Coaching Habit - Part 5: The Secret to Getting What You Want

Welcome to another installment of "Confessions of a Facilitation Artist," where we delve into the art of facilitation and explore how it can transform our work and life. This week, we're continuing our series on "The Coaching Habit" by Michael Bungay Stanier, focusing on the profound Foundation Question: "What do you want?"Introduction to the Foundation QuestionThe Foundation Question is a powerful tool in coaching and leadership, designed to establish a clear understanding of the coachee's goals and desires. However, to truly grasp the context, it's often necessary to supplement this question with others like "What's the situation?" or "What do you want to achieve in this conversation?" These additional questions help clarify goals and expectations, provide a framework for the conversation, ensure relevance, build trust, and improve outcomes.Reflections on the Foundation QuestionAs I reflect on the Foundation Question, I recall a transformative experience from a retreat I attended about 15 years ago. We explored how to get what we want out of life, and it was a profound exercise. We paired up and repeatedly asked each other, "How do you get what you want?" The realization was simple yet profound: you can't get what you want unless you ask for it. This seems obvious, but it's a truth many of us forget. We often rely on luck or circumstance rather than taking conscious action.Vulnerability and Psychological SafetyAsking someone what they really want can be incredibly vulnerable. It requires a safe space to explore, and as leaders or managers, we have a responsibility to create that safety. People often retreat when they feel unsafe, and this is deeply rooted in our conditioning to constantly assess danger or safety. When we ask someone what they want, we're not just seeking an answer; we're inviting them to confront their desires and fears.Underlying Needs and the EnneagramThe Enneagram offers a fascinating perspective on this. Each personality type is driven by underlying needs—needs that are primal and often about security or connection. When someone says what they want, there's usually a deeper need beneath that desire. Understanding these needs can help us better support each other in our quests for what we want.In "The Coaching Habit," Michael Bungay Stanier references nine universal underlying needs, drawing from the work of economist Manfred Max-Neef and Marshall Rosenberg. These needs are:* Affection* Freedom* Participation* Creation* Identity* Protection* Reaction* Understanding* SubsistenceWhen you ask someone what they want, listen to see if you can guess the need that likely lies behind their request. This can help you understand the more human drivers behind their wants.The Water Stream AnalogyCommunicating what we want is like a flowing water stream. However, this stream is often blocked by small pebbles—fears and excuses that prevent us from articulating our desires clearly. These pebbles can be overwhelming, making it difficult to express what we truly want. As coaches or leaders, our role is to help clear these pebbles through probing and coaching, allowing the stream to flow freely and enabling individuals to feel safe enough to express their needs without fear of judgment.Fears and CreativityThis vulnerability also resonates with my experiences as an artist. When I sit down to create something, I have a vision, but I'm often terrified because I don't know how to get there. This fear of not meeting my own expectations can paralyze me, whether in art or in life. It's a reminder that asking for what we want isn't just about the outcome; it's about embracing the process and facing our fears.Tips for Effective UseTo effectively use the Foundation Question, it's essential to listen actively, ask follow-up questions, stay curious, avoid assumptions, and use non-leading language. By doing so, we can ensure that coaching is tailored to the coachee's specific situation, enhance engagement, increase efficiency, promote better decision-making, and build stronger relationships.ConclusionAs we conclude our exploration of the Foundation Question, remember that establishing context is foundational to effective coaching. It sets the stage for meaningful outcomes and stronger relationships with your team members. Next week, we'll continue our journey through "The Coaching Habit," exploring more tools and insights to enhance your coaching skills.Whenever you're ready, I can help you with:* Workshop design and facilitation* Facilitation and workshop training* Intention setting, planning, and incremental progress for success Get full access to Confessions of a Creative Leader at creativeleaderconfessions.substack.com/subscribe