Episode One: The Inevitability of Self (NEW PODCAST)

In this podcast, I discuss the sudden loss of my father in May and how my grief and self perception evolved in the months that followed. Specifically, I note how my guilt or regret over how things could’ve gone differently leading up to the event evolved into a deeper level of acceptance around the inevitability of self.This solo exploration reflects on whether events really change us - no matter how earth shattering - or if instead, they contribute to a kind of expanded authenticity. As we grow, do we release the limits of our self conception or do we simply become more of who we already are - or both?While many of us may hope that a change will come in and wash away past patterns, giving us a fresh slate to choose the person we want to be, I reference Nietzsche’s “eternal return of the same” to suggest that freedom may only come from no longer trying to escape our fate.In recording this first episode in my living room with my dog beside me and without a professional microphone, and despite doing test audio, I later discovered a persistent sound of static throughout the recording likely from having the fan and AC on right above where I was recording (later research revealed).This stirred up old inner dialogue around impulsivity or being under-prepared or "‘amateur,” which is something I also foreshadow in the recording. Struggling to find the balance between the desire to be experimental and spontaneous, while also on a quest for creative legitimacy, this discussion is also about learning to love and respect those parts of us we are more comfortable leaving hidden or disguised.Ultimately, the Riverside application cleaned up a lot of the audio but it did leave many sections choppy, which is bearable to listen on over the speaker of a computer or phone, but quite hard to stomach with headphones. Conflicted on whether I should re-record with better equipment (which I have since found), I asked my dad to show me a feather in the next 24 hours if I should post this technically flawed first episode and got the sign last night — so here we are.A statement on anti-perfectionism, loving ourselves when it is inconvenient and the paradox of how accepting our changeless nature can lead to true transformation.links to things mentioned in the episode:Daryl Vansier Interview - on the Initiated Man podcastEverything is the Best - podcast hosted by Pia BaronciniFoster Sisters on the Goop Podcast - Sara & Erin Foster interviewed by Gwyneth Paltrow Get full access to Soul Detective at souldetective.substack.com/subscribe