Covid-19 Anxiety

I can't cry with the fear that It’ll aggravate my symptoms Chest tight blurry vision My body is weak I don’t want to speak to quickly as ill become breathless Can’t think to eat trying to stay up with fear of drifting during my sleep No one to talk to I’m probably fine it’s all in my mind I know ill be a patient soon Im aware I stare at the wall foreseeing what's near oxygen, Ambient, and fluoxetine will soon be part of my daily needs How do I know, because I do If you knew me you would know too I write to you the other me to get through because the emergency room isn’t an option I’ve been to the urgent care twice All I can do is pray to make it through the night despite feeling breathless how reckless can I be How sickly did I not know I was I look above and I might find peace as tears fall from my eyes Have I been chosen I’m tired god I’’m awaken Im sorry god for I have forsaken you Ive always taken care of me through the grace of you Ive  always taken care of me because no one else did nor is it their responsibility but I can't do this anymore I’ve been brought to my knees Ive suppressed my feelings Ive put on smiles I’ve pressed through anxiety? Or that's what they told me But never have I ever experienced such a thing This December 2019 I felt like a dark spirit had moved into my body and posted As I walked freely I felt like something was squeezing my diaphragm I consistently had body aches mutt-led taste and a low desire for eating I lost 20 pounds on the couch that winter I didn’t recognize myself to have lost control in this way I didn’t know what to say to not have an answer confused me I’m used to controlling everything but when your body turns there is no barring back to work I pushed though plane to plane swollen cavs, and toes, rashes along my thoracic cavity hot tea hot tea everyday I drank sleeping sitting up to help my airway it wasn’t easy those beginning weeks then boom quarantine theres this new thing covid-19 I’ve heard of it but I didn’t know the extent of the symptoms no one did apparently my doctors neither I had been taking Xanax, albuterol, and hydroxyzine. For what they deemed late-onset asthma and panic attacks because of it. I don’t blame them I don’t feel resentment I believe hydroxyzine saved my life antihistamine properties helps the fight peer reviews pub med posted this twice flight to flight LA to Baltimore Denver to Lubbock to Houston to Austin Iowa to Kansas to Kansas back to fucking Kansas ! it was inevitable I get it again poison through my veins same thing heavy in the chest I can’t breath plane to plane with recycled air face mask down face mask up face mask down face mask up somebodies eating nuts nobody gives a fuck but I’m the hero with checks with a whole lotta zeros hospital to hospital lab to lab testing equipment making big fucking bags but I’m not breathing eating from someone else hands sleeping in bougie moderately sanitized hotel rooms cheesing barely sleeping not wanting to breathe in gasps after gasps contaminating my lungs but its big big fun flewed out only home on Saturdays if you wanna to see me mother fucka betta catch a plane 3 years down the fucking drain patriarchy on my neck I just want a breath I fucking fucking quit