How Do I Set Financial Boundaries in My Relationships?

this is the ramsey call of the day part of the ramsey network let's go to megan who joins us in atlanta georgia megan how can we help hi um thank you so much for taking my call um i just i'm a recent um graduate i got my master's degree and i'll be working um for the first time um pretty soon and i just wanted to um know how to go about establishing financial boundaries with my parents uh-oh so the question here george tells me that you feel like there aren't some healthy boundaries now so i'm just curious what what is the source of this what are you concerned about is maybe not being a boundary what's going on tell us a little bit more um so i uh had the gracious displeasure my last year um of grad school living with a family member and um they didn't charge me at all and they even opened up saying like hey we get you're just starting out you know like you can stay with us longer um i definitely had planned on you know giving like a monetary gift um monthly um even though it's not required um however my dad is kind of like very just inacceptant of like how much are you going to give and i kind of was like oh i think that's for me and that family member to discuss and so he's not involved in this in the actual transaction it's not his place he's not he's just going well you should be paying him um he uh well i already established that i am but i guess he's kind of just like insistent on knowing how much i would be paying them and like creating like that number for me instead of me and that family member what is your response been to him when he's digging uh i i told him you know that i'll talk to it with the family member and he definitely wasn't happy about it um he said you know i as my father i shouldn't keep information like that i'm being secretive so i just want to go about like you know i do have my dad and everything but i do think it's time for me and it's like you know be on my own and just trying to find that balance all right so let me let me ask you a question is it that you don't want to pay the amount that he's suggesting or you just don't want his his input at all and the reason i ask is because what's the big deal with you just going dad here's what i've decided i'm happy to tell you it's not a secret i'm just deciding what i'm giving and it feels like he just wants to have input and i'm just wondering why is it that big of a deal for you to just say to him all right this is what i'm paying dad you want to know what i'm gonna do this is what we've arranged and then if he disagrees then you deal with it so my dad um his input he'll say it's you know a suggestion but there's an implicit thing that you kind of have to do it okay so this to you is a clear dividing line by saying i'm not even gonna tell you it's just between me and this other family member yeah so what's his motivation you know him better than anyone what do you think's behind this i know his motivation um is definitely just like i know the motivation is definitely just to i guess make sure that family members aren't talking and thinking i'm just mooching there we go it's his reputation on the line yeah okay that's what i was digging for yep because the motive matters some parents are just going you know they have they're looking out for you they want the best for you but this feels like if they find out through the great find the family that she's only paying 300 bucks they're gonna be coming at me going wow your daughter's so cheap and that's a reflection yeah yeah okay well uh this is as our friend dr henry cloud would say you've got to draw the boundary line the property line that marks what you're responsible for and what he's responsible for and this is not his responsibility yeah if it's gonna put a tear in the relationship that's on him not on you i know that's hard to say but it's going to it may cause a rift that is unrepairable depending on his response you think it's going to last a long time or you think he's going to get over it eventually um i'm hoping and praying it doesn't last a long time um you know i definitely told my parents that i'm thankful for everything but i do think just me as an adult going forward these are just some things i should kind of like keep to myself and run my finances so this conversation has already happened yeah yeah and how is it so far what was his reaction he wasn't happy yeah but i understand he wasn't happy i want to know what was his reaction like when you say not happy did that mean he gave you the silent treatment did it no he definitely you know definitely blew up which is expected um i'm sorry definitely did the whole like you know as your father which is expected um my mom was also not the happiest but she's more understanding like you know i'm not happy but i understand what you have to do um how long ago was this kind of like a couple hours oh okay so this is like the hot now sign of crispy cream donuts i mean this is this is fresh um well do you believe you did the right thing yes or no i do okay i do parents are the best at making us feel guilty and selfish decisions yeah i think you have to hold the line to say i love you too i respect you i'm sorry you feel the way that you feel but i'm still your girl your values are intact i'm doing the right thing and cast a vision on what this is going to look like going forward and so they get their mind off of the sphere that george pulled up on here i mean he figured your dad out pretty quick on this deal and so it's this selfishness going on here but it's what i would call uh it's unintentional your dad's just worried about you his reputation the whole nine yards and you know what he's having a hard time letting go of you yeah so i would tell you and i feel like you have the spirit on you right now but the spirit of grace of understanding compassion for dad which is hard to have compassion for somebody that blows up on you yeah and i'm gonna do you one better we're actually gonna send you a copy of our friend dr henry cloud's book boundaries so hang on the line and i will make sure you're sent that book and maybe one of you you give to dad not pass it aggressively but saying dad this book's been really helpful for me i'm learning all this now as i'm becoming an adult how to have these really hard conversations i found it helpful not just for this but for all areas of life and i think you get a lot of value out of it too i think you're right dad's having a hard time letting go he's used to be able to tell the daughter what to do she's a grown woman she gets to make her own decisions and based on what i heard from her she's very respectful she's got her life together she's not doing anything out of control yeah you know what makes me think of i was reading and i'm sure you've seen these lists before they're quite popular in fact it was a best-selling book written by an australian nurse uh that she was a hospice nurse and she published this book on the top regrets of people who are dying oh and one of the top five regrets of people who are dying is i wish i had lived a life that was true to what i wanted to live in other words and as you start to unpack that phrase you realize that these are people who made big decisions in life that please others based on the expectations that did not please themselves and so what happens is if you don't establish boundaries here and you're always trying to make decisions that please others that are in absolute conflict with what you believe you should do you are going to be a person who dies with regret and it's that important yeah well i've heard this quote and dr john loney's quoting another psychologist's position when he says choose guilt over resentment yeah right that's the healthiest way to go about your life resentment will eat you alive yeah guilt is something we go okay yeah so guilty for telling that off but at least i'm not resentful so true i'd rather disappoint somebody than than live an inauthentic life in the truth man thanks for tuning in to the ramsey call of the day to check out all of our podcasts just search ramsey network on apple podcast spotify or wherever you listen