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They're the most loved homes on the platform, consistently highly rated by guests. Welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Miss Padman. Happy Father's Day.
Happy Father's Day to you. Fathers and fathers, how do we say that? Fathers and dads and moms and sisters. Non-fathers alike.
Fathers and non-fathers alike. Of course, for this special day, we're commemorating it with dad stories. I think we got the idea because we talked to sisters, separated by a year or two, that both had stories that involved a crazy dad. That got us excited to do dad stories and they're as good as you would imagine.
Dads are fun. Dads are fun and unpredictable. Let's see. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm just trying to see if there's anything that can't be heard on here. Yeah, there's some really funny ones. Yeah, yeah, they're all good. They're all good.
I don't think you'll puke during any of these. I guess that's all I know. Well, one has blood, but it's okay. There's no one pukes with a hero, but I'm not, I don't feel very responsible for it.
That's fair. But like, pootie talk, bodily fluids other than, well, bodily fluids. On a scale, for me, what's more nauseating is blood. Oh, really?
Than pootie. Yeah, I guess it's person to person. It's person to person. Yeah.
Guys, listen to this. It's good. Randomly, I was telling the girls about one we have coming up. Maybe it's next week or the week after.
It's near-death experiences, which is coming up. And then, in telling them this one story, it then reminded me of the bear attack story. Yes. And I'm not trying to explain it, and Lincoln wants more and more details, and I was like, I can't, there's no way I can reenact this guy's story.
So we listened to it in the kitchen yesterday. Oh, fun. And it finished, and she goes, oh, yeah, there's no way you could have retold that story. It was wild.
Yeah, I had dinner the other night with Anthony and Allison, and they had a bear in their backyard, like, the week before. They had it on camera. In Silver Lake? No, they live in...
Oh, wow. So they had a bear in the backyard. Yes, and a mountain lion on the other side. Oh, what do they call it on video?
A bear in a mountain lion fighting. That'd be a valuable video. I don't know. Do they do that, or do they don't?
I don't know. Okay, please enjoy Dad Stories. Hard times, come and go. Good times, take them slow.
My life, I had them both. Number one thing, you gotta know, I'm gonna keep on shining. Dad Stories. Father's Day episode.
Fathers. Father's Day. Father God. Father God, Father God.
Hello, Alex, how are you? Yeah, how are you? Good. You're good.
Oh, my gosh, you're wearing a cute shirt. It says Girl Dad. Yeah, I got an 18-month-old girl sleeping right now, and we're actually going to my wife's 35-week ultrasound here right after this. That's the exact same gap we have, basically, 20 months or so?
Yep, don't know the sex yet, but the first one's a girl, so we cut it as a surprise. I'm guessing the second will be a girl, too. Because of the shirt. Solidified it.
That's what I tell my wife. Okay, so you've got a great dad story. Yeah, so I've told this story a few times recently, and I've had a problem keeping my laughter under control, so I'll do my best here. Okay.
So my dad is a great storyteller, and before we get started, I just want to say, love you, Dad. I'll do my best to recollect the story the same way he does, and I'm probably biased, but in my opinion, this is the best shitting your pants story I've ever heard. Oh, right. I love when prompts merge.
You, too. I actually submitted this one for the secret that a parent kept from us, because I was on a trip with him, and this happened, and then I'll explain what happened here, but he didn't tell us a few years later. Okay. So I come from a family of seven.
We would do these long summer trips where we'd all pile in our Chevy Express conversion van. Oh, baby. Yeah, it had, like, a little TV between the front passenger seats. Every summer, we would take these big loops to a different corner of the U.S.
and hit every touristy little thing along the road, and when I was really young, we would stay in a pop-up camper at payaways. For this story, I was 15, so I'm the second youngest. There was only myself, my younger brother, and I brought a friend with on this trip, and we were going to the Northeast, and we were stopping in Washington, D.C. We were driving into D.C., and we had an hour left, and my dad was prepping us to say, hey, we're not stopping.
We're going to get to the motel. A lot of times, he would have us just stay in the van when he needed to run in and do something quick, which we loved, because we had the movies to watch. He was pulling in, and we could tell that he really needed to go to the bathroom. He was starting to make some interesting mums and drones from the front seat, and so he tells us to stay in the van.
I'm going to go in, get the stuff, and I'll be right back. Just need to use the bathroom. So he leaves. We're fine with it.
We're watching a movie, and we had been in there for, I guess, the time flew by, because it was about an hour. Oh, shit. So we see him go up the exterior stairs, because that's the kind of motel that it is. He'd come back out to get his bag, and he didn't really say anything.
He said, just stay in the car. I'll be back in a little bit. Well, he came back, told us, your younger brother needs to stay with you and your friend. I put up a little bit of a fuss, because he'd always stay with my dad.
Dad was not in a negotiating mood. So he stayed with us, and then we had the trip, and it was awesome. We didn't hear anything. Did you inquire?
Why do you need to be solo tonight? Yeah. You just said, I don't want to talk about it. Oh, my God.
I think what I would have thought, assuming I didn't think he had gone in there and wreaked havoc on the room. Does he want to masturbate? Oh, no. Hooker.
Yeah, Hooker, you're in this big city. What's going to happen in that room? When you're young, and your parents just say no, you're mad, but you don't think to ask why. Yeah.
Back then. You would just be like, ugh. I guess it's just personality time. I mean, what the fuck?
I need a goddamn explanation. This is out of the normal pattern. What is happening? Even if your mom said no, you were like, okay.
Well, there was no begging. I definitely would have been like, why are we doing it this way tonight? Is there only a cot in that room? Can I see the room?
Oh, gosh. I would cut her through the third degree. Okay. So, you're like, all right.
Your only objection was, I don't want my younger brother with me and my bro. Yeah. So, we're all together at Christmas, and we're all telling our best stories, and he buzzed this one out on us, and it's all coming back. Apparently, when he flew to the hotel, he knew he was in trouble when he got out of the van.
He could feel that familiar feel. My dad is someone who's done this before. Oh, sure. I'll just say that.
You said he was male, so I already knew that. He tried to rush him through the check-in process. He was already out as he was walking up the stairs. Because my prediction was, like, he told his body, I'm putting this key in the door, six seconds later, we're unloading, and you tell your body that, and it starts that process, and then the key doesn't work.
But he was already in hot water. When he was going up the steps, we could see he was cupping his butt. And my dad's the guy that wears New Balance white shoes. Norm Corp.
Mid-white socks, short shorts. And he's not a small guy. He's 6'3", probably 250. Okay.
Not a small boy. And he couldn't get this door open, so he panicked, and he started putting his shoulder in the door. Oh, my. Until it finally pops open.
Oh. Well, that's good. He doesn't bother with the lights. He's just on a mission to get to the bathroom.
So he takes off, and he trips halfway there. Oh, no. And he's kind of doing that thing where you try to catch yourself, but you know you're just prolonging the process. Kind of running horizontally.
Yes. So he gets up enough where he runs into the wall where the bathroom is, and the way he explains it is that it was just a shit explosion. Oh, sure. On the wall, down his leg, he gets up to get in the bathroom.
As he's telling this story, he's doing his best impression of, like, the Dumb and Dumber scene of what's left as he's in the bathroom. When he finishes, he comes out of the bathroom and sees in the bed that there are two people under the covers. No, stop. No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, what? So it was the wrong door, probably? What the hell?
Double book or wrong room? Wrong room. The motel says it was his fault for putting his shoulder in the door. The couple was upset because basically they gave him their key.
Can you imagine being the couple? Oh, my God. Especially if you were, like, really into it and you were close. All of a sudden, a big bull comes charging into the street, smashing into the wall and just shitting everywhere.
Yeah. What he had tripped on was their clothes. Oh. I'm surprised he didn't scream.
That's what I was just thinking. I know. Maybe it happened so fast. This happened to me.
Hey, I would yell. For whatever reason, everyone's innate response to this. Can I help you? Oh, sure.
Maybe they did scream that he was so in his own zone that he just didn't hear it. Sure. That is possible. Okay, so he sees there's two people.
He had to be in the bathroom for a minute, I'm presuming, yeah? Yeah, I guess these two people decided to freeze. He didn't hear anything until he came out and saw them there still in the bathroom. Oh, my God.
And what happened next? Did he then get another room? I still don't understand why I can't have your little brother with him. It's not like he joined them.
He's like, well, it's going to be three of us tonight. I think he needed some alone time after all that. Okay, let's see if there's an answer. He ended up sticking around and, like, cleaned it up.
I got a couple left. He felt bad when he went back to the office. He asked me to have some cleaning supplies. He did a little bit.
I'm impressed they let you guys stay. It was actually a motel. Yeah, if you barge down a door in your first five minutes as a guest. And shit all over the room.
And then spread the place. And then now you've got to get this couple in another room. I wonder if they were having an affair, and that's maybe why they were so frozen. I kind of wondered that, too.
Oh, fuck. They thought they were getting caught? Early evening in a roadside motel. Well, that is fantastic.
Yeah, I did not see the lovers. Neither. That was such a good pop-out. Amazing.
Oh, Alex, God bless your dad. He's an awesome guy, and now we work together. Oh, that's great. Yeah, any kind of dad that's driving to all four corners of the U.S.
with a van full of kids? Pretty cool. Yeah, I tip my hat for this gentleman. That was great.
Before I go, I do want to say that the reason I started listening to you two was my oldest sister is an LMFT. What's that? A licensed marriage and family therapist, and she specializes in something that you described as an epidemic in one of your last fact checks. I don't know if you remember.
Wait, no. It was a little while ago. An epidemic. I say it kind of often.
Is it a divorce or sex problems? Misophonia. Misophonia, yeah. She specializes in that?
Yeah, and she did starting 15 years ago, and when she was telling me about it 15 years ago, I'd never heard what misophonia was. So it's kind of like an OG. Wow. In on the ground floor.
So obviously there's tools to combat this? Yes. She has her own practice, and it's kind of blown up for her. Yeah, because I guess if you have it at a 10, you probably couldn't go to restaurants or anything.
You couldn't even eat around other people. It can be an extreme version. And I think it actually depends a lot on who is the person that's doing it. Chomping?
Yep. I was curious about that. Of course. I don't have misophonia, but when I hate someone, I have it.
Yeah, it does. I'm like, let me know this fucking pig. Wow. Well, Alex, it was great meeting you, and I really enjoyed that story, and please send your father our love, because what a guy.
Happy Father's Day to your father and to you. Appreciate it. My sister just finished the first draft of her book. Oh, she did.
What's it going to be called? Give her a shout out. She doesn't play a lot of titles. But it's about misophonia?
Yeah. Well, you can give her this title for free if she wants to use it. Misophonia makes misohonia. That's obviously a great title.
It's obvious. And sex sells. So if she wants that, feel free to take it. Alex, great meeting you.
Take care, brother. Here's Maggie. Oh, Maggie. Hi, Margaret.
Take a swing. She goes with Maggie. Hello. Hi.
Do you call me Margaret or Maggie? You know what? I've had all the nicknames, so you can call me whatever you like. Well, I want to call you what you prefer, but Wabi Wabi, being the rascal he is, he said, okay, Maggie's next.
And I said, it's Margaret. He said, I'm assuming she goes by Maggie. He put this in my head now. You can call me Maggie.
Only very special people call me Maggie, but I would put you guys in with that. A tiny circle. Does anyone call you Marge? Oh, yeah.
In fact, when I was little, I was large Marge, even though I was like a string bean, but that was Pee Wee Herman days. And yeah, large Marge, Margie Margarine, Margo. It's so light where you're at. Yes.
I know. And I'm sorry. I'm not in a closet. So this year, I actually do a bunch of podcasts, but this is all like hardwired into a system and we have really tiny closets in a super old house.
And so I hope that a good quality microphone overrode a closet. Yes, that's correct. It does. And you actually look like you're on an elevated plane, like closer to heaven.
Where are you? I'm in Newton, Massachusetts. It's from just west of Boston, right near Wellesley, where you spent the night. What a lovely place.
Do you have cute little parks with walking trails like they have in Wellesley? Everywhere. It's gorgeous. We just moved here a year ago from out west.
From California? We were in California before us. We met my husband, but we were in Portland most recently. Oh.
Wow, what a life. Yeah, you're zipping around. Good lighting everywhere you go. Okay, so you have a great dad story.
I do have a great dad story. And it is when I was 13 years old. It was on my 13th birthday. And just a little bit of context, it was in Ottawa, up in Canada.
So I'm an only child, no siblings. And both of my parents were professional musicians. So when I was a concert pianist, my dad was the principal oboist in the NAC orchestra, in Ottawa, so the main orchestra. Oboist?
He's a freak. Who's drawn to the oboe? It's such a kinky instrument. I like it.
It's a weird one. I will say, he was world class. I'll give him a major shout-out here. He was incredible.
So that day, it was just me and my dad. And a couple of months earlier, he had warned me of this. So my mom was actually on tour. I don't remember where.
And he came to me and said, hey, your mom's going to be on tour. It's just the two of us. And here's the situation. It was a school night.
I don't remember what night. It was like a Tuesday or Wednesday or something. And he said, I have the opportunity to pick up an extra gig playing for Les Mis. I don't have to take it.
But if I do take it, it means I'm working on the night of your birthday. And we can totally celebrate on the weekend and all that. But completely up to you. Do you want to spend your birthday night with your dad?
And of course, being a little overconfident at precious age of 12, rounding into 13. I was like, oh my gosh, no dad. I don't want to hang out with you. I don't know what I really thought I was going to do.
Because it's not like I was going to be like 18 and go out with my friends or anything. Like I was 13. So wake up on the morning of my birthday and completely regret this decision. I'm all, woe is me.
I can't believe I'm going to be alone. And I'm laying on a guilt trip sick. I can't believe you are going to work and leaving me here. And I mean, it was totally my fault.
There's a little piece of me that's like, well, I was only 12. He might have been able to anticipate this, but whatever. He was like just the sweetest, most loving man. And he felt so badly.
So I got off to school and a few things about me. So at this time, I was so shy. I was starting to come into my own, but nowhere there. And I hated being the center of attention.
Like I did not want the spotlight on me at all. And so I went to this very conservative private girl's school. And after lunch, I was rushing to get to English class. I had English class with Mrs.
Jansen. She was a junior house mistress, so the most stripped teacher in school. And I was terrified of being late. And as I'm going through this big atrium at the front of the school, there's a big crowd of students, which I kind of always is at the end of lunch, but it was larger than normal.
And I could see my girlfriend, Odelia, at the other end. And she's calling my name and she's beckoning to me. And she is laughing. And this girl had like the most maniacal, devilish laugh.
And she loved getting people in. trouble and i was like oh god and my heart just started racing because i'm like it's my birthday she knows there's a lot of people here something is about that so what happened in the background is my dad as i had left for school felt so badly he really wanted to make it right but he didn't know what to do and i'm also at this really tender age where it's like can't be too juvenile because i'm 13 but i'm also only 13 right so he's trying to figure out what to do and he decides he's going to send a balloonogram to school oh hold on hold on hold on that's so cute margaret it's so cute but this is not the move when you're a teenager it's really cute it's so cute yeah he doesn't know you don't know you don't know okay but this feels like career suicide when you're in junior high it was but for reasons that you're not anticipating okay this was a long time ago and this is way predating the internet and he looks up in the yellow pages he calls the balloon ground place and they gave him a list of options and i really wish i knew the full list of options i only know two okay there's one that was a clown and he was like no creepy and way too juvenile but the other of the options which was the one he picked was a bunny boy um so he's picturing in all innocence he's picturing this like good-looking high school kid in a bunny costume what now what would a good-looking high school kid be doing on like a tuesday at noon he's in high school i'm impressed he was even able to conjure up something positive when i hear bunny boy there's nothing i can come up with in my mind that's gonna be bunny boy it's so weird sing bunny boy oh he was so sweet he didn't know he was just trying to do something that was not a clown as i said i don't know what the options were so i could never help him like choose from the list directly but i'm back at elmwood okay all these junior high girls in our little green uniforms and the crowd kind of parts and there is this guy this man with slicked back black hair bunny ears black bunny ears a cake and balloons who proceeds to rip off the cake no and start singing the most lurid happy birthday i can't remember he might have had like an old ghetto blaster i don't remember all i remember is him singing dancing gyrating all he was wearing under that cape was the tiniest little song oh my god at a private girl's school oh my god and he's trying to kiss me this is illegal he's going for it the 80s though he's totally not picking up on any cues i am panicking man this is traumatic it was so traumatic all i can remember seeing faces like girls laughing so hysterically my girlfriend odelia laughing hysterically and all i can think is like i'm gonna be late to english class and i'm gonna be in so much trouble and i mean my heart like i died a little bit oh my god how long was his song it was probably like two three minutes it felt like hours i mean it just felt like it was never gonna end i was trying to run away from him but i couldn't because everyone was crowding in because they thought it was so funny he's surrounded entirely by and exclusively by minors young minors and he's trying to kiss oh this guy should not have been trusted to go anywhere and represent the balloon company definitely not were there any teachers around also watching and laughing janitor actually that's a good question probably there were i don't know what they were doing all i know is that by the time i did make it out of there to mrs chance's english class it was most definitely late as was half the class because i've been watching that couldn't be subtle it's very obvious that it's me right there with the stupid balloons but the one who got into the most trouble was my dad she just called him and lit into him like i thought your family had better taste in this and he didn't understand he's like it's balloons it's a bunny boy like he totally tried to defend himself was he not in a big fluffy outfit with snapping teeth totally i got home from school that day and i was freaking out on him and he was so hurt and so confused that this had happened to him but it's really funny because we all live in the same neighborhood and they would bump into each other places she didn't forgive him for years she just didn't have a sense of humor about it finally many many years later they met and they laughed about it in the grocery store so my dad actually passed he passed in 2017 and i told this story at his memorial and i learned just after that mrs chance it also passed just a few months later so at least they left on good terms after all of this i wonder bunny boy's still with us oh he sounds like he's living life in the fast lane i'm still a little traumatized by that but it was of course the best story ever that's so incredible oh my god i wish there was a photo of bunny boy i'm dying to see what he is because when you were 12 going on 13 he probably looked 40 but i wonder if he was like 25 probably he was very skinny he was very cut but he was all like glistening right i don't know if they had like lubed him up or something but he was very shiny and he was very naked and in a thong at all girls they had to escort him off the property afterwards he kind of hung out he didn't want to leave oh boy you're poor dad that was awful he tried i know it was really sweet it was totally typical of him he had the biggest heart he was always trying to do the right thing and he would try so hard and then like spectacularly fail like there's many many stories is it fair to guess that he was like a savant and genius at music but then was maybe a little missing the boat in a lot of other areas 100 practical stuff completely mistaken well you turned out lovely so somehow that all worked out i have to tell you about this is such a sim moment for me because i'm telling the story about my 13th birthday i actually submitted this story for gifts gone wrong way back oh yeah but it's perfect that it wasn't picked and it was picked this weekend because saturday was my birthday it was a big one i just turned 50 oh congrats thank you we're the same age i'm your elder i decided to do something really odd just i'm a distance runner so i ran 50 miles but the sim part of this is you guys don't know this but you have been my training partners throughout this whole journey since i learned about you which was in 2020 you have been with me through multiple marathon bills and now through this and my favorite is armchair anonymous i have to stop running sometimes i save it because i do my long runs on saturdays like my legs have been buckling underneath me i've been laughing so hard in some of these it's always been like my dream to be on it and then i got the email from emma on friday right after we were doing my planning meeting for my big run today with my friends recruiting for me and i went from being nervous about that i'm so excited it's a total sim moment and my dad's birthday is this month too and he would just love you guys you know what i'm most excited for is you're going to be able to listen to this episode while you're running so right now margaret you're running and we're with you and you're with you which is even doubling so we're cheering you on yes oh my god it's so impressive by the way 50 miles well wonderful meeting you margaret thank you so much for that story you're sweet my little 11 year old daughter who i let listen very selectively to your armchair anonymous this is like a pattern we've discovered that kids like armchair anonymous hi what's your name yeah thank you for listening this should be a family tradition i definitely think you should attempt to repeat this for cia's 13th birthday yeah humiliator at her grace of it wonderful well nice meeting you both yes thank you great to meet you as well all right take care here comes jessica here comes jessica here comes jessica hi is this jessica yes yes i'm jessica how are you guys nice to meet you where are you from where are you so right now i'm in chicago i'm from the northwest suburbs of chicago wabi-wabi ask her what suburbs palentine that's where i'm high school you went to brun i did whoa i went to the other high school in town but me and my friend we're trying to figure out we knew you're like from the area but we weren't really sure what year did you graduate 2016 oh six 10 years he would have been coming back to town for his 10 year reunion as you were graduating that's gross that's really rough yeah maybe we saw each other at the pool or something must have been before my time okay so you have a great dad story i do story takes place about 18 ish years ago in the suburbs of chicago i'm about nine years old at this time and all my family is getting together for dinner at this restaurant that we frequent most of us still live in the area but there's some out-of-towners and new babies and my cousin's new boyfriend is here and how old's the cousin early 20s i think so we're all sitting down and by my mom and my dad and we're also across the table from my cousin and her new boyfriend his name is adam so we're all talking having a good time the adults are laughing up the vino the vodka on the rocks and i'm just kind of sitting there fidgeting with my very loose tooth i'm pretty young so i still have like baby teeth and then once i start eating the tooth finally decides to pop out and with this particular tooth i was bleeding like a ton there's a good amount of blood gushing from my mouth oh wow what was the cuisine what was the theme of the restaurant it's like a bar and grill can i shout it out it's all caffeine yeah absolutely they have a nice onion ring loaf there it's really good but i'm eating a grilled cheese that's all i ate for most of my life i start to bleed and for whatever reason i don't want to get up from the table probably because it's packed so instead of getting up and going to the bathroom i'm spitting my blood into my mom's empty water cup oh okay okay switching around water in my mouth and putting it into the cup so by the time that i'm done bleeding there's a big bloody cup of spit water on the table oh god potent shirley temple so it's not like a full bloody mary or a wine it's more shirley temple yeah it's more shirley temple but there's definitely my blood in there so the evening's going on we're having a nice night and my dad begins to brag about being like a daredevil he'll do anything he'll eat anything etc so adam says to my dad hey greg i'll give you 20 if you drink that cup of jesse's blood ew what are you talking about ew we just had a long talk about eating each other's skin i still think it's blood ew worse than skin yeah i think i would rather do the skin over the blood yes for sure yeah okay no yeah she picks up the glass without hesitation and chugs the entire thing so everyone is so mad she thinks it's disgusting there's shouts of disbelief and disgust coming from everywhere and i'm pretty young so i just start crying because i think i'm pretty overwhelmed by the reaction the attention and most of all i think i was just scared if my dad could die from doing something like that like i always thought i was just used or something and if my dad's like my dad would die oh no you and monica would be great roommates i mean horrible you could really whip yourselves up into us we could be afraid about everything together but yeah he's fine and everyone is yelling at him and he said something to the effect of she's my daughter she's with flesh and blood i drink a cup of her blood so in some twisted way i think that's pretty sweet it is sweet weirdly yeah i drink my daughter's blood no problem all right cool monica well i don't have one so i can't relate one i would drink it if i had to drink it but for a dare no that's not part of your identity no so that doesn't even appeal but if someone was holding them hostage and said you better drink this blood i would do it cool so yeah that's just a story i tell like a new boyfriend or person meeting my dad just like you got like a good idea of what his personality is like cute i like that yeah i like your dad he sounds fun did the boyfriend go the distance are they still together oh yeah he's like a staple in our family and he loves this story well yeah because it shows a little bit of his color like he's feeling quite comfortable if he challenges the patriarch he offers the pay i'm flush with cash i got a 20. he was trying to have a little fun too so i appreciate that is it okay if i bring my bestie out yes let's get her in here to you guys i want her to say hi to you emma oh this will be cute to see them try to share this hi oh my god you guys hi emma how are you wonderful do you guys both listen yeah oh my god yeah all day every day we discuss most episodes we get really drunk and talk about how much we love you oh man that's lovely do you have a favorite episode yeah your mom's episode oh yeah i heard to listen totally that's the first episode i ever listened to it was incredible yeah i always listen to that whenever i want a good cry oh that's nice it's probably time to get her back in i would love that yeah please do yeah i think everyone needs that i guess it'll be like about a five-year update at this point she has a whole other episode to tell for sure well it's lovely meeting you guys we're very flattered you're listening and i think it's so fun that you're listening and then like texting each other about it i like that yeah always all right well nice meeting you guys it was so good to meet you take care bye oh that's fun it does say bella oh jesus i don't know if i trust you hi it's isabel do you go by bella yes i go by bella how long have you been going by bella pretty much all my life i think in fifth grade i wanted to go by isabella but i quickly changed that was too much everybody that's a lot yeah where'd you grow up i grew up in hampton iowa but i live in indiana okay so now you're in indiana does your crazy dad story take place in iowa or in indiana it takes place in hampton iowa when i was 16 years old sweet 16 yes indeed so when i was 16 it was april fools and my dad is a big april fools person loves it april fools people are such a type they are my dad was one of them so april fools morning we have a gym class before school starts and so i go and i pick up my friend and we get to this gym class but we're early and so i was like hey lexie i'm gonna call my dad we're gonna prank him and she's like okay and so a little backstory my dad's a paramedic and he's a nurse and i know he's getting ready for work i call my dad and immediately i'm like dad let me go in the car oh this is not a prank this is just a horrible i am like going on with the story i hear my dad he was making breakfast for work he's dropping the pans he's yelling at my mom he's like maria call 911 and so he's like okay look at her chest moving like what's up i was like dad i don't know he's like okay where'd you crash i'm coming i was like and i am like selling it this is evil it was evil i hear him grab the car keys and then open the door to our house to like leave and i'm like april fools and he's like isabella and there's a sense of relief and then also just like being impressed oh wow this is illuminating to what kind of family written so this is fine this is fine yes and so he definitely was like slightly impressed also a little relieved and then i go to school and the day goes on and i forget april fools i am coming home from school i pull up into our driveway and my dad's outside with a puppy when i was 16 i had been wanting a puppy for the longest time i'd been begging for a dog it was the dream and so i pull up and he's just playing with his puppy i get in my car i'm like a puppy oh my gosh and he was just like i was on my way home from work and this puppy was just on like the side of the road i picked him up we're walking inside our house he gives me the puppy to hold we go inside i'm like petting this puppy i was like oh my god he's so cute she's so cute and my dad's like yeah the shelters they were closed and the vet office it was closed it's just looking like we're gonna have to keep him and i was like oh my gosh i love him i'm like petting her i'm like petting her and he's letting me go on talk about this future with this dog and so he's like you should name her while we have her i just love the name of you like zantana wait zantana or zantana zantana the dc character dr fate's child oh i was a big grown-up and so i was like we'll go to petco we'll get all the things i'm gonna cute little collar and my dad's like that's absolutely wonderful and i was like can we keep her and he's like it's kind of looking like we get to keep her and i was like oh my gosh this is so great i'm just overjoyed and i was like okay so zantana he's just sitting in the corner just like squirking and smiling i was like oh he's just so happy his daughter's just so happy so i just been petting this dog there's like a moment of silence and he turns to me he's like well the dog's actual name is uh charlie polk and i was like what that's not a good name and he's like no the dog's name is charlie polk it's time to go take her back to her family april fools you guys go rough yeah and so my dad told me his whole evil scheme he found a family friend who had like a new puppy went and picked it up plotted this whole thing to like surprise me after school and to prank me i played on his worst fear he played on my biggest dream true wow you guys are made for one another yes he's a great dad i absolutely love him oh was he did he come up with that plan in retaliation or did he already planned that for april fools that day he came up with it in retaliation yeah he was like i need her to understand how terrible that was and the only thing i can think of is getting her to fall in love with something and then take it away 100 and he did that before with my older brother where my older brother really wanted a car and so my dad took him to a car shop said he could have this vehicle that everything worked out financially this is crazy got the keys to like open the car my brother's like oh my gosh thank you so much dad thank you so much and uh hands in the keys and says like april fools oh I'm like, my brother didn't even do anything to him. My dad did that.
I guess now I'm thinking he did deserve the fake car crash. Oh, 100%. You know what's funny? I think I have a very easy time not being judgmental.
This one's tough. It's hard for me not to go, this guy, this is rough. Well, it's playful. They like it.
That's the thing. They're all consenting. Exactly. They all enjoy it.
Yes, very playful. Has he given up on his April Fool's-ing, or do they continue on? Well, now that I live in another state, it's really hard to, like, get me real good. We try to.
Every April Fool's just calling and saying fake news or something, but it's not as grand as it was when we were growing up. Okay, I have a recommendation. This was a thing that a friend of mine's father did to get even with a co-worker. You should figure out whatever the local Craigslist is for your dad's area, and you should say, sold my two Harleys, have a ton of extra parts, pipes, bars.
Just come by and get them. I work midnights. I'm off Saturday. Anytime from midnight to 3 a.m., just come.
Don't call. Free Harley parts. Oh. Because the kind of folks that show up to pick up free Harley parts are the last people you probably want to greet at your door at midnight.
So just think about maybe placing a fake ad with free Harley parts. You know, I think I will. That's a really good idea. He needs to be packed again.
And hopefully the dozen guys will be showing up over and over again. That was fun. That was fun. Thank you, Bella.
Of course. Also, could my husband say a quick hi? He's a big fan. Of course.
Of course. Okay, Jack, come here. Hi. Hi, Jack.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you guys. Are you a prankster, too? Because girls sometimes marry their fathers.
Are you a rascal? No, I'm horrible at lying. Pranks are not my thing. The idea of doing that to somebody just scares me.
But, you know, they say one of your kids in the future will one day be like your parents. And so I'm just very worried that my daughter in the future is going to do this to me. That scares the crap out of me. It's a healthy figure.
Now, when you were getting to know Bella and she was telling you about her dad and what he was capable of, were you getting nervous? Yes. Is he an intimidating figure? No.
He's just like a teddy bear. Oh, okay. It was really funny because I asked for her hand in marriage from her dad. He was talking about how strong-willed she is and how evil she can be.
How are you going to handle that in the future? And I was like, yeah, well, I don't know. We'll see how that goes if that happens. Okay, so he gave you some warnings.
He's like, you can totally have her. Let me tell you this story. Buy her beware. She might call you.
She's going to act like she's dead. Pretend she's a car accident. Yeah, turn your phone off on April 1st. That would be the recommendation.
Well, it's so nice meeting you guys. You're such a cute couple. Yeah. It's nice meeting you guys, too.
It's been a real pleasure. All right. Bye. Well, he was so cute, wasn't he?
Oh, my God, yeah. My clothes alone? Yeah, Jack was a play killer. He looked like a CW star.
I was thinking he could have been an Outsiders, like Thomas C. Howell, all those cute boys. Yeah, you're in my generation. Apparently, there's an Outsiders musical now.
Oh, really? Yeah, that's supposed to be fantastic. Maybe he's in it. It might be a musical I would see because I love the movie, The Outsiders, so much in the book.
S.E. Hinton, 16 years old, right? Woman. Woman, girl.
What are you talking about? Wait, right? What? S.E.
Hinton is a girl. Yeah. I mean, she's a woman. She was a girl, and she wrote those books.
Yes, and now she's a woman. It's impossible. I know. I don't understand.
Women are very possible. They happen all the time. That was fun. Yes.
Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there, and all the grandpoppies. Huge ads. Yeah, everyone. Happy Father's Day to all the women.
Yeah. Moms, girls. That's right. And the aunts and the grandmommies.
Obviously, there's so many great stories I could tell about my sweet pippy. Same. Yeah, do you have one that comes to mind? No.
Okay. The one that just pops into my mind is one time my father was visiting, and at the time, this is probably 05 or 06, I had a jacked up Chevy truck, and I had a Porsche 911. And so I had a really busy day. He was visiting, and I had a meeting on the west side, and then I had a meeting in Hollywood, and then I had to go to Disney out in the valley.
And so I said, what are you doing today? He's like, your cousin Jamie's coming over. We're going to go out to lunch. I'm like, great.
I should be home at whatever time. So I'm going from my second to my third meeting. I'm going up Cahuanga towards Disney. As I'm crossing Franklin and Cahuanga, I see my truck sitting on the side of the road, and there's two cop cars around it, and no one's in the truck, and the flashers are on.
And I just, like, drive by. I'm like, that's my truck. What on earth is it doing here with police cars around it? So I call my dad's cell phone right away.
He doesn't answer. And then I call my sister, and I'm like, hey, I'm on my way to this meeting at Disney. My truck's on the side of the road. Will you call my dad and see what's going on?
So she calls me back in two minutes, and she goes, oh, yeah, he answered right away. He's like, hey, girl. And she goes, hey, Dax wants to know why his truck's on the side of the road. And he goes, oh, he told you.
I got to go. I'm talking to the cops. And just hangs up about her. Oh, no.
So that's the information I have as I enter this meeting at Disney. And I'm, of course, pretty preoccupied by what is that? Sure. I have the meeting.
It's like an hour and a half general meeting. It's fun. I completely forget about what had happened before I got there. I get out, and I have a couple of voicemails.
And so I'm listening to them, and the first one's from my insurance company. And they're like, your truck was towed to this body shop. We'll get it assessed. The second message is from my father.
And he goes, this bitch came out of nowhere. Oh, yeah. Well, Dax, I drove over a Honda with your truck. Oh, my God.
I tried not to let him tow it, but they insisted on tow it. Anyways, I'm back at the house. I'll see you when you get here. No, I'm sorry.
No, anything. This bitch came out of nowhere. Come to find out, he literally drove over this girl's Honda. He was, like, barreling down the parking lane on the right side of Franklin.
And this gal poked the hood of her car out into the intersection, leaving the parking lot. And he drove up over her hood, smashed the windshield, drove off the car, and then put it in park. Shit. He never did say sorry.
He was just, like, maybe hurt that I wasn't more concerned about him from the accident. When I got back, I pull in the driveway, and Jamie's there with him, and Jamie's got a plenty of nice car. And so my first question was, like, why on earth did you guys even take the truck? Right.
He just showed up in a car. Sure. Oh, and he goes, oh, I got a parking ticket before they towed it, so then he handed me a parking ticket. Oh, ouchie, ouchie, ouchie, ouchie.
Oh, I love him, though. Sure. Sweet, colorful man. All right.
Well, happy Father's Day. Happy Father's Day. Love you. Do I sing a tune or something?
Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our Jerry's bookings and suggestions, on the Flyerine Dish, on the Flyerine Dish, enjoy.