Case File: "Staffanie" - Evil Dead Rise (2023)

The precinct is quiet, too quiet, until Captain storms into the bullpen holding a Blu-ray copy of Evil Dead Rise like it’s Exhibit A in a homicide trial. Turns out there’s a special event tonight: a father–daughter movie night. His kid wants to watch Evil Dead Rise (2023)… and the Captain, proud but deeply concerned, wants to know if the film is child appropriate.The Captain, never one to read a parental guide, slams the case onto Jared’s desk. And just like that, the Movie Gumshoes are dragged into one of their grisliest cases yet.Jared “Ballistic” Jackson already knows the score: Evil Dead Rise isn’t exactly a bedtime story. Jonathan “Sourdough” Manno, meanwhile, approaches the investigation with the wide-eyed optimism of a rookie who genuinely believes maybe a film with flesh-possessing demons could still be PG-13 if everyone behaves themselves.The detectives break down the cinematic crime scene:A reunion between two estranged sisters goes bloodily sideways, when flesh-possessing demons show up uninvited.Primal battles for survival, complete with the kind of gore that makes even jaded detectives look away from the bodycam footage.A nightmarish twist on family drama, where the deadites give “problem siblings” an entirely new meaning.Directed by Lee Cronin, running a lean, mean 1 hour 37 minutes, and earning that R rating with absolute enthusiasm.As Jared and Jonathan comb through the evidence, MPAA notes, scene breakdowns, forensic gore analysis, they prepare their briefing for the Captain. Jonathan tries, valiantly, to find even one child-friendly takeaway. He fails. Spectacularly.By the end, the Gumshoes must deliver the uncomfortable truth: this movie is many things, intense, inventive, stylishly brutal, but it is absolutely not appropriate for a child unless that child is secretly a 300-year-old demon.Case closed. For now.Because in the world of Movie Gumshoes, even movie night can turn into a full-blown investigation.