I Go First, Spoken Word Poem and Solocast by host, Jen Brown

MORE!! they screamIn a world where I’ve tried so hard my whole life to be less, smaller, quieter, skinnier, demurethe exhilaration of dancing for a roomful of full bodied, full hearted, bad ass bitch women who celebrate my wildest expression is Utterly Intoxicating Every single time I’m on the dance floor,I’m deconditioning myselfClaiming the courage to be a bigger more expressed JenI venture with hot pink paint further outside of society’s coloring book black lines, my heart flip flopping inside out, expanding in ecstasy and then shuddering in contractionbut it’s spaces like these full of permission and inspiration that light my soul the fuck upDoing the Dance is one thing. So Wild in ItselfThe feeling of being so exposed while so expressedI care. I strive. I practice, leaning into the discomfort that is stretching my body heart soulDevoting myself to grow to be the best dancer and performer I can become, so many years after I thought I missed my dancing“prime”GOING FULL OUTexpression without apologyButThe sharing of my Dancing publicly And on social media particularly anyone and everyone to see…It’s just a whole nother level A mini heart attack. every. time (le petit mort)both terrifying and orgasmicI’m not gonna lie, every time I click share I have two contradictory parts battling withinIt’s sooo deep, this Madonna/Whore imprintWill I be devoured by the tribe for being so unashamedMy ego pleads, you can’t be THAT girlHow can you be a mom and dress like that? How will a respectable man want to be with you when you’re dancing this way? What will your clients, your peers, your kids think?Will I be hated, judged, ostracized, abused, raped, cast out, killed?It feels dramatic to even speak these wordsBut we all know there are so many places in the world where it’s not safe to be a womanPeriodAnd certainly not safe to be a woman in her sexual articulation and sovereigntyButI IntrinsicallyInescapably UndeniablyAm bothSaint and Sex Priestessand so many other shades of the rainbow that is womanI can’t hideOr pretendthese archetypes aren’t alive in my DNADestined and begging to be made manifestthrough this body, in this lifetimeAnd really, what is the point I ask myself daily,What is the purpose of any of thisIf it’s full of regrets, half hearted attemptsHow boringHow meaninglessHow wasteful of this precious life I getIf I don’t fully live itBefore I learned my sensuality could be dangerous Before I was taught to have shame for my body and the way she loves to moveI was a little girl who loved to dance naked in the sunshineTo play dress up with my friendsTo flirt with lifeTo feel pleasureTo know what it is to be ecstatically alive and turned on in everycellI read this the other day, and boy did it hit:“Being a leaderDoesn’t meanYou haveFollowersIt meansYou go First” So I take the next step into the magic darknessOne sexy heel striding in front of the nextWho knows where this dance journey will lead meIts already transported me to joy. To bliss. To connection. To sisterhood. To self love. To silly silly fun. To my essence. To my nectar. To my light. And I’d say that’s not a bad start :)…See the full dance and spoken word film on our Mermaid Cove Substack: https://open.substack.com/pub/lequeendom