Family Matters: Having Realistic Expectations

Much information for this message series was found in the book, Loving Your Relatives (Even When You Don’t See Eye to Eye by David & Claudia Arp and John & Margaret Bell, including these Re-mix questions. “To grow up, it is necessary to forgive your parents. When you do not forgive them it means you are clinging to them in the hope that if you can make them feel guilty enough they will finally come through with more parenting.” (P. 35) Do you agree, disagree, or a little of both, with what is said here? Is there anything for you to forgive your parents for? Have you done that? If not, what are you waiting for? Take some time an pray about it. If your parents are not still alive, do you still think it is possible to forgive them? Dead or alive, try writing a letter to your parents in which you forgive them. If they are alive and you need to share the letter with them, do it. Otherwise, dead or alive, just put it in a drawer. The act of writing the letter often is enough. On p. 36 the Arps and the Bells say this: Let us encourage you to never end a family relationship—even if you feel deep hurts from past offenses by family members. Realize over time things change. If you cut off the relationship and refuse reconciliation, the seeds of bitterness will remain and your heart will harden. Yuour anger and frustratin wil not go away just because you refuse to forgive or seek forgiveness. Give some thought to what is written here. Is there a family member that you need to reconcile with? What would it take to make that happen? Pray, pray, pray about the situation. On p. 38 we read: Understand where your expectations come from by processing your history with your own parents and in-laws. Is your relationship with your own parents and in-laws positive or negative? If they have passed away, what was your relationship like before they died? Those relationships have a direct bearing on how you relate to the younger generation. If we were not affirmed and supported growing up, we may slip back into looking to others and affirmation and approval as if we were still children. If we were manipulated emotionally, we may unintentionally do the same to others. You might need to go beyond the examples of the family in your life and choose different role models to follow. Give some though to what is written here. Does any of it ring true for you? If so, it might help to talk to a close friend about it, to share your feelings, to kind of bring it out and deal with it. And as always, pray.