Chapter XXXVII

(Previous Chapter Thirty-Six ) (Book Homepage & Chapter List) (Next Chapter Thirty-Eight)4th Day in the 1st of Delód’s Months, Rainy Season, in the First Year of King Feyaz’s Reign, 127th Reckoned YearO’ great Face of Dōmünfoll, how mysterious are your features.You humble the most praised sculptor; you teach skill to master teachers.“The Face of Dōmünfoll”, From Great Sculptures of the Oullman, written by scrivener Fowdin-Mell in the Unreckoned YearsThe Big Man gives Shushilah a firm pat on the back, propelling him down the gangway and nearly toppling him over. “Aye, and have fun, Shush! Don’t be spending anymore of your money now, hah! Even if Cheese is getting swindled!” The Big Man roars.The Second sun is setting over the harbor and dinner has been cleaned up already, leading most of the crew to venture out into the Trade Harbor to sightsee. The Royal Mass is home to many wonders known throughout Yath: the Sunken Markets, the Royal Gardens of Glowing Paths, the Saintstone Halls, and the South Tower are all here, and more. The Big Man told Chapel he would like a word, so the two of them went into the captain’s quarters. Petsune is at Chapel’s desk, though The Big Man doesn’t mind. Afterall, the Tree spoke to all three of them, though Pet received a different kind of story. Besides, Pet is too busy pouring over the pages of the logbook they found, looking for evidence of his parents’ innocence. Petsune is reading a section of the logbook regarding the Alliance his parents signed with Broadfell, Dintash, and Filkash. He twists his mouth into a grim expression as he reads his parents’ writing hint that signing the alliance would bring them closer to HelBenledore, and the hint appears to be sinister. Meanwhile, Chapel extends a hand to where The Big Man sits. The chair strains out a groan of protest at Benafield’s Fellbin bulk. In Chapel’s eyes, he seems hesitant to initiate the conversation, so Chapel broaches the subject first. “I think I may understand why the Hollow Tree chose the story it told me.”An immediate look of relief appears on The Big Man’s face. “Oh, aye?”“Yeah. When we first… when we lost Harlan, I felt like I failed as a Captain. So I tried to harden myself, to become a strong Captain the others could lean on, you know?” Benafield nods in understanding, and Chapel goes on, “But then I realized it wasn’t me — that’s not how I am. I have strong emotions and I show them easily, so for me to try and be the hard hand, well, I was trying to be something I wasn’t. I would have been a tree trying to be the sky, and lost what I had in the process.”The Big Man nods deeply. “Aye, the Trees give timely wisdom in their stories.”Chapel nods as well, then looks to The Big Man who is staring down at the table introspectively. Petsune still sits at the desk, engrossed in his reading and oblivious to the conversation the Captain and The Big Man are having. Pet is reading a passage where his parents wrote about the leaders of each nation visiting each other, in preparation for the signing of the Alliance. His parents wrote about King Bornidin, Fellpost HelBenledore, and Oullman Keelay all coming to the Cleave and being shown the Cloudborne Bridge, and the shining fields of Saintstone to the north. He actually reads of his parents blundering an attempt to poison the Fellpost, and he groans softly. The pain is thick is his throat, but he reads on.The ending of the account catches Pet’s eye. It reads, “…it is as the Fāy-Núl Tör say, ‘The sea is not deceived’” How strange… he always thought it was a Coldor phrase, but perhaps they borrowed it? Then thinking of the revelation just above, he thinks it fitting that they borrowed the phrase from a group of zealous assassins. He feels a path of shame at thinking this, and rubs his face idly. He thinks of Harlan and the final words he spoke to him, still confusing in their intent: “sometimes the most effective way to eliminate an enemy is not to cause pain or suffering, but to give them what they want most.” What could Harlan have meant?While Petsune languishes in the revelations of the logbook, The Big Man begins speaking across the room. He speaks slowly, hesitatingly, almost as if in argument with some internal conscience. “I don’t know… I think that I understand the story I was told, but then… I can see so many meanings.”Chapel doesn’t speak, but he does continue to look at Benafield, despite The Big Man not looking back. Benafield looks out the window at the rear of the cabin, watching the Second sun disappear between the line of sea and sky. He speaks slowly. “Two painters, each skilled in their craft, but only one was educated. They paint a similar scene, but the uneducated painter has a more complex one. The master painter sells his for a fortune and receives great praise, but the uneducated painter sells his for a pittance…”Chapel looks away from The Big Man, casting a roaming gaze around the room while Benafield continues speaking. “At first, I thought of the value in the painting, how it was not the painting but the people who decided the value. An’ that don’t seem right…” The Big Man grows quiet, and the only sound is the occasional muttering of Petsune and the distant muffled buzz of the Trade Harbor. Benafield’s soft soothing voice begins again, almost imperceptible. “It makes me think of my family… and the thing the Sanctum told me. I went to them, aye? After my family… when they… after the tragedy. I needed guidance, needed to know there was something waiting for them after — something good,” The Big Man looks at Chapel and speaks firmly, “Do you know what they said to me, Captain?” Chapel’s face is pained and empathetic, but he doesn’t say anything, just continues meeting Benafield’s gaze. “They told me I was not a follower of Ründ, that I had failed my family. They told me there was nothing but darkness for them who did not believe… nothing but void and pain.”Chapel extends a hand and rests it on The Big Man’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Benafield…”He seems to force tears back as he sniffs loudly. “Aye. An’ this story, the one the Tree told to me, it reminds me of those feelings I had just then. Anger that these so-called priests did not see value where it ought to have been plain! Just because I did not follow their drowned Saint!” The Big Man roars out, causing Petsune to look up, but then Benafield sighs and continues normally. “They believed my life had no value because I had not followed their Saint. But it was not so.”Petsune has risen from the desk in frustration at the book, then hesitatingly decides to approach the Captain and The Big Man. He does not wish to intrude, but Benafield is obviously hurting, and it sounds as though that hurt was caused by the Sanctum. He had wanted to return to this topic with The Big Man, to try and bring some healing, plus it is a distraction from the truth about his parents and maybe his people as a whole. Now seems like a good moment to restart the conversation Pet had a few days prior.The Big Man sees Petsune and gives him a wan smile. “Aye, sorry to be disturbing you, little Pet. I did not intend to shout.”“No, no, not at all. I just thought… maybe I could join the conversation? I am, after all, a ‘so-called priest’.” Petsune says this without any touch of aggression or hurt, but Benafield still seeks to assuage any insult he may have given Pet, while motioning for him to sit. “Not you, little Pet. If ever there was a true man of the Saints, it’d be you.”Petsune sits and swats a hand through the air, waving off The Big Man’s words. “Don’t worry, it’s harder than that to offend me. And honestly, I agree with you about most True Souls of the Sanctum. They are often… difficult.”“Difficult, aye. That is one word for it.”Chapel brings Pet into the conversation. “We were just talking about the stories the Hollow Tree told us. I think mine was simple enough to figure out, but The Big Man’s story is not so easy to discern.”“Aye, it does not seem to have a point. It reminds me of my family, and of the words the Sanctum spoke to me. But why would the Tree choose to do this?”Petsune listens to The Big Man, and wades into the deep waters Chapel was treading moments earlier. “Perhaps that’s only part of the picture,” Petsune cautiously approaches something he has been considering, “maybe the people in the story represent the Sanctum, and that they did not see value where it should have been plain, but…”Petsune hesitates to continue, and Benafield gives him a reserved but heartfelt smile, “It is okay, little Pet. I count you a friend — no, more than that. I count you as family. You can speak to me as such.”Chapel remains a silent supporter as Petsune goes on. “Perhaps the ending is the most important part of the story?”“Aye? What is making you think this?”“In the story, the amateur painter quits painting, never lifting another brush. But it seems to me that he is wrong to do so. There will always be people like those critics in the story; people like the True Souls of the Sanctum that you spoke to. But if we quit painting, if we give up because of one bad experience, we miss out on so much.”The Big Man appears confused but he is clearly listening to Petsune with a genuine ear. “So, what are you saying? That I am to simply start another family? Try again?”“No, no, not that. I may be a priest but I am not so insensitive. I don’t think the point of the story is your family — I think it’s about those that judge the art. I think, perhaps, the story is suggesting you give the Saints another chance.”Benafield’s face immediately betrays a moderate rejection of the conclusion, but then it softens.Before The Big Man can voice his rejection, Pet continues speaking. “The painter created a beautiful work, but when his piece wasn’t well received, he gave up. You went to the Church in a time of need, but they hurt you, and you gave up on the Saints,” Petsune looks at Chapel who nods in encouragement, “but the painter should have kept painting. You shouldn’t hate the church or the Saints because of one drowned True Soul who doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”The Big Man does appear to consider Pet’s interpretation. “Aye… perhaps it is what the Tree intended to say. I do not know… I will think on this though, little Pet. Thank you. But there is something I must know: what do you believe awaits my family after death?”Petsune reels slightly at the tough question, but these past few weeks have allowed him a great deal of introspection. He once identified as a True Soul, then an Empty Hand, and finally a Deepblood. Now he is without church, yet he feels closer to all of the Saints than ever before. So, he answers honestly. “I don’t know, Benafield. I’m not sure what awaits me after death. I don’t believe your family wallows in perpetual darkness. With what I believe of the Saints and their goodness, I just can’t believe that would happen. But I don’t have the answers. I wish I did.”Benafield nods deeply, appreciating the truth rather than a comforting lie. He replies to Petsune, “You have said this many times, little Pet — that you do not know the answer.”Petsune feels a slight flush of color heat his cheeks, but he answers honestly and without bite. “It’s true, I know. But I think I would be more worried about the priests who claim they do know everything.”“Hah! This is true, very true. It is as I said, if ever there were a man of the Saints, it is you, little Pet. A True Soul indeed, you have told me what I needed to hear, even though you were knowing it may not be what I wanted.”Petsune stands. “I hope I have done something to help you.”He walks back over to the desk, ready to continue tackling the faults of his parents, feeling a particular kinship with the Captain. The Big Man watches him return to his studies and gives Chapel a questioning look. “Do you think we should be taking that book from him?” Benafield says, only half joking.“No, I think it’s just something he never had before — the chance to know more about his parents.” Chapel says. The Big Man’s eyes widen, and he nods, understanding dawning on him. Petsune sits back down at the desk and begins reading the logbook. He rereads the entry regarding the visits to each nation and his parents attempt at poisoning the Fellpost, then flips the page and finds Vánüm explanations of each Cleave’s name. The Captain and The Big Man both stand and walk out of the cabin, conversing fondly about their “Pet priest”.A few hours after Benafield and Petsune’s conversation, Shushilah returns alongside Cheese. The two of them step onto the main deck in the dusk of the evening, the Small sun having finally disappeared completely. Both Shush and Cheese are expressing wonder at the height of the South Tower, which happens to be the tallest structure in any kingdom. Cheese speaks in awestruck tones, “Like flyin’, it were, bein’ up that high.”“Is a beautiful thing, to be a windgull, I’m thinking.” Shushilah says.Soon after their arrival, The General and Bor return with a few crates of food stuffs. Chapel inquires as to what they were able to locate, then he has them store the items below decks. Bor seems to be marveling at the extensive options available in the Sunken Markets. Sprig and Pickett come down from the crow’s nest, and they appear to be executing some type of plot, Chapel notes. Petsune wanders out of the cabin weary-eyed. Chapel takes one look at him and says, “Saints, Pet. You look like a corpse.”Petsune smiles emptily, then waves off the Captain. Undeterred, Chapel places an arm around Pet’s shoulder then walks him to the railing. “Join me up top?” Chapel says, pointing up at the crow’s nest, “you look like you need some fresh air.”Petsune wants to protest, but begrudgingly follows Chapel up the ratlines to the nest. When they are both at the top, Chapel leaps up and sits with his legs dangling out over the edge. Petsune merely slumps over the railing, looking out through the branches of the mast toward the crowded Trade Harbors.Pet closes his eyes for a time and simply relaxes. Chapel gives him a sideways glance. “You know, you don’t have to memorize every word by the end of the week. I fear your inner schoolboy is coming out again.”Petsune laughs lightly, but he doesn’t say anything. The two simply drink in the dazzling view of human activity, shops closing up and things being stored away for the night. The whole harbor is an incredible achievement, with its submerged marketplace. The Royal Mass is a place of many technical wonders beyond compare, each a marvel to behold. Petsune sighs deeply. “I keep thinking, ‘If I just look hard enough, maybe I’ll find a reason why they hated the Fellbin, something that exonerates them’. My whole life I wanted to prove the Coldor weren’t what everyone said, but now I’m met with proof that the Coldor — my own parents — are the cause of the North War, just as people said. ”“Ahh, I see…” Chapel says, “you feel like this is your way of helping.”“It’s not like I can do much else… The Big Man is right, I don’t even have answers in the one area I’m supposed to be an expert in.”“Careful now, your insecurity is showing, Pet.”“I’m serious, Chapel! I feel… I feel like my whole life was built around being a priest and proving the Coldor were innocent and good people. But now I find proving that is impossible, and I’m no longer a priest. I don’t know who I am anymore….”Chapel doesn’t say anything right away and Pet is grateful he didn’t say something flippant. When he does speak, it’s casual but caring. “Maybe you can’t prove the Coldor are good, but you can be an example — you can start the change. As for being a priest, the church is all you’ve known, Pet. But it’s not all there is. Do you think you can’t follow the Saints if you’re not a priest?”“No, it’s not that. I just—”“The Saints can’t be found in a church, whether its gold plated or small and reserved.”Petsune exhales, feeling foolish for having Chapel explain this to him. “I know that. I do. I just need to figure out who I am, if not a priest.”Chapel swings his legs back into the nest and looks out toward the harbor entrance, where the open sea glimmers brightly. “You know, I’ve always felt close to the Saints, out there on the water… there are so many things that just, I don’t know, seem to show the Saints.”“Sure, I’ve heard the same things, how the three suns represent the Saints and all that — but those people are ignoring hundreds of years of Coldor tradition and belief. There are four Saints, not just three.”Chapel smirks at Petsune and removes his Saintstone eyeglass from his belt, offering it to Pet. “What’s this for?” He says, taking the eyeglass.“Take a look out there.”“At what, exactly? It’s night.”“Exactly, exactly.”“I do not like your more nebulous moods, I would just like to say…” But he looks through the eyeglass anyway, petulantly. He scans the dark water of the harbor as it reflects torchlights and glowing millie juice lanterns. As he looks about with one eye closed, he catches sight of the Sunken Markets below the harbor and he looks back to Chapel. “The Markets?”“No, wrong direction.”Petsune’s eye roams over the harbor and the docks, taking in much but seeing little. “What am I supposed to see?”Chapel points out above the water to a large blue-ish white moon glowing high in the starlit sky. “There’s your fourth Saint, Pet. Ostracized, different, dark. But she’s there all the same.”Petsune looks up at the moon, truly seeing it for the first time. He chuckles and says, “Guess I never thought about the moon.”Chapel continues speaking as Pet looks through the eyeglass at the incandescent moon. “You don’t need to be a priest in a church to see the Saints, Pet. You can follow the will of the Saints no matter where you are or what you do — you ought to know that by now.”Petsune exhales loudly, irritated with Chapel for being right. After a few silent moments, he hands back the eyeglass. “Where did you get that thing anyway?”“It’s the only thing my father ever gave to me, but that’s not why I keep it.”“Oh? Why do you then?” Pet asks.“Because it’s the best drowned eyeglass I’ve ever used.”Chapel laughs lightly and Pet does too, then he asks curiously, “When did he give it to you? You said you haven’t seen him in years?”“It was when my aunt died — the one he sent me to live with. He showed up, out of nowhere. I remember thinking he looked almost sad even… I remember him looking at the eyeglass, muttering he was sorry or something, then he tossed it to me and walked away.”“Wow, I’m sorry, Chapel. Truly.”“Eh, I wouldn’t have this family if it weren’t for all that. So, I guess it’s like you told The Big Man — sometimes you get hurt, but you gotta try again.”Slightly uncomfortable thinking about himself giving advice, Pet tries to change the subject. “Hah… yes… I wonder where Devishaw even acquired an eyeglass of Saintstone, just to throw it away so casually, as if he didn’t even care what it was.”“Yeah, he probably didn’t. He only ever cared about one thing for as far back as my memory reaches — revenge against the Coldor. It was probably something he got for his role in ending the North War. I don’t know. I highly doubt he bought it for me, that’s for sure.”Petsune shudders slightly, then considers Chapel’s words. “Still, most people would kill for a Saintstone eyeglass, and to just casually toss it away…”Chapel laughs cynically, “Yeah, casually toss it away – because he certainly didn’t mean it to be a heartfelt gift…”Pet appears apologetic. “I’m sorry, Chapel – I didn’t mean it like that.”But Chapel waves him off. “Don’t worry, Pet. I’m not hurt,” he says with a quick wink, “besides, it’s true. I don’t know why he gave me this, honestly. But it is very useful.”They become quiet, looking out on a sleepy world lit dimly by the new farmer’s moon.Petsune finds his mind returning to the things he read in his parents logbook. He recalls the page of the past Cleave’s names and their Vánüm explanations . “There is a page in my parent’s logbook that explains the Vánüm origin of each Cleave’s name. There may be words listed in there that you don’t have in your list, if you want to take a look.”“Yeah, I’m sure there are. I’d love a look at it.”“Maybe someday you can write a book like your mother’s.”Chapel doesn’t say anything, but he smiles fondly at the thought. Out in the distance, Petsune can see activity on the castle walls. He watches, and thinks aloud, giving a voice to his deepest fear. “I think… I think my parents aren’t innocent. I think they really did try to assassinate Fellpost HelBenledore. Which means they are responsible for the North War.”Chapel doesn’t answer immediately. “You remember what I said about Harlan, right?”“He was supposed to be hanged?”“No, no, not that. You said he didn’t sound innocent and I said, ‘Nobody is truly innocent’, remember?”“Yes, I remember. But this is different. They would be the cause of the North War.”Chapel listens intently and responds. “At the risk of sounding like a prattlebeak, I will repeat something else I told you. People don’t do things without what they see as a good reason. Maybe they did betray the Alliance, but if that’s the case, you’ll have to remember that they must have felt there was a good reason, even if it was founded in hate or false assumptions. Maybe they felt it was the only way to keep their people safe, I don’t know.”“Perhaps,” Petsune says dejectedly, “but I don’t think that makes it acceptable.”“No, it doesn’t. I agree, but it’s something to bear in mind. Sometimes it can be too easy to begin hating a group of people just because they, in turn, hate someone else. You end up making the same sort of choices as them then.”“I suppose… I’m not through with the logbook yet. There’s still a chance something in there will help me make sense of their actions.”Chapel looks up at the stars, seeing a few constellations that he knows by name: Ründ’s dagger, the Long Ships, and the Great Horn. He speaks while gazing up. “I admire your persistence, Pet. And I hope you do find what you’re looking for.”Chapel exhales a deep and profound sigh, still staring at the tiny glimmers of starlight above.The three triangular shapes of the Long Ships glitter and wink, mesmerizing him. Petsune hears the sigh and decides maybe his Captain could also use some encouragement. “How’re you taking the news?”Neither Petsune nor Chapel has to say what news. “Hard. I know I’m not close to him and I know I’m not like him, but even so. I thought I would be able to get through to him — that there would be some kind of reconciling. It makes me afraid of myself, in a way. He’s so sure of himself, so certain he’s doing the right thing — the thing that needs done. But I feel the same way…” Petsune listens, just as Chapel listened to him, “this time I know he’s wrong, sure — it’s obvious. But what about smaller disagreements with other people? How can you tell who’s right? I feel like maybe I was arrogant in trying to right past wrongs. Who am I, really?”“How do you know your father is wrong this time, what makes it so obvious?”“Well, he wants to kill innocent people, to slaughter an entire nation—”“—and how do you know that is wrong?” Pet cuts off Chapel, feeling in his wheelhouse.“Well, I guess because the Saints say so. Is that what you want me to say?”Chapel gets a little snarky, but Petsune doesn’t stoop. Instead, he thinks of Father Haltur and the countless hours of theology he was taught. “Yes, that’s what I wanted you to say. You can always tell what is right and wrong, morally. The Saints have laid it out for us.”Chapel raises an eyebrow and begins to poke at Petsune. “Yeah? Well, which one? Do I follow the theology and morality of Delód and the Deepbloods, with their tradition and reverence? Or Ründ and the True Souls, with their piety and distinction?”Petsune suddenly feels caught, and his face heats with the shame of his arrogance. “You can’t just — It’s not…”Chapel is smirking as he steals a glance at a flustered Pet. “Fortunately, things are complicated, unfortunately.”“What? That doesn’t make any sense.” Petsune feels the beginnings of annoyance bubble up inside.“I’m saying you’re oversimplifying things. Sometimes it’s good to remember you don’t have all the answers and things are confusing and complicated.”Chapel swings around into the crow’s nest and looks at Petsune.Chapel takes one more verbal shot, “Shouldn’t you be worried about the priests that know everything?” Then he winks his typical infuriating wink and begins to descend from the crow’s nest. Petsune is about to begin climbing down after him when he stops, his head protruding from the floor of the crow’s nest. “Wait. Look.” He says, pointing up toward the North Tower.As Petsune watches the place on the castle wall that was active earlier, he sees a roaring signal fire begin to burn brightly. Chapel pulls out his eyeglass and looks off to the northwest. He seems to scan the horizon for a few moments, before lowering the eyeglass. “The signal ships are lighting…”Petsune is confused however, “Signal ships? What are those?”“They’re fire ships that are burned to send a signal,” Chapel explains, “it means the navy is launching for war.”“Now?” Petsune says, shocked.“In the morning, likely. I saw some Filkish and Fellbin navy ships last night. That was probably Oullman Gunsha and more of the Broadfell navy.”Chapel taps idly on the eyeglass, staring at the roaring signal fire. Petsune feels distraught, “I thought we had more time… What do we do now?”“I don’t know…” Chapel says quietly. He feels far away, in a dreamy daze, and it might be his imagination, but he thinks he can feel the heat of the signal fire on his skin.While no part of this book or the audio will be paywalled, if you are enjoying it and want to support but can’t afford the book, my Substack paid subscription is 60% off the yearly ($12 a year, forever) and 50% off the monthly ($2.25 a month, foreeeever) Get full access to Loser’s Fiction at losersfiction.substack.com/subscribe