Ep 17: 5 Ways to Bond with Your Adopted Child

Show Notes Episode 17 In this Episode Heather discusses: 5 Ways to Bond with Your Adopted Child Adoption Children's book recommendations Links Mentioned: fortheloveofadoption.com https://fortheloveofadoption.com/adoption-books/ Adoption. It's surrounded with so much confusion and misinformation. And how many people never move forward with adoption because of this? Hi, I'm Heather. I'm not an adoption coach or consultant, and I'm not with an adoption agency. I'm a mom to two amazing kids I've been blessed with through adoption. And on this journey, I've learned and continue to learn a lot. Most of all, I believe that if God has put adoption on your heart, it's there for a reason. And you shouldn't let all the steps keep you from building your family through adoption. I'm here to offer you hope and encouragement, and to talk about everything from types of adoption, things to know before you adopt, funding your adoption, including grants, the home study process, making the most of your adoption wait, talking to your kids about adoption, and so much more. Adoption can be hard, but many of the best things in life often are. You know what, though? It can also be amazing. I'm here to share what I've learned. I hope hearing from someone that has gone this road before you encourages and motivates you to take a step of faith and see where it leads. I'm doing this all for the love of adoption. Let's dive in. Hello friends, welcome to episode 17 of the For the Love of Adoption Show. Today I am going to talk about adoption attachment and specifically five ways to bond with your adopted child. So, when you decide to adopt a child, you probably can't imagine anything other than just instant attachment once you hold your child in your arms, and as amazing as it is when attachment happens quickly and naturally, it is okay if that isn't your story, it's more than okay, it's normal. The good news is that regardless of the natural level of attachment that does, or does not, happen there are things that you can do to encourage a healthy bond between you and your child right from the beginning. So, before we get into the five specific ways to foster attachment with your child, I'm going to go over some important things to keep in mind.  First of all, just breathe and give yourself time. With a pregnancy, many women grow attached as the baby grows within them. But honestly, even many biological mothers have issues attaching to their child. And in both cases, it's often a process of falling in love over time, rather than love at first sight. And that is okay. If you're telling yourself you have to be head over heels in love with your child in a certain amount of time, that's just putting so much unnecessary pressure on yourself. So, give yourself some grace. And honestly, if your child is more challenging, give yourself some extra grace. I will tell you from experience, it is easier to feel "all the feels" toward a child that barely cries and sleeps through the night at three months old than one that still wakes you up multiple times in the middle of the night when they're over a year old. But here's the thing, the child you'll end up with or that you already have is the child you're meant to have. Maybe they're in your life to teach you something, maybe you're exactly what they need, but most likely it's both. So, if it takes a little while to feel the love, that's okay. If you have to fake it till you make it. It's okay. The attachment and the love is going to come. But if it takes some time, don't worry about it. Just do your best to nurture this little child the best you can because the simple act of caring for someone incapable of caring for themselves that will build upon itself over time and create a level of attachment. Also remember this, you get to choose; the Greek word that is translated as receive means to take, to grasp to seize, receive as well as to take to oneself something or someone. The opposite of receiving something is to reject it. So, you have a choice. Your choice is to receive this child that God has placed in your life regardless of feeling or to reject them. By receiving them, you're not only honoring God. You're also setting yourself up for the best he has for you. He would not have called you to adoption in place this specific child in your life if it wasn't what he intended for you. Now let's look at five practical ways to encourage attachment between you and your child. Number one, do not underestimate physical touch. Hold your child. With an infant enjoy skin on skin contact and invest in a good baby carrier. With older children keep them close by holding hands or putting your arm around them, carry your child to bed or in from the car, play piggyback, cuddle and rock. My daughter is five and there is still no doubt that physical touch is one of her love languages. She's happiest when she's attached to me in some way. It's sweet, and I'm so glad she has that level of attachment to me even though at times I need my space as an introvert. But I believe at least part of the reason she's this way is that I always held and snuggled her as much as I could. Number two, play with your child. Children love to play. It helps their development and their social skills. But more importantly, it helps with bonding. You're speaking their love language when you play. With an infant, this can be something simple like shaking a rattle or a stuffed toy for them or just laying on the floor with them. And for toddlers, it can be a simple game of blocks, playdough, a game of catch. Don't overthink it. They're just happy to play with you. And if they're old enough to make a certain request, play what they want to play. Remember this though, you do not have to play for hours on end for this to help with bonding. Even just a few minutes a day goes a long way to help build attachment. I know my daughter would play ponies with me all day if I could. And I can't and honestly, it's not something I want to do for long periods of times. I try my best to take those times with her to sit down and play even if it's not something that I'm really interested in. Because it's important to her. She loves that time with me and it helps with bonding. Number three, look at your child. Eye contact helps establish an emotional connection and when you take the time to look at your child, this helps you learn them. It helps you form a bond. A mutual gaze is a form of communication. It helps them learn that you're the one caring for them, and it helps them start building trust. Number four, read to your child. Reading to your child gets them used to your voice. When a child's adopted, this is a wonderful way to get them familiar with your voice. A recent study in the Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics found that reading to babies in the NICU can help parents develop the same feelings of intimacy that parents have healthy newborns cultivate in the days and weeks after a baby's birth. So that's a big deal. It doesn't matter what books you read your baby. The idea is really that they're consistently hearing your voice and starting to learn that you're the one caring for and loving them. Of course, if you have an older child that you've adopted, read books that they enjoy, because then they're going to be more tuned in. If you do need ideas for great books to read to adopted children of all ages, I'll put a link in the show notes. Number five, sing to your child. This also revolves around your child hearing your voice. And it helps build the bond between you and your child. Singing to your child can improve their mood. And if it's an infant, that's going to also help with feeding and sleeping. And this all contributes to growth and development. And the good news is that your child loves the sound of your voice. Whether you consider yourself a good singer or no. Even my five year old daughter's yet to judge me when I'm off key and hitting all the wrong notes. And then a bonus tip. Say I love you as much as you can. You can never say it too much. Remember, God didn't put this child in your life by mistake. This child is 100% yours even if you don't feel like it yet, look into their eyes, look at their sweet little hands, smell their sweet little head and realize that by the grace of God, they're yours. Whether you feel it or not, they're yours. Just keep caring for them the best you can. The rest will come. You waited as long as it took to adopt. So don't beat yourself up if you have to wait to feel attachment. God is faithful to His promises. He says that whoever receives one such child in my name receives me. Thanks so much for listening in today. And did you know that I offer a full library of free resources to help you along on your adoption journey. Just go to fortheloveofadoption.com and scroll to the bottom of the homepage, you will be able to access all kinds of PDFs there to help you along different stages of your adoption journey. And if you've enjoyed this at all, if you could please leave me a review and rating it helps more than you know. Talk to you next time.