#620 - RICH VOS - ADAM RAY

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I have a brand new comedy club It's next door to the mothership. It's called the Sunset Strip comedy club You can check out my secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip or go to Sunset Strip ATX.com for more information And now here's a brand-new episode of Kill Tony I'm you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony get up for Tony Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh? Hey look it's Red Man everybody. Hi Ten years and a month of working with this man.

We've never miss a beat. It seems indeed. How about a hand for the fucking band, huh? God damn it.

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I forgot to tell you we get IV drips now any time we want. Oh shit How cool is that? That's a great little artist Chris Rogers drawing over there How about a hand for the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums Paul Deemer on the horns Matt Muelling on the electric guitar John D's on the keys and the great de-madness right down the barrel here We were watching from the screen up in the green room and somebody mentioned something that I thought was hilarious If you don't know the show, you can't tell which one of these two musicians behind us is blind De-madness and John D's having a blind off tonight. It could be either one of them Maybe you'll figure it out as the episode goes on We have a very fun show plan for you before we start here's a little bit from the amazing sponsors It made tonight's episode available for you here right now Hey all it's official.

It's announced. It's out there my largest stand-up tour of my entire life All the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities Toronto, Canada Royal Oak, Michigan, San Antonio, Texas, Chicago, Illinois, Charlotte, North Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, Columbus, Ohio, Kansas, City, Missouri Indianapolis, Indiana, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Tysons, Virginia, just outside of T.C. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota Youngstown, Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, San Francisco, California, Sacramento, California, San Diego, California, Phoenix, Arizona, New York, New York, Clearwater, Florida, Jacksonville, Florida tickets available at TonyHinchclip.com Come see the crazy Texas fuck and stand up that I've been working on. You're not gonna believe it.

Let's have some fun The Sunset Strip Comedy Club, formed by Brian Redvan as in downtown Austin, Texas Check out the secret show every Thursday. All shows can be found at SunsetStrict, ATX.com Hey, y'all, you know, we just sold out at least five months in a row of Keltony in less than a minute. A lot of people are always stressed out trying to buy tickets for things It could be maybe your favorite musical event, maybe your favorite opera singer, maybe your favorite sporting event, playoff games It could be anything buying tickets to your favorite events should not be stressful Game time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all the sports music comedy and theater near you With killer deals on last-minute tickets and their best price guarantee, you can stop stressing over the tickets and start getting hyped for the fun you'll have I know I'm excited because Nickelback is coming to the Moody Center on September 23rd and Tears for Fears is at the Moody Center. Wow, last call for tickets.

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It's great, the best thing about HelloFresh is when you go to the grocery store, you always over-buy too much stuff, you're throwing away groceries Or if you spend so much extra money on delivery, this gives you all the ingredients you need to make the perfect meals And I love it, I use HelloFresh now all the time, and I love their different recipes It's about 25% cheaper than takeout, you can't go wrong with HelloFresh No doubt about it, go to HelloFresh.com.com and use the code Tony50 for 50% off plus free shipping Again, that's HelloFresh.com slash Tony50 and use the code Tony50 for 50% off plus free shipping HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit Alright, you guys ready to start the show? You guys can do better than that, you ready to start tonight's fucking show? How many of you guys been listening to the show a long time, huh? How many of you consider yourself true fans of stand-up comedy?

Well then you're in for a special treat, two guests tonight, two of the best, this is I know when I book this show perfectly This is one of those nights, makes a noise for two of the greatest guests in the show's history, two of my favorite comedians on planet Earth Rich Boss and Adam Ray Rich Boss, Adam Ray, all right Adam Sit-up Rich Boss, Adam Ray, I love it This is a perfect booking, Adam, Silly, Goofy, Super President, Rich Boss, New York, Serious, Joke, Joke, I fucking love this combo This is a sweet little Kill Tony cocktail we have made here tonight, Adam, how you feeling? Fired up, happy to be back in Austin, you guys fired up to be here Happy Birthday America! Adam, one of the funny upper guests of the year, 2023, nominated 2022, 2021 and 2020 And I came up together at the Comedy Store every time we get together, it's always a fucking silly fucking mess The Great Rich Boss is here, fresh off a birthday this fucking weekend And I do believe a fucking six sold out shows here at the Mothership, absolutely crushing, Golf in 87 today A 92 with me on Friday, this guy's fucking crushing Amazing week, you can't ask for anything better I'm telling you, this fucking town is the best town in this area I'm gonna go one step further, it's the best town in the fucking world! This is my fucking mother I fucking love it, we're gonna have so much fun here tonight You guys have both been guests on the show multiple times, you know how it works, over 200 souls have signed up here tonight Look at this fucking diabolical mess, it is insanity, we're gonna get through it together I mean, not all of these names, but we're gonna meet a few of these fucking crazy people They get 60 seconds, you know your time is up and you're the sound of a kitten?

They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry western Hollywood bear? But you guys know all about this, when that noise happens, or they stop their set I interview them, we find out more about them, we find out what makes them interesting Every episode has a different DNA, completely different guests, different bucket pools and a few familiar faces that we call the regulars But before we get to our first comedian of the night, I'm going to pre-pool a name so that we can grab them from the bar two doors down and uh, let's fucking do it, you guys ready to start the show? Well, there's only one way to start a show like this, this guy has been defending his throne for weeks We're giving him the night off of defending, unless we don't like his set in which case next week he will be fighting for his life We have applied extra pressure to him so that he takes every one of these sets super super seriously He started on the show two years plus ago, we found him sleeping in his van eight years into the open mike game and we changed his fucking life, he now sells out every goddamn weekend hitting bonuses in every city making bassums with money, he wears a Rolex watch, he is with a girl out of his league Ladies and gentlemen, sing it if you know the words, you guys know the words? Start it now!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hot Skip! What's up? What's up Texas? I was recently looking up the best bullets to kill humans with but then I realized you can't just google that, so I just googled best bullets for self-defense and I realized you can google anything as long as you put self-defense at the end of it how to commit a mass shooting for self-defense when all those Jews come running at you the Jew be gone, how to rape for self-defense and get away lady, might not have to rape you you know what they say at airports, if you see something suspicious, say something suspicious I saw an unintended package, I was like did you know that the age of consent in Japan is 13 years old?

Thank you! Hans Kim, getting through it, punch, punch, punch, punch Thank you Tony, how did that one feel for you? It felt amazing, please don't make me do that again The challenge, you know? I'm tired of defeating retards in public Oh my goodness, wow They're calling me the retard killer out in the streets Wow, look at that, but only in self-defense Interesting, you guys think he did good enough to not be challenged next week?

Thank you You guys have seen Hans Kim before, what do you think about Hans? Yeah, Hans, how many rape jokes do you think you write a week? Fewer than I do actual rapes Jesus, welcome back there, we'll probably edit this out How can you rape when you can't see him? Good question, Hans, you gotta get real close Man, that's tight, that's tight, it's the belly button, Hans That was amazing Thank you, Rich, really, always on I love it, Hans, at one point you said you be gone What made you say that?

Like an old 90's commercial, like a spray That's how it felt Wouldn't it be nice if we had one of those? I mean, I don't know, I mean, for any race, not just I mean, it's huge be gone, who's gonna order food from your family? Another good point, Hans, that is true Jews love Asian food Yeah, they love cheapness and... Okay, Jesus Oh my god, sound effective of the year so far Yes, can we please do that after every...

Can you give us some more stereotypes of other races? What about the blacks, Hans? Give us a stereotype of the blacks The blacks are very athletic and fast, but they can be a little stealy Oh my god, this is like racist comics unleashed, we're just setting them up Yo, Hans, I heard you hanging out with me and you'll be a guy recently I wouldn't have any utensils for me Hans, if it wasn't for Jews, nobody would've cured the disease you brought here Rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich So Hans, let's go through one more race together Let's pick a specific one, what do you guys think? What would be a good race for this?

Okay, German, I heard German going once Let's put Germans on this one Germans, great people, they can be a little... Should be gone They're the best No one's gonna ever keep them down Alright Okay Hans, you did it again, fun set, way to get the show started I love it We're gonna keep you away from having to defend your spot yet again But at any given fucking week, we're gonna apply the pressure again I love that you fucking stepped it up, your sets, your interviews, your mind, have you been off the drugs? Yes, really? A little bit, yes Hold on, hold on, wait, wait, stop the music You've been off the drugs, a little bit, yes So what does that mean, what are you doing?

I've been sticking with weed a lot Oh, that's not... we have no problem with weed here How many little key bumps have you done in the past week? I did a little nasal cocaine with water, watery cocaine, I did that And then I've also done a couple Rich, have you heard of this watery cocaine? You said fucking be a man in smoke crack, homo And I did some watery cocaine, kept the fuck up I love it, Hans, you did it again, we love you And have anything else for Hans?

No, I mean, you know, the first Jew joke, you know, was a lot But then you doubled down and did like four more, so I got respect for you Why don't you do one more Jew joke, and it's sad Actually call my rabbi real quick Jews are really great at following the rules, but they're not really good at like Outside the rules, that's where the blacks have the advantage There he goes, Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen That was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim That was Hans Kim, that was... Your first bug and pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen, truly anything can happen here I mean, it's crazy, I don't think we've ever met this person before This could be a local legend that we've never heard of It's been trying to sign up for months, could be somebody who got here in town today Could be somebody that's been doing it 20 years, could be somebody's first time You guys get it? 60 seconds uninterrupted To Chandler Valencia, ladies and gentlemen Here we go, Chandler Valencia, 60 seconds of standup comedy And then an interview, here he is How we doing? Yeah, I'm doing great, dude, honestly Like I'm in Austin, because I'm in town for an audition I had this morning Yeah, found out a few minutes ago I had the role Yeah, yeah, I would find the role of a cuck-holed husband in the other room I'm not really sure what a cuck is, but I can't wait to hold it, you know what I'm saying?

Like the craziest part is, I just showed up, like I didn't realize audition, you know? They're like, you're perfect, kid, I was like, sick Um, I'm taking a white girl right now And I think she's heard the stereotype that white people under season are food too much Because now she oversees it, you know? I'm doing the damn cinnamon challenge with everybody I actually have a superpower, why people don't know this about me? Uh, yeah, I can accurately guess any man's dick size Just by the taste of their balls, yeah Yeah, yeah, food for thought for you Uh, that's it Exactly a minute, Chandler Valencia Fun times, Chandler, welcome, welcome, welcome How long have you been doing standup?

Uh, since September Since September, okay, it's almost a year Alright, what do you do for work? Uh, I work at a school, I do IT You work at a school? Wow, you look like you wouldn't be allowed near one This is incredible, amazing Your forehead is almost nonexistent completely Not with the hair, no, that's too hard Okay, yeah, when you do that it lasts for a second And then during your set, I noticed it was blocking your eyes In a very Hans Kim style of, uh, black a vision Hell, do you know the lights are bright, you know? Okay, so you kind of use it as a hat Sort of, not on purpose Right, yeah, okay So Chandler, what type of school are we talking about, kids?

High school, yeah Alright, so what's that like? What's it like working around high schoolers nowadays In 2023, how's it different than when you went to high school? Uh, there's way more technology, like If a computer's not working, none of the kids can do anything And it's, uh, super weird, also went to the high school So all the kids at the school always like to find out your book photo Uh, and make fun of me for it Right, what sort of names do they call you? What are some of the funniest names they've called in the last 48 hours?

For, uh... I'm sure they hit you up on like DMs and something like that No, they don't, they don't, they don't They ever say that you kind of look like a giant shitsu puppy? No My nickname was a Prince for like four months when I first started Prince? Yeah, why?

Uh, Valencia is like, my last name Uh, a descendant of the Queen Victoria or something of Spain? Oh, do they, uh, say you have the charisma of a tumor? Ha ha ha ha ha, I wish, I wish Look how tight your pants are I can see it, your nuts and a nickel Good, good I want my package to be up front, you know what I mean? I want ladies to know what they're working with, you know what I'm saying?

Do the ladies know what they're working with? As them, you know? What's your love life like? I would love to know what a guy that looks like you is doing in the game of Puss I have a, I have a wonderful girlfriend, I've been dating her since December Okay, what does she do?

She works at a hotel? What does she do at the hotel? Uh, she's in the manager training program, so we're not interested in that stuff Okay, um, and where did you meet this girl at? Tender Tender, what did you do for your first date?

Where'd you meet? What happened? What went on? Breakfast on a Sunday Breakfast on a Sunday, do you remember where you had breakfast at?

No You guys had mushrooms didn't you for breakfast? I wish, did I wish You do a lot of drugs? I don't, I don't, we're not allowed to because of the school I don't believe you Yeah Do you have, do you have like a van, a couch and a cast? No Thank you to one person So, you meet her for breakfast, then what happens?

Uh, we walked around the square up in Dallas and uh, scheduled second date, you know? Okay, what happened the second date? I don't got much riz, if you're asking if I fucked on the first date, I ain't got that, you know what I mean? Okay, now I'm asking about the second date Second date?

Hey man, do you fuck on the second date? No, I think it was the fourth date I wish you were walking on the grassy knoll You have any special skills or talents, Chandler? Uh, no, not really, no, I'm not Nothing at all, you've never won like a trophy or a competition your entire life or anything I told you last time I was on a professional video game player before Yeah, I did win a few tournaments back then, but Then what game? Uh, H1Z1?

Would you call me? Yeah, H1Z1, I do believe... It's big in China, so... Right, yeah, it sounds like one of the things that's made in China H1Z1, the flu, if you know what I'm saying What anti-semitic joke do you have?

That is true, let's load up the anti-semitism music, aka Seinfeld theme Do you have any anti-semitism jokes you could do? I don't think so Let me ask you this, what do you think about the Jews? Rich boss is Jewish by the way I mean, if we had to, I'm just kidding No, you do have to, you do have to And yes, maybe you're kidding I don't know, I used to date as Jewish girls, so I like Jewish people She was very aggressive sexually How so? Like, we would get into my apartment and then she would be like, Alright, we're having sex, even though my roommates are on the...

Like verbally say that, even my roommates are on the front I think she was talking to him You might have intercepted that Yeah, maybe, maybe But if you could name one stereotype, perhaps of any race Um... Why are you looking at that? He's looking around on that Why would you do that? Really locked in on D madness there D, the guy was looking at you D's the blind one, by the way, I gave it away, but those would be the...

I didn't work shopping this joke I didn't work shopping this joke, this goes like a... You know, white people tend to follow black people trends And black people don't tip, so I'm just not tipping because I want to be the leader, you know? Chandler, congratulations He did have one, like, almost, it felt like it could be your catchphrase You said at the end, right before you got the meow You said, so that's some food for thought Yeah, yeah I feel like that could be your kind of way to kind of, you know, Get out of, you know, either bombing a joke or having something be too offensive So you might do one more pretty offensive joke and then just go I like this idea By the way, do you brag to the kids about making your own soup? No But you do make your own soup, don't you?

What? You do make your own soup sometimes I don't know how to cook, you're like, I cannot cook with shit, I'm honest This sounds racist, keep going It's not racist, bro Here it comes, come on Do the joke and then the food for thought, I think, if you don't mind Yeah, here we go You have one more, perhaps a race I don't really got another racist joke, I don't think Okay, you're cooking a joke Okay, okay, okay What do you think it tastes like? Cuz-cuz Alright, wow Food for thought, you know I guess- Ehhh There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Chandler, did you get a little joke last time you run? I got a big one Okay, well there you go Good job, Chandler Valencia, everybody, there he goes Alright, onward, we go The show has started Your next comedian out of the bucket, we're gonna meet him all together Make some noise for Mason, James, everyone, here we go Mason, James Come on, one more time for Mason, everybody All right, I'm not racist Despite my face Live in Houston, most diversity United States Very good, there we go, a lot of Mexicans, you got a lot of Mexicans here, right?

There we go, that's good, you can always hear them, that's good Love Mexicans, love you guys, seriously Probably my favorite race besides white, for sure Love y'all, I love the food, I love the culture, I love the tequila But can we fix desserts? What's going on, you finish a great meal, it's okay, we check a silky white cake or hop in aeropopsicle I don't wanna build a wall, I'd like some new recipes, okay People ask me, what's your immigration policy? I'm like, it looks a lot like the show, Top Chef Wow, great set, Mason, James Absolutely, from the get, had me laughing at the way that the band went a little long And you noticed, you played off it, had me laughing before you even set a word With just a okey, and it was good, Michael did a couple beats long, typical Mexicans They don't know how to end their drums or their meals, oh yeah Call back to his dessert joke, everybody, I don't know You guys forgot that, it was 45 seconds ago Very funny, Mason, you've been doing stand-up for a little bit of time, huh? Yeah, a little over two years now, very, very, very rock-solid, Mason, all of it in Houston Is that where you're from, born and raised?

Columbus, it's halfway between Houston and all Columbus, Texas, that's halfway between here and Houston? Yeah, right, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, you're from there Wait a second, checking with them, guy from Brisbane, Australia, you've been driving a delivery truck? You should know whether you're talking about it with women Alright, so let's talk about it, Mason, what do you do for work? I work in the food service industry, so we do food service for old folks homes and camps So, oh wow, a lot of people love old folks homes and camps, okay A couple girls just start playing with themselves over the direction That was a very exciting while, just asking the ladies go nuts for Oh, camps?

I don't even know, you're, what, what, am I in trouble? No, we did open mics in Houston Yeah, and I went, did I stop in? Oh, you gave me a rhyme? Yeah, we were joking No, no, no, no, no, he was What should we get out of here, side bell beam?

No, no, matter fact, I did a club and then we did the open mic After that place, he was fucking funny Although you do look like a baby bird with cancer, but He was fucking funny when we did the open mic Yeah, I can't believe, I didn't remember you, baby, because I'm a big fucking act That's amazing That was really sweet, your face lit up, that was really... It was, I can't believe how long it took you to notice that one of the people here, you knew I'm pretty, I was pretty nervous at the moment I tried to eat a beta block on the way here, they do not taste good at all So I had to spit it out, and the guys were being mean to me back there So I was this whole thing, there was a whole thing Well, how are they being mean to you? Because I was like, I need some water, I gotta take this, it tastes so bad And then they were like, get on the freaking axe, I'm like, they're still talking, they were just like, alright, alright, I'll get up there How old are you? You could be 45 or 12, I'm not exactly sure You have a very interesting look, you have a baby face and an adult body And this fucking guy's going to light a fuse or something like that The fucking Mexican's are going outside the way for you I love it, this guy stands straight fucking up, he's gonna be on the show Meanwhile, a Mexican ducking that's three foot seven walking by And that was absolutely incredible Try to duck next time you Saudi Arabian I know, I mean Saudi Arabian He is, sometimes he wears a cowboy hat and I call him a, I call him a I fucking forget, Keith Turban, that's right, thank you Yoni, Yoni with the assist Keith Turban, because he's okay Do you get a lot of material from the old folks on?

No, not really Not exactly you do there, do you walk, so we do all the food, we do like the staff at, we do all the menu planning So a bunch of bad chefs, right, because I mean it's old people, you don't have to Yeah, they're not, they don't like food and they don't like politics right now What kind of camps are we talking about? Concentration camps perhaps? No, a lot of Christian camps, a lot of Christian camps, any Christian, all right Oh, you do, you do tallies of who's any Mexicans, any Christians, anyway You know what, you know what's weird, we just put my dad in a restaurant Well, not actually, we didn't have the money, so we drove down the turnpike and put him in a rest area You put your dad in a home and your great grandparents were put in a camp, so he covers both of those He's Jewish, it's Jewish, I don't mind you, he's Jewish, he's laughing at my Jewish jokes, so you can't cancel me I can't have a Roseanne Bar happen where someone takes something out of context and my career gets better again No, you're not Roseanne Bar, I fuck you You'd be surprised, bro, you'd be surprised, she's a fucking hottie potati, she's a fucking Texas mountain cougar right now I'm serious, when's the last time you saw her in person? She has gotten hotter over the years, duck down you fucking loser, Jesus Christ, you wanna sit in the front row, have some fucking decorum Kinda like a fucking ogre, what are you, fucking are you protecting Queen Cersei right now?

Jesus, fucking Christ, ever since you started dressing like Tony Soprano, you really stopped giving a fuck Jesus, fuck What Tony means is thanks for coming out Yeah, thanks a lot, don't know how we deal with it He's raising his hand like a very good white man It's a very racial episode, we might have to drop this one on Twitter Okay, you're raising your hand, go ahead, I'm very excited No, I was just gonna say maybe we could bring it, start talking about me again Yeah, absolutely, absolutely Wow, somebody's bait a blocker just kicked in Googoo googoo I'm over here Wow, I like your style, Mason, you're a fucking funny guy Only been doing it two years, you're very present, you're very funny, you're in the moment What else should we know about you before we let you go? Okay, so you asked my age, it's not great, I'm 26 years old, no fucking way Fuck, the place is in a ruckus right now For those of you just watching the show, who would have said anything less than 42? You got that to Gisha, it makes you grow old fast We know what it is you dumb bitch Jesus Christ Hey do you mean Bratton, shut the fuck up I bet she stands straight up too What Tony means to say is that's a great answer and a great movie, thanks for coming out We also would have accepted Jack with Robin Williams So, thank you, thanks for coming out You're 20, what? I couldn't even believe when you said the word 20, I'm like no fucking way What have you seen where your parents brutally murdered in front of you?

How do you, why do you look like that? Were you in the military? No, you didn't fight in a war in the desert? It's been a...

You actually know what people refuse applesauce too many times Yeah, is that it? Is that from hanging out at nursing homes too long? I don't know By the way, you could just give those people hello fresh.com, use the code killed Tony 50 to say 50% Here we go, they are great No, I don't know why it happened to me Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack Well, the fact that you have no pigment, do you come from a long line of scallops? God, you do look like a scallop I mean, I've been trying to think of what the fuck it looks like, it is unbelievable If scallops fuck mashed potatoes It is incredible That's food for thought, Rich Oh my god What he's saying is that he's really happy you came out tonight No, I heard this thing This is incredible, I want to get to the bottom of this Why do you look like this?

I don't know, I think I just kind of mature You look this image as rich as fuck, can you guess how old Rich is? I celebrated his birthday with him this week, anyone want to take a guess about Rich? It's fucking unbelievable 54, it's a good guess Well, many of the Jet Rodriguez at 64 You want to tell these people how old you are? Well, now I really have no chance of getting pussy tonight Go ahead, I don't care 66 Wow, you're crushing it Brushing it, dude, crushing it 66 And he looks the same age as you He's got 40 years on you Am I doing the math right?

No, no Not even close You're 26? Yeah What's about 40? Yeah, you said 14 No, I didn't, I said 40 Okay If it sounded like 14, I said 40, I'm sorry I definitely said 40 He said 40 He only just confirmed it, he never talks, I said 40 He would not defend me if I was wrong, it's 40 Uh, you seem like an easy-going guy, are you stressed? Yo, I'm very stressed Relationship stuff, no?

No, I'm married to a lady, so that's fun Does she treat you well? She's the best, she's off-street, so that I'm gonna be a dad, I'm having a date Oh Wow Wow, he's gonna get birthday with 35-year-old boy Dude, I like your style, Mason I mean, you are very, very, he lives in Houston But, uh, I mean, you wanna tell him that If you want to, next week, I'll do the secret show That's on such strip, you can if you want to There you go, here's the big joke book Mason James, everybody, the kill Tony debut of Mason James Yeah, we're in it tonight, people, that's a fucking good little bucket pool Yeah I'm gonna pre-pull another name But, right now is one of those moments that We've been looking forward to for quite a while Because we have a new regular on the show, ladies and gentlemen I don't know how many of you have been keeping up You guys up to date on your episodes? We have a new regular on the show that we find to be fucking Absolutely one of the most promising little monsters that we've ever discovered here This is a brand new minute from your new regular Makes some goddamn noise for the one and only Cam Patterson, everybody I used to want to be a thug Before I became a comedian, I funny bitch I could've been a good thug, white lady I could've been a great thug I knew I could be a thug, I wanted to have to call some real thugs And the car got shot up And that's when I realized that I was a bitch Because I wasn't the only one crying And they were like, they were mad like, why are you crying? And they shooting at us?

What do you mean? The word thing about us is that people shoot at you, they spin back Do you know that? They always come back when they shoot at you So they shoot at me and they come back and I take my shirt off And I'm like, we surrender, we quit Leave us alone All my home brothers are like, aye nigga, we need to retaliate And I was like, that's the wrong word, me, Cam Patterson I would like to retire Boom Boom Wow Oh my goodness Unstoppable force, Cam Patterson, Cam with a K My goodness, welcome back, you did it again My man, absolutely killing This is your first time seeing Cam Patterson, right gentlemen? You're so like, well, and so my daughter, oldest daughter married This black dude, so I hurt through the family But he's more light-skinned But you Yeah Yeah He was one that was shooting at you No, he wasn't, I would kill him I'd kill that guy, that guy would be a murder Adam Ray, this is the new on- What's up, white man?

What's up man? What's up, what's up, what's up with you, white man? White man, I like that shit, yeah, yeah I like you, you're a good dude Thanks brother You'll mind me like my stepfather when I get a girlfriend There you go, there you go Thank you I like you, you're a wholesome guy I appreciate it, man You look like your first word, Fugu Gaga I didn't like that, I didn't like that at all I want to go, right? You're hilarious, you're very, you're very, you're very like How long have you been doing it, two years, yeah, what'd you start?

A little? Fuck, what brought you out here? Oh, see, everything that was going on, I was like, no, no, nothing like this I'm not going to like it I'm not going to like it I'm not, you don't have to call me your boss, this isn't the You're not in the Florida plantations anymore, so What am I not going to like, I'm excited Yeah, why? Oh, I'm going to like it, wow Damn, he hired his own replacement, I love it Brilliant My goodness, wow, keep bringing him out, Uncle Lazer I know you're watching this from far away Wow, that's incredible, amazing Uncle Lazer did something to benefit the show It was a historical moment, I never would have guessed that How did he find you?

He was doing a show on Temple, and they called me to bury him We hit it off, and we were good friends You care about some comedy, can you bring away after Texas? Yeah Is Uncle Lazer one of those white dudes that can say the Edward and you don't get mad or no? No, no, not at all I love it, just ask D's John D's said no, D's man is said no, and even Matt Neil He said no He's shocking to Shane, he's not watching the game What were you doing Orlando? Did you have a job?

I was a girl, I was a younger one, I was Wait, what were you? I was a stock nigga, I did like stockish, I was a grocery guy, I did that too Yeah, that's a good question You're going to be part of the drive-by later Congratulations Yes Welcome to the club Adam Ray Adam Ray, you can catch him in a drive-by shooting later Or the Barbie movie right now, he's also in the Barbie movie Nice plug Two good credits for you, catch him in a Barbie movie Or a drive-by later Oh shit Cam, that is, I just love the, I find out more and more I find out a lot about you in our drinking sessions at night at Mitzvies after some of the shifts here It is incredible to think that you were part of so many You told me last week that you used to have a gun on you sometimes on stage Every time I started doing it, I started doing a piss on me at all times Why? I just told you Come on, stepdad, listen up I had a pistol, but I didn't want to use it in there I want to use it in my advantages I want to never have one Yeah I bet you it was legal too, huh? Oh hell no I mean, I mean, yes I hope you don't ever get in trouble I hope no one ever watches Kill Tony, he's like, okay, he wants to try to kill me I'm sure there's like a thousand police sketches out there that look just like you right now I don't miss Tony Ah, you're right, you don't And you also don't on this show, Red Man?

Tony, we found out something about him at the ten years I always carry rocks If you have a rock on you right now You got rock He keeps rocks on him I got him right here I'm a pro dad My son always tests rocks What is this? I got this one, I got another one, this one like more courses You want to touch it? Welcome, that's the first time this guy's ever been called the N word for sure That is amazing Wow, where are you from sir? Amazing What part of Florida?

See, I'd chew better Yeah, well never there That's the rich people part They let me in that part Yeah, no, you're right I'll let me in the middle and I'll get in the middle Uh-uh Am I right? Hundred percent, thank you Show us all the rocks that you sell Oh Those are for backstage rich Be quiet Ha ha ha Cam, you're a fucking star week after week after week It is unbelievable, we love you You came through again You did it again Make some fucking noise for Cam Patterson everybody That's the future And he has arrived Cam Patterson We're gonna give a movement Huh I wanna rock with you Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Joe Botelho everybody Joe Botelho Top act to follow Cam is not easy to follow Guys, thank you One more time for Joe everybody Thank you so much Thank you I'm so glad I can't see you I'm Joe Botelho I'm from Canada Not a big fan of Drake Not because he's black But it doesn't help Doesn't really help that much But I love porn I hate this like you hate porn Now we have to stop whacking off Dude, I whacked off back in the golden age of whacking off I had to find my dad's porn Like half the time you find a gun Or you find your mom's dirty panties Like so when you found the porn And you put the porn in you To remember what scene it was in Your dad wouldn't know you found his porn And he'd move the porn stash But the worst part of doing that Is when I rewound it And went forward I never had to go past that part Because I stopped at the same part My dad Stopped like we came At the same time So now I can only come Remembering my dad coming That's pretty much So that's why I raised my history So my son doesn't come to the same thing That I come to Which is videos of my dad coming That's This is a long minute Talking about that Thank you Thank you Longer for us Than it was for you Joe Botelho Welcome to the show We're in America Oh wow Where are you visiting from? I was at Toronto Hamilton Okay and that's the type of shirt You think is acceptable here? Actually my best friends Is also comic on the show We're wearing the same shirt today Yeah the shirt would meet Losh but he ate it Joe you look like the guy that got me Two to both grocery stores came And I worked at it Do I love food?

Why are you wearing that? What made you go with that? Is that to be silly and funny? What happened was We're wearing the shirts At Target And cool store like Target And we're wearing a girl walk by and go That's really nice Until we bought the shirts That's the random girl That's not my wife So she thinks I'm hot The girl thought you were hot?

Well she thought the shirt was nice That's kinda like the same Nooooo Girls did they compliment you If they go like this That means they want to fuck you Don't touch anybody Don't touch anybody Don't touch anybody See the red X? Santa on the red X Sorry sorry sorry When you put that shirt on this morning It only had two bananas on it It was so hot that I'm on my third shower today This fucking heat is hot Wow it's hot heat It is a hot heat that you are not in Canada any longer What do you do for working? I'm a roofer You're a roofer in Canada Oh boy Like industrial not houses I'm too big for housing So Okay did you try houses My wife didn't let me Okay she didn't want you She just knows I'm too fat Right and you're shaped like a ball Is she big? She's big?

Oh yeah she's big How big is she? Guess her way Guess what she's like You're dressed like a circus freak Guess her way Probably like She also wear like food clothes Yeah That's a question It's a good question No she doesn't like She's like probably like 50 pounds less than me But it's like Mulsey Titty Yo shout out to my wife Laura I love you Yeah you huge bitch Wait did you say she's mostly titty? She's mostly titty fat Wow That's definitely got to be the name of your special Dude if you ever do one Mostly titty fat My kids are fat too Wait you brought your wife You brought your wife No no no I'm on vacation No no no My wife's that My wife's from Canada Is she cool? Fuck her Nice You should have Alberta Oh cool that's where my friends from Your friend?

No my black friend Your what friend? My black friend Your black friend is wearing a same shirt as you Your black friend is wearing a shirt with bananas all over It's not racist in Canada We don't have racism We're the Underground Railroad Oh really tell that to the indigenous people I'm married to a native I'm married to a Native American Prove it Prove it Put your ear to the ground and tell me if she's coming here Just look at the glass like I don't know Alright relax relax So you're married to obese native Why didn't marry her a peach? She was like really like sexy Wow Damn this is like at the Lando Lakes lady got high on her own Supply You know what I mean? I was fat always What was your guys' go to snack Like when you were a What made you guys this way?

Probably chaps Pringles are really good Be low for milkshakes I just hope I don't get too fat to put my hand in the can I think you already have Really? Wow What do you do for fun? John Botello? Joe Botello?

Yeah sure Banana Joe I have a special needs daughter I love her very much Oh okay That's something to work with Yeah Would she the girl that told you that shirt tonight? What kind of special needs are we talking about? She's Canadian She's one And a half native But what's her special needs? She's autistic And has epilepsy and some other stuff I can Hell yeah Fucking party time What was that for?

Epilepsy Oh no yeah Epilepsy Epilepsy Okay so what happens? Which part? Explain like when the epilepsy goes along Oh let's say it really yeah So she'll just like The easy one is like she just looks up in the air and then turns to the side and passes out The other one is like you have to clear like tables out and everything And make sure she doesn't hurt herself Sorry that's not funny No it's okay That's what my wife does when we have snack But yeah it's pretty brutal though How many kids do you have? Two I have an older son Stop that autistic one He's autistic No it's just really Portuguese He's really Portuguese He's really Portuguese Yeah he's very Portuguese It's like Canadian Mexican I think Yeah but I mean what you're just like we work really hard We tend We like eating and fucking back girls How old is your son?

He's 19 19 what does he do? Right now it just helps us watch our daughter He's amazing He's a great big brother Okay that's awesome That's good how old's the daughter? She's gonna be 16 in December Okay what are you gonna do when she turns 18? Well she's gonna stay with us forever Oh okay you're not gonna kick her out of the house?

No Okay she might kick you out of the house if she Yeah she might eat the house What? You seem proud about all this I'm very happy I'm able to provide and feed my family Way too much carbohydrates Oh shit look at this fucking Trainabugly people coming back to this Hello Would you ever explain to them what I'm trying to say? Yeah what Tony means is I hope you guys everything went okay in the bathroom And Thanks for coming out Is there like Would your daughter ever go on like the biggest loser epilepsy edition? Oh I would watch that Do they have that?

They don't have that no They just have different cages around the city Different cages? Yeah just to lock them in That's just in Trudeau it's fucked yeah Is it really? To lock that epileptic edition? Well then they'll crush the stuff So they don't want them to hurt people Wait are you being funny?

Cause we don't know Cause Canada is fucking crazy right now Of course you believe me no there's no cages For the kids Okay Are they pushing any weird? Have they pushed any weird educational things on your kids that you've noticed? No not I mean they don't really teach the autistic one much but They just gotta change her Do you call her that by the way? Champ Chief I call her Chief cause she's part native so Right Okay It's not racist But yeah After she has like a seizure You're picking her?

Like you have to clean up like poo and pee Oh yeah Ahh Yeah right by any piece of shit Yeah there you go There you go Go back to epilepsy's real funny Yeah how dare you insult a fellow Pringle lover? Joe fun times my friend you're walking out of here with a small joke book You earned it There you go Congratulations You're getting a gel blaster as well Gel blaster available in stores everywhere Make sure your kids don't play with it Joe Alright I pre-pulled another name Here we go Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket It's Ridge Hershberger everybody Ridge Oh shit Make some noise for Ridge Hershberger everyone Howdy y'all Hi baby the most Texan person you see tonight Hello about myself I'm from Pennsylvania I grew up on a farm And it was awesome man Me and my brother we make up our own adventures Like we made a diving board in our pond We made boats out of 55 gallon drums We made love The thing about farming is our entire livelihood depends on something we can't control The Jews The Jews control the weather I'm reading about the Jews I'm reading about the Jews I'm kidding it's the Bible Actually I'm listening to the audio version Because I'm still trying to learn how to read And it's the King James version So it's narrated by LeBron James Ridge Hershberger With a fantastic set Very fun You've been on the show before correct? Correct It was a couple years ago Three years ago I remember you And I I mean that is just an incredible amount of growth that we're seeing This set obviously went a lot better than the last set Am I correct? Yeah I just started then And here you are Three years into the game Working beats, owning your own style Talking about yourself I love the Texas, Pennsylvania start You flow the whole way through It's incredible to see Thank you With a last name like Hershberger How could you say anything anti-choice?

I mean we will foreclose on your parents That's one of my questions You think I should lean into that? I don't know You look a lot different now man Since last time I never worked Good You look 20 years younger than a 26 year old That was up here earlier Red man reminded me of something Were you the one that got the lap dance At the Paramount Theatre? Was that you? Yeah I did Hell yeah Look at that, how's life gone for you In the love department since then?

That's alright At that girl We talked a little bit And I asked her to go to the zoo Okay Go on You see a bunch of Canadians wearing banana shirts There And she said She had a photo shoot Yeah Right That's a problem That's a guy that fucked her by the way Don't say that How are you doing in Austin in the dating scene now? Post a photo shoot girl? Yeah, that's fine Let's see What time, when's the last time you got to take off those overalls Question Did you take three or four weeks ago? Okay, tell us about that What happens where a guy like Ridge Hershberger Unstraps those two chest straps Did you wear underwear underneath those?

Sometimes Wow, look at that Incredible Or maybe it keeps them on Just to hold them I don't know Right I'm gonna do that My move My move is Sounds bad I guess if the zoo doesn't work out What's like Plan B? I like going two-stepping Go two-stepping What's Plan C? Take her to the farm Your farm? Yeah You still have a farm?

Your family has a farm Yeah, I was just there Where? Pennsylvania What are they, what are they raised? We have dairy cows 300 dairy cows Yeah That's hard to help Not for me Oh Are you giving out loans? Am I giving out loans?

We're actually looking to buy a farm Yeah, I'm giving out loans I'm also giving out hair conditioner Wait, is that my hair? No, you fucking idiot Of course it is He's on your side He controls the weather So 300 cows out there Let's go back to your love life here Three weeks ago What do you do? You go to a bar? Yeah, you go to a comic club Hangout And then you go up to a girl What do you say?

What's your opening line? Here, I love this Here we go Here's a little Shakespearean article I can leave with soft jazzy music Just a little Yeah, there you go We're out We are out We're at a comedy club Adam Ray Is a girl Tony said I can have another rum and diet What's up? You want me to pay for that? I'm sorry, what?

You want me to pay for this? God, don't fucking yell at me Jesus Adam, usually they come after me So you use it Sorry, no, no Hold on, hold on, hold on Do you have any money? Yeah, lots How much? I don't know Anyways Okay, yeah, seen Well, very good at this Not great anymore That's okay Tell us like right now There's a girl here It turns out Rich Hersburg doesn't have the acting chops that we thought he might Tell us what happened three weeks ago We went to a stepping And then we went back to her Blaze Because you don't have a place I do, I have a place I live with people He's one of those guys that lives with like 42 other comics Is that true?

No, I don't What's your living situation I live with a gay couple And then Another guy An older guy, so like 15 over Yeah You live with a gay couple And another guy Do you think the gay couple says that they live with a gay couple? We're in a gay couple Think two stepping is gay I haven't talked to them They think it's cool They think it's cool No they don't You don't think gay people go to step? No, they're more of a tango tape Take it from me I would know Show us a little two step Yeah, let's see it Can we play some two step music? Oh my God, I think you just tied somebody up Oh shit That was the girl being like Okay, I'm not having fun anymore What are you doing?

Alright, alright, alright Come on, it's cool I live with a couple of gay guys Come on over Alright Rich, so you go back to this girl's house Then what happens? Then we take my boots off Oh my God We're actually going step by step two for the two step by Then we get into her bed And then we What about the overalls? We all want to know about the trademark overalls When did those come off? Listen to all these horny women out here That's unbelievable I guess we're all wondering like what's farmer for play?

Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, you play with their udders a little bit? You're right around the tractor and it gets a little bouncy You know? You should be here Yeah, no, no.

Farmer for play a little of this? Oh gosh What was it? What was that? Milk and a cow Okay, let's talk real life Rich, what happens?

You go there you take off your head and get in the bed And then you have sex No, no, no. It's not the order of events You're overalls are still on Yeah, you take off I don't think you understand I guess we'll go boots And then hat Okay, then what? Then overalls And then what? Sure And then you hope it's a wreck You still have your socks on?

Oh no, I forgot You son of a bitch Isn't that supposed to make you last longer or something? I don't know, is it? I've always asked people for special sexual tips or maneuvers If you keeping your socks on makes you last longer I'm interested Is that a thing that you've heard before? Is that a farm?

Yeah, I heard it from someone Rich, I'm sorry At what point do you tag in your roommates? Right at the beginning? Nice Rich, back when you did the show, were we even giving out joke books? No, well guess what, my friend You're walking away with a big one here today And Rich, I'd love to have you on next week's secret show If you want it next week's secret show There you go, you got bug Rich Hershberger, everybody Square note that in hospitality efficiency is everything That's why the system lets you take payments Track sales, handle inventory Managed apps and keep up with finances all in one place Keep the data you need and keep everything working together So you're ready for whatever's next Learn more about their customizable plans at squareup.com Alright, we're going to keep it moving along This is definitely a new name because I would know if I had seen this name before Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket We're going to meet them all together It's Tony Wellens, everybody Tony Wellens There goes a new Tony on Kill Tony Here he is, Tony Wellens Everyone make some noise for Tony These people wait all day For this Me and my girlfriend recently broke up I was sad She was a squirter I had no idea I was a psych bitch I'd be making that pussy pop Drop a roll motherfucker I'd be in that pussy all night Gotta wanna be black so bad I uh No I'm just kidding I do have a black brother-in-law So basically what I'm saying is my sister is fat And uh She is But uh It's cool getting new people new experiences Like I hooked up by the girl at nipple piercings That was fun, that was interesting Like I never had that before Sucking on nipple piercing It tastes like I was stuck on the end of like a AA battery She was like you turn on like a fucking charged up That's for sure So you can jump start a car with these things But I've got to have a friend to the grater and just take her for his body parts but nipples was a really cool girl And uh My sisters love to tell me that joke is misogynistic and I really hate that because I don't like it when they voice their opinions What a great set Coney Wellens An unbelievable 60 seconds Welcome Tony This is your first time on the show correct Tony How long have you been to stand up?

About four years? Where are you from? Orlando? You still live in Orlando?

No I just spoke to you like two or three days ago? Amazing you know who Cam Patterson is? That's my cousin He's the reason I'm here Really? Yeah Every time I see him I don't know when he fucking picked up the hat by the way It's cool Tell us about how Cam, what did Cam tell you?

You were about to say something there? No he just was uh he just called me all the times like you need to get your ass here and you need to come here when he first got here and he was like this sucks it's terrible but then like three days later he's like we need to move here it's fucking this is the greatest dude he took him three days to make it. It's like nothing fab in it He's crazy. He's crazy.

He's crazy. He's the guy. He is the future. You're very funny yourself.

Like Friday. So you basically also made it in three days here. You're here right now on the biggest show in the city. Unbelievable.

The odds of being pulled out of the bucket near one in 200 and here you are. I was fucking crazy. I was walking over to Creek and with my boy to sign up to Oak Mike and I he popped down. I was like Tony Wells.

He was like yeah and I was like holy shit. I manifested it too. I was like this one. We believe in that shit around here.

Absolutely. So Tony what do you do for living in Orlando? I used to hang window coverings like blinds and shit. Okay.

So you invest in in wires so that when I make a good joke I float up in the air like this. Oh my God. I haven't asked him yet. It's been a week about it.

I'm going down. I'm going down Joe. Shout out and tear your specialties. Fuck you and tear your specialties.

But honestly I'm glad they have. Wow. You just went back to the questions real quick. I just want to say that.

I was talking about my specialties. Okay. Wow. Okay.

You've been holding on to the anger. You're talking about the blind hanging back. You've had two really, really funny jokes. Thank you.

But can you two step? Can I two step? No. The fat girl jokes?

Oh shit. Oh hey. Is Camp Patterson's cousin? I don't know.

I don't know what a two step is. It's pretty close. Fresh off the boat. I don't know what the gang's on just two.

Yeah. Absolutely. What do you do for fun? Tony Wellens.

I shoot like man with street videos. I like to work out. That's really just kind of about it. What do you do on your man on the street videos?

Wait, wait, wait. Improv redemption. Yeah. Can I play the girl in the scene again?

Absolutely. Here we go. We have a little... What's the scene?

Jaz Club? You're a black guy. I'm a girl. Is that what it is?

Yeah. Jaz Club. Let's run it back. All right.

Here we go. Jaz Club. Little light music. Not too loud.

Here we are. Hey. Another ramen diet. Red band.

What's going on? Shoddy. Can I holler at you for a little bit? Okay.

And scene. Wow. That was incredible. Great job.

Great job. Straight to an aggressive unlubricated hand job. I mean, that is that piece. Oh, you saw that, huh?

That's incredible. My space work is bad. How long have you been doing black boys for? Maybe since I was like 12.

Wow. See, I don't do it. I grew up in the suburbs, bro. Every white kid in the suburbs wants to be black.

So it's kind of like a fun thing. I dug around. But it's like we all, they listen to rap music. They all want to be.

They think they're black. I don't know why I can do that. Sorry. Keep on watching invisible.

That's a, that's a black people shit. What else about you? What are some other? Oh shit.

D madness. Releasing the ash. That looks like LeBron James before a game. I'm kidding.

Your hands are well-moisted. He's not laughing. I know. I know.

God damn right. We love you, dude. Have you performed in Florida since you moved out here? Yeah.

Yeah. I moved out here like two days ago. Oh, hell no. That's what I ever talked to me again.

Wow. Cam. Wait. So have you got seriously?

Okay. So two days ago, but where did you have a home club in Florida? You think you started in Orlando, right? Yeah.

Shout out to your comedy. Me and Cameron were always up at that spot. The Orlando prom comes to spots there too. Do you get to host a feature down there at all?

Yeah. I hosted maybe about like, they don't really show as much love as I want to. Well, now you're here. Let's talk about your living situation.

What is it like for you? Oh, here? Let's talk about your life. I'm just still gonna talk about this.

If I get all the names then I'll give you the questions. You have to meet them. And also comment. I don't even know I brought the Asian shit in there.

I don't they're just the the Asian. I got a face. Yeah, totally. We don't see it.

I put it on Facebook, marketplace, I got the place, Facebook, marketplace, it's so it's what thatakin, what kind of a Asian is first of all? I've just to meet them. I know just by talking on the phone the Asian. Can you do it?

Do you know? Yeah. You have to. think you can do black voice that means you can do Asian voice so Adam you be him calling Facebook marketplace can we get a little bit of Asian music hold on a second can I get a little I've never requested this before before we start the scene just a little bit of these perhaps you can cook something up there oh it's great red bands can you have a phone a hold on these is gonna get about the professional musician alright Tony right we're no longer in a jazz club you're Tony wellens calling Facebook marketplace you have a phone ringing thing sound effect here you got that I know we got that man these Asian motherfuckers got so many numbers I'm Tony Wellington hello oh hero whoa whoa whoa whoa mother fucker this sounds like a white guy pretending Asian guy who be this would you like a the room for 580 a month wow turned into Dracula there at the end oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh fuck you I tried my best I tried my best I was sucker you're sore sauce it started out you you came in hot with the hero I know but that's you went full-time hotel Transylvania yeah I know you say hero then you say goodbye we have amazing play curry ha ha ha ha I mean one curry to curry three curry how many room do you want all right so how have you not seen them yet if you live with them are they perhaps wearing ninja suits on the ceiling I know so I got I did meet one I thought moved out but he lives in the someone's living in the living room and then there's somebody living in the other room wait do you live with Hans Kim yeah yeah are you sure they're not hiding behind like bushes or something in the house dude I know every time I go into there's nobody there but I can hear them I've yet to come like I I'll hear them talking and you know I've heard it what are they saying what is it sound like what does it sound like through the walls through the walls come on here ready I'll be you thinking I'll be your inner monologue and you be them talking ready yeah here we go yeah what the fuck are these Asian talking about right now I'm out trying to be Tony Wellington in my apartment let me put my ear to the wall real quick that was pretty good what's pretty good okay Tony I got to tell you man three days in Austin Texas you just fucking did it dude very funny very president don't know red bands gonna book you I'll have to have you next week at the secret show at sunset please please hold on hold on go back there Adam right and yo I'm gonna be at the dania improv in two weeks you come future for me I'll fly out fuck yes wow that's you stay right there ladies and gentlemen rich boss and we just want a new house you want to help me move hey yo suck my dick bitch oh Tony here's a big joke bug here he goes the kill Tony debut of Tony well and ladies and gentlemen make some noise for him everybody Tony underscore well and and let me tell you something opening for a a real headliner on the road there's gonna be amazing sold out shows at the dania beach in problem when is that July 14th to the 16th July 14th to the 16th is a really big deal Adam every time he's on the show gives away amazing gifts and stuff to his favorite comedians have a fucking hand for Adam Ray it's amazing I love the show put a guy up in a hotel yep that was sleeping in his car last I think he still has a job to right yeah he's got a job right next door now here's the one caveat that Tony doesn't know I'm gonna make him do his entire set in an Asian accent yeah we'll be right back well I probably won't we are we are deep into this episode and we've not had a female comedian up tonight so what I did I went through the bucket and it took me a while this is a heavily very very real sausage stew in this bucket tonight but I was able to find a female comedian hopefully this is a female comedian we're gonna we're gonna fingers crossed here make some noise for Ellie in space everybody here you go Ellie in space balancing the scales of equality all right Ellie in space wow great check on you son of a bitch I tell these guys there's one fucking rule asshole you can't help yourself guys complete reset one more time make some noise play a couple notes this is Ellie in space everybody hey guys so I hate the phrase break a leg I moved here a few months ago and I did exactly that I actually broke my femur I'd have surgery and put a rod in my leg and then my felon boyfriend dumped me he said that he'd never date a disabled girl you know who would the internet I put photos of me in a walker and people were simping left and right I had no idea that my rod could give you a rod in your pants but yeah we broke up and you know I had a handicap to with him I didn't mind that he was a felon but he had a tattoo of his exes face on his stomach so every time we fucked it was like a threesome I didn't want to be in anyway I hope he's not watching this but I do hope that I broke in a leg here on Kiltony I'm here to stand up I should say there you go Ellie in space everybody wow this is like if Woody gave guys Woody's this is incredible I love it Ellie in space how long you been doing stand up this is like my 10th time 10th time ever were all of these other times in Austin most of them yeah I moved here February Portland you're used to be in the news industry for seven or eight years wait what how did you know this okay stop being fucking creepy and answer the question Jesus I'm a psychic genius no I saw a video that of you that you interview people how did you see this video read there's like a Reddit thing I think is this true Reddit like I was on YouTube is he be is he correct I'm a full-time youtuber now I quit my job in TV news to be a full-time youtuber how do you find this random stupid shit like that when you have so much work that you wait till Sunday afternoon to do toilet in the iPhone man guy waits until Monday morning to edit Kiltony episodes you know what he's looking at dumbass videos of Ellie in space I guess I have reached on the internet it's working we were in the morning news I was more of the late night news so the really depressing shit yeah like how do you know that part she it's I saw a video of her and she how many videos did you see a red band just one and she interviewed people trying to go up on Kiltony and then I was like who is this girl and I went on her Instagram and shows that she used to be in the news and I just happened to look at it like last night when I was on the toilet well that must have been a long view and I was like well should we sit out there for hours we got to do something how long have you been signing up for the show this is my third time's a charm this is literally my third week in a row and I had almost fainted when I got picked incredible do you have epilepsy why do you call yourself Ellie in space did you say I look familiar oh no and I also said 40 early on 14 Ellie in space is my YouTube channel I covered Tesla in SpaceX news full-time so actually moved here because I could I make fun of you in the in the little room yes you were like cowboy hat and I said look at that cowboy hat I bet you just moved here and you did and you were in the crowd a while yeah and then I just kept killing before and after that yeah all right so did the guy really break up with you dude he did and that guy that you were with yeah now he's trying to get back with me oh wait a second okay so how long ago did he break up with you the day after my birthday literally well not all of us have stopped you like red band can you tell us when your birthday was red band should I ask you March 25th I only looked at one video I swear fucking creep was going to you back to the Portland news for seven years it wasn't actually a broken leg it was a torn video cowboy hat from Allen's on Congress on June 3 I'll show you where she sleeps tonight at 11 you just got new throw pillows for your red mattress March 24th so March 25th did I just guess that well no I didn't can you uh bend down and touch your shoes rich no stop jesus right I mean I'm in a creep sandwich made with creepy bread right now will you two fucking relax Jesus fucking right out your credit red bands like rich if you want to see a bend over look at video number 38 on a YouTube channel great credit you guys are fun it was less than four months ago guys this is kind of hard for oh yeah that's pretty cool can I ask how the guys trying to get you back like what are the lines you saw thrown at you we're just a lot of cars I ran because I was falling in love with you babe Wow I whispered I was falling in love with you you still fucking left why did he what it was how did he break up with you that's the day after my birth that I mean how did he say cake he gave me a damn pedicure and the day after he came over and he's like I just I want to be more selfish with my time I can't do this anymore Wow later he's like so how's going that's Austin Texas free he found a little hoe then he got fucking an STD and now he's crawling back that's what happened no red band shut the fuck up fucking disgusting fucking idiot it's a comedy show you fucking retard anyway so when the guy should we why when you said no how do you know what he did after he broke up with you how do I know what how do you know he didn't hook up with some random Austin hoe and get an STD and then I don't I don't should we call him we have a phone unlocker handy right now are you guys chanting Jerry right now this fucking place is crazy did the Australians start this chant when you say dude hold on Ellie in space over here when you say dude why do you look so concerned right now oh what is do you have your phone on you know we have it in the back and you bring it up oh we got it right here we go real yes we are talk about my channel or something no not at all not fucking second no one wants to talk about your channel that has one view that keeps coming from Flugerville I I I he's a VPN it's from Germany I fucking hope red band phone rings what so does red band there you go what am I supposed to call it hold on let's let's explain the rules here a little bit let's just let's just take a beat here Ellie in space so here's what's gonna happen here when I say go you hit his contact you hit the call button you put it on speakerphone and then you take the bottom of the phone and you put it directly against the microphone and then I will speak for you you're in good hands we've been doing this for ten years it's not the beginning of our YouTube channel Ellie you ready I was born ready dude the tip the tip what's your name again what's his name Justin hello Justin it's Tony with kill Tony hello how are you hello Justin Justin can you hear me yes Justin I'm here with Ellie and you came up you remember seeing me absolutely destroy at the mothership one night man I didn't see your shit but uh wait he wasn't with you oh that wasn't the guy that was with you okay well there was some other guy okay Justin I may be getting Ellie in trouble right so let's talk about it a little louder I got you no Justin it's okay it's okay unlike you I could fuck Ellie if I wanted to right now so Justin we're here and I'm trying to talk Ellie into getting back with you we know that you want Ellie back she looks absolutely stunning you're missing out on an incredible incredible opportunity here we're hoping that you will give it one more pitch here in front of over one million viewers around the globe can you tell Ellie how badly you want her back right now speak with your chest it's very interesting that all this is happening right now I was writing a poem earlier about just like and yeah you know like the things we share in common and it feels like we're partners but and then there's just that empty void of feeling alone and you know I you know my other girls and I feel like you know it's tough to be single like you know I want to I want to do with this chick and she doesn't want it this sucks Justin this sounds amazing do you have the poem near you right now can you read it Bobby I'm fucking half asleep bro I'm not opening up my laptop and saying this for all you all right these people want the poem come on we know you're half asleep this is how it happens sometimes life hits you in mysterious ways and mysterious times I'm trying to speak with my chest right now so you understand me how far are you from your laptop you're I know what it's like being single my laptop's usually right next to me how far's your laptop Justin you know world one man wanted to get one girl back all he had was a laptop and his thoughts he broke up after her birthday like a fucking cocksucker but now he's back for redemption on one lonely Monday night Justin take it away with the poem to save your relationship some scars and never heal this summer we present break a leg all right let's lower the emotional strings Justin do you have the poem near you no I don't like Justin you're being booed right now I'm telling you you still have a chance with Ellie she is surrounded by superstars the guy right next to her is in the new Barbie movie he has an unbelievable podcast called about last night she's also only feet away from rich boss calm who's a new special is coming out in mere months she's sitting in front of taught five touring musicians two of them are blind black men that can smell her sweetness that is true he has a Jew knows Justin be careful he gets I'd like to apologize for the Jews for this entire episode you're fine you're fine you're fine okay Justin if you're not gonna read the poem can you at least give one last pitch to Ellie she's standing here she's beautiful she's stunning I like what you said earlier we don't really believe that you wrote a poem that you're afraid to go get the laptop with so final words Justin one final pitch she seems like she really really likes you yeah I mean you know you you run around and you're seeing all these people and I hope you can see how much different I am with you and you know just just the quality time we have together it seems like we can always just be in the moment it seems like everything we do is sincere I mean there's not too many people that I can just go around and dance with go work out with you food with just be in silent pain with and all those things are really beautiful it's hard to find that I think I got a partner so wow that's a good one you got the crowd back on your side oh wait no it's a little bit split the angry center of the room is turning against you Justin this is real-life chaos here Mercedes is saying no her vote counts for 30 people nor 30 normal humans wait there's a man now starting a kick him out chant okay everybody relax the Saudi Arabian is actually bending over this time this is incredible I mean at a 90 degree angle by the way that is incredible he's looks like he's trying to get into the Boston marathon right now it's unbelievable Ellie let me ask you well Justin's there and listening how did that pitch make you feel you get to talk to a lot of Austin guys there's a lot of guys Texas oil money you're next to superstars and artists and a bunch of fucking horny tourists how does Justin's pitch do you make you feel I just told him that I need time because you already were you you ran away when you started feeling things for me he ran away from his feelings a day after your birthday now that's food for thought now Justin I guess one thing that I didn't ask you that I think the world wants to know right now what made you break up with her the day after her birthday when she had a broken leg yeah man I just have a lot of anxiety building up you know I I'm kind of like not used to being out I don't know if you shot the fuck up I'm sorry Justin I was telling some idiot shut the fuck up not you keep going what he meant was thanks for coming out to back into the world and feeling like you know being around the woman again for a long time I was just kind of put myself in with this lovely woman and it was a lot you know it was a lot taken care of her it was a lot no relationship um supporting her and all that shit hey Justin do you have a van hold on Justin Justin Justin do you have any plans to come back to Austin Texas anytime soon oh he lives here I met him on a on a bumble date and I flew back out here to visit him for a week and I thought you know so you basically came here and stayed here because of him not because of him but it was an exciting component of that there's a 16-hour drive and it was raining when she left it was actually misty misty is this real from your YouTube channel is it no do you know this is the most red band shit I've ever seen happen on the show in my entire fucking life this is who he is by the way okay let me tell you this Justin are you still there here's what I'm gonna do because you were a hero you put yourself out there you could have easily have hung up I'm going to with my little bit of influence and power I am going to convince Ellie to at least go to dinner with you that I'm going to take care of it one of my favorite restaurants in the city and I'm going to pick up the bill and that's the minimum that I'm going to do Ellie Ellie do you agree to go to dinner with them all right Justin are you gonna go to dinner with Ellie yeah I appreciate you looking out like that Tony you got it buddy there you go I'm gonna take care of dinner I'm not gonna name the restaurant because I don't want you freaks to know where I like to go get steaks at but and just like that she avoided red band once again I'll get you next time thank you Justin you're a good sport enjoy dinner with Ellie there you go Justin everybody you can hang out now Ellie if you can't make that dinner I'll be all the way just rich boss once again proving that he's Jewish I'll go he's like can I can I have the dinner by myself Ellie you're a great sport you played along very well 10 spots on stage you know I don't really know you know it's very very tough this whole this whole fucking game of stand-up comedy but I am for having such a great interview I'm gonna give you a big joke book and I'm gonna pick up that tab he left after her birthday and now Tony's gonna take them for food no I'm not taking them for food I'm just paying the bill I'm gonna pre-pay the bill that was super nice of you there's a spending limit I should say there's a spending limit there's a 28 dollar maximum no no it's not rich picking up the tab it's me picking up the tab I'm gonna set it like what we both don't drink so it'll be a cheap bill it's a pretty it's a pretty good pretty good steakhouse I'm taking to it just to appetizers please and get a water to go otherwise if you don't put out he's gonna leave on your birthday again congratulations oh Ellie has something she wants to say I do maybe she's going to ask red band to dinner and stuff you said if I didn't put out he would leave but I had sex the second I was home from the hospital because I was here he would leave with a broken ass fucking life yo thank you for this you're in treasure hospital sex is the basics or so red bands told me once before absolutely incredible very fun times thanks for signing up I'm going to want a an update on what happens here so make sure you asked for Yoni or Christy when after the date and then we'll get you up here for a new minute and an update I'm all about it and have your guy bring the poem yeah take a photo the poem yeah take a photo of the poem for us we're definitely gonna need that all right how about one more time for Ellie in space everybody that's our YouTube channel so all you horn dogs out there go fucking watch your YouTube well that's so fucking weird it's I literally just watched her video you are a creepers red band wash your keyboard please it makes me wonder it makes me wonder how many women I could have pulled out of the bucket where you're like I know you no need for an interview Tony I've got us covered there's only one way to end an episode like this ladies and gentlemen I almost forgot how exciting our ribbons on our gifts here on Kill Tony are ladies and gentlemen your final comedian of the night of the night has the all-time record for appearances on Kill Tony the all-time record for most new minutes he is the only living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame make some noise for the Memphis Strangler the big red machine the vanilla gorilla William Montgomery everybody first first off holy shit that dude's poems okay since it's a July 4 tomorrow I'd like to just do the pledge allegiance over here I pledge allegiance to red bands mom even if I can't always get ahold of her and on that night when we had sex at Denny's under a table intoxicated with Liberty and Justice for all that took me like five hours comparing it with the actual fucking Pledge of Allegia okay make sure your Uber driver is obese because you know his ass got the AC cranked up and it's been hot his shoe former NFL quarterback Ryan Mallet drowned a Panama City beach after being pulled out into the ocean by a rip tide and this whole time I thought he told other people to go deep the Supreme Court just ended affirmative action with which really sucks because I was so close to playing in the NBA y'all know I was gonna be playing for the Dallas bathroom I love Mark Cuban okay that's my time the great the powerful the big red machine William lights out Montgomery how do you feel about that set William feel pretty good but Tony all I honestly can feel right now is I have the worst hemorrhoid I swear to God it's like the size of a golf ball in my butthole I spread my cheeks earlier in the mirror in the bathroom finally to just see what I was working with and I swear to God it looked just like an open predator's mouth oh my butthole yeah I mean it was it looks like I have two buttholes anybody else got two buttholes on the crew well okay a couple people yeah look just like I had two buttholes but yeah I swear to God Tony it looks like a predator's mouth I don't know what the predator's mouth looks like it's like picture I'm spreading it apart and it kind of ends up it looks like a swelling vagina or something like that it's not seeing a more like a trapezoid kind of it looks like to triangle it looks like an hourglass kind of because the just get a sewing needle oh Tony why is he'll he's on the fucking show seriously what's going on he's a ratings disaster did you see how fucking creepy with that bitch he was just up here I mean he's creepy with all the bitches dude you are you're gonna get in fucking trouble now I have some inside information he's literally gonna get in trouble creepy with all the bitches William has said here yeah I have the receipts is this really weird deal I mean he was talking I'm not gonna get into it all right he will describe what his butthole looks like but he will not give out the info on red band he will talk about his brown band but not his sweet red band don't call out your mom right now dude oh my goodness huh wow literally the only thing I can feel is that dang my butthole right now and you're really coming at me like that you piece of show hold on let's let's stop the red band thing for a second here let's get back to this is this real this thing in your butthole or is this one real it came out again I didn't shit for two days and when I did it fucking it happened I don't know what's going on I've been putting extra fiber in my in my midnight oh it's what's it called midnight oh no overnight oh it's I've been midnight oh not midnight oh it's burning the midnight oats yeah my overnight oh I've been putting a bunch of fiber in there but it's not working Tony I'm backed up right now I wrote up I don't even we vote for I know you know small talk yeah I all right wow a lot of time a lot of chance here tonight how do you have you had a hammer before yes I had a had one or two this past year my goodness I wrote you a poem about it what is it fuck off roses a red band that way apologize what me fuck off what the fuck are you apologized for Mr.

Red Band I literally have something the size of a golf ball in my ass already don't come in me pieces yet William gets a little feisty with a guess sometimes I don't think it's like can we can you show us the hemorrhoid is that acceptable or blur we'll blur it out don't see it I was actually showing people earlier I posted it on Instagram and Instagram took the post down oh wow yeah it was just violated community guidelines community guidelines that's what they hit me with oh my goodness wow this is incredible so what does a how does a hemorrhoid what do you have to do now you just wait it out I don't know anything about this yeah I'm waiting it out it was getting better and then I ate a couple boxes of macaroni and cheese the other night craft brand really yeah and then I think that is what stopped me up yeah I mean it got better now it's worse again you ate two boxes of macaroni and cheese in one sitting yes I did do a bunch of sit-ups I'm starting doing a bunch of sit-ups recently and they just made me so hungry so I've so you did a bunch of sit-ups and then you ate two boxes of craft macaroni boxes of craft and I started making my midnight oh oh shit oh I think that was a movie we did one time what was it I know it's about Adam can I get some can we get some cinematic music he's got it yeah he's got I think that was actually the thing about red band kind of hitting on these 15 year old girls on the Internet all right William Adam is going to describe the movie that time this summer one man one hemorrhoid two boxes of craft mac and cheese I'm hungry to not him he had worked on the appetite of a lifetime doing 16 sit-ups made it to 16 trying to get to 20 next week he had a goal to play for Mark Cuban and the Dallas Mavericks but that could only be achieved if he could get his midnight oats ready before 6 a.m. it's impossible I make him an 8 a.m. he had a hemorrhoid the size of red band search history in his asshole and there was only one way to get it out the jaws of life he called his gay friend Brad the jaws of life he literally sucked out my last camera this film is not yet been rated Charlie's Theron Ben Kingsley and introducing fucking Tilda Swinton as the Jaws of Life featuring Robin Williams as Tilda Swinton Robin Williams as Tilda Swinton and Hans Kim as the Asian neighbor who couldn't believe the size of that hemorrhoid he couldn't believe it the night he saw it yeah but what did Hans Kim say when he saw the hemorrhoid William holy shoot that's a big ass emerald Tony who does the black voices from earlier is gonna do the voice of Hans Kim in this movie you know I'm gonna do Hans Kim's move what your Montgomery stars in midnight no idea I have no idea how this show is so successful it blows my mind I was hoping we could call Justin back and get him to do it till the swing and brush it all right that's great come on man I'm out to sleep right now William you are I don't know how you do it every week but you keep filling our souls with your sweet sweet midnight oats and it's a pleasure to seriously pray for my hemorrhoid though I'm not getting I'm currently squeezing my butt cheeks right now it makes the weirdness don't make it sweat I'll show you after the show to I actually do want it's crazy looking I swear to God it looks like I have two buttholes right now why don't know if I do you sure it's not a tumor oh he just had cancer did you not know I just literally had skin cancer cut off my fucking net you really did terminal turn in addition eight three weeks three weeks to live for live how does that make you free wait they give you three weeks to live with skin cancer three weeks now they told you told me last week that they took it off yeah they took it off but what they found didn't look good it's terminal three weeks to live three weeks to live I've been making my piece slowly but surely I've been making my midnight oats making my piece I've been calling people on the phone who have you been calling my old Jim teacher coach Rogers I mean coach Rogers and I used to fucking beat people up in the locker room so yeah coach Rogers I mean he was the first person I called this is incredible to find out that you have three weeks to live you were the first it's sad to make of coach Rogers on the line is something he wants to say hey hey will this is coach Rogers I'm in the middle of the big game what's happening you're not eating mac and cheese with that big handboard are you coach I am and coach Rogers I know we haven't spoken in a while but yeah well you hit me up on Facebook messenger from time to time sorry don't respond man I'm on me my bad I don't have a good diagnosis I mean it was a it's a hard I've three weeks left sorry sorry it's a seven minute stretch idiot that's baseball shit sorry it's baseball football wait what's going on with diagnosis what are you talking about it up all ago you're in a who a bowling alley I can't hear you we're playing boxing now sorry I work in a YMCA I should have mentioned that you still work at the YMCA yeah it's been a tough year I got covid sorry I'm getting my ass kicked out fuck you I have a whistle to go and I just don't want to spell it my time what's up with your skin cancer what what three weeks to what to live set go what is going on it's the way William I'm in a drive-by with camp sorry one second okay sorry what's up yeah I'm gonna die three weeks I'm gonna die three weeks what I say here for you but yeah sorry but there's a horse happening yeah I'm in church you'll do I put 60 bust up William skin cancer shiver me timbers well you would have made a hundred and twenty another spell god damn it sorry I was working Harry Potter summer camp there's some owls doing mine and that was red band coming to a YouTube video the news reporter too much fun make some fucking noise for the great William Montgomery everybody and how about one more time for the amazing Adam Ray and rich boss everyone I mean I knew we were gonna have fucking fun tonight we did it again thank you to gel blaster red rose yellow rose Austin security guard service connect mobile health screw ball peanut butter whiskey number one tequila how about one more time for the screw ball peanut butter whiskey band everyone Michael Gonzalez on the drums Paul Deamer on the horns D madness on the base guitar John Dees on the keys on the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar the drawing from Ryan Jay E-belt is in a bad brain rich boss that pops up on your YouTube right now and here's a drawing from local artist Chris Rogers it is of the kill Tony Golden ticket winner Jared Nathan everyone a lot of fun stuff happening still if you take it's available for the big New Year's Eve show some big announcements coming around very soon to go around that weekend a lot of fun stuff happening New Year's Eve here in Austin Texas for those of you listening around the world this is your chance to be here to soak in Austin what I truly believe is the greatest city in the world right now and yeah we love you guys thank you so much for coming out everybody right now check out the secret show every Thursday at the sunset strip comedy club sunset strip atx.com I love you we love you guys thank you good night everybody thank you thank you