61. Sex and Desire with Rebecca Howard Eudy

In this special episode, I'm joined by my dear friend Rebecca Howard Eudy, a couples and sex therapist, for an honest conversation about one of the topics parents struggle with most: sex and desire in long-term relationships. We recorded our usual walking conversation to talk about the questions that came up in our community - from "what's normal?" to navigating different levels of desire, and why connection outside the bedroom matters just as much as what happens inside it.Key PointsWhat's "Normal" Anyway?Why comparing your sex life to others is both tempting and unhelpfulThe truth: frequency matters less than how both partners feel about itThe single biggest issue that brings couples to sex therapy: difference in desireUnderstanding spontaneous desire vs. responsive desireWhy cultural stereotypes about sex drive create additional painThe High Desire/Low Desire DynamicHow testosterone influences spontaneous desire (typically higher in men)Why responsive desire means needing to feel aroused before feeling desireThe reality that desire levels can flip and change cyclicallyWhat happens when both partners have low desireHow resentment builds when there's a mismatch in initiationThe Mental Load of SexMoving beyond "what's wrong with me?" and "did I marry the wrong person?"Why obligation sex is deeply unsatisfying for both partnersHow sex becomes a "hot button issue" that couples can't even discussUnderstanding that frequency doesn't tell the whole storyThe panic spiral: counting days and feeling the pressure buildCommunication Is ForeplayWhy the low desire partner often avoids initiating any physical contactThe problem with waiting for your partner to initiate what you wantHow to be clear about desires: "I want to cuddle tonight, just cuddle"Why attunement to your partner's needs builds connectionThe importance of both partners being allowed to ask for what they wantOutside the Bedroom MattersHow emotional presence and connection throughout the day impacts desireWhy acts of service can be genuine foreplayThe need for effort and attunement, not just one-off gesturesUnderstanding that it's not the high desire partner's job alone to create the right environmentHow being on the same team translates to better intimacyCyclical Desire and Power StrugglesRecognizing how menstrual cycles affect desire levelsWhat happens when desire suddenly flips: "Now you want it?"How resentment can create complicated dynamics around initiationThe importance of flexibility and meeting each other where you areThe Sensate Focus ApproachTaking typical intercourse off the table to unlock authentic desireWhy prohibition often leads to "cheating" (which means it's working!)How the lower desire partner experiences relief when pressure is removedDiscovering what you actually want when the formula is disruptedThe connection between expressing needs outside vs. inside the bedroomOwning Your Own DesireThe challenge many women face in knowing what they wantUnderstanding you're not just a vessel for your partner's desireGetting clear on what actually turns you on or creates connectionWhy knowing what you don't want is actually valuable informationThe work of stepping into ownership rather than just being responsiveThe Vulnerability FactorWhy shame is one of the biggest blocks to healthy sexualityHow sex unlocks vulnerability for both partnersThe importance of showing up authentically, even when it's hardWhat happens when one partner shows up beautifully but the other can't meet them thereBuilding tolerance for the cycle of connection and disconnectionQuotes"What actually matters is how everybody in the relationship feels about the frequency.""The worst thing that we want is the thing that would be really scary is that our partners wouldn't want to be with us anymore.""You are avoiding initiating what you want because it doesn't feel like you're going to be able to get what you want.""The low desire partner never gets to ask for what they want.""When we say what we want and someone hears us and respects that, it fills a connection piece.""Skills don't always translate. I can do it for couples because you can see so clearly what's happening with somebody else. But when it comes to your own relationship... I don't particularly enjoy being vulnerable.""Beginning from a place of curiosity... take the best possible interpretation.""The more defensive you are, the less you have your own back."Resources MentionedParents in Love by Rebecca Howard Eudy - Available for pre-order, releases October 2025: https://a.co/d/2FBxhC2 Rebecca's website: http://rebeccaeudy.com/Rebecca’s Instagram, @rebeccahowardeudy: https://www.instagram.com/rebeccahowardeudy/ Rebecca’s Substack, @parentsinlove: https://substack.com/@parentsinlove The importance of couples therapy (both Sarah and Rebecca are advocates!)What's Coming NextStart by getting curious about your own desire - not just sexual desire, but what you actually want in moments of physical connection. Are you avoiding initiating because you're afraid you won't get what you want? Have an honest conversation with your partner about what connection means to you, both in and out of the bedroom. Remember: there's nothing wrong with you, and you're not alone in navigating these challenges. Every couple faces misattunements and misunderstandings - the key is approaching them with curiosity rather than defensiveness.Thank you for tuning in to this episode of "Mothering Ourselves Mindfully." We look forward to sharing more insights and inspiration in the upcoming episodes!www.theschoolofmom.comInstagram @the.schoolofmomBook a breakthrough Call