Episode 539: Hilarious Letter to Sec of Agriculture read by J. Peter Grace Grace Commission

A letter to a farmer who inquiries about getting into the not raising hogs business. http://www.campconstitution.netHonorable Secretary of AgricultureWashington, D.C.Dear Sir;My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa,received a check for $1,000 from the government for notraising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raisinghogs" business next year.What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is thebest kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is thebest breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure thatI approach this endeavor in keeping with allgovernmental policies. I would prefer not to raiserazorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not toraise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshiresor Poland Chinas.As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be inkeeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven'traised.My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future ofthe business. He has been raising hogs for twenty yearsor so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000for not raising hogs.If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a smallscale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogsnot raised, which will mean about $80,000 the firstyear. Then I can afford an airplane.Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will noteat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you alsopay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will Iqualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn notto feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business,so send me any information you have on that too.In view of these circumstances, you understand that Iwill be totally unemployed and plan to file forunemployment and food stamps.Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.