what's a Gen Z, what's a millennial, and what's a whatever.
Yeah, I'm a millennial. Gen Z is slightly younger, then older is Gen X, and then older than that is boomers. I think we got a little bit of everything on the stage here tonight. I think we all know who's who.
You know what I'm saying? What are you, Gen X? Gen X, Gen X. Son of a bitch.
Got him. Hans, you have an unopened leather front pocket on that shirt. I've never really seen anything like it. What exactly is going on there?
I bought it on Amazon. I didn't realize that it doesn't even have anything in it. Oh, wow. Fake pocket.
It's actually not a fake pocket. There's a string. You just break the string and it becomes a pocket. That's my favorite thing.
Red band. You're going to have this poor boy rip a hole in his goddamn shirt. It's true, though. Have you been buying a lot of things off Amazon lately, Hans?
Yes, thanks to you and Joe Rubin. He says it like I put a knife to his throat before the show. You better say how he... I love it.
Okay. What else have you been buying off Amazon? I bought... Do you have it on your phone?
Can we look at your password? Yeah, for sure. What the hell? Shut up.
Don't blow this. There you go. Okay. Don't scroll too far.
He's pictures of children with no clothes on. Yes, it has begun, my friend. That is Larry Montgomery. Yep.
We're doing this shit tonight. We're going to the deep waters. Okay, so a lot of audio equipment, I see. Ooh, you bought a pair of shoes.
New brown shoes. Oh, there they are. Oh, my... They match the pocket.
Did you think of that when you bought the shirt? No, I didn't even see the pocket there. Oh, my goodness. And you also got some new underwear.
Are you wearing those now? Like plaid, blue, striped? Yeah! Look at that.
This is so interesting. You basically get to see everything that's really going on in your life right now. I'm so glad I asked about this. Is that a new soundbar?
Yeah, $450. Whoa! Balling! Out of control!
Balling! What are these white stick-looking things? What are those little white... Oh, I think those are like plant planters.
Like you put water in them. I also noticed that you do indeed have a pot for watering plants. Yeah, I got a little plant. H-E-B plant, $5.
And you got a whole actual water just for that? Yeah. Jeez, you really are spending a lot of money. Did the girlfriend ask you to buy that?
I don't think I have one of those things. Yeah, but it's probably the girlfriend. Oh, you got a girl over your shoulder? I'm going to water plants.
I'm going to water plants while you make all the money. Feels like I'm doing something. I need to. It gives me a purpose.
Even dogs need a purpose. All right. So this Kufandi men's casual dress shirt. I found it.
It doesn't say its price. Do you remember how much it was? Yeah, $35. Wow.
Oh, my God. It is $34.97, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, you are so interestingly thrifty. How about this short sweep that was delivered on June 10th?
This new gray... That's for next week. Ooh, next week. And we get to hear the end of the PTSD.
Thank you very much. Oh, is that yours? Oh, you're disgusting. Six pregnancy pillows.
What's wrong with that? A desk lamp. And it says you've reached the end of your orders. Did you just get Amazon on June 10th?
No, I cycle through accounts, so I get one month of free Prime every year. Oh, my God. I'm telling you. Don't let that...
Don't let any stereotypes confuse you. This is... This is next level Jewish right here is what's going on. That is powerful.
Powerful for you to go amongst life hidden as an Asian. You are so interestingly thrifty. So how many Amazon accounts have you cycled through to save, what is it, like 12, 14 bucks a month? Right?
I have about 9 or 10. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm going to report you to Amazon.
Yeah, he's going to catch up to you, Hans. What do you think is going to happen? He's going to get banned from Amazon. Imagine that.
Oh, my God. Did you get a new belt? No. Oh, that was a long time ago.
Oh, it's an amplifier. What are you getting that for? I'm doing a podcast because Brian Redman will do it with me. Oh, wow.
What? You playing hard to get over here. I never said no. Well, you didn't say yes.
You never asked. Well, yeah, I mean, Brian, I love you. I would love it. Jesus.
Oh, now you're kissing my ass. Is this how it happens? All right. Hans, another new minute.
You did it again. You got the show started for us. Thank you so much. Thank you, Tony.
Hans Kim, everybody. All right. To the bucket we go. This is where shit can go off the rails.
Sometimes it's a crazy person. Sometimes it's literally the future. A local fucking artist who's been working for years, who's ready to pop. Sometimes it's a weary traveler that's come from afar here to Austin, the new comedy capital of the world.
Your first comedian out of the bucket tonight doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of Matt Wilding, everybody. we go. Matt Wilding. All right, here he is, everybody.
Matt Wilding. I was not expecting that. This is the first time I've ever done stand-up. What better place than a podcast that many people listen to?
Yeah. On my 21st birthday a couple years ago, I was in a riot. That was pretty crazy. Not really expecting it, just like tonight.
A lot of parallels. It was at a football game. I was really trying to get seats, but everyone wanted to go, and a lot of people weren't getting seats. We found a way up the concourse, and there was a crowd of us being held back by security guards.
At that point, we didn't really know what to do, kind of like me standing on the stage now, don't really know what to do. So we were just sitting there waiting for something to happen, and from above, a girl threw a bottle of Coke on one of the security guards. He took off after her, and the whole crowd ran up the stairs and got seats. So that was how that night went.
Thank you. Fuck yeah, Matt Wilding, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. Coming out fucking looking like I had a feeling you were about to shred up here.
I'm like, oh man, this guy looks, it feels like the next fucking Jim Carrey or something like that. He looks like your son. He started talking, and it was just absolutely incredible. Just nothing but a bag full of excuses you came up here with.
I've never been on a stage before. I've never done stand-up before. It's my first time out in public ever in my life. I was breastfed until I was 14.
That's true. Hans just bought me the shirt off Instagram. Amazon. Fuck.
Instagram. Stupid. He kind of looks like your son or your business advisor. One of the two.
I'm like, senior VP of a close, yeah? Whoa. Senior VP of what? Sucking?
Writer's Guild, everybody. Writer's Guild. So tell us about your life, Matt. I absolutely have to know everything about you.
You're such a sweet little boy up here, really. Yeah, I look young, but I'm actually 23. I was hoping he was going to say, I was hoping he was going to say so much older than that. I was expecting like a real twist.
He went right into it so confidently. Well, Tony, actually, I look young, but I'm 23. That's still so young. Well, I just graduated college.
I'm about to start out my life. What better time to start trying to stand-up? You're such an happy person. I can feel it coming from your spinal cord.
Both of your parents are still together. Am I correct? Could you tell? Absolutely.
I mean, it's incredible. That's what parents still together look like. Well, I'm just happy of the year. Divorce?
What does that mean? I don't even know what that means. I love family so much. Dude, it's true.
I mean, really, that's the most important thing. That's what I learned, because I hang out with my family. I actually moved out of home yesterday. I can tell.
I am a people person. I study the art. I mean, that is just a shirt alone. I would have guessed all this, but that is incredible.
Wow. So you grab your father's shirt on the way out of the door. I'm going to go in with my senior correspondent here, the great Larry Montgomery, and see what he thinks about this. Do you enjoy your senior vice president job?
You know, it has its perks. I'd probably hang with it a little longer. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Larry. Francis, what did you think about his act tonight? I'm going to throw you on the spot here. I think he's sweet.
Thanks. My mom thinks that, too. That is true. That is what a lot of comedians are looking for.
They are looking for it to be described as sweet. Nothing hilarious, nothing funny, but man, that guy was sweet as shit. You know what I mean? All right.
So let's talk about it. Matt, you're a senior VP for what? Did we find out? Dead and Pussy.
Wait, what? Oh, my God. Look at this. The women are dying of laughter right now.
I'll tell you, Tony, so many fingers have found one. Many fingers, Tony. I'm the finger king. Oh, I got to go.
All right. I can't believe you said it, but you said it, so I'm going to acknowledge it. What do you mean you're the senior vice president of Pussy? And by the way, who's the senior president of Pussy?
How much pussy is that guy getting? Barely a little bit? You hook up with a lot of girls? Is that what you're implying?
No, I'm in a committed relationship. Oh, yeah. Yes, indeed. How long have you been in that for?
Five years. Five years and you're 23. So that means the senior vice president of Pussy, by my calculations, I'm pretty sure, has been with one woman his entire life. I'm getting the feeling he didn't get out a lot before the age of 18.
I think we have found out that the SVP, if you will. The credentials don't match up, but I got the job, so. Oh, my goodness. I love it.
Five years with this girl. You seem like the kind of guy that would still be using a condom with her. Am I correct? Every fucking time.
Wow. I mean, I'm telling you, that's powerful. Five years? Every time this guy's just fucking, he has his own disposal bin.
He has one of those, like, Sharpies things that the nurses have. It's like a red box on his wall to put fucking used condoms in. Wow, look at you. What kind of condom do you use?
You go through so many of them. I'm sure you have an exact brand. It's like a cigarette, if you will. Everybody has their preferred one.
What is yours? Anything extra small. Don't play Elmo right now. That doesn't make any sense.
It's a talking thing. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Okay, so what made you want to do stand-up here?
You live here in Austin? I've lived here for the past couple years. I'm moving away soon. One of my buddies does stand-up, and he's like, hey, let's go to this thing, and I was like, all right, sounds cool.
Yeah, and so what? You signed up just because it was sold out? I signed up because it was free. Well, no, it's not free at all.
It's free if you sign up. Your friend didn't tell you that there was a chance that you might get pulled out of a bucket? I knew I might get pulled up. Honestly, I didn't know what I was going to say until like five minutes ago.
I don't think you knew then either. Maybe five minutes from now, but you just pretty much said what's going on. Not expecting this, the classic line, one of the most hated lines in the history of the show. It's my first time.
I didn't think I'd be doing it on a podcast, and then I just wrote down Young Dexter after that. I didn't really have a chance to get it in, but that's what's written down. My goodness, what do you do for fun? Tell us, what is a 23-year-old boy that is just fucking, looks like he's wearing a new outfit he got on Christmas from his grandmother?
Tell us what you do for fun. What's some like naughty stuff that you're into? Sneak, do you sneak out of your parents' house a lot? I did one time, yeah.
Oh my goodness, and that's all it took. I learned my lesson, Tony. Jesus was looking down, and he's like, you better get home, son. What happened the one time?
Tell us what you did. Did you go out your window? What was the move here? Just tell us the truth.
You don't have to punch it. So I went out the front door, and I... Wow, big mistake, my friend. I didn't actually get caught.
Tell me, I didn't really sneak out ever. I went out the front door, rang my own doorbell, because I felt bad, had my parents come down, even though the door was unlocked. I wanted them to know the bad decisions that I had made. I tried to push my car out of the driveway, but it was on a hill, and I couldn't do it, so I said fuck it, and just started the car in the driveway, and drove off.
All right, Ferris Bueller, Jesus Christ. Well, Tony, I set my keyboard up so that he made sounds with me snoring when I was gone. Pushed the car down the driveway, put so many miles on it, had to drive it in reverse back. Matt, you are a fucking little cheese ball, but I like you.
I like your style, dude. So where do you go from here? What part of Austin do you live in? Well, Tony, I'm a square, but I live in Round Rock.
You know what I mean? I'm just kidding. What part of town are you in? West Campus.
Whoa, what does that mean? West Campus, like on campus? Like west of the university. Oh, that's right.
You just got out of fucking the house. So you're living by yourself? I have two roommates. Okay, what's that like?
Do they do anything that annoys you? We don't have enough time for that. Perfect. I was giving you a real opportunity there, but I guess we don't have time for that.
Matt, you did it. I mean, you came up, and you were yourself, which is literally one of the most important things. You're not funny at all, but you were you. You got what you deserve for signing up for a show.
Go enjoy Standing in the Corner with the other comedians. That's your first ever Kill Tony joke book. There goes Matt Wilding, everybody. Matt Wilding, underscore Matt RW.
At least he told like a story. You know, there was a beginning, middle, and end at least. Thank God there was an end. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Vulcan Gas Company?
Everybody's running around, working. Amazing bar staff. Devin, Alexis, Jack, everybody's here. Make some noise for your next comedian.
His name is Charlie Spies, everyone. Charlie Spies. Here he comes. He's on a direct path, right to the stage.
The Kill Tony debut, I do believe. Charlie Spies, everybody. Hey, everyone. I got a friend.
He does this gesture when he talks to you. It makes me laugh when I see him do it, because I've never seen a woman do it. I've never in my life seen a woman be like, Janet, didn't deserve that promotion. Are you kidding me?
That bitch doesn't even show up on time. It's a stupid gesture. But if you do it, that's fine. If you do it, I have a little tip.
Just widen your grip. Maybe lengthen your stroke a little, you know? Because you'll express your displeasure, but you'll leave for wondering, you know? That's all I have.
Charlie Spies, everybody. Welcome. Charlie, how long have you been doing stand-up? Off and on for 10 years.
10 years? Holy fucking shit, man. Off and on for 10 years. What else have you been doing?
You seem like the kind of guy that's a real professional. No, no. I doordash. Really?
Larry, what do you think about this guy? I doordash. He's been doing comedy off and on for 10 years, and he has one joke about jacking off. Sir, sir, sir, sir.
You write what you know. You write what you know. Francis, you thought the last boy was sweet. I'm interested to hear what you say about this guy.
This is the guy that molested the boy that was on right before. What does he sort of look like? Can y'all tell? Yeah, it's a...
What's his name? The guy from Whose Line Is It Anyway? Can no one see it but me? Elvis Costello.
Thomas really looks like Dustin Hoffman a little bit. Dustin Hoffman, absolutely. Oh, yeah. I could see that, yeah.
Do you do a Dustin Hoffman impression, perhaps? No. No? You should.
No. You should do that forever. You should just say you're Dustin Hoffman. You should sign up as Dustin Hoffman.
Come on, definitely. And pretend like you're talented. Charlie, this is incredible. So what have you been doing?
How are you just doordashing? What's the thing? What am I missing here? How are you a doordasher?
You look like you would be your own accountant. No, I mean, yeah, I fell into it in the pandemic. I lost. I got laid off.
Where'd you get laid off of? From a company that makes sportswear. And since all the week shut down, they just stopped making sportswear. You went to college?
No. I mean, I did, but I didn't graduate. What's your ethnicity? White-ish.
White-ish? Does that have white have Jewish? I'm some things, but I don't know where my mom's family is. You don't know where your mom's family is.
Right, right, right. Well, there is a couple parents that we know that are looking for someone to move back into their house. I don't know if you know this, but Matt Wilding just left a... Have you ever slept in a race car bed before?
So, Charlie, let's talk about it. What have you been doing for, like, fun? It seems like, you know, it seems like... Well, I have an 11-year-old daughter.
Okay. So, I... She's fun. She's hilarious.
She's fun. She's interesting to talk to. I love it. Very cool.
You a single dad? No, no. She's married. Oh, okay.
You're still together. Yeah. Oh, all right. Very cool.
What does she do? What does she do? She's a hairdresser. Okay.
All right. What do you guys do for fun? How do you keep things hot in the bedroom? I like you, Charlie.
I'm not 45. I don't care anymore. I don't... Wow.
I don't... Oh, my goodness. Have you heard of one of our great sponsors, Blue Chew? Use the promo code KillTony at Blue Chew.
We go to movies. We, you know, go out. We talk a lot. We have a great conversation.
Jesus Christ. Now that we're here in Austin, I swear to God, when Rogan's Club opens up, we're going to be doing this show there for sure. And when guys like this come on stage, I'm going to have somebody come up and inject them with testosterone. So, it's going to be a new feature of the show.
We have friends here in Austin that literally just... We could fucking get your blood pumping again. You'll end up being hilarious and shit. We have no idea.
Well, I'll tell you, everybody. I'm Charlie. All right. We're not really getting anything from you.
Any crazy fun fact about your life? I lost 100 pounds. Oh, now this is starting to make sense. Not easy for a Postmates driver to do, by the way.
That's very tempting. It's not. Right. How did you do it?
What's your secret? Oh, I just stopped drinking. Oh. Sorry.
Sorry. I know I'm in a booze, but yeah, I stopped drinking and stopped eating shit. Okay. Right, right.
Well, you ate shit on stage tonight, my friend. You set me up for that one. Ten years of the game, you know how to blow up a beach ball, don't you? I love it.
Very, very interesting. Okay. So, Charlie, let me ask you this. What are you afraid of?
Like everything. Really? Yeah. I was afraid of COVID.
I mean, that's another reason why I lost the weight is because it's just killed fat people. Right. Yeah. Diseases do that.
Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy that people just learned this during COVID. I'm afraid of people, honestly.
I'm afraid of people and talking to people and socializing. Right. I'm 45. I would have been diagnosed with something if they took those tests back then.