Lion Rock Resources is advancing high-grade gold and lithium in South Dakota's Black Hills. The Volney Project, Phase 1 drilling complete, early stage, high potential. Follow the results at lionrockresources.com. Hey, this is Red Man and you are listening to the Desquad podcast network.
This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad.tv. If you want to check out our merch, go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merch and tour dates or go to Kill merch for all the Kill Tony merch, including posters, hats, shirts and hoodies, KillMerch.com. Tony has his own website, TonyHinchCliff.com. He's on a huge tour right now, so check out his website to find more information that's TonyHinchCliff.com.
I have a brand new comedy club, it's next door to the mothership, it's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You can check out my secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip or go to SunsetStripATX.com for more information. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, all we're at 75% of the tickets sold for the HEB Center, New Year's Eve, Austin, Texas.
A lot of shows happening that weekend come visit Austin, Texas, the live music capital of the world and the new comedy capital of the world. New Year's Eve, HEB Center, last chance for tickets, ticketmaster.com. KillMerch is absolutely killing it. We have new drops coming and everything else is absolutely thriving there.
I mean, it's just unbelievable. We've sold out and we are refreshing on everything. The store is an absolute wild success from stickers to tickers to old American pickers. And the Lord only knows what you will find at KillMerch.com right now.
Hey, this is Red Man. Come here live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony Hensley! Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh?
Evie, make some noise for Red Man everybody. This is it. You're at the number one live podcast in the motherfucking world. Brought to you by gel blaster, the red rose, yellow rose, Austin security guard service, screwball peanut butter whiskey, and unbelievable new sponsor, IV Drips.
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It's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deamer on the horns. Dave Sheer joining us tonight on the electric guitar. And this right here is the great and powerful D madness, ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh here, yet again, lots of good times ahead.
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Thank you. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? You guys can do fucking better than that. You guys ready to start the show?
Tonight's guest is most likely your favorite comedian's favorite fucking comedian. 16 years ago, when I started at the store, I hung out late night. The very first night I was ever there and watched this man perform for an hour and a half, two hours, three hours. And then I did the same thing the next night, the next night, the next night, the next night, the next night for a decade and a fucking half basically.
This is the guy that actually closes every real show at the comedy store. All the other kings of late night, those are interim champions. This is the actual guy who closed every show in the original. He's the creator of the funniest movie of all time.
I double dog dare you to watch it or watch it again. Windy City Heat. He's a host of the Big Three podcast. Make some noise for Comedy Store legend and one of our favorite guests and favorite friends of the show.
Give him a big Austin, Texas welcome. His first time here in the Fat Man of the Mothership. The great and powerful Don Barris everybody. Let's go.
You guys should do better than that. Yes. Thank you. One of my buddy old pals, one of my fucking great mentors, fucking legend of the store.
Can I ask a question to this audience because when you were talking back stage, I heard you talking about how stupid this audience is and I think you're like, who here likes to fuck? Yeah, thank goodness for that. They do, they do like to fuck here. Don, you've been a guest multiple times.
We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We're going to watch comedians together. Oh, D-Man is on a 25 second delay there. Holy shit.
Okay, thank you. All right. So over 200 people signed up for tonight's show. I pull a name out of it.
Here, Cammy, that's not fair. If I pull their name out of the bucket, that means they get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten? That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry west all they would bear, which is just loud and aggressive.
The kitty should be louder, but you know, we use a lever here that changes all the time instead of anything of any consistent stability whatsoever after 10 years in a month. So it's perfect. Yes, the louder different cat sound that isn't the actual cat sound, always gets that much of a laugh when he does it. There you go.
But that's as loud as it gets. That's as loud as that small as kitten gets. Maybe we can make some adjustments for next week. Nope.
That's a different cat. Red band. That's a different cat. Okay.
I guess we'll just keep everything meaty oaker as possible. I love it. Great stuff. This is my business partner for over 10 years, everyone.
All right. Now we could start the show with one of these bucket pools, but instead we have a regular on the show named Hans Kim, but in an unbelievable turn of events, Hans Kim. Texted me yesterday. Yesterday saying, Tony, I'm not going to be able to make it tomorrow.
One day before the show. Yes. The airlines are shut down. I'm stuck in New Jersey.
I can't make it to the show. I'm like, what, what airport? Newark airport? He's like, yes.
He's like, all flights are canceled because of weather. I go to high Google flights out of Newark and click news on Google. There's no news. So then I look up flights Newark to Austin for that day.
Everything's on time. Everything's running fine. So I take a screen grab of that. I send it to him.
He's like, no, that's not actually how it is. Because he's that crazy or hopped up on drugs that he literally thinks that I don't know how flights work. Because he's been flying for a year or two. He must be the master of how flying works that may perhaps the internet has not caught up yet to what's going on in Newark.
So I argued with him back and forth saying, you know, if you don't make it, you're going to get challenged next week again because I stop having him challenge for his regular ship position. I don't know how many were caught up on the storyline here, but there's a lot of shit going on to push Hans to the absolute limit. We've been having him fight for his life and have to have a better minute than somebody else or the other person who comes to the new regular on the show, which means they get to do a new minute every week, which means they create their own fan base. They sell out tickets on the road, but Hans has been defending his throne.
But it turns out he indeed did not make it here tonight. So next week, he will be challenging for his regular ship and in his place. Ladies and gentlemen, Golden Ticket winner, Young Bach from Houston, Texas, makes a noise. This is a brand new minute from in Huriget, Checkone.
Yo, yo, yo, what's up motherfuckers? Hell yeah, man, I like partying with white dudes, man. They're always down to get fucked up, you know what I mean? Especially the ones with green hair, you know they got good weed, bro.
So we were hanging out with some white dudes before party and for fun, they decided to go feed vegan tacos to the homeless people downtown. And if I had, I'm like, yo, they're homeless, y'all. They smoke crack, dude. They don't give a fuck about being vegan.
They just want to know who was your dicks up for 20 dollars, which I do. I think that's a really good deal. So we were downtown feeding these homeless people, these diarrhea tacos, right? And it turns out that shit is illegal, y'all.
The police rolled up and man, dude, I know what's gonna get fucked up because he took off his body camera. Connor was getting reordicted. Choke, you know, knee off his fucking neck, bro. I'm back in the way.
The officer's approaching me, y'all. I'm getting scared and he's just going, hey, are you with them? Are you with them? And I was like, oh, no, officer, I'm homeless.
I just want to know who was your dicks up for 20 dollars. So they arrested me for prostitution. All right, there you go. Minute 15 seconds from Enrique Chacon.
We let you go there. Respect for the reigning defending gold ticket winner of Killtony. How you feeling, Enrique? I feel fucking great, y'all dude.
They just gave me another fucking promotion of that bucky, son. That's true. He does work at bucky's. That's the world's greatest gas station.
Don, you ever been to a bucky's? I've never been to a bucky's. I just remember. But before the show, we're up there and you're throwing shit around, like crazy making noise.
Yeah, he was causing a little bit of a stir up in the green room. That is true, Enrique. Tell the people what you did. I was looking at some alien shit, bro, because it looks so fucking dope, dude.
Like I said, I used to be an art teacher, bro. So I'm looking at this shit like damn, bro. This is way better than all those fucking children pieces, dude. And then I like that shit over dog.
Fuck it, dude. Did he just squeeze in a bit there after his time was over? That's why I was interested, you know, because there's an art figure. I used to be an artist before comedy, you know?
Fuck, yeah. So Enrique, what's been going on since the last time you were on the show? Well, man, I'm watching. You know how many homeless blowjobs you could get for $1,800?
You could get your chihuahua bit by a real rattlesnake, you know what I'm saying? 90. God damn. 3600.
3600? No, it's 90. Holy fuck. I think you multiplied instead of divided, Don.
Yeah, I'll fight anybody in here. Fuck you. I'll meet you in the back. If you're bigger than me, I'll bash a brick on your fucking head.
I love it. Enrique, what else is going on? Your love life's good. I met your lovely lady after the 10-year anniversary episode.
Yeah, man. We just walked out looking like a lesbian couple together. It is true. She's 6'2", like I said, like I'm not lying.
You know what I'm into? Yeah. You guys look like the number 10 when you're with each other. It's incredible.
She's neat, but really true. She is a line and you are a ball. Just a round son of a bitch. You look like one of those street soccer balls that poor Mexican kids make out of like tin foil and paper.
Damn. Like Chupacabra Goldpued over here. That's fucking guy. The director from the movie Wendy.
How many of you have seen the movie Wendy City he by the way? You sons of bitches. That's I've done it before last time. It was a wild push for it.
I'm going to do it again. Every Kiltony fan gets a homework assignment this week. That is go watch Wendy City Heat. I feel like the best place to see it is on YouTube.
Yeah, it's on YouTube, right? Yeah, it is. And so watch it on YouTube. Set it on your thing to watch after the show perhaps.
And also take note of when it was made and the cast and the characters because it was so far ahead of its fucking time to think that that was one of the first ever reality slash prank anything. Can I just check out my Instagram? I have a lot of dick pics, okay? Yeah.
Get a lot of likes. Enrique, you got the show started today. You showed everybody how the format works. Thank you so much.
It's not easy. A new minute all the time. One of the newest residents in Austin, Texas. Okay, now here's a little fun fact for you.
You remember I pulled a name out of the or I accidentally dropped a name out of the bucket earlier and then I put it back in and I stirred the bucket around a fucking ton of times. But I looked at it before I put it back in and the name that I pulled out is that exact name. So this person, whatever's about to happen, is supposed to be on this stage tonight. The odds of that I think are one in like 400.
Yeah, there's 200. Yeah, or maybe he would say 6000. But I mean, fuck you, fuck you. Make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night.
We're going to meet them all together. Seabass, metar, everybody. Seabass, metar, and I pre-pulled the next name. What up, what up, what up, my name is Seabass, y'all.
That's a nickname. It's not a real name, okay? It's a philosophy. It's an acronym.
It's a way of life, okay? Seabass, it's spelled C-B-A-S. And it stands for can't buy anything expensive. Nah, I know who's not Latino because you guys are like, what?
Expensive, you didn't say it right? Bitch, I know, I can't afford the vow. It's what I'm trying to tell you. The last dude you want to see on Wheel of Fortune.
Can I get a vow? No, okay, uh, expensive. Spensive it is. Can't buy anything expensive.
It's a way of life, okay? When I go to the movies, I'm using coupons. I'm using the fucking gift cards. Me and my wife are going to the Dollar Tree before the movie.
You know what I'm talking about? Ladies, we carry a little ass clutch. They all ass at home. We want the girls with the beach bag.
But fuck you're going to sneak in with a clutch. Eminem's fuck out of here. Me and my girl, we watching Despicable Me. We got the wine tail, the yellow tail, the big one, $12, drunk as fuck on a Sunday.
Talking about, I thought we were watching the Minions. Am I right? All right, y'all, thank y'all so much. I'm Seabass, Matar.
Seabass, Matar. Yes, sir. Thank you for the show, Seabass. Absolutely a pleasure.
Is that really how your name is spelled? No, my real name is Sebastian. Everyone just called you Seabass. I'm Hispanic, so Seabass.
Okay, you're Mexican? Cuban, Tulano. But hey, in Texas, what was the second thing? Tulano, Tulano, Tulano.
Michael, what does that mean? My girl, Tulano, Tulano. Tulano, Tulano, Tulano. Okay, I should've known that.
I thought it was Chilean. That's how we say it in the greatest country on planet Earth. Hey, hey, listen. I was born here my friend, okay?
Yeah. 100% citizen. Yeah, I don't understand. Anybody who says that, I don't believe it.
You know who I've never heard say that? A white person? A guy wearing a shirt like that? I was born in America.
Like, not a believable thing. How long have you been going to stand up, Seabass? Please tell me less than two months. Not about six years.
Oh, fuck. Yeah, about six years. Oh, man. Oh, shit.
Yeah, it's happened. Wow, incredible. Where have you been doing this for six years exactly? So I started off in Miami, and then I've been out here for about a year and a half, give or take.
Wow. And how's it been going out here? It's going, you know? It's going slowly but surely.
Oh, you're doing it? Can't buy anything expensive. More like, more like can bomb all sets. You're not that great at this.
Oh, yeah, absolutely. Okay, we're working on it. What do you do for work? I'm a server bartender at a restaurant.
How old are you? 29. 29 years old, serving in bartending. What's your living situation?
I live with my wife. Oh, okay. You know, she must, she's not my sugar one, but she must blend them on. Okay, she keeps you warm since you're so chilly.
What does she do? Ah, she's a wedding planner and a gun planner. Okay. Okay, Hispanics love weddings.
She's a Hispanic too. 100% Cuban. 100% Cuban. 100% Cuban.
100% baby. Oh, shit. Oh, wait. She put mustard on your dick and then suck it off.
You know. Cubans like mustard. No, we don't. I don't know.
Yeah, they do. Listen, have you ever had a Cuban sandwich? Motherfucker, have you had a Cuban sandwich? Fuck out of here.
Yeah. Oh, D madness is in the conversation. And taste is like a big deal to him. There's mustard on Cuban sandwiches.
Oh, there it is. Yeah, you guys say I'm fucking out on my dick though. 100%. My wife would not put much on my dick.
All right, all right. What is the most exciting thing she's ever done to you in the bedroom? Oh, no, I'm a gentleman. I'm about to say that aloud.
No. What the fuck are you telling? What show do you think you signed up for? I'm fucking married.
I'm married. No, I'm not going to put my ring doesn't even fit you. Why is it so loose? Who's fucking ring is that over there?
Oh, man. Okay, go on, man. Okay, go on, man. Who's ring is that?
It's all right. All right. Fucking Cubano-Shmi-golo right here. Why are you so mad about love, Tony?
Why are you so mad about love? Not about love. What the fuck are you talking about? You're only about the ring.
Your ring doesn't fit. Okay. And if it doesn't fit, you know. Okay, tell us.
Do you have any special skills or talents? We saw you talking about it. No, no, no, no. Come on, there must be something.
You ever win a competition? You ever have a news article written about you and then local newspaper? No, I never, nothing like that. No.
Anything? You good at anything? Cooking? I like cooking.
Okay. That was my first interest, but you know. Okay. Cooking.
All right. Yeah, going all six years. Why do you think your minute was so ineffective tonight if you've been doing it six years? If we could look, if we could get your report on why you think it didn't go good.
I don't know. I just, I think I did well. I'm not gonna front like I felt like I did. Okay.
I'm not gonna sit here. So you got a question. Breaking news. Definitely not.
Definitely not a question. Hold on. Breaking news. This is CNN, the Cuban news network.
Six out of 10. Six out of 10. Maybe. Maybe he's on the scene.
Our field reporter thinks he did good. Everybody. Wow. What do you think your best short joke is?
What do you think is? Did you do it? Was it in that minute? No, no, it definitely was.
It definitely was. I want to know what you think. Six years in the game. I want to see what your best.
I'm going to let you do one more quick joke. It's got to be less than 20 seconds. You got one of those, right? Uh, let's fucking hope.
Quick joke. All right. Now we're just going to stay in the pocket here. Why do Cubans talk so loud?
Why? They still got salt water in their ears. Oh shit. All right, my friend.
You're leaving here with a little joke book and a gel blaster. Congratulations. Make some good. See bass and guitar everybody.
These people trying their best. They moved to Austin. Everybody's trying to fucking make it. Everybody's trying to get a shortcut.
And they're not even willing to tell us the craziest thing their wife does to them. He said, I can't do that. I'll marry. That's when you can do it.
That's for life. If it was a girlfriend two weeks in, I'd say you might be right. Maybe you shouldn't tell us. Son of a bitch.
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Make some noise for your next bucket poll. We're going to meet them all together. Anything can happen. You guys having fun?
All right. Make some noise for Chris Beasley everybody. Here we go. Chris Beasley.
Oh, I'm happy to be here. Mainly because my wife's not here. Yeah, she's at home where she should be. Not like that.
I live in San Francisco. Pay 40 million dollars in rent. Someone better be home. Originally from Texas with the Catholic school in Texas.
Serious one. My principal was a pedophile. I was in office a lot. It's okay.
It's okay. He didn't touch me. He was racist. Amen.
Well, he will guess lower next to no racism. Say Joe ass. Literally. I'm here for it.
I'm here for it. Some people get uncomfortable with that joke because you realize the white kid has got special treatment. They did. Tell me a valuable lesson.
White privilege can't be tough. Some of y'all have to clinch. Just kidding. Yeah.
I mean, I can end it right there. That's fine. We have a good time. That was great.
Chris Beasley. Absolutely. I like your fucking style. Came in guns of blazing.
Said his wife's at home where she belongs. And not afraid to make the wife at home mad. I love it fearless. Chris Beasley.
How long even when stand up? We're at four years. Four years. That's what a person at four years should fucking be like.
Abs of fucking losing. We're at here in Austin. I started in Dallas. Moved to San Francisco in 2020.
And then I don't count 2020 because that kind of work. But you know. So when in 2020 exactly did you decide to move to of all places? San Francisco.
I have to know what you would leave Dallas. You left Dallas in the year 2020. Yeah. Can I hope and pray that it's January?
March 13th. Oh my god. Oh my god. That's like the weekend.
Yeah. That's like the main weekend where people are like, Wait, what? We don't have to what tomorrow? We don't have to go to work.
Wait, what? The flights were already booked. I didn't know. That is unbelievable.
So let's go through it beat by beat because this is fucking amazing, man. March 13th, I remember. That was like, I did. I was the last performer at the La Jolla Comedy Store before the pandemic.
And I think it was the 12th and the 13th and the 13th and the 14th. And then that week just everything shut down. I remember it very clearly. So how why did you plan on moving to San Francisco?
That's the better question. There's no pandemic yet. There's just talk about a people like there's something coming out of China. Everybody's like, no, there's not.
And then he got to this. No, I wish it was awesome. Well, I mean, it's an awesome reason. First off, my wife's super liberal.
Oh, shit. It's not I mean, I mean, this way, my wife is white. Her husband black. She's super liberal.
That's what I mean. And she works for Apple and she got a promotion and we got moved to headquarters. That's why we move. Shit.
Yeah. Damn. So there you go. All of a sudden you move there and then what happens.
So I quit. I was a teacher, quit, move there. I told her we shouldn't move because she's not going to make nearly as much because of taxes. She doesn't listen.
And we get there. We argue for about a year because the world shut down. Can't do comedy. I have no purpose.
I'm angry, depressed, yelling. So me and my wife have been on talk space for years. It's yeah. And they are the very best.
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I love it. So let's talk about more about Chris Beasley. Your set was fucking so entertaining. A rock solid four years.
So how did you catch up after the year off in San Francisco? I mean, grind. And so everybody was flattened. Right.
So I could work with some of the comments I've been doing in 20 years and obviously other open mikers. And so I just put my head down trying not to be upset and depressed for a year. Just grind it. And I now am a host at the improv there.
I love it. I grind it. I work at three of the clubs. But that's the most prestigious one.
Dang it. Yes, sir. Dang it. Dang it.
Dang it. Dang it. Dang it. Dang it.
Dang it. Dang it. Dang it. Dang it.
Dang it. Dang it. Dang it. Dang it.
You guys don't even know what I'm talking about. It's the clips. Dang it. Dang it.
Dang it. I hate that I don't know enough hip hop. I am. I'm a little I might be a little more hip hop.
You got me. Yeah. I'm sorry. Black people if you hear.
And Black people. Black people if you're here. All you Black people out there. You know what I'm talking about.
Clip's grinding, right? You know the song that I'm talking about? Thank you. Don't.
Thank you brother. Hell yeah. You don't know. Christ.
Yes you do. How does it go? He doesn't know. It sounds like that's all right.
You know that song? Do you know what I'm talking about? There you go. There you go.
Who gives a fuck. We're way off track here. Christ. What do you think is the most interesting thing about you?
The pedophile joke's real. Oh wow. Yeah. Oh shit.
I had two encounters. I mean other kids did. I just had to school. Yeah.
But one of them, we actually were dating the same girl when it happened. Don, you ever had any experiences with any pedophiles? I know that you. What are you getting at?
I know. It's hard to be pedophiled when you're the pedophile. Oh, Tony makes a joke. Everybody laugh.
Fuck you man. I've never touched a kid in my life. He pricks. I've already got two guys who don't beat the fuck out of him.
This shows over. So I love it. Well, Chris, amazing stuff. Do you have any special skills or talents other than stand up comedian?
Dating. Yeah, I'm good at that. I mean, I'm married. I succeeded.
I think I'm done. Can you give us one of your tricks or tips to being a great data? Oh, bet, bet. OK.
First off, figure out what each of you provides. So do some Myers-Briggs. No astrology. That shit's bullshit.
Wait, what? Myers-Briggs? You know what Myers-Briggs is? No.
Y'all don't know what Myers- No, man. You didn't even know what Clips grinding was. It's one of the great hip-hop songs out of the 2000s. Yo, OK, this is dope.
OK, so year three is a bad idea. But for our anniversary, I gave my wife her Myers-Briggs score. Don't do that. Don't do that.
She was upset. Yeah, this is true story. Because we were struggling. Like, in relationships, you're three stuff.
And so we were struggling. We were getting mad at each other. I was like, look, I think I can solve this shit. Let me just look at us.