Dating - Heart and Behavior Discrepancy

Good morning, Five Minute Families! We are Jim and Kim Nestle of Clear View Retreat. Our family camp ministry is available to all families in the norms and storms of life. And, one of the very NORMal aspects of life is finding a life mate - someone with whom you can grow old with, share your dreams with, and, most importantly, represent the Lord with. Dating is a massive topic, and as we discussed this series, we realized that there are general areas for conversation and some needed specific areas of conversation. Today, we will address a very specific issue that not all dating couples will deal with, but because it was brought to our attention, we would like to start with it. This intro will touch on some of the points that we will detail out in the coming weeks, but if you have something that jumps out at you, please comment on our facebook page or send us an email. You can find either link at the top on our website clearviewretreat.org. Let’s dive in.Most of us do not meet someone, fall in love, and get married in three weeks. Dating is for the purpose of FINDING the proper mate, not MOLDING a specific person INTO the proper mate. Only God can do the necessary molding for a good and godly mate. Spending time with peers, whether in group settings or dating, allows a single person to get to know characteristics and behaviors that become non-negotiable needs or dislikes for their forever relationships. Many young ladies I have known, myself included, feel that when they are (or were) dating, she is intentionally spending time with that person in order to marry him, not just to see if she WANTS to marry HIM specifically. With this mindset, if a dating couple encounters a major problem, it MUST be worked through and overcome as a MARRIAGE requires instead of realizing that this is a DATING relationship that might not be the forever relationship that God has planned. I have heard several people say in their dating relationships, “His heart doesn’t match his behavior” referring to the differences in how the dating partner behaves in private versus how he behaves in public. For many of those folks, it causes numerous problems and divisions from friends and family members.Please note, that if your significant other behaves badly in private and behaves well in public, that is require a vastly different conversation than we are having here now. We will discuss this more in coming weeks.Today, we are talking about when you or someone you love, such as one of your teen or young adult children, says that their boyfriend or girlfriend’s behavior in public which is obnoxious or rude or disrespectful or crass behavior, you get the idea - is not the same as his or her behavior in private wherein he or she is kind, gentle, and caring - especially when it is just the two of them together - thus the statement, “their heart doesn’t match their behavior.” That statement is simply not biblically true because God is not a liar. This is a hard chat to have with someone in love, but God’s word says in Matthew 12:34 “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” We all want to be in denial that our worst behaviors are somehow NOT reflective of our inner heart’s attitude, but reality is that those bad behaviors reveal SOMETHING about us. Note, this is not to say that our bad behaviors reveal we are bad people or that someone in a dating relationship with this issue must immediately stop seeing the other person. However, our behaviors do, indeed, reveal something that is going on in our hearts, and when we are interacting with those in dating relationships, we five-minute families must speak God’s truth in love.Reasons abound for why there may be a discrepancy in someone’s public and private behavior. The most obvious one is that our first thoughts are not often the God thoughts we will come to if we take time to pray, meditate, and allow the Holy Spirit to work in us. So, if we let those first thoughts come out of our mouths before taking them to the Lord, it often isn’t pretty. Other reasons for good private & bad public behavior incongruity include:Mental health issues such as anxiety, especially if these mental health issues are not yet diagnosed.A trauma response. A past trauma experience can be subconsciously brought to mind by a smell, sound, or other stimulus, so we often do not know why a bad behavior is coming out in what may be an otherwise benign situation.A false belief. We have discussed before false beliefs affecting our thoughts which in turn then control our behaviors. It is hard to weed out false beliefs at times, and it requires self-awareness and introspection.Lying about one behavior or the other. Some people are duplicitous. They are liars and manipulators. So, even though private behavior is positive at this point, it could still be indicative of a person who is double minded. And, lastly, immaturity - including, the immature, attention-seeking mentality that even negative attention puts the person in the spotlight and is better than no attention.If you or someone you know is in ANY type of relationship with this public/private discrepancy, begin praying and asking God to reveal the cause and to bring healing, so that the fruit of the spirit will fill and overflow from that person’s heart.Thank you for joining us. Be blessed!