A Better Way | Episode 223

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 223 entitled “A Better Way”. What if there was a better way to tell someone that they have hurt you?  What if you could start your own healing process when you've been hurt by a loved one?  What if there was something out there that you haven't ever considered that could help all of your relationships?There is a better way and you haven't heard of it.Pull up a seat at the table and join us!Seek Understanding* Introduce Seeking Understanding* Rather than forgiveness* It shows that you understand the impact of the hurt* It’s about them, not you* Cleans out the hurts and allows the relationship to move on* But what about when expressing a hurt?* Typical - when you did this it hurt me* No emotional need attached* No grace given to the offender* It’s, to some degree, selfish * It, in some ways, assumes the worst (or allows it) of the offender* It will probably cause the offender to become defensive* Which is why you get FLR* It leads to a back and forth, far from the resolve* What if there was a better way to approach this?* Seek to understand the offender* Express the hurt - When you did this it made me feel this way (express emotional need not met and or taken from you)* Remind them of who they are to you - “I know you love me and don’t want to hurt me.”* Ask them why they did what they did - “Help me understand why you did/said/didn’t do X that hurt me.”* Remind them that you value the relationship - “Our relationship really matters to me.  You matter to me.  I don’t want a misunderstanding to get in the way of that.* This sets the tone for the goal - the relationship* This sets the priority being finding and fixing the misunderstanding rather than assigning blame and demanding an apology* It VERY MUCH gives the person every shot at understanding your pain rather than defending their actions* Try hard to understand where they were coming from and why they did/said what they did* In other words, give them the benefit of the doubt* Remember, odds are they didn’t mean to hurt you* When you try to understand why they hurt you, it gives them the best opportunity to understand your hurts* Examples* Someone in ministry was hurt by my words* I didn’t know the whole situation at all* I wasn’t given the benefit of the doubt* I did apologize and sought  to understand but…* They weren’t interested in understanding me* I was left hurt in my* Respect - I wouldn’t hurt them in that way* Security - Everything was fine and not it’s not* Comfort - I was trying to help another situation which caused me to say what I said, now both situations are bad* Bella roommate situation* I didn’t seek understanding from THEM but I sought it* I was able to see that, perhaps, they weren’t horrible people* It didn’t diminish my comfort for Bella* It kept me from being more angry and hurting others* Potential problems* It doesn’t work - then the normal way wouldn’t either* You can’t understand why they said/did what they did - you’re still further along than before* You start to feel like the only one trying - you probably are the one most gifted in this ability, expect it Get full access to Lunchtime In Rome Podcast at www.lunchtimeinrome.com/subscribe