💔 Grieving the Loss of a Friend: Why Platonic Grief Hurts More Than We Admit

“I was on an AM frequency, and everyone else was on FM. Until I met her.” – Hannah RumseyWhat happens when the person who made you feel most seen in the world is suddenly gone,and no one seems to understand why you’re hurting?Grieving the loss of a friend is a form of grief that remains largely invisible in our society. It doesn’t come with formal rituals, time off work, or even the same sympathy we offer for other types of loss. But as writer and podcaster Hannah Rumsey shared in our conversation on Grief 2 Growth, the pain of losing a friend can be just as deep, just as transformative, and just as worthy of being acknowledged.In this article, I’m sharing Hannah’s powerful story—alongside my own reflections on friend loss—to honor the love we have for those who walked beside us as chosen family.🧊 A Silent Kind of GriefWhen my friend Mike died just a few months ago, I found myself feeling a different kind of grief than I had experienced when my daughter passed. It was real. It was raw. But something was missing from the response of those around me.That something was acknowledgment.Hannah Rumsey knows that feeling intimately. After losing her close friend Lauren in 2015, Hannah realized the world often doesn’t know what to do when you’re grieving a friend. People don’t know what to say—or worse, they say the wrong things.Friend grief is quiet. It’s not less painful. It’s just less understood.🏛️ Why Friend Grief Is So Hard to Talk AboutWe live in a culture that ranks grief.We know how to respond to the death of a parent, spouse, or child. But when it comes to friends? There’s no playbook. Most employers don’t even offer bereavement leave for the death of a friend. You’re expected to move on in a matter of days, sometimes hours.This is what’s called disenfranchised grief—a loss that society doesn’t fully recognize. And it creates a second wound on top of the first: the pain of loss, compounded by isolation and invisibility.Hannah’s friend Lauren died suddenly while studying abroad. And the world around her didn’t seem to pause. “I took two days off work and went right back,” Hannah said. “Because I didn’t know what else to do.”☀️ Hannah’s Story: 42 Days of SummerHannah and Lauren met at a summer camp in 2009. It was only six weeks—but it was the kind of connection that leaves a permanent imprint on your soul.“I describe it as more words and tears and laughter flowed through me that summer in six weeks than they normally would in a year.”Lauren brought joy in its purest form. She was goofy, spontaneous, and unfiltered in the best way. Hannah felt safe to be herself around her.“I just came alive around her.”Even after camp, their friendship continued long-distance, filled with Skype calls, letters, and deep emotional resonance. They were planning to reconnect in person after college.They thought they had a lifetime.📰 Finding Out Through FacebookIn July of 2015, Lauren was celebrating her birthday while studying in Spain. Hannah posted a “happy birthday” message to her wall, then began scrolling—only to find post after post that said “rest in peace.”“That was how I found out she had died.”Lauren had fallen from a balcony. The news was in articles Hannah could barely process. “Your brain just doesn’t compute. At first, I felt nothing. Then it hit me—I fell to the ground screaming.”This is how some people learn their best friend has died.This is why we need to talk more about this kind of grief.🔪 The Small Cuts That Compound GriefYou might expect the people around you to rally after a loss. But for Hannah, like many others who’ve lost a friend, the responses she received often added to the pain.“A coworker said, ‘You probably won’t think about her much one day.’ And I was shaking.”Another person questioned if Lauren had really meant that much to her. “I didn’t even know about this friend,” they said. As if grief needed proof.This is the reality for many who are grieving the loss of a friend. There’s no validation. No place to put your pain. And over time, that invisibility erodes your ability to trust yourself.💞 The World Minimizes Platonic LoveWhy does society treat friendship like it’s less than?There’s a hierarchy of relationships, and romantic partners often sit at the top. But platonic love is often just as transformative—sometimes more so.“I feel like the world undervalues love, period. And especially platonic love.”Hannah makes a powerful case for treating friendships as real, deep, and worthy of grieving. The bond she shared with Lauren shaped her identity. “She helped me access a part of myself I was struggling to reach.”Friendships can be soul-level connections. We need to stop pretending they’re disposable.🎭 Turning Grief Into Art: 42 Days of SummerIn 2020, Hannah created a one-woman show called 42 Days of Summer about her friendship with Lauren and the grief that followed. At first, she could barely get through a five-minute story. But over time, she built it into a full performance.“More than anything, I needed my grief to be witnessed.”Storytelling became her way of healing—and honoring Lauren.Later, Hannah launched the podcast Friends Missing Friends, a safe space for others who are grieving friends. Her mission is to normalize this kind of grief and help people feel seen.📱 Signs from the Other SideNot all grief stories end in silence.Hannah shared a powerful moment when she believes Lauren communicated with her—through her phone.“I was on a train on New Year’s Eve, thinking about her. My phone started buzzing like Morse code. No notifications. Just buzzing. I asked, ‘Lauren, is that you?’ and it buzzed again.”They had what felt like a real-time back-and-forth. When Hannah got off the train, she whispered, “Don’t leave me.” The phone buzzed three times. In her mind, she heard the words:“I’m still here.”Whether you believe in signs or not, stories like these remind us: love continues. Even across the veil.💬 What to Say to Someone Grieving a FriendIf someone in your life has lost a friend, here’s how you can support them:✅ Say their name.✅ Ask what their friend was like.✅ Acknowledge their pain.And most of all—don’t diminish the loss. Don’t ask how close they were. Don’t compare it to other types of grief.As Hannah says:“I want to talk about her. I want you to ask me about Lauren.”🧍‍♂️ Brian’s Reflections: Chosen Family is RealAfter my daughter passed, I watched her friends experience their own grief. They had no label for it. No framework. But it was real.Recently, I lost my own friend Mike. He was one of six couples in a group we call “framily”—friends who became like family. His absence has shaken all of us.There’s an old saying: “Blood is thicker than water.”But the full version is:“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”The people we choose to walk with in life are just as sacred.🧠 Rewriting the Story of GriefOne of the most beautiful moments in our conversation was when Hannah shared how she found an old letter she had written Lauren, buried at the bottom of a box.Her first thought?“She must not have read it. Maybe it didn’t mean much to her.”But later, she reframed it:“Our friendship was so alive and present, she didn’t need to reread the letter. She already knew.”This is the power of rewriting the story. The facts didn’t change. But the perspective did. And with that shift came healing.💌 Final Thoughts: Your Grief Is RealIf you’ve ever lost a friend and wondered:* “Do I have the right to grieve this much?”* “Why doesn’t anyone understand?”* “Will I ever stop missing them?”The answer is: yes, your grief is real. Yes, your love was real. And no, you don’t have to justify it.You are not alone.🗣️ Join the Conversation📬 Comment below — Did you lose a friend? What helped you cope?👥 Join our community on Substack🔁 Share this article with someone who’s grieving“You don’t need permission to miss someone. You just need space to remember them.” – Brian D. Smith This is a public episode. 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