664. Comparison Is the Thief of Authenticity

Authenticity isn't about doing more; it’s about undoing everything that isn't actually you. In this high-impact episode, Lesley Logan sits down with author and keynote speaker Barb Betts to unpack one of the most overused buzzwords in personal growth. From getting pregnant at 17 to building a speaking career rooted in real connection, Barb shares how her hair loss journey helped her stop hiding and start showing up fully. Instead of trying to be more, start shedding the layers of protection that stall your growth. This conversation flips the script on self-doubt, turning it into a green light for the next best version of you.

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In this episode you will learn about:

• Authenticity as an undoing process of performance and protection.
• How your relationship with yourself impacts your ability to connect with others.
• Reframing comparison with curiosity to overcome social media envy.
• Overcoming imposter syndrome by embracing self-doubt as a growth signal.
• The VVR formula using visibility vulnerability and relatability to connect.

Episode References/Links:

• Barb Betts Website - https://www.barbbetts.com
• Barb Betts LinkedIn - www.linkedin.com/in/barbbetts
• Barb Betts Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/barbbetts
• The Relationship Advantage by Barb Betts - https://therelationshipadvantagebook.com
• You're Wrong About Podcast - https://beitpod.com/yourewrongbout

Guest Bio:

Barb Betts is a sought-after keynote speaker, CEO and relentless advocate for building businesses rooted in relationships. With over 20 years of experience, she blends authenticity and strategy to help professionals create lasting success while staying true to themselves. Known for her high-energy, transformative presentations, Barb has inspired audiences at events like LVMH, Thelios, Fidelity National, Inman Connect, and the NAR Annual Conference. 

As an entrepreneur and CEO, Barb equips leaders and business owners with the systems and strategies to leverage relationships for growth and success. Through her award-winning podcast, Relationships are Your Superpower®, she shows how trust-based connections lead to more referrals, loyal clients, and sustainable business models.

Outside of her work, Barb enjoys life in Southern California with her husband and two children, and can in her spare time, loves to travel, spend time with friends and family, and has never met a steakhouse she doesn’t like! 

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Episode Transcript:

Barb Betts 0:00  

What I know for a fact is when you choose authenticity, when you choose to show up real, relatable and human, I know for a fact you give others permission to do the same and that is the foundation of human connection, and that's how you build real relationships. When I chose to go through my hair loss journey, take my hair off on social media and show everybody my basically bald front of my head. I upleveled my relationships big time in ways I never could have imagined, because it turns out people want authenticity, they want humanity and it gives others permission to do the same with you, and that's how you create a real relationship. 

Lesley Logan 0:43  

Welcome to the Be It Till You See It podcast where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring. I'm Lesley Logan, Pilates instructor and fitness business coach. I've trained thousands of people around the world and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self-doubt. My friends, action brings clarity and it's the antidote to fear. Each week, my guest will bring bold, executable, intrinsic and targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and Be It Till You See It. It's a practice, not a perfect. Let's get started.

Lesley Logan 1:26  

All right, Be It babe, we're gonna talk about relationships, not like the romantic kind, but like relationships with our self. You've heard many Be It Pods be about get to know yourself. And so we're gonna talk about that in a deep, wonderful, tangible way. I actually think it's really great for all of us. I got, I have already have five things. I'm like, oh, I want to review that. Oh, I like that. Oh, I highlight that. Oh, that. I'm so glad I already do that, and now I know why I love it so much. So Barb Betts is our guest today. She's an author speaker and epic human you're gonna hear all about her, and I'm gonna let her tell you, because she's the best at it. So here's Barb Betts. 

Lesley Logan 2:00  

All right, Be It babe, this is gonna be fun, because I've known this woman for a few years now and been following her journey. And there's so many ways this conversation could go, because you are one of the most multifaceted humans I do know, but you are an expert at several things, and I wanted to bring you on to just wow our people in being it till you see it. So, Barb Betts, tell everyone who you are and what you rock at. 

Barb Betts 2:21  

Oh, Lesley Logan, it has been just so, you know, four years we've known each other. 

Lesley Logan 2:26  

That's crazy. It went by so fast. That would be faster than high school. 

Barb Betts 2:31  

I know that's funny. We were both part of a community that we met each other in, and I met you probably at one of my first events. So it has to be four years. So anyway, so my name is Bart Betts. I am from Southern California. I am a recovering real estate agent and broker who built a accidental speaking career while I was selling real estate, and that has transpired into me essentially stepping away from the industry. My husband now runs our sales team, and I now get to pursue my passion of being a thought leader in the world, of helping people build authentic, trust-based relationships with themselves and with others. 

Lesley Logan 3:08  

Which is what the world needs. Because I can't tell you how many inauthentic relationship-building like things are trying to come through my DMs. 

Barb Betts 3:16  

Oh yes girl oh yes. 

Lesley Logan 3:18  

I appreciate when people like, Oh, I forgot. We should talk. I think we have a lot in common. It's like, I don't know who you are, though. This scares me. You don't know how much you're scaring me right now. 

Barb Betts 3:29  

Correct. I cannot tell you how much I connect with that and how much it frustrates me. And I always tell people just continue to be cold in the DMS, and all you're going to get from me is I remove connection or block. So if that's how you want our relationship to go, then try it, because it works with me. 

Lesley Logan 3:44  

I know, I well, I used to tell people, and maybe we've talked about this before, but like, when I'm still I still tell people this, but when I first started business coaching for Pilate instructors, I was like, your business is with clients, is like dating. You would freak out if a guy at a bar, and I'm sorry this is gonna be more heterosexual, because that's the experience I have at a bar. A guy at a bar comes at you and tries to make out with you. But every time you come up, people with come take my class, buy my package, you are trying to make out with a stranger at a bar. You have to, you have to tell me my sweater looks nice. Flatter me a little bit. 

Barb Betts 4:18  

100% 

Lesley Logan 4:19  

Well, we're kind of skipping ahead. So okay, you actually, I love that you're a recovering real estate broker. I don't think we've ever had one of those before. But how did you get into this? Like, what was the journey? How did you discover that you were a thought leader here? Because it's not like, I mean, maybe you've always known you were when we were born that way, and, like, someone goes Barb Betts, you are the thought leader on this, but, I don't know. 

Barb Betts 4:40  

Kind of, what's crazy about this is so when I was like, as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be a teacher. I would play school in my room, and my favorite place to go to get prizes or rewards was teacher supply store. 

Lesley Logan 4:56  

Oh, my God, I do love teacher supply, yes, that is the best store. 

Barb Betts 4:59  

So I would get grade books and seating charts, and I would put the mean people with the mean people because I didn't like them, and I'd give them bad grades, and I'd give the Lesleys of the world that I loved. I'd give them the good grades, and I would line up on my camera, scratch kid dolls, and I would teach them school. So I've always had the heart of a teacher. Frankly, I wanted to be a teacher my whole life. I would have been 100% a teacher, I'd probably be a principal right now, if it wasn't for the fact that I got pregnant at 17 years old. I talk about it very openly that that derailed my college opportunities. And back then, in the late 90s, there was no Zoom, there was no online classes, there wasn't any of that. And so how I ended up in real estate is a story that it would be boring to tell ended up in real estate. Got good at it. Was doing everything by relationship. And about 2011 I was in an office where everyone was taking note that my husband and I weren't doing door knocking and bus benches and grocery carts and all the other things that realtors are taught to do. And so they were like, Hey, can you teach us what you're doing? I was like, Sure. So I did a class, and I'll never forget, a woman in her 70s came up to me, she looked me dead in the eye, kind of rudely said, you should never go on a listing appointment another day in your life. You should do this for the rest of your life. And I didn't think much of it then, but it has stuck in the back of my head. And so from there, Lesley, it just snowballed. I just kept doing more classes and more classes that led to stages, that led to bigger stages, and that led to me truly not believing but understanding and feeling the itch and the need that I do have thoughts, I do have ideas that can help people. I have a gift on stage, which not everybody does, and I need to pour into that, lean into that and move into this new next chapter of my life. 

Lesley Logan 6:44  

Wow. First of all, thank you for taking us on the journey of how when that was because I think some people would go, Oh, look at Barb Betts. It happened in like, three the four years that they've known each other, you know, like, like the year before they met, she figured this out, she taught a couple things, and now she's a paid speaker. Like, everything starts back with and I have a similar story where somebody told me, like, they asked me a question, how are you doing what you're doing? Because whatever you're doing is different than the that the norm is doing. And you all like, for me, I love that your reaction is, like, kind of rudely. I remember thinking I was in trouble. Which is clearly an insight to the psychology of an oldest daughter. But like, I thought I was in trouble. Like, like, they're like, the way they asked, How are you doing this did not seem like they were excited about what I was doing. I had to sit there for a second realize, oh, they actually just want to know. I'm not in trouble. 

Barb Betts 7:31  

They're actually curious. Yeah, they're not, they're not putting you down, yeah. 

Lesley Logan 7:35  

Yeah. So then so and I say, I highlight that, because for everyone listening like there are things that you are so good at, but because it's normal for you, you don't see it as the strength right away someone has to tell you, and sometimes we're not listening to them, or we think we're in trouble, we're avoiding that information because it's scary. It would be like, I don't know. Like, owning that means changing what, how you do, what you do. Like, it's like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go in this lane now that'd be really scary. 

Barb Betts 7:58  

It was. It was really scary. And, you know, frankly, how it all happened. It was about four years ago when we met, is when I made the decision that my husband and I have ran this great real estate company for so long, but real estate's getting real scary. And I, if you don't know anything about real estate, you know, we just went through these huge lawsuits and all this other stuff, and I was kind of at the table for a lot of those conversations, and I knew how bad things really were, and I knew how much our industry was going to change. And I kind of thought to myself two things. One, I'm not fulfilled anymore. Just, I hate to say just, going on listing appointments, working with buyers, it just doesn't fulfill me the same way it used to. And then the second piece to that was, I am concerned that all of our income is in one basket, and if the bottom falls out of the real estate industry again, then we're screwed. And so how do I diversify my income and follow my passion? And so it was scary, because I was and then what were my clients going to think, and was my husband still going to have enough business? And I was the one that started our real estate you know, I was 23 years he's 19, but I was the face of the company, the face of the team. So like, will he still generate enough business without me helping him? All those things were super scary. Well, it turns out, fast forward, he's a better realtor than I ever was, and although he is completely different than me, he still gets the same thing accomplished. So it all worked out, and I'm doing what I love, and he's crushing, you know, his side of the world. And I still help in the real estate business. I still run our team and train and teach and all that kind of stuff, but my day to day, full time role is putting good thoughts and ideas out into the world and inspiring others from stage.

Lesley Logan 9:34  

So let's talk about those good thoughts and ideas because, and we kind of alluded to at the very beginning, we were talking about these DMs. You talk about authentic, like building authentic relationships and at the time I'm recording this you guys, which is, you know, a little bit before this comes out, I ran, I was at a real estate event. That's not a real estate event. It was a tequila tasting event, which, like, hello, I'm tequila. I'm in. I have liked, I want to do tequila sommelier. That is my next dream. If you if I disappear from this earth, I'm probably learning tequila you guys. So just know that. So I'm at this tequila event, and it's basically the way that he builds relationships, friendships, connects with people, and that's he's like, I don't do any of the things. This is how I do it. I had no idea what he does actually like until the day. But at any rate, I ran into a friend who I've known since, like, 15 years ago in LA, she and I both moved to Vegas, didn't know it, because, like, where we used to cross paths had changed, so I got to have, like, a sit down coffee date with her, and we're talking about how hard it is as an adult to build good friendships, great friendships. And I don't have children, so I don't even have the excuse of running into parents I may or may not, like, like, I have to just, like, look around a coffee shop and wonder, like, is that a future person for me, but in, everyone who's listening here, most every business requires good, authentic relationships, most hobbies, most like, fulfillments in life doesn't matter. So we can go business or personal, but like, everything kind of, I think, plays into the same thing. The authentic relationships are what make this world go round. How do we do that? 

Barb Betts 11:06  

Yeah, great, great question. So, you know, one of my biggest mantras is in life is to have a real relationship with anyone else, you first have to have a relationship with yourself. I think the biggest problem we have in life is we're trying to build relationships with others, and we don't even know who we are. And so when we show up to these relationships, when we show up to these conversations, we're being fake, and we're trying to people-please, and we're trying to make the other person like us by not being who we really are. And when that happens, they're building a relationship with an inauthentic version of you. I like to say something to the effect of relationships are a mirror of yourself. You are only capable of building a relationship with someone else to the capacity you have one with yourself. So like what you see in you is what you will attract in others. And until we clean up the relationship with ourselves, we can't build one with anybody else. 

Lesley Logan 11:57  

Oh, Barb. 

Barb Betts 12:00  

It's the truth. I learned it the hard way. And then when I when I talk about this, I also stand on stage and tell people that this version that you are seeing up here right now, I was not this version five years ago. And so this is not something that I'm telling you. Everyone knows when they're 25 years old, absolutely not. But can 25 year olds learn it a lot sooner than potentially you and I have? Absolutely. I think problem is we have to have the courage to do it. 

Lesley Logan 12:22  

Yeah, because I do think I appreciate you saying that like I think the older we get, the harder it is to kind of unpack the different masks we might have been wearing, some of us wearing because maybe we have a neuro divergence. And so we think we need to have those masks. Some of them are learned because of how we're grown up. And so then you have to unpack that and also recognize how long you've been carrying it. And then you have to get to know yourself. And that's so hard. Every time I hear like, getting to know yourself, I think of runaway bride when Julia Roberts is trying to figure out how she likes her eggs. Like, I think that's the perfect example of like, I don't know, do I like? 

Barb Betts 12:56  

Well, this is so I always tell people I have, like, a big beef with the word authenticity, and yet that's what I speak on. I have a beef with this word because it's the most overused under explained word ever. It was Merriam Webster's word of the year in 2023 yet everyone has a different definition of it. The problem with the word authenticity is people think authenticity means throwing up your life on somebody. And I always say that's called oversharing. That is not authenticity. So one of the things you you said it in a different container a second ago, is, I'm so tired of this mantra of people telling people, and in self-help books and on Instagram posts and everywhere else, just be yourself. Just be authentic. And my question to audiences is, do you even know what that means? Do you even know what it means to be yourself. And the problem I have with the word be is, be is very performative. What do you want to be for Halloween? What do you want to be when you grow up? It's futuristic. It's performative. It's not real. It's not in real time. And so what I teach audiences is, what helped me tremendously, is reframing this conversation around authenticity and giving it not necessarily a new definition, but a new action to get there. And so what I've come up with, what I've used, what I've seen in my own life, is that authenticity isn't about doing anything. Authenticity is about undoing everything that isn't you and you said it right? Layers of performance, layers of protection, the masks we've been wearing, the perfect mom title, the perfect friend title, the perfect Pilates instructor, title all of these titles and things that we've been told we have to be so we try to be them, but we're really not them, or we're not them in the way that someone else wants us to be so how do we start undoing these things that have been holding us back? And for me, personally, it to, you said it, mine started on the playground when I was a little girl. I was overweight, I was not cute. I had coke bottle, thick glasses, I had braces. I had like five strikes in the you're the left out weird kid department. 

Lesley Logan 15:01  

Barb, we and I, we would have been friends. 

Barb Betts 15:03  

I was lonely. I was sat by myself, ate lunch by myself more times than I can count. I was also an old child, so I didn't go home to a bunch of, you know, siblings running around. And so what I always tell people is I became a professional on the playground of fitting in. I became a professional at turning myself into whatever someone else wanted me to be, to be their friend. Problem with that is that eight year old little girl never put those masks down. I kept wearing them my whole adult life. And that's the problem. We don't have enough courage or self-reflection, to sit back and go, you know, is this really how I want to show up in the world? Because you know what it is deep down inside, everybody does. And if someone has to tell you what it is, that's not authenticity, because that's someone else's opinion, right? So. 

Lesley Logan 15:56  

Well, I had perm bangs, just just the bangs part.

Barb Betts 16:01  

Just the bangs. 

Lesley Logan 16:02  

And and I will say, like, I love that I wore a flower girl dress to school one day. But also, I'm sure that's the day that people are like, well, that's like, you guys a big it's I went to school in the 80s. So this would have been '88, '89 a pink, like pink, big dress with the big bows, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And I know I looked good and I had tennis. I was Punky Brewster before it existed. But for sure, for sure, so I know that's what changed, and now that's why I wear, you know, tool now. 

Barb Betts 16:40  

Oh my gosh, yeah, I I love it. I put a picture up on the screen of me, and I always give the audience a second to realize that is me circa 1986 because they're literally looking at the picture and looking at me like, there's no chance that's her. Because some people are like, Oh, your childhood wasn't that bad. You weren't and then they see a picture and they're like, my my friends, when I show them the picture, I'll just pull it out at dinner, and they pee their pants, and these are friends that have been friends of mine for 20 years, and they're like, no chance that's you. Like, yeah, it is. 

Lesley Logan 17:13  

So I want to, so, okay, we have to do the undoing. We have to, you know, really, truly find what authenticity is within ourselves, and I do. I'm with you, by the way. Okay. Side note, there was a podcast that did the war on dictionaries, and if you it's you're wrong about podcasts, you guys, that came out last year, you have to listen to it, because it's about why Merriam Webster became the dictionary that we all buy. It's so fascinating. I mean, who knew that could be fascinating? This whole book about it, at any rate, because I feel like authenticity is like an umbrella term for, like, vulnerability and all these different things. So you hit all that. So okay, and you mentioned that our relationships are a mirror of ourselves, so they can only go as deep as we can go as deep with ourselves. In the undoing does does that and making really? Does that make it easier to make new friendships? Does that make it hard to let go, because now I feel like you have to let go of other relationships like, and you're a relationship expert. Should we be letting go of people? 

Barb Betts 18:08  

Well, if they truly don't fit who you really are, right? If you truly are not being yourself with them, and then when you are yourself with them, if you're not accepted, not appreciated, not felt loved, then absolutely there are friendships and relationships that I realized I was carrying on to because I thought they were the cool people to be with. And it turns out that they're really not, and they don't love me for who I really am, or my voice or my opinion. So I share it in a simple formula, and we don't have to get deep into each one of them, but I'll just give you the high level of the three things. There's lots of things you can do to start unraveling, but the three things that like changed my life the most that I feel like are the three that most specifically women deal with, men too, but really women, the first is to stop hiding, right? Because I always say, when you hide who you are, you limit who you can become. And I have a whole hair loss journey that you know very well. I wear wigs full time, and that's really what transformed my life is when I was going through this hair loss journey, and about five years ago, I decided to rip the band aid off. I was told my hair is never coming back by a very well-respected hair surgeon, and I decided to transition to human hair wigs, came out publicly on social media about it, changed my life. And that's how I know when you stop hiding behind who you really are, right, you can become who you're really designed to be. The second piece that I always talk about is we have to reframe comparison. I think comparison is the thief of authenticity, and I think it's the number one trap as adults, we get into. Social media, at your job, in your career, right? Some other Pilates owners doing better than me. I hate them. Why can't I be like them? All of the things? So when I say reframe comparison, what I mean is, instead of comparing yourself to someone else, instead, come from curiosity, like, they are showing you the path to success. They're showing you that you can do it. You just have to do it in your own way. And get curious about what are they doing? What's their background? What season of life are they in? Maybe you're not in that same season. Like you just said, you don't have kids. You can get in a van and travel the world. If another Pilates owner or, you know, instructor is comparing themselves to you and Brad's ability to do that, but they have three children at home. Guess what? You're running a race you can't win, but we still do it. You think, Oh, they've got it all together. Oh, they made the perfect lunch, or they did this, or they, you know, whatever, their top producer, and I'm not. And so reframe comparison with curiosity, and then the third, and people always think I'm crazy when I say it, until I unpack it, is we have to embrace self-doubt, right? We look at self-doubt and imposter syndrome as this negative feeling, and it's not. Self-doubt, I believe, is the space where your confidence is actually born, right? If you don't have some kind of doubt, you're not going anywhere. We all have it. And if you tell me you don't have doubt, I would argue that you're not being authentic, right? Imposter syndrome, right? I'm so tired of imposter syndrome being put in this container as you're a fraud or you're a fake. Imposter syndrome is simply a sign you're growing, you're stepping into some new version of you, right? It's like we have to look at these as green lights, not stop signs, and we have to push through them, because that is how you build confidence from the inside. It's not given to you. It's truly built by you stepping into these new containers that you need to be in, new rooms you need to be in new opportunities, new everything. And so I think those are the three biggest things that I help people with, is really breaking through those. And when you do those, when you stop hiding, you're breaking down your walls, right? When you learn to turn comparison into something positive, you rewire your brain. You're looking at it as like envy and as success, and I can do that. And then when you embrace self-doubt, right? You're taking something that's completely normal, and you're stepping through it, which is how you, how you, I believe, break through the walls. 

Lesley Logan 22:01  

I couldn't agree more with all that. I actually like the one reason I think I love that Pilates is in my life as long as it is, no matter what facet it's become, it's because it's a way that I'm allowed to be curious in my body, right? Like, like, why is this exercise so hard today It wasn't hard yesterday? Like, it's a way to practice curiosity, which is something that like, for better, for worse, the way the education system was when I was growing up, you're not curious. You memorize and you get the answer right, or you get it wrong. So I it's taken as an adult, this way of practicing being curious, because that's not something that's natural for me. I want to highlight the self-doubt thing, because I think that is so good, because I would be like, with this imposter syndrome. I remember Seth Godin going, Yeah, well, if you're new at something, of course you're going to feel that because you're new. And it's like to me, I just tell people, congratulations, you're not a narcissist. A narcissist will never feel that way and the way that you just said it. It's so funny, because I didn't realize I have a process. I will come up with an idea. I will then have self-doubt. I have to go through that so that I can go, Well, what am I doubting about it? How do I either get rid of that or, like, learn the thing I need to learn, or research the thing I need to do, whatever I've got this project that I'm working on this year. And of course, as soon as I said I want to do it, I immediately was like, who am I to do this? What, like, Well, how would I solve that problem? How do I solve that problem? And in going through the self-doubt questions, I can figure out the things, and now I have even more confidence in the thing that I'm doing, because I went through the things that I was doubting and explored what that was. And I think that your positive reframe. I think every single person, if they can go, Oh, I feel like that's a load off of your shoulders right now, I feel free. 

Barb Betts 23:37  

It is, well, you said it, right. Okay, so when you feel the doubt and you truly don't know how to do something, or don't know, then you get help, shore up your weaknesses, pull in people around you, or truly understand you have been you have been gifted this opportunity. You've been invited into this room, whatever it may be, because someone else, or the universe, God, whoever, sees something in you that you can't see in yourself yet. But if you don't embrace that and you hold yourself back, you're not going to go anywhere in life, right? You tell me, you show me any successful person that you put on a pedestal that you think has never doubted themselves. The difference is, they know they're imperfect. They know they're going to make mistakes, and they choose to show up anyways, right? Think about Gary Vee. Everyone worships Gary Vee. Gary Vee is amazing, right? He's up on this world level that so many of us are like, Oh my god. Started out selling wine on the internet, on YouTube, you think he knew what he was doing? Absolutely not, right? You think he was comfortable in video? Go back and watch him. He was not, right? He did it anyways, and he was okay with showing up. Clearly, he's very authentic and does whatever he wants to do, but people love him for it. So when you you mentioned earlier like this whole like leaving people behind, and what do we do? And does it change who we are? It absolutely does. It 100% does. But what I know for a fact, because when you choose authenticity, when you choose to show up real, relatable and human, I know for a fact, you give others permission to do the same, and that is the foundation of human connection, and that's how you build real relationships. When I chose to go through my hair loss journey, take my hair off on social media and show everybody my basically bald front of my head, I upleveled my relationships big time in ways I never could have imagined. Because it turns out, people want authenticity. They want humanity, and it gives others permission to do the same with you, and that's how you create a real relationship. 

Lesley Logan 25:42  

Yeah, oh, I got chills. I I think that's so interesting that we we fear losing people by changing who we are, because we're becoming more of ourselves. We're, like, truly not just leveling up, because that can be a little masculine, but, like, I'll just say that leveling up ourselves, right? We're like, like, owning all the things about ourselves, owning our imperfections, owning our desires and all that. And other people will level up they'll be like, Oh my gosh, like, they're being pulled with you, and that requires and then some people won't. Sometimes those people just fall off. You don't even notice it. And they'll be like, Oh my God. I haven't talked to the person in a year, and that is a sign they let themselves go. They let themselves out the door. 

Barb Betts 26:27  

Yup, well, and I also always want to make sure that I give this footnote, because what I don't want people to think is, you know, there's a filter that you have to put yourself through. And I hate using the word filter, but it's the best way for people to understand, right? Because authenticity without this filter can be arrogance, can be a turn off. Because what I always say is, there's different rooms you're in. There's different relationships you have where you bring your authenticity to the table. And you can't bring your whole self everywhere you go. If you bring your whole self everywhere you go to a boardroom, versus maybe, how maybe you have a funny personality and you're a jokester that may be okay at home or around the dinner table with your friends, but it may not be appropriate in the boardroom with the senior vice president of your company. May not be into your jokes that day, right? So what I always say is authenticity with an emotional intelligence lens, being aware of who's around you. What environment are you in? What's appropriate, what's not is how you have influence in life. It's how you build these real influential relationships. Because I may have a political opinion, everyone has one, it may not be appropriate to talk about that with a new client, right? It doesn't mean I'm being inauthentic. It just means I'm choosing not to share that part of me with somebody. And so what I always say is the parts of you that you do bring have to be authentic. So like, you don't have to bring your whole self everywhere you go, the parts of you that are showing up have to be real, and they have to be authentic. 

Lesley Logan 28:07  

Yeah, I love that so much, because, like with the ADHD brain that I have, if I were to bring my whole self to every meeting, people would not be able to follow along. 

Barb Betts 28:18  

Correct, 100%, like, you're authentic. You just said, I have ADHD that's being authentic. Yeah. 

Lesley Logan 28:25  

Yeah. So I and like, I think, like, it's having that okay, so in this space, this is how I can at least, so, okay, right? There was all the ADHD that you just experienced, because my brain went to three places being able to say, Okay, I'm aware that I'm going to be going in a different direction where this conversation is going. I promise it's going to circle back, because my brain is going to get us there. But yeah, I have to know that. And if I, if I mask that, then probably the best ideas are going to come for me, because that's what I'm good at. But also I'm not going to share the four other thoughts that happened over here at the same time. 

Barb Betts 29:00  

Correct. Yes, yes. You know what it is. You know, some people have quirks. Some people have things about them that are, you know, appropriate for, again, your friends at the bar, but they're not appropriate for the boardroom or for the sales call or for the Pilates class while you're teaching, or, you know, things like that. So I think it's just understanding that what can't happen is you masking and pretending to be somebody or something you're not. That's what can't happen that people can smell and sniff out right away. 

Lesley Logan 29:30  

Yeah, they can. And I and to go back to, like, this whole thing, like, it doesn't matter what the relationships are for, whether it's because you want a partner or you want a best friend, or you want a dog walking buddy, or you want, you know, to get a sale out of someone, you have to bring the authentic parts of yourself to that experience so that they can also make the correct decision as well. 

Barb Betts 29:52  

Yes, because you don't want people that want to be friends with the not real you. Because then that's why your relationship never goes deep. That's why you never feel connected. That's why you never feel excited about seeing them. All of those should be clues that either you're not showing up real or they're not the real friendship for you, and not everybody is going to be your friend, not everybody is going to have a relationship with you, and that is okay. I promise you, the real people that you are meant to be surrounded with will come out of the woodwork when you embody this, you know, authentic way of showing up in life. 

Lesley Logan 30:32  

Yeah, oh my gosh, I'm glad you highlighted it's okay. Like, I grew up thinking like everyone needed to like me. Right? I like, how many people are, like, nodding their head, like grew up that ever needed to like me. And the reality is, is like, I that's not true, and also doesn't set you up for being able to be yourself in every room. And there's, I saw something that that I've quoted him many times, and so, just so you know, if you've ever heard me say, I don't I saw on a shirt or, like, a bag you could take the grocery store. It's, like, it said, not, it's, not everyone like me I'm not a taco. And, like, because there's all, there's a taco for everybody, and I'm just, but I'm not going to be everyone's taco. 

Barb Betts 31:11  

100% 100% Well, and, you know, and it's also, you know, again, we don't have to go down this rabbit hole, but we were talking about it earlier, about how do you build relationships with others? And so you have to show up authentic and real. But then I also believe there's three key factors to every relationship. So this might because I know we wanted to talk about, obviously, the relationship with ourselves, but how do we build these relationships with others? And so I'll share that the I created a formula, I wrote about it in my new book, that there's three things that have to be present always in order to have a real relationship. And these are the things I think people miss. And I don't care if this is sales, leadership, friendship, family, romantic, I don't care what it is they have to have these three things. And I call it the VVR formula, and it's visibility, vulnerability and relatability. You don't have those three things, you can't have a relationship, and it works with yourself too. So talk about visibility, right? You have to be present. You have to show up. When people are like, I don't have relationships that I want, I don't have friends, well, are you actually visible? Are you showing up? Are you present? And then when you are present, are you really present? Or are you on your phone, right? Like, are you at the cocktail party, networking and trying to meet people, or are you in your phone in the corner, right? Yeah. Then there's vulnerability. You have to have some level of vulnerability with every other human in your life, or you don't have a relationship, right? And vulnerability can be everything from just telling your team, you know, I don't know the answer to that, right? Or it can be, I don't like the new software either, that they're asking us to use, but guess what? It's what we've been handed and we have to learn it, right? Then there's all the way level of vulnerability, where you're sharing your deepest, darkest secrets with your best friends. I'm not sick, because when people hear vulnerability, they think, I don't want to be vulnerable. Well, you have to have some level of it, or you can't have a human relationship. And then the third is relatability, right? You have to have some point of connection. And this is the thing I think people force. I think people force this, right, if you do not have something that you can relate to each other on whether it be a favorite sports team, or you both love Pilates, or you both love wine or tequila, or you both love a certain sport, or you both have kids, you have to have some kind of relatability with another human. It's why, when you go to networking events and cocktail parties and everything else, and you know, you and I have been in these rooms where someone wants to be in your contact information, and you're like, nope, not saving that in my phone. Pretend I save it, but not saving it. It's because you had nothing in common when you had your conversation. If you did, you would have wanted to save that information and create a relationship. So when were talking about building relationships with others. I just want everyone to know that I believe if you focus on those three things, how can I be more visible? How can I be vulnerable, and how can I be relatable? You will create more relationships than you know what to do with them, if you want them. 

Lesley Logan 33:47  

Yes. And I also, I was just thinking like, you know, I have some friendships that the relatability changed during covid, they got they had a baby, I moved, all these different things. And so our friendships have changed. They didn't disappear, but we are finding new things to relate on, because the major things in our lives aren't relatable anymore. And so I think relationships can go through that. And if you really want them to stay, you find a new thing to be relatable on. 

Barb Betts 34:12  

100% or or visibility, which is also the proximity principle, which is also the law of propinquity. Try to say that 10 times fast. The law of propinquity basically says that the greater the physical or psychological proximity is between people, the greater the chance they'll have a relationship, right? So if you are not either physically or psychologically in someone's proximity, you're not going to have a relationship. So we wonder why in sales, our relationships drift away. Well, are you seeing them or marketing to them? Because if you're not, they're not coming back. Right. Are they showing up to class? If they're not showing up to class, you can't, but you can't have a relationship with them. So how do you get back in visibility with them? How do you get back in proximity with them? That's why it's first, because you're right. Relationships drift away, good or bad, for various different reasons. But if you want to bring it back to center, then get visible with somebody. Get vulnerable with somebody. Vulnerability can be texting Lesley and being like, Lesley, I miss you, I miss seeing each other in six months. I really miss you. Can we get together? That's being vulnerable because you're admitting I haven't been in touch with you. Right? And then relatability, finding a new point like to your like you just said, you have friends that all of a sudden started having kids during Covid, and you guys don't have kids, and so they're doing off all the little tiny kids stuff, and you and Brad aren't interested in guess what? That's normal. You don't have to be interested in little kids stuff, right? So that's creates a little bit of a relatability difference. But can you have a relatability on something else that you're both interested in?

Lesley Logan 34:15  

Yeah, I feel like I could talk to you for hours. We are going to take a brief break and find out where I can get your book, because obviously I my interest is piqued. There's going to be other things to go along with once we get the first step down, then there's the next steps. And so we'll take a brief break and find out and get those books. 

Lesley Logan 34:15  

All right. Barb, where? Where are your books sold? 

Barb Betts 34:15  

Books are sold everywhere. 

Lesley Logan 34:15  

What's the name of the book? 

Barb Betts 34:15  

The book is The Relationship Advantage: Unlocking the Life-Changing Power of Human Connection. Just look under the relationship advantage. Easiest way to find it, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Books a Million, as they say, with a deep commercial voice, everywhere books are sold. 

Lesley Logan 34:15  

Yes, well, we're gonna get your book because I definitely, I mean, I've over the four years, I need to know you in this topic. Like every time I hear you speak, I hear a different way of it going, and I think it's the way of the future, even if people think it's AI, it might be AI, relationships are gonna be the thing. Not everyone wants to play with your AI tool if they don't know who you are. 

Barb Betts 34:15  

Well, that's why I wrote the book, and I wrote it in three sections, and and just to give you the high level overview, it's the first section is all the relationships with yourself. The second section is, how do you build effective relationships with others? And then the third section is how relationships make an impact in your life. One chapter on sales, one chapter on leadership, one chapter on building community. And then the final chapter is how relationships are our legacy. 

Lesley Logan 34:15  

You're brilliant, and also, you know, you're you're, you're Barb Betts on the on the gram, correct? And on LinkedIn, and all the things? 

Barb Betts 34:15  

Everywhere grams are found. 

Lesley Logan 34:15  

Yeah, okay, you have actually given us so many tools. I feel like we could just, like, clip it and go, there's your Be It Action Items. But just in case, you have other things to add to that, bold, executable, intrinsic or targeted steps people can take to be it till they see it, what you have for us? 

Barb Betts 37:21  

I would say it comes down to the authenticity. It comes down to stop hiding, let your walls down, let people in. Admit you're not perfect. Admit where you're you know your vulnerabilities are. It definitely comes down to pay attention to how you feel on social media. Pay attention to what you're looking at, how you're comparing yourself to others. Really try to change that neuroscience in your head and reframe that into comparison. And I promise you, one of the things I tell people all the time is just DM somebody when you feel right, that that effort to compare DM Lesley and be like, Oh my gosh, your road show looks amazing. I'm so proud of you, even though you're looking at Lesley like, so successful. Everybody like her, right? And then the third, obviously, is when you next time you feel that self-doubt, friends, please look at it just in your head, think green light. Think green light. Think green light. That means put your foot down on the gas pedal and go. That is your clue to push harder, to go, to go do the thing, because it will change who you are.

Lesley Logan 38:17  

I love those. I love all of this. This whole conversation has lit me up. I'm so excited. You guys, please let Barb Betts know what your favorite parts were, what your takeaways were. If you were envious then you know what to do, she just gave you the tool to how to say that. Send this to a friend who needs to hear it. You know also it might that might even be a way of being vulnerable, like, hey, this really meant a lot to me. I think it could be really great for us both to figure this out. So I just think that there's so many different ways to take this. Go get Barb's book. I'm gonna get it wherever books are sold, and until next time, Be It Till You See It. 

Lesley Logan 38:48  

That's all I got for this episode of the Be It Till You See It Podcast. One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate the show and leave a review and follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to your podcast. Also, make sure to introduce yourself over at the Be It Pod on Instagram. I would love to know more about you. Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it. Help us and others Be It Till You See It. Have an awesome day. Be It Till You See It is a production of The Bloom Podcast Network. If you want to leave us a message or a question that we might read on another episode, you can text us at +1-310-905-5534 or send a DM on Instagram @BeItPod.

Brad Crowell 39:31  

It's written, filmed, and recorded by your host, Lesley Logan, and me, Brad Crowell.

Lesley Logan 39:36  

It is transcribed, produced and edited by the epic team at Disenyo.co.

Brad Crowell 39:40  

Our theme music is by Ali at Apex Production Music and our branding by designer and artist, Gianfranco Cioffi.

Lesley Logan 39:47  

Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals.

Brad Crowell 39:50  

Also to Angelina Herico for adding all of our content to our website. And finally to Meridith Root for keeping us all on point and on time.