I'm Not Tired, You're Tired

Are folx with ADHD made to be night owls? Or early birds? Or does your early bird/night owl setting, which feels so engrained in your personality, actually have more to do with giving yourself distraction-less time? David and Isabelle explore myths, misperceptions, and truth bombs about the nature of sleep and ADHD, including tips on setting up your morning or evening (or all day) routines, dropping the shame, and embracing what you may be doing right in staying up late (or waking up early). ---- Isabelle is super tired and is tired of her own choosing. She has been waking up earlier than usual in an attempt for her and Bobby to each get some alone time in the morning to get situated and start their routines and transitions differently. She does yoga, exercises, meditates, and can see that it gives her more energy. She wonders if folx with ADHD are actually night owls by nature, having spent years waking really early, then sleeping in—but is it ADHD? Delayed sleep phase is one idea, but David mentions that folx with ADHD seek out a distraction-free environment, and where you get that time (whether in the morning or in the night time) is the kind of person you become (early bird or night owl). So you adapt to achieve the distraction less time in the morning or at night. We carry so much of a load for all the things we’re not doing (I still need to call this person, I still need to do all these chores, etc). the escape of things being too late or too early to do also gives us distraction-less time. Being up early or staying up late gets really simple, it takes away choices. What happens when you are hyper vigilant all the time that you’ve made a mistake and someone is going to call you on making a mistake before you realize you’ve made a mistake? Or that you’ll later be embarrassed for doing something impulsively? This connects to how often is anxiety used by us to drive things, the anxiety of being an imposter, being seen as incompetent—there are lots of these themes for people. Certain environments shut off the anxiety or the drives. How much shame we have determines the intensity of the anxiety, hyperfocus, hyper vigilance. One of the reasons we are doing this podcast is to reduce that shame: there’s no shame in your night game! If you are still getting up and doing the things you need to do in the morning, go for it. If you like to wake up super early and run for hours—we can self-authorize to do the things we like and need. And shoutout to new parents, from David, that in between all of the unsolicited parenting advice, you need to believe in yourself and your needs, and not have shame for your needs. There can be so much anxiety for the ongoing assault of judgment about how you should be doing it; or how you should be spending your evenings. Or how you should be spending our mornings. Or how neurotypical you should look, how you should ‘do’ ADHD. There is no right way. If the task gets done, drop the how. Isabelle points out that early birds are often praised while night owls get the shame. David names that it’s more about finding mastery over your behavior. The answer is yes, there is no better, the real question is: are you getting up for the things you need to get up for? It’s the metacognition (see definition below), that gives you awareness that you have some mastery over your behavior (eg. Like waking up early easing your morning transitions. Isabelle is so tired she realizes her tangents are in slow motion and David names that he sees her turning on her blinker to make her tangent. Isabelle remembers reading a book about sleep that mentioned a method used by the military to fall asleep in two minutes (see article below), that includes relaxing your jaw. David names that sleep training often relies upon fatigue, and fatiguing your body. Weighted blankets can help (but with a word of caution, they are quite heavy, so if you try to throw it across your bed like a regular blanket, you will throw your shoulder out). It’s tough to plan what time to go to bed without factoring in what time you want to wake up, nor that you need to wake up earlier the day before so that you’re actually tired and fatigued when you try to go to bed early. Isabelle experiences this every time she tried to go to bed early before a trip. David is trying to actively do this now by waking up earlier the day before and drinking lots of chamomile tea. David names: we often do the right things but we don’t know why. When you’re staying up later, you’re getting the alone time that you need, but you’re not allowed to have it. Or if you’re listening to music all the time it’s helping you tune the distractions or scary noises out. Sleep hygiene is a place where we should all over ourselves (stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself). Sleep hygiene is creating routines: does it help? Does it help you get sleep? It’s also effective to chunk time together, going to sleep could connect to when you wake up, what you do in the mornings. David names that he needs to lay on the sofa breathing and thinking before he goes to bed. Sometimes he doesn’t make it to bed, but it’s not because he wants to avoid his partner (it’s the opposite of sitcom plots). Isabelle can feel that she’s getting too tired, her face feels dead. Isabelle goes on a tangent where sleep is a reflex or a drive that happens, and you have to get out of the way or essentially distract yourself. One way to distract yourself is to play categories, where you pick a category and then try to name something that starts with the letter A in that category, then the letter B, and so on—essentially bore yourself to sleep. Another trick that David and Isabelle both reveal is that you can scratch your pillow to be your own DJ or hear your own heartbeat like it’s a train—and in a final twist, that a chip crunching in your mouth is actually a miniature sonic boom (source below)! Falling asleep in 2 minutes military (navy pilot) hackMore on sleep and how it’s a drive/reflex rather than something you do (Source: Johns Hopkins Medicine):“Your body can’t force you to eat when you’re hungry, but when you’re tired, it can put you to sleep, even if you’re in a meeting or behind the wheel of a car. When you’re exhausted, your body is even able to engage in microsleep episodes of one or two seconds while your eyes are open.” Chip crunches are tiny sonic booms — check out the book “Gulp” by Mary Roach, or her shorter NY Times article in 2013, “The Marvels In Your Mouth” DAVID’S DEFINITIONSDelayed sleep phase: Specific to some people whose bodies don’t produce melatonin at the same level, it's very difficult to go to sleep and notice tired signals (not necessarily ADHD). Metacognition: Thinking about thinking. Understanding and awareness of why you do the things you do. When you reach this point with any behavior, you’re more than halfway there. Sleep Drive: Your body craves sleep like it craves food, except your body can put you to sleep if it needs to, whenever it finally needs to, which is why driving or operating heavy machinery or making big decisions while very tired are usually not the best idea.