Okay, from underlying, like, feeling that you want to make sure that I want to make sure that our relationship is respected when you have a conversation with people, because it doesn't affect our relationship if you get close with another woman, if you become friends with that person. Because women are kick-ass and we can be funny and we can be smart, we can have really good insight and give a really good help. Men not so much so, like, I don't know how close I'm gonna get with other men, but, you know, women. With every now and then, you'll end up with a conversation when you do it, actually, you know, that it's actually nice that if you don't even have to say, I have a problem with separating flirtation from them, because it's from them, because not that I don't see it, but that I assume every guy who looks at me is interested in fucking me.
And I know that it's not true. It's not, that sounds really terrible, and it's not from an irresistible point of view, it's not, right, it's not that I think I'm so beautiful and that, like, every guy wants me, it's not that. Or like, I've had a million more experiences in guys speaking to me solely to take me home rather than speaking to me because they are interested in getting to know me. And so because of that now, I'm like cautious when I've got a person, even the people that I met at the hostel, I feel cautious and I feel kind of like I'm being kind of rude.
I noticed myself speaking to these people from like a, just me, like, you can talk to me, but I'm not gonna be super nice to you, because I didn't know if they're flirting with me or not. When I'm in a relationship, now when I'm single, you know, you just let anyone talk to you because you're open for people to talk to you. But I have no interest at all in flirting with anybody, that doesn't even, like, suit me. It doesn't interest me.
In fact, like, when I heard these guys were talking to me, I was like, kind of just wishing you were there. It's like, so I can show them you. You know, like, I have no interest in flirting with you. The young lady guy whose diaper was, but Oscar wasn't, he's old, isn't even a man who knew that I was never looking at him twice.
So he was talking to me very friendly. But the young, like, 25-year-old bodybuilding diver guy definitely was, and I found myself being rude. Because I was talking about you, he followed us in social media, media, yet, like, he was still asking me about me, he was asking me about my plans, he was, like, trying to comfort me because I was there, like, without you, you know, and, like, you know, give boyfriend to you out. And I never said anything like that.
I just didn't need to have a part. And I need to figure out how to allow myself to open up and be friends with guys and not just assume they're in it for me, how. And, you know, I think that you're saying, you know, I appreciate that so much. Right.
Right. So for real, like, I- That's what you have to do with that. And with me and everybody, what are they saying? They're not saying what you're saying.
They're saying what they're saying. They're saying what they're saying. Right? Because he might do it like for labels on things because we're a go, like, that's what we're doing in a position.
Right? I really appreciate you saying that, by the way. For real. So this is what I started doing.
When I was single, I was going to the club and I were just to talk to it. And the only thing I wanted was for people to see my goodness, right? So how do I do that myself? Without 100% having that thing, that- You're trying to get my money?
Yes. So I love it. And I saw somebody that I looked for you or did something that I thought was cool or hackled air or even fucking dudes. I would go and come with them.
I was like, hey, I just want to say that. I think it's a great day. And they were like, oh, thank you so much. I'm like, turn around and walk away.
And it's something that I like the shirt or whatever it is. So I was walking around and I was like, okay, I think it was a very nice day. I think it was a very nice day. I think it was pretty cool.
And some of them were like, ugh, you know. But very few, very few of the 100 I said do probably five or like two or something like that. And most of them were like, oh, really? Thank you.
Generally, thank you for it. And especially because I was a business. And I told him I had to think of it out there at the shoulder. Like, you know, I tried to get the eye.
I said, well, I think you're pretty. You're like, oh, thank you. You're welcome. That's all I did.
And I even said to my dude, my guy, I said, I did that. And they were like, oh, that's really cool. And then he figured it. And they made me feel like I bought what I needed that.
Which is, you know, they thank you for truly expressing myself. As who I am. Without having to know, you know, get your clothes and ask them if they want to get a brand. You know, you don't have to know.
You don't have to know. You don't have to know. You don't have to know. You just do that, right?
I asked those butterflies when I tell me from the first night that we were hanging out at Shiller's or when I was the second night. And they were like, do you want to get out of here? And I sounded like a fucking movie to me. Like, no one ever actually said that to me.
And we were sitting over by the arcade game. And you like, grab my hand. And in front of all of your Norwegian friends, I was shocked that you did that. And we walked outside and we sat at the table.
And like, just started talking. And like that. Of course, I'm interested in you because we've been texting for so long. Something that I really want to do with you is go back and read our personal text messages.
Because I want to show you and remind you why we connected in the first place. Because that person is still me. And I think it, I got like, when we were in, or when we were in, or when I was writing the stuff or the Valentine's Day wall. I think it was really eye opening to be reminded of why we connected in the first place.
But, you know, the way you handled talking to me. I didn't feel like you were just trying to get in my pants. I didn't feel like, especially- It wasn't. That's why I've been upping for a fucking year.
That's why people were surprised that I hung out with Jeanette. Like, how the fuck did you even know? I was like, I didn't try. I was trying to be friendly.
And that's what, with anybody else, like, before that also, it doesn't tell me now if you need to be like, oh, what's up, baby? Fuck that shit. It's not me. So that's why you didn't feel it.
And it's not because I tried to be someone that I'm not. It's because I was who I am. And still, you know, whenever this angry personality is, you know, erupts when it's enough. Or whenever I tell myself it is.
You know, that's awesome. And the emotional person that cries when I feel hurt is me too. And that just affects me negatively. And then that affects me negatively.
And that's what we need to face tonight, Jeanette. But I think, for me, the best way to show me that you aren't being flirtated to another girl. Or you're just trying to have good conversation. Or you're just trying to be cool people.
Or you're just trying to open up your experiences. It's just to stay true to how you treat me, right? Like, you know, for a public and we're talking to girls. Like, you know, or if you were talking to girls and you continue to talk for a really long time.
Like, the way in chillers, you know, I would be to talk to them whomever you wanted to do whatever. But you would come over to me and you'd check on me and you'd say hi. And you'd keep me updated. Or you'd pull me over to like, talk to whoever you're talking to.
Just like, if you just like, stay true to who we are as a couple. Who I am. Right. Because of who I am is being with you.
Because the moment, you know, I feel like your implementation with me, drops. Or you're continuing to testing this girl that you met instead of having conversations with me. Or as soon as it feels like you're not staying true to who we are as a couple. That's when I'll start to feel insecure.
But until that point. I'm not right. Because I would not like you to do nothing. That would make me feel like I have no reason to be with you.
And since I want to be with you, I have no strong relationship. And I will never make you feel like me. Thank you. If I'm trying to do what I'm trying to do, which is build a strong relationship, that I can't do those things.
It's a way for my goal. It's not even on the way, you know. Yeah. That is not in my ass.
So it won't happen. What is your... Exactly. It's a build a strong relationship with you.
To understand how I can be a better partner. To understand what I do wrong. And how I can fix it. And be aware of that.
And then act on it. Right. I can think that these are the five things I need to do to keep their partner. But they never actually do anything.
Because from the moment that I'm aware of what I need to do and to where I'm comfortable with accomplishing it, a whole bunch of fucking promises and processes I need to say to get there. So that's my goal. My goal is to... If we ever get to that point where we're like, okay, yeah, this doesn't work.
I tried everything. I agree. That's how I feel. There's nothing more for me to tackle.
It only gets to that point. And I can take... You know, fifty fucking years. You can never know how long I can take.
But I don't want to leave you or leave you. And I think that I could have tried this. Or I could have tweaked this about myself. That would fix the thing that broke in.
If I don't entirely, then whatever. Right. But you still need to stay true to yourself. Right.
In the same life. I need to stay true to myself in our relationship. But at the same time. That's a fine line that you're walking.
Stay true to yourself. But also being willing to change who you are for the better to help your relationship. Exactly. That's why I want to be my myself.
It's being myself. Not only for myself. But for the person that I'm like, right. So I can't be the best for us.
So I'm not the best for myself. Right. That's why I keep thinking. That's why I want to...
Not only teach you, but everybody will find more. I haven't accomplished that yet. But I know it's important. So when I keep saying like self love.
And all those things are important. And I'm trying to like teach you. However I'm trying to express that. Because I know it's important.
Because I know it's important. Because I've accomplished it myself. Right. And that's why I say to my brother.
And if you do anybody that is struggling with something. You're going to fucking do it for after yourself first. And if I say to my kids. Don't care about the fuck I'm saying.
Like if you were my daughter. If you love something. And I'm telling you. You shouldn't do that because something else.
You should listen to yourself and listen to me. Right. And that's why I'm like that's so important for anybody. So it's not because it's not to be the best for you.
It's to be the best for me. So that we can't build a strong relationship. Because I truly believe that the best you is the best person in the world for me. Now of course there are other people in the world who I feel like I could be compatible with.
Right. There are other people in the world who I feel like I would get along with. And that I would eventually love. But I have you.
And I did a lot of reading last night like I said. And I did a lot of reading about what happens. Like the honeymoon phase is just that phase in which you're like having dreams about the person and you're like the heart flutters and you think of them. And a lot of people say that that typically goes within like six months to a year.
And after about, I have never had a long-term relationship. I've dated John, David and James for about 18 months before things so far. All around the exact amount of time. About 18 months before.
I left them. I left David. Or no. I left David.
I left David. I left David all of them after about 18 months because that's what things so hard. And so I did a lot of research about like what does it mean to have relationships like after that love fluttering phase. A lot of people don't last because that's what they think love is.
And that's what they lose. Or if you lose it then you can't be. Right. And then they want to go watch that feeling again.
And that feeling is great, right? That feeling is the feeling when you're falling in love with somebody. When you like are smiling at the test and I mean that feeling is amazing. But that feeling never lasts.
So if you just continue to search for your whole life you can have that feeling as much as you want. That's a faction of true love. Because that's not true love. The falling of love part.
Because you don't actually know that person. So a lot of things that I was reading is that like having a relationship past that kind of move the phase means you are choosing that person quote unquote for better or for worse. Because you want to be with them as a person. I read that there are a lot of times that couples work together for like 15 years.
They go through phases where they sometimes feel like they don't even love each other anymore. You know they feel like their love is drifted. And then they want to still want to be with that person so that they do things together. They go on dates.
They go on vacations. And they find how they can do together to bring that love back. And it's a wave of feeling like you don't love that person and love that person. But I would choose that every single time over the feeling of not trusting somebody.
Over the feeling of not having anybody who knows me like you do. Or not having to find somebody again who I can review myself as a soul the way I have to you. So our relationship from now on is going to be about choosing each other. And choosing and going after things that remind us why we love each other.
Doing things that are purposely for feeling connected. Because before you feel connected when you're in the room with that person. You just feel like you feel like that all the time. You feel like you've got to be connected even when you're not in the room with that person.
That's where I go to the beginning also. I felt like I could just pick up my phone and talk to my best friend. And that feeling that you know that from the beginning from the shift of not having anybody is that you know endorphin whatever it is you bring as far as that feeling. Well it's especially with you with ADHD.
I did a lot of reading on that too. And people at ADHD are dopamine seekers. Which is why people at ADHD are often drug addicts. Or they're alcoholics.
Or they're sex addicts. Or they're porn addicts. Because you're constantly searching for that dopamine. That's why I think you got addicted to porn.
Because there's a lot of people who watch porn but can stop if they watch you. Or can choose not to. But I think the dopamine that you get from watching porn is addictive. Because your ADHD brain searches for dopamine.
That's why you like drugs and cocaine. And drinking a party because your ADHD brain is searching for that. And you got that from our relationship in the beginning as well. But then when that goes away.
Obviously I'm trying not to overcome my fears. And one of those fears is you're not getting that dopamine in these for me anymore. And finding somebody else when you're out. That gives you that feeling because you have that flirtatious connection.
So. You know what fear does. Well exactly. You know what fear does.
You have your own fears too. I know what fear does. Like what I'm saying is we know what fear does. Right.
So anything what fear does is create whatever your faith has only been done. So. So that's an interesting piece of information I did. And when I hear you say that.
I also look back at my life. You're like fuck there's so many things coming since. And correlates with that. Like fucking what I did wrong.
Saying when I went to all the festivals. And when I you know spent $1,250 for two weeks on alcohol and partying and smoking weed. And you know. Because your brain is searching for dopamine.
Dopamine. Dopamine. What's feeling. Like when I didn't have that.
I didn't have a job and I was sleeping at my mom's couch. Of course you're going to go out and drink. Of course you know. Of course.
You don't have to. There's nothing to blame for that. That is completely natural. I mean you know.
When I was by myself and I was living with my mom with my parents. Like I actually did it for like the first six months when I moved home after being with James. I didn't go out and drink. I bought a bottle of wine.
I sat in my room. I watched BTS videos. I wrote. That sounds something that I would enjoy also.
But like I. That's why I think that I understand that I can beat. I can do things for myself. I can take time for myself.
I enjoy so much going home from work. And smoking weed. And getting the shower. And just dancing to BTS for an hour.
Being high. Like I know that I can entertain myself. And be happy in myself. And I don't really know where I was going out with that.
Actually. Yeah but I think we're just expressing that. Since it's not that we ate it. So I spent, you know, several month period in which it was just me.
I meant people at work. But all those princesses just. I never connected with one. I never connected with a princess that I wanted to see after work.
Because I felt like they were all just superficial. And that's just my own judgement right. That's just me not getting them a chance. But from initial interactions.
I didn't feel like I connected with anybody. That's crucial to carry yourself. So instead I spent six months in my bedroom. Drinking wine by myself.
And just enjoying my own time. And I know that I can do that again. If I had to. But it's really nice.
To have. Right. If you want to have that time. Fucking.
You want to set your room by yourself. And watch because there's all lines. And you don't want me there. And I'll be like.
Fucking. Please. Go do that. Right.
And it doesn't take for me. You don't buy it. You don't buy it. You don't buy it.
You don't buy it. You don't buy it. You don't buy it. You don't buy it.
You don't buy it. You don't buy it. You don't buy it. Cause I can't buy it.
You can go and figure it out. So you can schedule it. How was that? How was it?
How was it? Do you do that? Right. Cause I...
Cause we can see here and talk about how we gotta fix it? No. So when it comes to us taking timecards and being, Oh wait for somebody to do their own thing, I can't stress enough that I'd enjoy that so much. But when we're not good.
It's really difficult. Like everyone was telling you know like you're alone. You're in Bollywood. Like go out and do something like have fun.
Enjoy yourself. blah blah blah. And I really wanted to do that. Like I wanted to.
I went out to look for a bar to sit at and try to talk to people. I went out walking down the beach looking for a bar to try to find somebody to sit down and talk. Like I wanted that. But when you and I aren't good, like when my home isn't good, I just have a sick feeling that I couldn't get past.
And I think for me, I enjoy my alone time and I enjoy doing things by myself when I feel good with us. That's when I can really just enjoy it. Like I want to be in a good place with you when we do that, because otherwise... Like if you go out and you're doing it to replace that, I don't know how to do it.
So if we can maintain a healthy communication, we can maintain being able to just stay on a good vibe. And I understand that we'll go human and there's no way you can live on a highway forever. But... You can make it lower this higher.
Right. And that's a path, right? Because you don't have to make it higher. No.
Because our highs are amazing. And the highs get higher by how well we take care of our goals. That's the way of life, right? The quicker you stop it lower, the higher than the higher.
Because the way of getting higher than the savings is 100 meters. And you stop at minus 50. You can't come at 50. But if you stop it lower, then the next time at minus 20, you're going to be 8%.
Right. So the way of getting higher is by taking care of our goals, right? You know, and appreciating the highs. Obviously, enjoying that, knowing that this will act, right?
We're just enjoying it. So I think it manifests as a great sign. And something that will wake up in the middle of the day. That's what I suggested when we were in Austin.
And we can do it before meditate or whatever, while we stretch or whatever. We can hang on the wall. While we're being truthful and talking about this kind of stuff. Something that is important to me is understanding how we feel sexually.
Which is why I brought that up when we were at our e-house. And have a conversation. Our e-house. What are you talking about?
Yeah. What are you talking about? Yeah. What are you talking about?
We were like sex and boundaries and feeling. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because one thing that I clicked with so much about you is how you made me feel about my body.
And how I believed that you didn't care that I had small blues. You didn't care that I had small blood. You didn't care that. Because you would just be bucks like rabbits all the time at the beginning.
And of course that slows down. But I enjoy how I sex with you. I think you're really high. And the feeling that I get in the fuck is unreal.
I wish I could put words like, it's like mindfulness meditation at the same time. I'm feeling like alive and feeling desired. Maybe that's just because I'm a female. I see sex differently than men.
I see it as an expression of love. Especially when it's with you. I see it as a time to connect with you in a way that I can't connect with any other human being on a planet. I give that to you.
I want to learn. Because my brain about sex is fucking cool. And I feel like that's how I understand also what you say. I understand that that is the goal with sex.
I understand that sex is supposed to be something that you only share with one person in the next twenty-six in the moment that you only have this other person. It's supposed to keep you feeling right. And I have more support over the tenures. And I also realize that the reason I feel the way that I feel when I have sex is because of you is great.
I love having sex with you. But I also notice that I'm insecure when I have sex. I also notice that I can't let a hundred percent know when I have sex. And I don't know if I'm willing to learn anything but because it's all I can do for a long time.
And I want to unlearn that. I want to understand, I can understand that it's hard because of ADC and other editions I have about four. I still have. So learning how to not feel that way more is another thing.
I've never... It's probably not going to be an easy challenge too. And it already isn't, right? It's a hard thing to get out of there.
It's already... So I understand how I can do that. And obviously for a step it's like, you know, stop waiting for it. And I've watched so little like, compared to what I did before I met you.
Like, I would watch once three times a day. Or wait in the morning. I would... You know, time's a little bit of work.
I would, you know, come in this place and I do. They're coming from, uh, time Mondays. I would do what Marcus is eating. Like, I do it all the time.
So compared, like, I'm not even being half of what I would do earlier. Right? So the progression myself is what I'm like cheating myself for. And like, you know, say you could chop it out instead of be like, oh, you know, I'll punish myself for a few times that I have.
And I guess, I don't know. I'm just, it's a process, you know. Do you think it's possible? Yeah, I know it.
And I know I will get there. I know that at one point it'll be like, you know, it'll be so, you know, it'll come out of the morning and cross my mind. I understand that that's where I, that's where I'm going. Well, not, I mean, like not quitting your addiction porn, but seeing sex with me differently.
Yeah. I think that's possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, yeah, I understand.
Like, I know I'm going there. And it's the same, like, you know, impatient thing when you come to make a contract and how far it will come. It's the same process. It's the same brain, the same thing with the same thing with a different process.
Right. So I'm punishing myself for not already being there, but I've already gotten so far. I've got to fight. Me too.
I appreciate, I appreciate you saying that. So, so how I, I get there, I don't know, because I keep asking myself a question now. Like, what would it take for me to get to where you are? And I don't know.
I just know what I might have to do and that's what I do. Right. And, and one of the few things about who I am and working out that I completely, you know, switch is one, like, completely 100% memory and more form. And, and two, like, working out every day, knowing and feeling how that is, how that is, how that is, how that is.
Right. What are the two things in my life that I think will completely change my mindset about where I am and about what I do and how I, how I process dance and how I think those two things are on the top line that's like, this is something that I can do quickly and start with. And until then, until I actually get myself to do that, I don't think I will know how to get there. Right.
I think that those two things will get me. Okay. What do you feel when we finish having sex? Right.
Because how I imagine, why I imagine you actually what you do when we finish having sex is because you're used to finishing watching porn, coming and then swiping out and going on Instagram or going to sleep or doing whatever you're doing because you, sex is that and then being done. Yeah. As a woman, having sex with a man, every single time it's over. Right.
Like, it's over because it's over for you. It's over for the man. As a woman. The first thing we talked about.
Right. My love hormones, my connection feeling is still there because I would have kept going if you hadn't stopped. Not that I need to keep going because I can stop, but my connection feeling that I have from sex is still there. But for a man, most often, it's done when they come and then they're on to the next thing.
That's why there's a whole stigma with the way women do sex, but it's because we still have those feelings. There's the feeling of connection, the feeling of romance, the feeling of love that comes from, you know, there's difference in just fucking somebody. Like, what I did with Ben Big was not what I do with you, for example. Like, it's not even comparative.
It's not the same feeling. And when I expect you, it's not a completely different realm of what sex is. And so I still feel like connected. I still feel like I'm having those feelings.
And then it's just over. And I'm left with feeling feeling. Right. If somebody doesn't tell me then, yeah, how the fuck would I, if that's not, yeah.
So then to understand how I can learn more from you, how would you picture us acting towards each other after sex? Like, what would satisfy you? What would give you a feeling that is enough for opposite of what you're explaining? You know, I actually don't know, I think I would say I don't know exactly what that would be.
Because I feel like it's, it's, it's having this conversation and explaining to you like what I would want. And then getting that next time or one time would feel in genuine. It would feel like you are just simply doing it because I expressed to you that this is what I want. But I'll tell you, you know, after sex is over to continue on that, that wave of feeling with cuddling after and kissing and telling me that you love me.
And, and I feel somewhat kind of stuck in my idea of sex. Because I'm all for anybody fucking whoever they want to fuck. Like, I've never sex shamed somebody who has a lot of sex like you do you. Like, sex is what it is to each individual person.
But to me as a human, especially when I'm having sex with somebody that I love, it's, it's a feeling of a way that I can give my body and have a connection with another human that I can't have with anybody else on planet. And I choose to give that to you. So I feel, I feel like I give a piece of myself to you every time we have sex. I feel like I open up a realm of vulnerability and a realm of who I am as a person that you don't see otherwise other than when I'm fucking you.
That's a, that's a, an aspect of me that comes out during that time. And then when sex is over and you know with me in the eyes or you want to roll over and start the next task, I feel like I have to try to suffocate those feelings of connection and love so that you can go on and do the next thing. And now I'm not saying like we have to cuddle for hours or, or you have to ignore whatever you want to do next because there's obviously times when you want to fuck and then you get up and do other shit like that's not what we're going to do the whole day. But just some type of gesture of understanding that I'm still, I'm still in sex mode.
I would not say it's always like that, but it's always there to some degree. To some degree I still feel like these romantic loving hormones that are rushing through my body while we're fucking and then I have to suffocate those when sex is over. Hey, how was that? It's not easy.
It's a lot of talking myself out of, out of what ifs and whys and whysy acting or it's a lot of, it's a lot of picking myself back up every time. Oh. But I don't expect anything of you knowing that you have had a 13-year poor addiction. All I can imagine is what that must have done to your view of what sex is.
And for me to expect for you to see sex differently just because I do would be wrong with me. But I do feel that if you were able to get to the feeling that I get when we fuck, the feeling of connection, the feeling of being able to open up your vulnerable side and just let completely go and forget what is happening outside of the bed. Like I'm not thinking about my day. I'm not thinking about what I gotta do next.
I'm not thinking about anything else than like that exact moment. Right. Let's check. I feel like I'm always seeing the world with everything I do with a realm of observation, even when I'm public.
Like I am in the situation, but there's a step outside of it that I'm viewing it on the outside. And when I'm high, it happens even more from the outside, right? But most of the time, it's like, in whatever situation, I picture myself from outside. I see it as like, as I am acting towards anything.
I see, I look at myself in that moment and I ask, how does this look? I can, I can especially see how that would apply to sex because you're so used to seeing it from the outside. You've seen it from the outside a million times more than you have from the inside. And to you, that's what sex is.
To you, sex is. It is why I'm taught that sex is, and I know that that's when we went up and taught that sex is not what it is. I know what sex is. I know what sex is supposed to be like.
I know that sex is supposed to be, it's connected between two people, and you only have this person. I know that you're like, that is what sex is. It's a, it's a, it's a reason it's called making love because that's what we're doing. We're creating love here in the moment of just being that person.
But when I, when I, when I have, you know, watched porn all these years, as you say, I've watched it on the outside, even knowing that sex is, you know, I, even though I've watched porn, I'm also interested in knowing that. I remember looking up like, do porn people have relationships? Like, how is it after relationships, you know? Do they always, are they always porn stars for the rest of their lives?
Or can they have relationships? I remember reading about those things. And, and what I've seen is that some porn stars, you know, understand that, that they have to pull out because they're getting into the division of, of what a good relationship is. Or they were getting into the division of, or a mind's image of what it is to be a healthy partner, right?
So, I've heard stories of people that was not able to go back to their relationship, and that was still struggling. And people that never pulled out at porn stars, you know, fucking 50-year-old porn stars, you know, that have been since they were 20, and that's just how they choose to live their lives, right? And then there's, you know, people that managed to pull out and, you know, you know, change their mindsets. So, what I, what I expect myself unlearning is, is that, um, I have to switch the, the, the, the equals, the urgency to feel satisfied, you know, jerking out.
It's, it's the ability to hold off to, because that is something that, like, earlier today when we had sex, it was better than, than, than most of the times, because I feel like in the dawn set of days, right? And, and I, and I felt like I could, I could let more go, because I felt like I loved you even more than I did previously. Like, I felt more for you in today's session of sex. And that's why I could, because I don't know if you noticed, but there was like a sliver of more letting go of more and more, really.
I hadn't felt this, and it didn't feel awkward, it felt right, right? So, and I just, and I felt like I had so many times, right? I understand that when I feel that vulnerability, that it doesn't feel vulnerable, it feels great, right? So, so I understand where I'm going, I understand what I'm supposed to be, and knowing that also, you know, allows me a clear goal, and, and I think that's, I'm learning.
And I think I'm going to, like, we talk about 13 years of, of porn addiction, and, you know, we usually say that it takes half that time to give a bit of a, with any addiction. If you smoke for 20, then take 10 years to get out of it. If you, whatever addiction is going to take, you have that year at least. So, or 50% of whatever, however long you've done, the thing that you're addicted to, right?
So, so in theory, it's taking six and a half years before I'm fully out of it, right? But, I believe that, I will understand earlier that, that the feeling of being vulnerable with you is better than, it's the same notification. That's what it is. It's better than the, uh, the same notification.
Of, you know, oh, I feel horny, and I wouldn't jerk off, and it feels great much more, right? It does, but it feels even better to feel vulnerable with you. And I know that, you know, and it's that sense of urgency, having to get to somewhere. Well, you're so used to that thing.
You're so used to having that instant gratification of porn whenever you want it to. And every guy, you know, every dude, and it's so easy, you know, it's, it's, it's, I feel that it's dangerous for, for the lines. How come when we were at, um, at our house you told me that it's, it's not damaging? Because, because it depends on the person, you know, it's subjective.
So, yes, both of the times when I understand genuine, it's not anything, it depends on the person. You know, I can choose where to be not damaging for me, and break up with you, and forever watch porn, and become a porn star. And that's one of my life, and that's why I'm not damaging. Because I can't be there, right?
So, but I can also understand that if I want to have a relationship, a healthy relationship, and I want to have kids, I, you know, that's not the world that I'm going to go. So, it's not healthy for me, right? It's not, it's not healthy, um, for somebody that wants that, right? Unless, you know, you never know if it's a partner that supports that, and then that's the way you live your life.
But I understand that that's not something that is healthy either, you know. It's not necessarily, and that's, and when I think about it, it's not something that I want, right? You know, what, what do you talk to do to be like, oh, you know, the dream girl, where the fuck are the girls? That's just a stupid guy thing to say, right?
So, it's not, yeah. That's what you told me you wanted. Exactly. It was the truth, right?
In that moment, in those times, it was the truth. It was something that I truly felt, you know, that's changed too, right? I don't want to be able to have sex with you. I don't want to, because I understand that I don't feel I will accomplish what I want to accomplish with you, if I feel like me.
You know? I won't ever feel like, let's say we break up. This just comes back to what we talked about earlier. If I leave you, and then I regret it, I will have a thought thinking that I can fix this.
It wouldn't have been, I tried anything, right? It wouldn't have to. And I would have to get over that regret instead of thinking that I tried everything. So, it's just a correlation of thoughts, right?
It's just a correlation of... Because we haven't had that conversation about you wanting to sleep with other people and wanting to be in an open relationship and thinking that I wasn't right for you, because I'm not the type of person that wants to be in an open relationship, and that you're wishing that one day and maybe I would come around to be okay with us sleeping with other people. You looked me right in the eyes and you told me that you wouldn't care if I slept with other people. And we haven't had that conversation since, so I wasn't quite sure where you were on the second.
Yeah, I mean, we should have had that conversation like, you know, the day after. This conversation we should have had that the week after, you know? And every week after we said that to them. So, we don't have to talk about it, it's what I haven't pulled it out, because that's how anything I experienced is something that happens in the moment.
And then I forget about it. And then I never think about it again. I haven't thought about it. I literally haven't.
And as I, you know, walked around and lived my life, I have thoughts that I don't think about expressing to you. Like, ooh, this is something that, you know, I should say killer. It doesn't always happen, right? So, I've come through the conclusion that I understand everybody wants to experience a healthy relationship.
Like, as it is supposed to be experienced, build this wrong relationship. Like, so few average students, you know, whatever the voice rates are, stupidly high and just get higher. I want to have a temporary relationship, you know? I want to have a Tony Robbins and whatever, you know.
They have family, they have worked for so many years to build that kind of relationship, right? So, every human being that I have to have accomplish that, they are happy because of it. So, the only right thing for me to think is I want that also. And if it's not with you, then who the fuck you like, you know, you know, I'm not going to understand.
I always have you here. That's what you can do with myself. Like, when I touch myself in a puzzle way, I'm like, everything that I want to do is love myself, I can do it to you. I can use you to help you with that.
Absolutely. I can, I can, whatever fear or expressions that I want there to talk about, or whatever is that I want to fix about myself, I need you to help me with that. That's what I keep telling myself. Like, I use sometimes my brain goes to, I use you as, you know, I blame you or anybody, you know, or you.
I blame you for what I feel or for what I think. And for the reason that I think, you know, let's just go to mind going out, right? But then, the optimistic version, I mean, when that comes, and when the rational part of my brain starts talking, it says that, that same thing that I'm thinking about is just an insecurity that I can express differently and fix it, instead of pulling it. Right?
But then, you know, I have to generalize how, and then, I have to, I don't know how to turn that all times. How do I express myself in that way at all times? And that's something that I want to accomplish. That's something that I, I take pride in thinking that I want to accomplish.
Because it's such a treat. That's a really cool thing to accomplish. It's a, it's a really cool treat. It's a, it's a really cool treat.
It's a, I want to have that skill. That's a, that's a really great thing to want to grow. I've been walking around since that conversation, thinking that you want to sit with other people. No wonder you had a few, a few that you have there.
No wonder you were afraid of losing it. No wonder you were afraid of, of, of running out of money. And all those things are just correlated to you losing it. And if you have thought, thought about it, ever since we talked about it, and I haven't thought about expressing it again to, to make sure that that's not how I think anymore.
You know, it's, it's a, it's a simple human thing that we haven't talked about. And, you know, for whatever reason we haven't. Suppressing it from your side in. And my brain, not even fucking thinking about it, it's just what we got to happen, right?
And just as you say, like, you know, as you said in the beginning, like you, you, you watch through this place and you imagine yourself at the deuce, that look at you, the only thing you want is doing you, to like have sex with you, right? Yeah. And that's one of the things that I want to be living from. My mind also is picturing that in my head.
Because I know I don't want that, right? I know that, that, that needs to go from your accomplished, what I want to accomplish. Right, and I, I, I believe that that comes from, you're watching so many girls have sex. You are so used to seeing women naked and fucking, that when you see people out and about, it's really easy for your mind to picture them.
In those positions that you've been watching girls fuck your whole life. And I don't want that. And I, and I detected it in my mind when I see it. And I, and I, you know, observe it.
Because I want to label it, I want to punish myself for it. Because that's the, the quickest way to, you know, continue doing it. So when I notice myself do it, I'm like, I pull myself out of it. It's more like, okay, I notice it happening, coming over at the next time, right?
And every time I don't, I, I, I fuck myself. And I notice it almost every time. Like, it doesn't happen unless I'm aware of it happening. Yeah.
I never picture myself having sex with people. It's such a, it's such an interesting- So you picture other than wanting to have sex with people? Yeah. I don't picture it.
Like I, that's how I feel like I'm being approached. Because it's for that reason. But I don't, I don't ever imagine, or picture myself having sex with people. That's just not how my brain operates.
But I also have been watching porn for 13 years. Yeah. Sex has become such a nonchalant, meaningless, easy, and, and accessible thing to you. That, that when you see people, you just put them in that, in the situation that you've been watching women, naked women have sex your whole life.
That's not, it's not, it doesn't surprise the inside. And, and, and, and I also see that other guys experience the same thing. And that they struggle to keep relationships because of it. And that they, that they're looking for that perfect person.
That they are, you know, often judging out of how people look. And I see why we're doing a world where women are, are struggling. I only define someone that is not somebody that I want to like wrap them. But also understanding that men have, have a very easy way to end up there.
It's not men's fault. It's the, it's a human mind's fault. You call it, it's a brain's condition of fear. It's also a bit of fear.
You know, like women in Africa tries in Africa, women walk around completely topless. No shirts, no anything. But they're not, boobs aren't seen as sexual in those countries. Boobs are seen as things you feed your children with.
So they don't rouse the men who walk by because they've seen naked women in whole life and not attribute that success. They've seen boobs since they could remember. And to them that is not, so I don't know if it's a human thing. If it's, if it's a culture thing or a society thing.
I think it's a society in which this is how I like, you know, we're built on fear. Both men and women and the human condition is built on fear. Because of wars because of how we, how leaders of our history has, you know, taken control of populations. It's all of, you know, I have a gun and I can kill you and that's why it's just what I'm saying, you know.