A Letter to the Part of Me That Wants Allah and Doesn’t Want Him

This episode is for people who still want Allah, but feel hesitant, guarded, or resistant toward closeness — not because their faith is broken, but because closeness once came with pain.People often call this a “contradiction,” but it isn’t one. It’s a response. A memory. A nervous system protecting itself after pressure, shame, or fear became attached to faith.In this episode of Shifa Talk, we speak to the part of the self that still believes, still cares, still longs — and also pulls back. Not out of disbelief, but out of self-preservation. When prayer feels exposing instead of safe. When faith feels tense instead of grounding. When wanting Allah exists alongside hesitation and emotional fatigue.This is a letter written from inside the experience, not about it. It names what it feels like when religion becomes associated with scrutiny rather than support, correction rather than care, and expectation rather than mercy — and how that shapes the way someone relates to Allah.This episode does not rush resolution or demand clarity. It offers language for feelings many people carry quietly: wanting closeness without pressure, longing without fear, and space to be human in their relationship with Allah.If you’ve ever felt misunderstood for pulling back while still caring… If prayer feels complicated, heavy, or unsafe right now… If you want Allah but need gentleness more than instruction…This episode is for you.It’s not about fixing yourself. It’s about understanding yourself — and letting that be enough for now.Feel free to follow me on my social media :IG:@shifatherapy.w.melissa & @shifatalkTikTok:@shifatherapy.w.melissa