Helping Your Children Walk in Truth

I’m never early to a writing party. This is the second in a two-part series, which logically would have come out last week. But here we are. I think the truths are timeless, so you can schedule a text or email to yourself with the link to read it before next Father’s Day, if you find it helpful. Here’s part one.3 John 1-15 (ESV), 1 The elder to the beloved Gaius, whom I love in truth.Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul. 3 For I rejoiced greatly when the brothers came and testified to your truth, as indeed you are walking in the truth. 4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.5 Beloved, it is a faithful thing you do in all your efforts for these brothers, strangers as they are, 6 who testified to your love before the church. You will do well to send them on their journey in a manner worthy of God. 7 For they have gone out for the sake of the name, accepting nothing from the Gentiles. 8 Therefore we ought to support people like these, that we may be fellow workers for the truth.9 I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. 10 So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church.11 Beloved, do not imitate evil but imitate good. Whoever does good is from God; whoever does evil has not seen God. 12 Demetrius has received a good testimony from everyone, and from the truth itself. We also add our testimony, and you know that our testimony is true.13 I had much to write to you, but I would rather not write with pen and ink. 14 I hope to see you soon, and we will talk face to face.15 Peace be to you. The friends greet you. Greet the friends, each by name.In the previous post, I argued that John’s statement in verse 4, I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in truth, expresses an important biblical principle: joy in Jesus is a communal reality, not merely an individual one. Specifically, the joy fathers and pastors experience in the obedience of their children (physical or spiritual) to the truth should be our greatest earthly joy. But as I reflected on that reality while reading 3 John, it also seemed to me that John is helpfully demonstrating for us some principles as to how we can help our children walk in the truth. And so I want to share those with you here.I think this short letter gives us at least five angles from which to approach this task, and they’re all verbal (which we’ll lean into with the sixth and the final point). So we might call these five modes of speech to help your children walk in truth.1. Pray for them, v2-3Once he’s past the formal greeting, the first thing John says is that he is praying for Gaius. And his prayer is a simple one: he wants all to go well with him. And that wellness consists of two parts. Earthly wellbeing and spiritual wellbeing. “Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul.”Friends, it’s easy to get really busy doing stuff for the wellbeing of our children. We haul them to games and concerts and school activities of various flavors. We take them to church and children’s and youth activities because we care about their souls, too. You put money in the 529 plan, you help them look for good scholarship opportunities. You’re making sure they get work experience to develop that part of their character. You make sure they get the medical help they may need. These are all good. But do you pray for your children? Do you pray for the Lord to give them their daily bread, today and tomorrow, and in the decades to come? Do you pray for those real material needs to be met, and that all would go well with them? Some Christians feel guilty praying that way. Should I really pray for earthly blessings for my children? That doesn’t seem very spiritual. But you don’t need to bad. John didn’t. Your children need, as Jesus says, all these things. And you should pray for God’s provision in their lives. You should also pray for their spiritual lives. For the Lord to give them the gift of faith, for their eyes to be open to the reality of his presence and provision. It’s easy to be blinded by the horizontal and forget the vertical. Your child’s deepest need is reconciliation with the Almighty God of the Universe through His Son Jesus Christ. Do you pray for them to trust in him, and then to grow in grace? Do you pray for them to keep in step with the Spirit? I’m sure part of John’s joy in seeing the obedience to the truth in his spiritual children was the fact that he was seeing something he had prayed for. “For I rejoiced greatly when the brothers came and testified to your truth, as indeed you are walking in the truth” (v3). Fathers, pray for your children.2. Affirm them (where they are), 5-6aFathers, you ought also to affirm your children. “5 Beloved, it is a faithful thing you do in all your efforts for these brothers, strangers as they are, 6 who testified to your love before the church.” In his previous letter, John had warned the church about false teachers who had gone out into the world, and exhorted them not to receive such people into the church or support them in any way. Here, we find the opposite. Gaius has welcomed true ministers of the gospel, though he did not personally know them. And John makes it a point to say that was a faithful thing you did. This is not just “good job” in a generic sense, but it’s observing a specific action and calling out the goodness of that action, recognizing it as an evidence of grace, and making clear that it was not in vain. There are few things more powerful when leading people than words of specific positive affirmation. I saw this as someone who is quick to point out the negative, speedy to correct an error, with a keen eye to every flaw—and friends, there’s a time and a place for that—but those things will only be heard and received if they are coming in the context of love. And love presents itself as being for the other person. Fathers, do your kids know that you are for them, not against them? Have you created an oppositional atmosphere in your home, or do you view your children as a gift—like arrows in the hands of a skilled warrior meant to be sent into the battle? This is something you can do whether your children are two or twenty-two or forty-two or sixty-two. If you recognize something good—an action, an attitude, or a word—something that is pleasing to the Lord, meditate on it, and tell your son or daughter what you see. Affirm that which is good and noble and right in them. And then, encourage them to build on that. 3. Encourage them (to go further), 6b-8John commended Gaius for his reception of these brothers, and then continued, “You will do well to send them on their journey in a manner worthy of God. 7 For they have gone out for the sake of the name, accepting nothing from the Gentiles. 8 Therefore we ought to support people like these, that we may be fellow workers for the truth.”John called out a specific action in Gaius: now he points out how he can build on that foundation and continue to grow in godliness. He tells him how he can act in a manner worthy of God and be a fellow worker with these traveling brothers in their dissemination of the truth. This is why I made a point under the previous heading to say this was not generic praise. “You’re a good boy” isn’t that helpful. Being a pastor, I hear a lot of “good sermon, pastor” — and while I’m thankful for that and strongly prefer it to, “that stinks, you’re awful” — it’s really not much to build on. Specificity gives a place to build either a constructive critique or, to our point here, a clear vision for growth. Fathers, we are living in an age where people really buy into the lie of “you can be anything you want.” Your child cannot be anything he or she wants. God made them a certain way. They are wired to do certain things. He puts before them certain opportunities. And one of your roles as a father is to help your children see clearly who they are, where there opportunities lie, and develop accordingly. Affirm what’s good where they are, but also encourage them to go further. 4. Warn them (about troubles), v9-10Now, one of the biggest roadblocks to them going further will be the various kinds of opposition they will face. John saw that Diotrephes, who it seems was also fairly prominent in this Ephesian church, was going to be causing problems for Gaius in his task of sending the brothers on in a worthy way. “9 I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. 10 So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church.”As fathers, we shouldn’t send our children into the world with an overly rosy picture of humanity. We shouldn’t send them to church with an overly rosy view of humanity. All human beings are image bearers of God, and should be treated with dignity, love, and respect. And some of them are a real pain in the neck, and speak a lot of wicked nonsense. Some of them are going to not acknowledge the authorities you have taught them to recognize—yourself, their teachers, leaders in the church—and you need to warn them about that so that they can stand against the folly, and not wither in the face of it. For Gaius to follow through on John’s instruction, he was going to have to be willing to stand up in the face of Diatrophean opposition and not melt.Fathers, help your children walk in the truth by telling them ahead of time that there will be those who oppose them.5. Remind them (who is worth imitating), v11-12But, here again, we should not settle for negative warnings—we must also put in front of them positive examples. Remind them who is worth imitating. “11 Beloved, do not imitate evil but imitate good. Whoever does good is from God; whoever does evil has not seen God. 12 Demetrius has received a good testimony from everyone, and from the truth itself. We also add our testimony, and you know that our testimony is true.”Do you have regular conversations with your children where you evaluate the actions of those around them? You have to be careful here, we don’t want to raise a bunch of Pharisees who think they are better than others, but when you leave Wal Mart and we all saw that kid screaming at his mom, you’re well within bounds to ask— “was that appropriate? Will you speak to your mother that way? If you did speak to your mother in such a fashion, how might that alter your life expectancy?” Or, as you’re watching movies or reading books together, have honest conversations about the character of the characters. What is less than admirable? What is admirable?It gets poo-pooed a lot these days as a way of reading, but a lot of Old Testament narratives teach us by painting certain characters in a good or bad light. We should learn from those divinely inspired narrators. I’m preaching in Genesis, and Joseph is one of two genuine exemplars in the Old Testament, in the sense of someone whose flaws are all off-camera. Not so with his older brother Judah. Joseph is a great example to say, “be like him!” But Judah’s story is also very instructive. He goes from a very unsavory character, to one who recognizes his sin, and then becomes a man willing to lay down his life for his brothers. Notice those things, notice character arcs, and hold them before your children. We are imitative creatures, and when we speak about the people and characters we admire, and why we admire them, we are training their loves. “Dare to be a Daniel—or a Shadrach, Meshach, or Abednego” is a perfectly legitimate lesson to press home when you’re reading through Daniel in family devotions. In the church as Ephesus, Demetrius was a good dude, the kind of man worthy Gaius’ imitation—everyone saw it, the truth itself testified to him, and John throws in his own good word for good measure. Who are you teaching your children to be like?6. Talk to them (in person), v13-14Of course, all of that requires talking, and that’s our final point: you’ve got to talk to your children, and it is strongly preferable to do that in person whenever possible. Teach your children that you value them and their well being by being present with them. Obviously this changes for those of you whose children have grown up and moved out, but even there, prioritizing time together face-to-face is still, to the extent possible, a genuine investment. “13 I had much to write to you, but I would rather not write with pen and ink. 14 I hope to see you soon, and we will talk face to face.”Make regular space to speak personally, positively, and constructively into their lives. Face-to-face.ConclusionFathers, be intentional. There is no greater earthly joy than to see your children walking in the truth. Utilize these five modes of speech—prayer, affirmation, encouragement, warning, reminder, all in the context of regular face-to-face conversation—to invest in their well being. Be intentional. Children don’t stumble into the truth, they are discipled into the truth. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit willdole.substack.com/subscribe