Isn't there a right way of doing things?

What if there is no one right way to do something? Isabelle and David are joined by Isabelle’s husband, Bobby, who also has ADHD, in this discussion on why we care how we do a thing. The idea there isn’t a right way is a hard for Isabelle to take in, especially as David describes that how we feel when we feel like we have to be perfect on the outside to hide the fact that we feel so different/deficient on the inside (AKA Imposter Syndrome). For folx with ADHD, this can look like our habits and the way we approach tasks ‘appearing’ neurotypical. 1 in 8 or 2 out of 10 people have a learning disability or ADHD in the U.S. right now (Updated stat: One out of every five people in the United States is identified as having a learning or attention issue. “The State of Learning Disabilities” 2017. National Center for Learning Disabilities). Is the task of a test to take the test in one go, or to do it in 20 minutes? Are we being tested on information or on the speed (for example, accommodations for more time on tests, for example). David would write a 3 hour talk on a plane ride in less than 2 hours and would never share this because, even if the talk was great, he would be judged for how he got the talk done—he thought he didn’t work on it “long enough.” Isabelle resonates with this, an accommodation for her working memory is to do a task right away, but then sends it much later so it appears like she spent more time on it. Doing work how everyone else does it to not seem different, deficient, or to appear as if it was too easy or you cheated somehow.  If it’s easy for the ADHD person, they think it’s easy for everyone; if it’s hard for the ADHD person, they believe it’s easy for everyone. What if you did something for a job that was easy? Would you rather do something you enjoy or do something that’s hard? Bobby reclaims that reading a book includes listening to a book. He’s listening to a self-help type book—you think it’s the procrastination that’s the problem, but the problem is you judging yourself for not doing it. David talks about Wilfred Bion (see below) and whether a group was working on a task or catering to the group’s emotionality—what’s the task of every group? David and Isabelle go down a rabbit hole about group dynamics and where some of the theory comes from around the idea of focusing on task v. emotionality. What matters for ADHD is that we can do the task v. our emotional baggage around proving how we did the thing. Embracing how you work instead of judging it. For example, David knows his body doesn’t respond to meditation by breathing and sitting; he goes on endless walks instead. But if he were to let his beliefs/fears about how he’s supposed to do it impact him, he wouldn’t get the benefit of it. It’s about letting people do things their way instead of the ‘one way.’

Here’s a link to how common ADHD and LD’s are in the U.S. as well as the racial differences (racism loud and clear)

Bobby’s book he was reading on business - Bobby thinks it was Cal Newport’s book, Digital Minimalism.

DAVID'S DEFINITIONS

IMPOSTER SYNDROME: is the belief you don't belong/are bad, or that you have to be perfect on the outside along with the fear you will be found out/exposed and people will know you're a mess on the inside.

TASK V. EMOTIONALITY

• Task: what you’re trying to do - the ‘work’ of a group or a person. 
  • for example: I am finishing my project this weekend.
• Emotionality: what you do to prepare to do a task - beliefs/fears/assumptions about what you’re doing
   
  • for example: I’m doing it wrong/right, I always procrastinate, big fear you’ll never get it done, dream that someone will come and save you from having to do it, etc. 
     

OTHER FUN STUFF

Wilfred Bion (1897-1979) was a British psychoanalyst who ran group therapy during World War II out of a military hospital (so folx with trauma). He was among the pioneers of ways of running a therapy group, writing about it, and co-creating the Tavistock Institute for studying group relations with other wartime psychologists. The term “Tavistock" later became synonymous with a form of studying group dynamics experientially also known as group relations work. It was basically a way to try to understand how people function in a group. For more, check out this wiki and this article. 

Want to go down a bigger rabbit hole about group relations (a theory of group dynamics)? Check out the following (or read Bion’s work, Experiences in Groups, London: Tavistock, 1961; or an updated compilation from 1968).

Basic assumption groups: Bion observed that there are recurring emotional states in groups (so among a group of people, certain patterns of emotional experiences happen again and again and interfere with whatever task the group has come together to accomplish)—the idea being that the emotional experience is called a ‘basic assumption’ group. “Bion argues that in every group, two groups are actually present: the work group, and the basic assumption group. The work group is that aspect of group functioning which has to do with the primary task of the group—what the group has formed to accomplish; will 'keep the group anchored to a sophisticated and rational level of behaviour'.[31] The basic assumption group describes the tacit underlying assumptions on which the behaviour of the group is based. Bion specifically identified three basic assumptions: dependency, fight-flight, and pairing. [32] When a group adopts any one of these basic assumptions, it interferes with the task the group is attempting to accomplish. Bion believed that interpretation by the therapist of this aspect of group dynamics would, whilst being resisted, also result in potential insight regarding effective, co-operative group work." (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wilfred_Bion)