Kind Eyes on the Lower East Side

I saw a stranger with really kind eyes a few months ago on the Lower East Side.This man with kind eyes looked like he was in love with this girl.I thought to myself, Will anyone like that ever fall in love with me? Would they love me if they knew who I was? What I’d been through? The dark shit clogged inside me? I realized a year or so ago that whenever I pictured my future self, she looked different from how I do now. She had straight long hair, and always looked more together than me. I’ve been trying to picture a future self who looks more like my present self, because I want to think of my present self as deserving of the things that I think my future self will have. I even have this outfit (that I currently own) that I’ll specifically picture my future self wearing: my ‘Victoria Beckham’ jeans, white mock turtleneck shirt. I’ll picture myself at a conference or worship wearing this outfit — or even just living a casual day in my future life. When I wear this outfit now, in the present day, it helps me feel a little closer to my future self.*They are not actually from Victoria’s fashion line; they’re just flair jeans that remind me of the ones she wore in the David Beckham documentary when they were dancing to Islands in the Stream. When I was facing serious financial issues earlier this year, I thought a lot about the different, somewhat extreme, things people consider doing for money when they’re desperate and don’t have other options. And I came really close to doing some of those things. I considered doing things I would never dream of if I weren’t in such a financially unstable position. I ultimately did not do any of those things — and I’m incredibly lucky that I had that choice. So many people don’t have choices about where and how they live, and what they have to do to get by. While considering these choices, I would often chastise myself and think things like, “Well, if you do this, then it’s part of your story, and you’ll have to tell your future partner one day that you’re a person who did these things for money. You’ll be a person who tarnished themself.” It’s such an incredibly mean way to speak to and think of myself. I would never look at another person through the harsh lens I reserve only for me. When I really think about it, I don’t want to be with someone who would judge me through that lens. But it’s so easy to think of my future partner as someone too good for me, whom I have to prove myself to. I subconsciously live my life by these invisible, imaginary standards, and hustle for my self-worth in pursuit of the love of an imaginary partner who I imagine judging me harshly. It’s so easy to look at a stranger in a restaurant with kind eyes and make up a whole story about them. In less than 5 seconds, my brain decides that this strange man is pure, thoughtful, sincere, and decent. My brain reminds me that I am jaded; it tells me that I am not pure or good in the way that I used to be before.Before what? Before I became an adult? Before the world got complicated? Before I made mistakes? Before I became human?I don’t want to end up with some ever-loving Saints, who would judge me for my past. I want to be with someone who will look at me and all the darkness inside of me and still find the light. I want to find someone who will see me in my broken hallelujah and meet me there.I want someone who loves me not despite my imperfections, but because of them. I want someone who will give me the same grace that I know I will give them.I want someone with kind eyes, like the man I saw on the Lower East Side.And yes, I know I’ve made up a whole narrative in my life about who this man is, and maybe he is a villain who escaped prison and is on the run for starting a cult and being a serial killer. But in my mind, he is none of those things, so just let me have this. He seemed really nice.Self-compassion is such a nuanced, layered thing. It’s not just about saying “I love you!” in the mirror. It’s not just about finding compassion for ourselves moment to moment. I think it’s also about believing we are worthy of beautiful futures, regardless of what the present holds, and what the past has done to us. I really believe that no one is exempt from a beautiful life and tiny, beautiful things. (Shout out to Cheryl Strayed.)I want to believe that I deserve a person with kind eyes.I want to believe that I’m a kind person, too. I want to believe that I’m a kind person who deserves grace and is always trying her best.And that’s all I can hope for in a partner. That’s all I can hope for in my future self.I hope future Alexa is kind, ambitious, successful, and full of grace. I hope that she is somewhere in the future looking back at me, and thinking, “Wow, I’m so grateful for her.”I hope she’s happy. I hope she knows how worthy she is.I also hope she has a weekly housekeeper, an in-unit washer-dryer, and a clawfoot tub. PS The comparison game only gets worse during the holidays. Here are some affirmations to remind yourself of before you have a breakdown, an hour before everyone comes over to your house. More inside the Holiday Survival Kit. The Nuance Diaries is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. 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