How do I get my wife to trust me again

Three secrets to creating trust after pornography  Here is the truth of it. You can not make your wife trust you again. You do not have control over if your wife trusts you. All you can do is be someone who she can trust. Don't commit to things you can for sure follow through on. Be honest. Each of these revolves around an honest presentation of yourself, but probably not in ways that you have ever thought of before.   Let go of the outcomes A lot of us have been working to manage our partner’s feelings  This is something that is trackable and leads to a fundamentally dishonest way of interacting Client - when I speak with my wife, I’m often looking to figure out a way to present my side in a way that is least likely to have her blow up or get upset Say “no” to your spouse when it is your true position Be willing to tell your partner “no” rather than trying to find the answer that will keep the peace, make her happy, or keep you from getting in trouble. example Darcy: Your partner knows when you’re telling them what they want to hear.  They may like it in the moment, but it’s a hollow victory Our kids do this as well, they tell us the answer they think we want to hear.  Clean rooms Be more circumspect about what you tell your partner.  Don’t just say yes, because you think it’s what your partner wants  Be careful in agreeing to a plan of action because you feel like you are in a one-down position of having messed up.  Becoming willing to disappoint your partner if it is the more honest position If your partner asks you to never look at porn again saying “yes” even if that’s what you want to say, might undermine the trust in the relationship. example When we say “no” from an honest position or disagree we are letting go of the outcome and offering our partner an opportunity to hear us being real with them.   They are also going to be presented with an opportunity to grow through the process Integrate your private self with your presented self Say what you are doing and do what you say.  For instance, if you say you’re leaving work at 5 o’clock then you do so.   This is like doing what you say, but I want to emphasize the cost  Often we can rationalize not doing it.  But, can you do it regardless of the ratio nalization. Become committed and take action in the direction of your values. be willing to reevaluate, renavigate, and restate your position Example Hear what your partner is saying and make the argument for them about your behavior This is a process of self-confrontation and winning strategies in your arguments Self-confrontation - episode https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-127-overcome-pornography-through-self-confrontation-the-secret-to-intimacy-series-chapter-2-of-5 (127)  Hearing what they have to say and understanding their perspective on how you are showing up Being willing to see your behavior objectively and without the need to defend it.  I feel valued We can work together