a bruise always heals.

you can always subscribe through my website and receive more accessible pricing, and get delivered the printed newspaper to your door :)when i’m absent from publishing on here, my mind never leaves. i’ve started this substack five years ago on new year’s! five years of reflections, musings, confessions and everything else that i let you be part of from my 16-21th years of life. october always makes me reflective.my years technically start in november. my years start over every month. every other week. i know time is made-up and non-linear. i can start over whenever.i dreamt of my ex recently. i was in his living room and my ex-best friend also happened to be there. the way it was mostly. i talked, but whenever i spoke up, it went unnoticed. i woke up feeling like i’m untrue, i’m cruel on recounting the memories of that short-lived relationship.but life keeps changing. things get more far away from each other with each minute. and memories grow into the shapes we choose to keep them. and everyone fucking does it. so why do i feel so guilty?tomorrow, a year ago, i’ve boarded my overseas flight to washington, dc.the rewinding of those memories is starting. a yearning for a plane to take me somewhere far away. the gratitude i’m trying to practice for the person i am gonna be this year on october 9, 2025.i’m in dire need for financial support at the moment. the amount of bills i’m hurriyng to cancel before being charged and the ones i totally didn’t account for. truth is that states trip made me terribly broke.lots of optimism and good thoughts were in that bonnie. she told everyone ‘i’m moving to paris next march and get three different jobs to be able to afford the city life’. so all my savings went into the “trip of my lifetime” everyone called it so sweetly. for me, it was more an “introduction” trip. entrance to what exactly?i’m still trying to figure that out.so for the last nine months, i have lived back at home, scratched a weekend trip now and then. truth be told though, my birthday trip shouldn’t have happened. i encountere very amazing people, but my battery was running on low mode the entire time. and after a year of five funerals, two other deaths, a breakup and dozens of friendship breakups that have knived my heart better than any romantic partner ever. frankly, you don’t fucking say!i’ve been reminiscing on that birthday trip, the 10 days in London, for this last week. maybe only the last 48 hours. regardless, i have thought a lot on it. i refuse to regret it. all my life i’ve tried to transform regret into a lesson, an eye-opening experience or a simple reversable mistake. that’s right. i believe those mistakes are all reversable, yes, they led me to where i am right now, they were never weird or “life-changing”.a bruise always heals.so does regret.once time passed for an unaccounted weight, it’ll melt with all the other candles of past lived moments.i wasn’t supposed to be in london on my 21st birthday. when i cried into my friend’s shirt sleeve at 5.30pm, that’s what it tried to tell me. and when the next morning, i laid on the floor of euston station. and when a conversation with a sweet old woman didn’t glow me up, i knew i wasn’t supposed to be there.and i still happened to be there. outside my friend’s workplace, confessing my heart’s complaints. on the mopped floor of euston station, without control over my body or mind. in the auditorium, listening carefully to the woman’s stories.and maybe my friend was glad that i was vulnerable with her, maybe i showed someone that they could survive whatever they were so worried about, maybe the woman hadn’t had someone listen to her talk in a very long while.maybe the nashville flight ads i kept seeing everywhere inside the london tube and around the boroughs i crawled through were a clear sign to finally go for it.that i don’t require a few years living in the european city of everyone’s dreams. that i don’t require to have slept around just to know what i want in love, agreed. that i don’t require to always be the one that keeps in touch, they can call too!? that i don’t require to be a certain way just to even allow myself to go for it. make a run for it. chase the life, the place, the person, the job, i want to live in.and maybe that’s exactly why i am where i am right now.I actually move to Paris now in less than a month, not as a requirement for my future life, but to live my future life. How so much can change in the time span of a very cold Winter. You wanna hear more from my future life, … This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit howdybonnie.substack.com/subscribe