LIVE FROM LA: Thomas Middleditch

Hello and welcome to armchair expert today is live from Los Angeles home base for armchair expert old stomping ground Yeah, I'm current stomping current and old stomping grounds. We had a heck of a live show. Yeah. Oh my goodness It was star studded and one of the funniest guests we've ever had Thomas the middle ditch.

What a dream Tom He was a dream. I think we both fell head over heels in love with Thomas I was kind of just staring at him longing. Yeah, they were like I had to cut out like five minutes of silence because you're just staring Well in addition to a phenomenal guest Tom's middle ditch We also have two unique songs you'll hear at the very beginning Andrew Bird is playing his single Sisyphus of his new record my finest work yet, and that's out March 22nd And then at the end of the episode the long anticipated unveiling of oopsies by bob murvak Which you probably already heard on bob's episode you heard his first crack at it. Yep And now you can hear the full symphonic experience.

Yeah, and of course bob is our in-house resident musical genius So stick around for that. It's a lot of fun. That's available on iTunes apple music and all streaming platforms right now So buckle up and enjoy live from los angeles This podcast is brought to you by squarespace the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online from websites and online stores to Marketing tools and analytics squarespace gives you everything you need to build and grow your presence in one place When we first got the armchair expert website up and running wobby wobby wobby use squarespace and honestly it made sense right away It looked polished it was easy to navigate and it didn't feel like we had to become web designers just to make something good What I like about squarespace is that it gives you a lot of flexibility without making things complicated You can start with one of their beautiful templates and customize it so it actually feels like you whether you're building up portfolio a business Or just finally making the thing you've been meaning to make and once it's live squarespace also has built-in analytics Which is great because you can actually see what people are engaging with instead of just guessing So head to squarespace.com slash Dax for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use go Dax to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain We are supported by Airbnb. So we've all done the hotel thing with friends, right?

Everyone's in separate rooms sometimes on different floors and you're coordinating plans over text It can feel a little more complicated than it needs to be. That's why some trips are just better when you're booking a stay on Airbnb having a shared space a kitchen A living room somewhere to actually hang out makes the trip feel more connected We were just talking about this the other day one of our past pod trips That was just so fun because there was a pool in the middle, but then we all had rooms surrounding it and so communal Perfect amount of privacy and communal space. It was incredible And if you're not sure where to start look for guests favorites the most loved homes on Airbnb consistently highly rated by guests That's a great way to find a place that fits the kind of trip you're taking Let it roll, let it crash down low There's a house down there, but I lost it long ago Let it roll, see my house down there, but I lost it long ago I feel like a god. I'm a light and broad history for gifts and moderates Those who sit, recalcitrant, taciturn, you know I'd rather turn them broken scalars than a fist yeah Always my accomplice to take my hand will do more than stand take my hand will clean this land and take my hand will Let the rock roll Let it roll, I stand there, but I lost it long ago See my house down there, but I lost it Got nothing to do with faith, I never think that you will First of all, thank you guys so much.

So so so so much We sit in an attic as big as this piece of carpet, but until we come to something like this It's just really hard to comprehend and I think I speak for Monica and I when our hearts are fucking exploding So thank you so much Um, I didn't need to use my crutches tonight. I could have come out. I could have done it I could have walked on this foot I had surgery four to eight hours ago And um, I'm gonna tell you a really quick little story that will explain why I'm using the crutches I one time cut my toe at home about eight years ago and there was a fair amount of blood not a ton of blood But enough that it soiled about nine squares of toilet paper And christen was at work and I really wanted her to know that this tragedy had occurred in her absence So I put the the blood-stained toilet tissue on top of the trash can like very meticulously like art designed Oh, she'll see that for sure. You can't miss that.

She's gonna be terrified what happened to me And uh, my sister was over and she threw some trash on it and then so throughout the day I was gonna cover that So several different times throughout the day. I went and removed trash so that that would be on top And then christen came home and sat down on the commode as she does Uh, she's a human too. Angel's poop. They do they have to go and I was kind of hovering around the sink like how was your day?

Mine was okay Nothing not not one thing fine. I was like boy. What do you think that trash can next to you? She's like oh, yeah, it's a little bit of blood on the tissue.

Did you position that so I would see it and I was like, yeah, absolutely Like do you need any help? No, I don't want any help. I hate being help, but I want you to feel bad for me So suffice this I have used my crutches. I could have got by without them.

But here we are The procedure I had was to remove something in my third toe There was a very very tiny little critter that had adhered to one of my phalanges and they pulled her out I said isn't that the most beautiful little baby ever and her name's Monica Padman and I brought her tonight You guys perfect and charlie right there you guys if you look through that's where the perfect tent is in the house There he is Feel less than already I feel obliged to point out that during the christmas special you had bought me a beautiful present and that and I had not gotten you anything A car I bought you a car a car for our ff. Yeah, but I had gotten this beautiful sweater for Monica This she was nice enough to wear so you'll see there's cute little arm cherries on it And then this is kick ass jacket that robby rob Yeah, so we're pretty well outfitted. We look good We have a uniquely talented guest tonight. Oh, yeah, very funny gentleman.

It's a man if you're a fan of the program We are silicon valley. He is the lead of that show. He's an Emmy nominated actor He also has you thinking about switching from AT&T to Verizon Thomas Middleton Tinkle of a of a tinkle of a no. Well, you know how you know how gold pure gold has my zippers are I hope you're gold tinkles in the light.

You're supposed to mention lazy boy. Yeah, thank you so much So as you guys can see we're horrendously comfortable. Y'all are not but We've been well appointed by the kind folks at lazy boy. So thank you guys Reminding us.

Thank you. Thank you so much. You got it on the king of just on the king of sponsorship You really are Thomas middle ditch um the gold zipper with a pure gold zipper flame socks with hot dogs on them Yes, these are smaller socks. I think it's really important to do visual based observation on a podcast Some pretty sweet sucks that have a campfire and smaller zone.

I did think I'm a little injured I'm injured as I've been talking about hoping everyone feels bad for me and I thought I think you got a couple I'm not gonna be shooting bullseye. So I better bring out a heavy hitter Thomas middle ditch set stage. Yeah You do live shows. I do.

Yeah, you and a mutual friend. Yes. There's a young gentleman called Benjamin Schwartz Ben Schwartz He's a very funny individual. He and I do two-person nimprove.

You know make him up Goof them goof them up scoop them downs silly way silly town shows Where yeah, we just go up we get a suggestion we perform for about an hour and a half for you You're getting suggestions from the audience. Yeah, uh-huh locations this kind of no We'll just get we'll usually ask a question We kind of want to get some kind of a real answer Something from someone who's willing to shout it out And we'll maybe ask a few follow up questions and then just let that inspire the show sold out Carnegie Hall So if you want if anyone's sitting there be like, yeah, but is it good? I don't know you fucking do the math No, I would say you sell out Carnegie Hall then tell me that it's not good. Exactly.

I've also seen it And I can say that it's incredible. So if anyone gets the chance to go to that show It'd be a better guess But uh, you know, I would say this is all in promotion of those shows But you know what you can't go because it's all fucking sold out. So who cares? None of this matters.

We don't need your help now I was gonna bring this question I was gonna bring this up later, but you look much different when you have facial hair. Oh, yeah, some say better some say worse Well, what does your wife say? That's probably she's into it. She wants full beard I say I'll give you I'll give you as much mustache as I can grow with a little bit of buffer in between I love I'm a big fan of the mustache buffer beard look.

You wear it so well I say this with all sincerity. So again in preparation to this I went down and I urge all of you to do so I went down a Thomas middle ditch um wormhole rabbit hole on his instagram page, which is I have to maintain probably the funniest page in existence That's but if it's a weird name, right? It's not and I wrote it down. I could just look what you could tell me Yeah, it's Tom Beanie.

T-O-M-B-I-N-I Why is it Tom Beanie? That's an old nickname that a friend of mine from middle school gave me Tom Beanie Tom Beanie Warrior But I nixed the warrior because I thought that was like pretty presumptive I was like I'm a warrior and anyone who'd scroll through the feed would be like you are most assuredly not sir Let me think that through there has to be a period in history that you would have been a very Tough warrior. I'm pretty I'm bad ass online. You catch me online.

You clap back. Don't you clap the fuck back? Hell. Yeah What what do you know one of your characters just has a a beanie on below the eyes and I guess you're promoting So you're gonna be spinning somewhere or something.

Who's that baby? Who's I don't even remember? I've forgotten you've forgotten more characters than I ever even created a lot of them are brain farts I gotta be honest a lot of them are like it'll be something and I'll put it out there And then you're only seeing the ones that I don't immediately That I get too scared with you know You like see something you see a guy and you go like oh, I think I could mimic that person I'm gonna do it right now. I don't know lately.

I like I like darkness lately. I like sadness and darkness great A lot of my characters are like well, uh, you know like I just uh, I got home Obviously had to shoot some of my 12 dogs dead No one of them was but you never know one of them was but you never know one of them Okay, so just as a safety measure you got you called the whole heard them down you got them right now in the post dial And just there's I just this is a classic example of my classic characters dog killer guy When you go to or do you ever say can we get a suggestion on animal that I could kill and then use work on that full 90 But I will say when you're going through you you employ these um, I guess they were snapchat filters Yeah, yeah, sometimes I'll do it to nash as they say in the biz. Oh fat naturals. Yeah, big fatty nash By the way, oh, Thomas doesn't even listen to the show and he's hip to fat nash.

Oh, that should be a feather Here let me let me tell you something I play a little pen and paper I play a little dnd of little gurps When you're rolling when you're when in my cool ass group when you roll a 20, which is a critical hit You call those big fat natural crits. Well, yeah, that's what we call it because we are cool And there's a lady in the group. No, she says it too. Is there really a lady?

Yeah, so it's sex positive. Okay, and she likes it She likes you. Yeah, so I should be ejected from the group. That's right Well, Monica was unfamiliar with the term as of about three months ago and I had to walk her through what a euphemism is It's a real nice expression.

Oh, it's nothing negative about it. Are you kidding me? We got the term naturals in there? We all like any natural organic foods.

Yeah, it's California. Yeah, you also got bjj's big juicy jugs. That's a little bit more forward That's great. Yeah, that's more down the middle.

Yeah, that's as organic as no previous. No, that's just like you like those bjj's you gotta go What is the country of origin good old use of a baby? Um, I was saying the word fat associated is Um, not the most pleasant. No, no, no, no, you want to take this one you want me to take it I just all I can say is let's not take it.

He's our guest because when you're talking about uh, Bress burst burst. We're talking about bursts. Okay. Sure.

Sure. You want them. You want them plump. You want them thick tip?

You want a box you want to like oh piece you want these big? Okay, okay. Okay. Okay You don't want these.

Oh, man. I'm not eating cards today tits. You don't want those. Okay.

No No, you want tits that reside at a sizzler. Yeah, you want I have the Guinness tits, right? Yeah, you guys are lucky because we're gonna have to cut all this out. That's right We just lost some super cruder.

We just Although they can help you find instead of fat natural fat any They'll have fat naturals applying for your job. You won't be asking for fat naturals. They'll be knocking on your door. Hey, want to work Yeah fat naturals took our jobs Me and these also loves well fuck should I expose you this deeply sure I don't know yesterday got a very exciting gift mail to the house from Meundees and it was a bottom and it was a bottom and upper set wine and cheese print guys.

It's so cute Yeah, it's so cute wine and cheese print. That's the print on it healthy a lot of healthy fats and cheese a lot of healthy fat So you pair a little wine and cheese with these more as you got yourself an evening my friend. Oh, hell yeah Just saying keep an open mind. Okay, keeping it.

It's open If I walked into a room and saw those on the floor next to the wine and cheese dungaree Mentionables you just be like what? What a pair they're gonna play the indie together these two art students fumbling around on the dark Well, Monica took one look at the upstairs the top portion of the pair and she said not gonna cover anything That's why they this is where yeah, this is exciting. I know I'm not supposed to be excited about that But I can't stop smiling. This is an inside of the male brain.

Just you kind of bragging about heaven tits I'm like this is great. Well, this is a great turn to the conversation. I'm uncontrollably happy about I'm here to please. That's my job here.

It rules it rules it rules Now do you because I also have a predilection for the malform I would be just as excited if there were a male here talking about his pecs his hamstrings trapezius Uh, latissimus majoris testicles growed. I'm sure do you like that too? Because I genuinely love that I can appreciate definitely And when I see a howdy, I'm gonna say I'm gonna say something. You're gonna cut you're gonna kill sick hammies Hey, stop sprinting brother.

I am sorry. I must admit. I like that. I like that sort of top man I'm a seated british schoolboy look like that.

Oh, yeah I have a friend Ford model. He's got that look and he's just he's not English, but he could be yeah And he'd be like, oh, oh, I forgot to take my heroin today He's bored. He's always bored. What time is it?

Never mind. I don't care. Hey, Todd. How was the Super Bowl?

Oh, I didn't watch it. It was too busy in the back getting off cocks Didn't even like it was with a guy in a girl. Whatever Because he's so bored. He's so bored with all of it.

Yeah, but he's pretty open mind. I think the fireworks And he just strums the guitar, but not looking at you. I don't like that There's something uniquely uncomfortable about a musician playing in your home and staring into your eyes. Oh, this is something I do to Monica Yeah, yeah, bro.

Oh, yeah, bro. Oh, yeah, bro. I go right down the fucking barrel right in the pipe. I don't care if they catch me in on the lands I got you It's very unsettling.

Uh sincerely though. Do you when you were younger, did you love guys with muscles and movies and stuff? Because I couldn't get enough 100% You say that because it was my obsession. Was it?

Yeah as a as a thin man As a skinny boy. I was such a thin man thin man. Yes. Yes.

Yes. My dad English my dad my daddy Oh fucking dad my puppy. He'll be like Tom. You want to milkshake?

For a half a second and real life. Tom is from Canada. They're a friendly neighbor to the north No one seems to be worried about putting a fence between us, but that's neither here nor there Small town now. It's gonna be a real fucking right on fence though, but yeah, this fence is gonna break my ass.

Yeah Just sell for a rip or your butt. Yeah, so From Nelson, which is a tiny mining town in the turn tippy town with draft dodgers, which is yeah Yeah, right sixties. They came up and said we're gonna make this place far out dude And then he's fucking succeeded. Hell yeah, I can't get a better sprout sandwich north of Montana than in Nelson Now you're gonna get just a just a ton of hemp sweaters They're not comfortable hemp sweat.

I don't care how good they are for the environment Yeah, I'm super enthusiastic about the philosophy behind hemp, but uh, just don't make me look like someone who sells beads Right, it makes for a great rope if you're an otticle person. You're in a ropes. You fucking like ropes You know that we both like comedy, but ropes. Yeah and muscles broke.

So in real life, Thomas His parents are British which I'm curious about but I won't interrupt further I just want you know that when he talks like a british person. This is legit continue I was so picky such a picky eater. I wouldn't touch anything and I was wasting away at my dad I'd be like you wanna milkshake Tom. I'd be like yeah, oh man.

I hold out worked sucker. You fucking idiot watch right into this Oh, man. I knew if I only a macaroni every day. I get a milkshake.

You bitch Little did I know years later. I find out this milkshake had protein powder and raw eggs in it and butter Butter like anything he was just so desperate to put weight on me Did he taste horrible? No, it's awesome. Oh, what a sucker like I had a curly straw and everything like Feet up Say by the bell Hell yeah, oh great segway zach Morris.

What a physique? Oh, yeah, those kids in high school were fucking jacked dude all of them Now on he's a very nice gentleman mario Lopez He was later. Yeah, he was the honk. He was later.

He was on the wrestling team. Yeah, but um So knowing in my high school look like that right with humongous pectoris and no let's just miss and I think in high school if you're jacked You're still kind of like you said a hairy dick like that makes you I just fucking jacked. It's just you're just noticing is a lot of hair in the locker room That's funny. I went too far.

I'm so sorry. No, but I checked it with Monica and she looked at me like that no one But I will say it's so funny teenage boys. There's such turds like in middle school I remember everyone's so utterly homophobic. You know, okay, it's the biggest insult of all time You were even gay if you jacked off Cause you're touching a dick.

Oh wow How is it the logic holds? Yeah, you're right What's so funny? I'm gonna tell a really embarrassing story the very first time I masturbated. Okay.

Oh boy. This kid It was basically inception. Okay Let's see your peeling your socks down a little bit. All right.

Um, we were walking down the road in highland, michigan And this was this friend of mine was a dirt road kid. You know, he's kind of a drefer. He's a dirty kid And he's into your point the worst thing you could be was you know, you were a girl And then just worse than that was was you were a fag which is yeah horrendous And this is great documentary the mass we live in everyone should watch it really explores that and I certainly was the product of that like I lived in fear of being called one of those two things Yeah, but anyways, we're walking on the road and I don't know why he says this he was very telling about him when I think about it He goes you notice those like fucking gay underwear models like always a vaseline underwear from jerkin off What there was so much to unpack it was like What underwear models? Yeah, what underwear models and why are they hiring gay underwear models?

And why are they letting photos get through where there's vaseline grease on the photo race? This doesn't even matter. You're not an age that's well, that's where the story is going. Oh boy, right?

You know a smarter kid more evolved kid would have been called bullshit on the whole story, but Unless you're too scared at that point. You're like, haha. Yeah, man. That's all you say.

Exactly. Yeah, that is weird I'm not an underwear model. Yeah, you're right. You're just trying to not get ensnared in whatever these other guys are Yeah, yeah I'm at my father's house the following weekend and I'm up and I'm rummaging through his dresser for some reason He's out and I come across the most attractive jar of Vaseline.

I've ever seen it was It was a half gallon of Vaseline sweetie jar and I like heard it was a movie We would have actually flashed back and he I would have seen his face going gay guys jerking off with Vaseline Underwear and up to that point I didn't even know what jerking off was I wasn't aware of any of it And I thought well, okay, I put some on and I start I mean my father's better than the doors wide open, you know Standing standing sitting like a standing lean on the bed. I'm not committed to sitting. Yeah, it's kind of like yeah taking some weight off I guess Yeah, I'm going to town at it and I don't even know enough to be fantasizing about anything I'm just going through the mechanics of stroking my penis with this Vaseline, which is a very gay thing to do It's the gayest And and as it's I'm doing it and then all of a sudden something very confusing starts happening I get very scared. I think I'm dying.

Yeah, did you hundred percent thought I didn't let it finish? I'm like, oh, that's uh, yeah clean up. You almost died. Yeah, I thought you deserve because you're being gay.

I thought I broke you Yes, I was like just in a shame tornado. I fucking shoved probably the wrong drawer. My dad was probably where's my Vaseline Who's been using my Vaseline? Yeah Stay tuned for a more live show after this exciting commercial break Thinking of your dirt road friend as it was happening though Because Vaseline by association where you just like picturing that time along the dirt road Once I got convinced I was dying and that this was punishment for being gay and weird I um, I do think of him.

I thought this is why he was warning me But then I'll say about a week went by and I want to know if this was your experience about a week goes by and then I'm like kind of Replaying the whole near-but-death experience and I'm like, you know, but it kind of felt good like right before I was gonna die I think that felt good Just before I broke my dick. I was pretty happy about it So the you know the next time I was over at his house a couple weeks later I got had at that thing of Vaseline again and I went all the fucking way And then I went all the way as often as possible. Yeah, and felt terrible shame about it for a year Did you did you feel bad about it? No, I just I just sort of was like better keep this quiet, dude Like between me and you like just don't don't tell anybody Just mums the word on this one pal.

I will say this the second time officially that I did it and it actually happened It was great. Okay. I was in the shower. Oh and a conditioner I did shampoo.

Okay You find out the hard way that can make it burn when you pee. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it was very interesting So, you know when you when a male's penis is done coughing Coughing up flam It's still it's still kind of like takes a minute to like relax.

There's only when you're 11 and 12 Yeah, it doesn't know that it's done. Yeah, so it started hanging out there and I was like oh, I have to pee now Okay, and I don't know why I did this but I was like sort of just stood stood up and looking down at my penis As I peed and then first I like, you know, it's still half boner and I flexed as I peed and and my dick pointed at my My face and I just so haven't had my mouth And I peed I peed directly into my mouth. Yeah, you did. Wow And that was a good follow-up to oh my god.

Did I die before? Oh, well, I've certainly poisoned myself now, which Ironically is straight and shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah one of the wisdom in your mouth is straight as hell. Oh, yeah, dude Now I'm gonna go even deeper on this. Oh We have about 30 seconds of arable material I think vital farms will be all for this. This is you want to talk about past your rays.

This is fucking free range Indeed. Yeah, but Again, and this is very revealing. I was I was doing that for quite a while and nothing was coming out. What?

I I did it before I was producing semen semen semen wait Six grade 11 12 years old, but but I'm having an orgasm I later find out it's supposed to be accompanied by some fluid. Yeah, I get very insecure about that I'm convinced mine's broken. But of course, I'm not possibly gonna tell my father or my brother Hey, I'm reaching climax, but nothing's coming out Have you guys been there? Can you walk me through this?

Yeah So I just kind of lived in terror for about six months and I will not forget the first time You made the milk. I made I made a mess And the the relief that follows like oh my goodness And I was just have an ad at Monica. So we'll be all over this really quick. Yeah, we're almost there.

We're almost 98% female, right? Yeah, I think it's educational It is actually I am learning early hands up early hand jobs women would would like this happened multiple times Would they put try and put their thumb or their finger in my urethra like they Try and bang me and I was like don't don't do that And one claimed to have a previous guy like it. I was like oh fucking lion No, see there's tips for ladies in here too. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much You had an older brother as well like we could have been guided Through this without all this guesswork not my brother. No, huh? How much older was your brother?

He was about six years older. Okay. I'm similar five. Yeah So he just hated your guts most of the time, right?

We weren't pals I had the fortune of of being a tease and stuff at school and then I would come home and then get it once more Yeah, but was he also protective of you because my brother would spend most of his day kicking my ass But if he'd catch wind that someone else did yeah, that was his ass But I didn't know about that It only in like only later on in like my 20s Did he and I sort of bury the hatchet and I found out a couple things one a very you can reference a very specific memory Where I was getting kind of teased by a boy and his older brother and they were threatening to beat me up And then I came home crying one day and he went and sought out the big boy and told him You know if you ever touch him, I'm gonna kill you and I was like I wish you told me that Yeah, I would have liked you. Yeah, I would have even loved you And then also I found out that well the one time when we all went to Disney when I was in I think maybe fifth grade or something And he was however away from Canada. Yeah. Yeah, I came down here for the dream and we had a Disney channel I was like man Mickey's my guy right here Um, but I had just like a fun time at evil times all that kind of stuff I did not know that he and his buddy was were on acid pretty much the entire time Oh, wow, like which bullblown tripping balls and he has the one story of like okay We were in line for the mr.

Toad's wild ride and my friend Mike his friend Mike I should say I don't know I've suddenly taken the first person on my brother his friend Mike saw this big juicy jack guy With all the pecs and the biceps and the trapezius and the trapezimus Hey, Mike was convinced that if he poked this man, he would pop. Oh, oh wow. Oh wow And he's telling us I'm like what do you know I had no idea And apparently just as about they're about to get on mr. Toad's wild ride as they are soaring on acid Mike pops the big muscle guy who's like hey, what the fuck that gets so mad then they jump onto the mr.

Toad's wild ride And if you've ever been on mr. Toad's wild ride, it is an acid trip I can only imagine hindsight. I'm like I gotta follow my brother. Yeah, that's fine You know so weird is I'm long-term sober 14 years boring.

I know yawn, but I was don't applaud it sounds like a drag Quitter But it's funny because I took my daughter to Disneyland and I we were on Pirates of the Caribbean and I was on that ride And I thought to myself I love being sober. I'm gonna be sober my whole life And yet I will not leave this planet without doing shrooms on this ride. Yeah, so I don't know how to make peace with that I don't know what my sponsor would say but I'll tell you this I will not be in a coffin without having had that experience And I'm gonna dice over so oh interesting Interesting, I'm I'm now just in my 30s being like I should try drugs So I was I was really curious about you know because Again, I said this at the top, but I'm very sincere in this I knew you were but I really consumed everything of yours in the last like 72 hours since the surgery I watched like all of Silicon Valley I cannot believe how fucking good you are on that show You're you're you're so incredible because there's so many opportunities for you to Mug and be goofy and be broad and all these and you fucking stay in your lane the whole time And also has to be really hard to watch to be for lack of a better term the straight man on that show Right, I mean you're at an orgy running sound like everyone else gets to be a buffoon and you got to just stay the course And it's really admirable to do it in a way and then still find your moments Um, it's I'm a fucking huge fan of your acting. I hope I mean, it's you've been nominated I'm the first person telling you this but I hope that you know you recognize and you're fantastic in every way Thank you.

Um But when as I'm falling in love with you over the last few days I'm like I want you to be a drug addict because I like now I like you You know what I'm saying? I want you to be a pervert, which I've now discovered you all I am Check. Oh, there's there's a whole secret realm to that I don't know. We'll be discussing public.

I want it. I want to have things in common with you This is my like condition in life, which is to a fault I like project a lot and I want to have the same things But I'm looking at you and I also learned that you which is the most epic thing in the world You were a comedian on a cruise ship for four months. Yeah, so my first thought was you put 24 year old me on a cruise ship as a comedian I'm drunk the whole time. Yeah, and I'm definitely getting caught in people's rooms.

Yeah, male and female I wish it was that max level, but it was it was interesting. Please this was okay I don't get like the various parties in trouble or anything, but like, you know, I don't know You're at sea for four months. That was our contract four months. Everybody else had longer We had like the cush contract where we were because you're with second city, right?

Yeah, sorry Yeah, we're using cruise lines hired second city on as like entertainers as part as one of their many acts that you could see in their crazy big theater on the floating hotel Yeah, and you can't it's weird. I always described as a luxury prison in the sense that like It's nice and this is before I'd ever been on set so I was like you mean I can go upstairs and get crepes whenever I want You know, that's like it's like I judge luxury by how many crepes absolutely Into they have the room service at night that you could order sandwiches and shit kind of not really we weren't in the passengers quarters We were in the officers quarters like down below. There's a whole nother world There were a couple rules like one don't get don't have sex with the passengers and don't do drugs But it's more should just be say don't get caught having sex with the passengers and don't get caught doing drugs That's right. Well, uh, we had a well, this was like the flagship at the time So the security was actually pretty tight.

So then this oh god, this is this too revealing? No, I just like is this gross to talk about or like cool Is this most to talk about remember what we just talked about for 10 minutes This makes me look a little bit more lecher's. I don't know. Maybe not I mean all the weird part is like you just don't have you just don't um hook up I guess like on the cruise ship.

So then what would happen is I'd be you know, you do these ships for you do these crews for a week Right each thing is a week and it was interesting Let me paint the picture in the in the sense that we're pouring out of New York and for the first half the cruise like for the first Two months the destination is like remuda bahamas stuff like that Well, what's interesting is you're anonymous before the show then you do the show everybody knows you and then at that point Just is just very random fact I had done a little internet short about chicken nuggets that got picked up to be a full blown McDonald's commercial Yeah, it's me and a friend going I'm into nuggets y'all I'm into nuggets y'all that's what it is I currently don't endorse McDonald's. I think they're terrible corporations Well, but at that point I was like I like nuggets what are ignorance is bliss and so as that's happening people like holy shit I can see oh my god the McNuggets got That's a panty dropper. Yeah, so and these people these people are wild these teens are getting caught finger in each other on the team disco Well, that's also relevant to this story is that people are behaving their most liberated self Spring break, but it's not too crazy. It's I'm building up to something that's quite underwhelming in the sense that like you killed a guy I think that well, yeah, yeah, yeah before I had sex with them Don't worry it was before No, it's just like you know get online and I get a my space message and someone's like hey I thought you're really funny Let me know if you're in New York and I was just so happens I'm in New York every single week and then I'll come meet you But I remember saying like just so you know, I've been at sea for a long time and I'll be after something in particular thinking like thinking like at this point I need I was like I wasn't vibing with anyone so I was like I gotta get it.

Yes Yes, I found that was a discovery where it turns out you can be very forward and people are okay Yeah, well people love their sailors. They always it's a part of like it feels patriotic to service the sailor for your country Thank you for your service. Thank you for your service. Thank you so much for your services.

We know I think it's interesting guys are guys are learning all that we get a new lesson every ten years or something like back Then I had to learn to like not be so timid and to like essentially say it to a woman Be like would you would you do you wanna? And now I'm it's like that is not what yeah, and so I'm scared of speaking to women But that's okay, I think that's important Yeah, no it is but you have you yeah, I think you have to well It's different it's changing you can say do you wanna I guess it's all about execution like you gotta say do you want it in like a chill Last way because if you like if you say like hey, sweetie You know and you're I also think it matters what you look like I think if you say do you wanna and you're like Like an older we're looking dude. Everyone's gonna be like don't ever thank you tag me. I'm gonna blow you up You're dead you're gonna die No one really wants to talk about it, but it seems to be some correlation Stories are really Cooper stories.

I don't know this is some tells me like if you're fucking a solid tan everyone's happy Maybe he's a gentleman. Maybe he's a gentleman. There's a lot of just have a weird sort of this is owed to me kind of Intellate you see in the hyperversion with that kind of with that unfortunate man He did unfortunate things Santa Barbara like ran this. Oh, yeah, it's like monologues Yeah, he's sort of like I'm a great guy.

These women should be falling over to meet with me And you're like just by saying that you've disqualified yourself like being a good guy I'm so intelligent and all these women are so stupid. Oh, there's a horrendous. You're not doing it, right? Yeah, it's this white male entitlement.

That's why those shooters are all white. They're like I'm supposed to be the president of the United States. I'm sad. I could be now.

I didn't go to college But fuck that, you know like there's yeah, I deserve women. Yeah, yeah women think and a limo In a helicopter and it was much macaroni and cheese as I can eat And milkshakes without eggs in them dad milkshakes pull the egg dad And you you're back on that cruise ship and you would say to people look I've really been on at sea for some time now. Yeah, and I'm lonely and the sea's a lonely place. It can be I was I was barking up a couple trees and I still hadn't mastered it yet So I was getting a couple of nose and then uh, and then uh, misavailable came along.

I said yes, please let's okay But this is now where I'm gonna get serious and then we'll hopefully we'll put a real spin on this now It'll just use all the tail massaging. We just won't walk through. I just feel like I've scummed it up a little I'm sorry if I did. I apologize.

So you got picked on a lot as a kid up in Nelson. Sure. Yeah, you had kind of a rough go of it Yeah, I watched you on Sam Jones and I found myself getting very emotional. You had a rough go of it Yeah, and you're a loner.

Yeah, and then you had this weird thing too in high school where like you wanted to be friends with all the groups Which kind of meant you weren't truly friends with any specific group Yes, and then you had this weird thing that if you introduced girls to this mix It was gonna alienate you somehow from any one of these groups. Am I right? Yeah, so you were girl crazy and yet you didn't allow yourself to be with girls because of your fear of social officers Association Oh, gosh gosh gosh gosh gosh gosh gosh gosh gosh, okay So when I heard your story and I heard that that was your experience in grade school and one story in particular is pretty heartbreaking about Two dudes you were friends with who basically just out of boredom decided let's turn on Tom Yeah, and that was a very scarring bomber of a situation and I think a lot of us can relate to that Did you like myself? Think if I can get one of these girls that I've assessed as being much higher status than me and much prettier than me that if that person likes me Maybe I'll like me.

Maybe I'll think I'm worthy You mean like in to in like the next in like 20's Tom or back in school 20's Tom Like when you actually were able to like talk to girls and be kind of confident You have the skills that are being funny. I don't think it was no It wasn't like well, this is gonna make me whole or anything Well, it honestly felt like scrambling for last time to me I was like oh man You mean I had this like secret power of being funny and it could have been used to kiss what the fuck was I doing? And then and then I can go on stage, and I don't even have to do anything I can go off stage and a girl will talk to me Yeah, that's craziness and so for me. I was just like the part of that was like I'm just having a good time I like admittedly being a little bit reckless of it, and I suppose the darker elements of it were Just cuz you know I'm prone to a well less nowadays But I was born prone to a fair bit of self-destructive Sadness and stuff and just sort of being like well This is gonna be a weird situation I could say no and then feel good about it the next day But I'm gonna say yes and dive in their head first and have like just a strange encounter And if it gets weird and sad like that's part of it, uh-huh and I'll listen to Elliot Smith on the way home Like that kind of thing you know I was I was a little troubled that you'll listen to Elliot Smith like daily for you I still do yeah, I just I can't imagine there's a therapist in America that would have that as part of the well wellness program Oh, he's beautiful.

He's a very beautiful very very beautiful, but let's just maybe once a week that Maybe Maybe but do you think that you had what would be clinical depression perhaps? I don't know it's never certainly never diagnosed Let me ask you more specific question Yeah Is it weird to have an identity and a self-image who you think you are in high school and middle school and all that and then enter the world And then all of a sudden start being kind of attractive to people Does it make you feel either a fraudulent or be distrustful of the people? No, no that was not my reaction I was like my reaction was like thank fucking God bring it. Yeah, this is great Yeah, but I guess I was just always a very brooding person I was like as soon as Tim Tim hit and all the hormones saying and puberty and everything I just got there was just these days where Nothing else mattered, you know, it was just like I fucking hate this.

I'm so sad. I can't tell you why I'm just bummed But then the the always the trick of it was where I wasn't allowed to be if you're the funny boy You can't you're not that's not fun. Well, especially you're a value proposition to people is that you make them happy and that's The value that's the value the value in society is like I have to make people laugh. Otherwise, like I got nothing I'm back to back to being alone in the cafeteria.

Yeah, and and just Tom being Tom is not enough The those fears are I think less than less than as time goes on and I think what the one of the benefits about being in your 30s Is like you just chill out about a ton of stuff. Yeah, and you're like, oh, I like myself pretty much pretty much. Yeah. Yeah, yeah Yeah, I mean I still hate myself pretty often, but okay No, the percentage is way way down.

Oh, yeah Yeah, it goes down and you have also get different worries You have different fears and worries to think about it's Hollywood is a strange strange business that is never a secure thing Oh, it's so hard to run your own race. It's so hard to be like, oh, hey best friend Oh, you got that thing that I really want to cool. I'm so happy for you like that's so cool I'm so happy for you and you are but you also want them to melt so you can have it Yeah, it's so weird and I don't like that it turns I don't like those I don't like those feelings and I don't know those are nice ones and before you were because you had I'm not a crazy long journey to gaining full employment But you certainly you left Canada You find yourself in Chicago and you did second city and I owe and then you went on this cruise ship And then you got to audition for SNL your first week on to the cruise ship He had to beg to get himself off the cruise ship They must have thought you're the most obnoxious shit, right? Like you need a very arrogant thing to do Yeah, so as I say four months on the cruise ship in the first week We start we're even just having the orientation I find out that like Lauren Michaels and and crew are coming to Chicago Like check people out to say if to see if they maybe want to test them for SNL and that is like comedy gold metal Yeah, yeah, even regardless of what you think about the show is it funny or not or whatever?

It's just like such a cultural thing and if you get on there like I won like I beat everybody Yeah, we're you singularly aimed at SNL Yes at one point initially initially I wanted to be from Canada. I saw kids in the hall They were the whole year so initially I wanted to try and meet people to just form a sketch comedy group Okay, but then when I moved from Toronto to Chicago I was like, you know, this is obviously like 22 23-year-old confidence being like all right So in about six months I'll be on main stage and then like a year SNL I'll probably be the youngest cast member and then that one that wasn't happening I was like okay, maybe I'll take this cruise ship gig and actually was maybe I was maybe gonna go back to Canada after the cruise ship and Kind of do something else right you want to be a chef or some bizarre what we gonna do I wanted to cook human meat. I just wanted to cook human meat start a human meat restaurant. Sure It was always a dream of mine.

It's the only ethically raised meat. Yeah, yeah The world's most dangerous prey And then so yeah, so caught wind that I was gonna happen And I had a good feeling that I would at least be in one of the shows that they would have seen or something So I was like, oh, man, I should be there I should be there cause it a big stink and it's like that's the most attractive thing to have in front of you It's like a 20 something being like I'm good. I should be on SNL I'm like you should fly me from this cruise ship right now. It's like cool man Can't wait to be your cast mate for fucking months.

Yeah, I would have hated you. Yeah, I would have hated your guts Yeah, but I flew out from Bermuda went up there did the shows and then went back on the cruise ship and then met like Seth Myers and a couple other producers and I Really look like a little bit. Yeah, we agree. We all agree.

I don't you know what a long white face I'm milky beautiful. Very extremely handsome eyes. You find yourself falling backwards into when will these eyes stop? They just won't stop.

I can't wait to see your trapezius So you did audition I ended up auditioning and you you had a good audition. Yeah, but spoiler alert You did not get sorry live. Yeah now after you found out that you didn't get it when you were regrouping Did you think okay? Well, I'll just go act in LA.

I'll start auditioning what did you? The next this is actually I think a really good example of the serendipity of Hollywood potentially or maybe like art forms. I suppose is so I Had an extra day so because I got an SNL audition I got suddenly a new fancy agent was interested me So now I got a new agent and in order to prove that he's a great agent and you can do things for me He sets up what are known as generals so general meaning for you go me maybe some casting directors directors, whatever I just met casting directors of ABC Fox and CBS on my day off waiting for the cruise ship after I just I just for now and in my little kit of character costumes I have a little skateboard helmet and so like I'm just it's just me and I'm walking around to all these different places I got my little bag. I got my skateboard helmet ready for when the ship comes in to go back and do craft cruise ship comedy for The oh my god fuck a second city and For some reason I don't know why I had this amount of confidence.

This is very unlike me They were on these meetings. They're like why do you have the skateboarding around? I'm like oh no, I did this I just asked for us now Do you want me to do my characters and impressions for you? What am I doing?

I offered to do my asset knowledge for these cats directors Yeah in hindsight it could have been so awkward. Oh, yeah Yeah, I was like and I would not recommend doing that if there was a younger actor being like should I do my No, don't that is that is a terrible idea because when it goes south It's gonna be about five long minutes of it going. It's just me and someone else and record word helmet. Yeah, you brought props Yeah, yeah, yeah, like we all know in love will Farron out But you imagine him being in your office doing that cat I'm looking for out until you break.

Yeah, and that could that could be your last meeting with that person Yeah, and it could have just been like I don't see again. Yeah, but it works But it just don't happen I got this in the bus you can get these things called holding deals Which was when pilot season rolls around a network will kind of call dips on you and that's a little bit of cheddar And I was like, okay, I guess I'm doing that now and then I went from the cruise ship to New York and did that and then commercials And finally out of here. Yeah, so the period the point no, no, I can it was interesting Oh damn you in the period between that holding deal and silicon valley. How many years is that for something like that four years?

And you did a pilot or two. Yeah, no, oh, this is great another great So it's like how can you plan that right like that's just like oh this and then that happens and then I moved to New York Me like here we go holding deal writer strike That was that two thousand whatever writer strikes. So I just I got paid but I just sat around yeah and did nothing Uh-huh a babysat. We're still using the line like just back from C Lonely as hell.

No, actually look that first year in New York was terribly lonesome. Yeah, I didn't know anyone and I couldn't get up Anywhere and I just was extremely lonely. That's a very tough time I had started having anxiety attacks was calling my mom and I it's not like I'd never call my mom But I don't call my mom and like bleed my heart out and she's also British right? That's rougher a British yeah, she's like these you call them emotions.

I'm two bottles of wine in I think I can do this Now really quick about that just before we move on so your parents were British which is so unique to me no one's British But you weren't ever like you weren't embarrassed right that they were British. No, okay. That was cool, right? Yeah, like mighty python.

Yeah. Well, my mom's quite silly. They're both my parents are they're very silly My mom loves doing accents So that like kind of rubbed off on me and in your dad was crazy supportive of you pursuing this route I was very fortunate They were like I think that when I especially in Toronto when I was like okay They'd saved up for me to go to college and I said you know what I'd like to use my college fund to just like live in Toronto and do comedy And they were like Tom. Do you really want to do this?

I was like yeah, okay, and like that's pretty cool. That's some tough love there. Well, that's like They kind of I don't know they backed me and I got to get I will say hats off to them because that's probably got to be really scary You said they were probably their teachers. They didn't have a ton of money They scraped and they scraped and safer that stuff.

Yeah, and I was like I'm gonna blow it on goofs Gags and hope that I get famous and so rich So in the in the four years though, yeah between the holding deal and Silicon Valley Are how are you dealing with the frustration of that? Are you doing what I did at that time? Which was like I was super critical of everyone I wanted to be like did you get into that trap at all? I feel like a lot of us comedians are that way.

It's like we're a spiteful, but we're very spiteful No, I didn't hate anybody that's I will say it's kind of a little bit different in like the improv world I'm not to say that there's no one cutthroat in there But like because improv is so artsy-fartsy like well And then like trust falls and whoosh whoosh whoosh like organic opening like that kind of stuff That that everyone's it's a little bit more kumbaya, which is nice. Yeah, first walk out now. You know, okay No, it was a boring. No, I that was a good.

Yes, and actually It should be asked Thomas about the great British debate between Sexual oh women sure I have very low expectations for him having an opinion. I was running by him What's the great sexual debate between sexual men and women? Okay, so I met I met a girl when I was 15 I was on a snowboard trip to Vermont. She was English Jenny.

Okay, we're hanging out on the slopes Things are going well go back to a hotel room. We're in a closet while my buddy's dad sleeps cool or tipsy I get very turned on when I'm trying to have sex with next to my buddy's dad. Oh Yeah, can you get your dad over here? Yeah, hey, can is your dad asleep wake him up?

Sleepy come in the next room, but I want to sleep people to wake So Jenny and I are in a walk-in closet at a ski up resort and we're kissing then there's heavy petting then there's all kinds of things Next thing you know, we are mid-coidus and I'm thinking this happened way too easy I don't know why this happened so easy. Okay cut two years later I'm in a anthropology class off the road at UCLA and I learned that in an ordinary amount of American GIs and British females during World War II okay to the degree at which they wanted to study it and what they found out through studying it was In our culture women have the break-puddle. They go no we should wait, but in England men have the break-puddle They're supposed to say no we should wait so when you get Jenny and Dax on a ski trip together. No one's got a fucking break-puddle It's just full throttle and then you're humping in a closet next to Joe Kennedy And I went oh my god that makes so much sense because there's no way she liked me that much Like it just didn't add up and then it added up So we then said that on here and some people said that doesn't sound very scientific We've been trying to find this paper I read to substantiate the claim with no success Yeah, we found another Another interesting paper though that kind of land leaned towards this which was if you were to break down like they gave the 23 steps Between meeting in Coidus and for Americans kissing is only like number four like people kiss right out the gates You can meet someone at Burger King kiss them in parking lot.

No what in England There's like 18 steps before you kiss so the females in England these American GIs were hot on the lips right out of the gates And they were getting a single like oh, we're really far down the path right fucking next I better get prepared That was the explanation of the paper we saw but now we're wondering if you have any insight when you would watch your mom And dad make love with your dad say We should wait hun and your mom would say fuck now on full throttle. What happened? Yeah, tell us the details Both of them were pretty into it. I do remember that I would like to point out in this study in this debate that we're talking about 1940s culture as opposed to me nowadays That's very true very relevant.

Let's keep that in mind. Thank you for pointing that out You know any other obvious facts you want to add to that you don't know I've never even I've never been with an English lady really never been with an English actually don't have edibles I've kissed in English. That's about it in English. Yeah, okay.

There's such an obvious question to be asked her teeth Oh, no, I value our English list not at all. Well, you know, there's a stereotype that they don't value orthodontial Well, they do it's just I mean if I haven't if I hadn't had the amount of work I've had okay, I would be like jaws like teeth in front of teeth that he rose it would not be okay We are so similar because I had a fucking overbite that you could put a science book in I used to for the amusement of my classmates watch that And it looked like I just grabbed my fucking teeth in his hand and chucked him at my face and said smile These are yeah, it was yeah disastrous. I would not be sitting on the stage without my words my work has even continued into my I don't like congratulations. Are you using like in a busy line?

No, no, I don't know if this is taboo or not to admit But I think it's fine. I don't care. I have a few veneers in my mouth good for you Can I tell you this I do yeah, can I tell you what the veneers was so this is my first my dentist I kind of was just like when you moved to LA well when I moved to LA at one point I was like I should probably go see a dentist who's been a long time. Sure, so I found a dentist and We get along.

I said what do I want to say there? Yeah, we get along. Was she the English that you kiss? Huh?

Yeah, we have a kiss, but she's cute. Okay. She's a Russian woman, okay, and and at one point She looks at she's trying she's talking about my two sort of front teeth the two big ones Okay, and they they were kind of like she goes she goes you're tears. They are Narrow it's the top and wide at the bottom.

It looks like you have a condition I know they're kind of weird looking but what wait wait she was trying to convince me it kind of looks so it looks so weird It looks like I might have like a gum disease or something. Oh, wow when she's a condition I was thinking like a mental health man or she's saying I look fucking dumb with my stupid dumb teeth So she convinced me to have these veneers on my cheek front teeth. She doesn't she doesn't tell me really what the procedure is Right, so I'm like okay cool. She's like she's like really intense about getting that insurance money So sure I think I got it mostly paid for which is I don't think allowed.

Okay, sorry sack after Anyway, we she starts filing it down. She numbs me up them down there filing down in my mind I think what's gonna happen is like maybe their caps like I kind of get my teeth squared out or something like that Okay, but she falls for a long time. Oh boy. Oh, yeah, and I'm really in a state to question.

I'm just kind of like good She's taking her time. Oh I'm like good. She's paying attention to throw. Yeah, these are my teeth stuff Yeah, and I've had years of orthodontics stuff like teeth have always been a thing with me I'm so obsessed about him and She leaves and then the guy the assistant who always told me about his fucking web series.

Oh He goes he needs to go and he goes. Hey man. Don't look in the mirror and he goes And I didn't I was like oh, I'm definitely not going to cuz now I'm so scared. Yeah, what did they do?

But also, why is he bouncing mid-procedure cuz he's got to do stuff because she was always mean to him It was a really it was a weird dynamic. Okay, she'd always like grab his hand and like there and he'd be like oh fuck Yeah, I love them two people are in a power struggle Yeah, nothing better than temperatures flaring while they're exactly my fucking teeth exactly so I didn't look in the mirror But I did Hesitantly ever so hesitantly start to touch my two front teeth with my tongue oh boy, and I can clearly tell that my two front teeth Have been filed down into snake banks Tiny tiny little triangles. Oh my god tiny little my fucking triad And I'm like oh no oh no all everything floods back like braces the biennator my parents like going to the orthodontist like Saving so much money out-of-pocket their teachers, and I start to cry And now I'm a grown man in the dentist here. I'm gonna cry having a nice cry in front of a Russian gal And the Russian lady comes back, and I'm wiping them off.

I'm trying to be brave for her. Why why do I want to be a brave boy in the dentist here? I don't know. I just want to be a brave and Did you quickly think all tell her I'm crying about my pet I put down last week?

No, you know, it's so dumb I don't know why I still have like the ego of being like I knew what was gonna happen like I Wouldn't ever admit that I didn't know like I'm in my I'm in my bed. I'm gonna lie. Yeah, you deserve this now Yeah, and also don't you think I'm sure because I want to do a good job, and you know what really made me You know what on this is so dumb when I'm sitting or crying what's making me so sad because I have this stupid fantasy The fantasy is now like 40 years later. It's mad max times Oh, yeah, and I'm running away from bandits and I and I and I fall and my veneers come off Yeah, and now there's not a dentist anymore because we live in that next time.

Yeah, and now I'm only the fangs. Oh And then this is legitimate I thought I was thinking like well, how am I gonna meet a girl then? It went all roads lead back In my mad next fan you have meco tar amaco shark smile. Yeah, first thought is like you see people call me the fang You come you me pump you could go another way with it though Which is if you find yourself in that post-apocalyptic setting and and marauders are coming at you and you fucking pop out your nice smile Crazy he's gone savage.

Yeah. He's one of the mutants. Yes. I'm terrified of a guy who pops his teeth out before a fight and shows me daggers Yeah, I'm like I might underestimate it's clearly he's definitely australia.

I like that You don't want to miss with me, Brian. Yeah, I'm fucking crazy. I thank you for calling loose if it spikes Back to your fucking teeth. Oh, no, they put they put temporary cap first.

They do a mold They do like a little mold of your fangs. Yeah, and then well, they go and make the really nice porcelain like real things They have to empty. Oh geez and and like for one because it's got it's like, you know There's there's some blood and so when you have your tip teeth. There's like crusted blood along your gum Nothing more inviting than when someone smiles.

Yeah, and you're like a just eight raw carry-in on the side of the road Yeah, why are all your other teeth normal except for your blood soap to front teeth absurdly white to front? Yeah, but I got to tell you what what ended up making its way into your mouth is so beautiful and seamless and organic I would never have known although this does explain a tiny little thing I noticed a couple times on Sam Jones when you laughterly hard you covered your mouth and I was like And it wasn't it's not like it wasn't one of those like naughty laughs like It was like you had a genuine laugh and then you went like this and I thought what I wonder what's his history with his Stethar now, you know now. I fucking know years of monster mouth. It's you're afraid they're gonna fall out when you laugh What's the that yeah?

Yeah, that sounds like the theory is like doing something very public and then the veneer will pop out Yeah, do you think you'll ever do like Brad Pitt did and and fight club and have them removed for a role sure or Jim Kerry for dumb or he goes thing we Yeah, I don't care what the premise of the movie is I promise you'll be the first one there on Friday to buy a ticket If you ever do movie with your fucking sharp triangle teeth. Well, here's here's the thing I had I had kind of Because I was so pleased with how this went I went veneer crazy and I got more. Oh, well, what are we talking? I have now my bottom to cuz they were all fucked up too Cuz the thing is like when you have when you're predestined I fucked up teeth you can do all the braces and all that kind of stuff And that's gonna feel great and then later on in life those fuck up teeth.

They're gonna come right on back. Yeah You know it's mine, so mine used to be beautiful and this one just said fuck this I'm going back to the way I was when I was born. Yeah, and now that's gonna cause a collapse of all the other team Yeah, it's a house of cards in there. Yeah, so if I took them all out, I would I'm the fan man.

You're sad What how many what would you say you've got 30 40 grand tied up in this smile? Oh a cool 2.8 now, okay, right? Okay, you guys we for real now. I'm gonna I love you so so much.

This is by far the zenith for me of any experience I've had It's so fulfilling and heartwarming and I hope as long as you guys keep coming We will keep doing this so we love you from the bottom of the heart everybody. Please Thomas middle ditch You know how it feel we all do I farted And now my favorite part of the show the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman all the chicken ladies all the chicken ladies all the chicken ladies All the chicken ladies all the chicken ladies It's your new favorite song it really is it's just going through my mind all the time now And then you know you can say if you like it then you should have laid an egg on it. Did you hear that verse? I did not it's very cute.

I'm building it out slowly. I like it 2020 I hope you have a full version of the chicken ladies. So this episode has three songs you're promoting three songs yours These will all be available on all the many platforms in 2020 I hope to film a video Wow in like a chicken outfit But I can do that move with my hands where I punch down and move my good idea Yeah, yeah, you like it sure it could sell the whole thing to like a KFC or some kind of you know chicken sales place Some purveyor of chickens or you could just enjoy it for yourself. Yeah, let's do that You don't have to monetize everything.

Yeah. Yeah, did you have a good time in Los Angeles? Oh, man Los Angeles is nice Yeah, we like it here. Yeah, I love it here and it was a very fun.

Yeah, raucous raucous show raucous. Yeah It was very fun. I was on crutches. Uh-huh 36 hours out of surgery.

That's right you and I were kind of we were both dipping Not not chewing tobacco. No, no, no not chewing tobacco, but we were both dipping prior to the show Oh, I got very sick the next day So it was you were ailing and I had a rod in my toe But we sat in the wings while all the amazing music happened Mm-hmm looked at each other and we felt we were at a hundred percent from the music got us there didn't it? Yeah, it was really really fun. Yeah, I was a delight You know what I really liked about him what um I mean everything but at the show Uh-huh, I walked up wavy while I was talking to him, but I didn't realize that wavy while I was talking to him I thought he was talking to some stranger.

I didn't even notice who he was talking to I just thought he was talking to someone, but I had like something Emergent that needed taking care of so I interrupted and I was like hey Rob blah blah blah blah and then I looked over and I was like Oh, no, that is so disrespectful. Although it's always disrespectful No matter who it had been but it was important right anyway, and then so I looked at him I said, oh my god, I'm so sorry that's so rude I'm Monica and I put my hand out to shake his hand and then he used two hands to shake it. Oh, I really like that's a great move It was a hot move. Oh, that's great.

And you and I had just binged Silicon Valley in prep. Yeah. Yeah, so it was probably extra exciting It was nice. It was a good move.

I would uh advise. I would advise gentlemen and women maybe I don't know I'd have to see what it would feel like if a woman did it I'm trying to imagine I mean when yeah Shake someone's hand like that. Oh boy. I'm not sure if I would like it or not I would like it.

Yeah, because it's like extra it feels like extra affectionate or something Yeah, you know what I'd really love is when if when I shook a woman's hand she took her other hand and just gently Ran her thumb down my cheek like I was a little baby No, no, I'm just like put her thumb on my cheek like a little baby. Oh that one would be good for you I guess that goes to your history too. Um Like a lot of people hate having their faces touched Yeah, are you being serious? Are you not being serious?

I can't almost can't tell like do you really like it? Absolutely put their small thumb. I don't understand this. Yeah, you know, like sometimes you meet a little child and you'll just touch their cheek Oh, that's true.

Yeah Like it was done in a very nurturing way You're not so sure about it. No, yeah, we probably have to Workshop it to see if it really worked. Well, it also maybe would feel like Lines could get crossed quickly. Mm-hmm Because sometimes people put their hand on people's face when they kiss them So so the person may take it in as this person is gonna kiss me and then they'll kiss back And then that person wasn't trying to kiss them and then harassment right?

I think mostly though if anyone's gonna try this it should be female to male Exactly what I'm saying if a female is yeah goes to To touch a guy's face and the guy thinks oh this girl wants to kiss me the guy's probably gonna kiss her Oh, right and she probably didn't want to be kissed She was just trying to do that baby. Okay, then let's just amend this a little bit and say only do it if you want that person to then kiss you Oh sure. Okay. All right.

Now we figured it out Well, would you how would you have felt about kissing Thomas right at that moment when you when you guys shook hands? Oh, I would have wanted to yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's kind of what I'm I'm getting This was gone really awry You also have a big hands thing. So oh it do like hands.

Yeah, it's when you're erogenous But this wasn't about that. It was like it felt really loving uh-huh, but we just met an extra an extra yeah Yeah, anyway, so I guess Thomas and I are gonna kiss. Well, I do think he's married, but who knows what their arrangement is It's you know, you just can't assume these days. That's true.

Mm-hmm. I bet they are Likely you're just playing the odds. Yeah. Anyway, he was fantastic.

Mm-hmm sure was okay Oh, well, this is speaking of this We get into some dirty talk uh-huh sort of a dirty Three R's in dirty conversation Well, you know in general I'll just say the live shows have a tendency to get more dirty because the live shows are more funny a lot of times They can be they can't be because I'm a ham and there's people there that paid money and I want them to laugh So I tend to probably push a little bit in the live shows Presumably some people don't like that about live shows and then presumably some people like that about the live shows Yeah, you know the listeners at home, right, but that's kind of a pattern that I would predict is gonna make continue. Yeah, yeah Sure, I think that's probably fair, but we talk about um boobs And my boobs talking about fat nachis. Oh, fat cheese. Yeah, and And we were discussing my fat cheese.

Oh, okay, we're just We were discussing my distaste for that phrase term. Yes, and then he said no, no, but you want You want these boobs to be fat. So basically right. Oh, right and you're nervous.

Yeah. Yeah, someone they're all nice. They're all great Yeah, right. Absolutely.

I've liked a lot of small boobs and I've like some big boobs, you know Doesn't really that's not the determining factor. Yeah, yeah, oh my god. I mean what we just We just we just referenced the mask you live in so much. I know we got to stop.

I mean, it's it's getting comical Uh-huh, but it's but the thing is I can never um cut it because it always leads to a good conversation Which is good. Also, it's it's one of these things that once you see it you can't unsee it Oh, and then you just become abundantly aware of how much totally how frequently we're kind of reinforcing these Yeah, yeah, but I think we should still be talking about it, but maybe we don't have to reference the movie anymore Okay. Yeah, we'll just go straight. It just feels unethical to claim that we have this perspective Unaided.

I know how do we get around this? No, oh the t.m. Y. l.

I t. M. Y. L.

I T. M. Y. L.

I anyways, we're watching t. M. O. Y.

It sounds like um t. R. L. I.

Oh, yeah, well, maybe we'll just call it that Okay, that'll be our life. Yes Wait, we can talk t. R. L.

I. It's t. It's totally quest live. Yeah, just t.

R. L R. L. I guess t.

R. L. I. Anyway, I just I just want the listeners to know that we know we're saying that a lot Yeah, I don't know them.

I don't know if that bothers anyone. Maybe not but sometimes when I hear and I'm like, oh boy, we have really talked about this That's a bit of criticism. I'm open to some criticism. I don't take most of it.

Okay. Well, we don't need to tell people See, no, I don't I don't want people to tell us and then people get an argument Okay, you're right. I don't want any arguments. I don't want anyone arguing on our behalf That always makes me sad if I see in our comments that an argument has started between arm cherries Yeah, I don't like that.

Never like that. Yeah, often I'll just erase that. I don't like it. Mm-hmm.

What's one of them? Well, so the one I was just gonna say that and you busted me yesterday when I was responding, which is This one was really critical of me using the term junkie that I was perpetuating somehow this shame For addicts and what I explained to her was that's our term like people in AA call themselves alkeys and junkies And we've reclaimed it. I compared it to the N word like they took that back Yeah, like this is something used to say to us to shame us you're an alky or a junkie, but then we owned it So I was like no, I I get to say whatever I want about the group. I mean you can't tell me I can't use the word junkie describe itself Right.

Sure, you know or alky. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Boozy.

I don't know we don't use that much, but I can imagine it's not a very clever one It's more like a clown that's gonna show up to your party boozy. Oh, hon. You didn't hire boozy. Did you?

The last birthday party caught the garage on fire smoking rock Um Yeah, I think you can call yourself whatever you want. Yeah, I don't know if it's the same as the N word Well, it is in that they took a word that was used to Diminish their status and shame them. Uh-huh and said no, we're gonna own this word now And it's for us and we're gonna take that meaning and change it for us Yeah, it's similar now. I don't think uh the addicts experience in life is the same as a black person I'm just saying I think those are analogous.

Yeah, I just think like The reason they had to reclaim it is because they had no choice like they They didn't they're not choosing whether they're black or not here. We go back in that same argument. We had the other day But it's not to me. It's but I don't think someone's choosing a addict either.

That'd be a weird choice to make But so you're saying junkies are addicts or junkies are people who are doing drugs There is a difference traditionally a junkie is someone who uses heroin Right, right and so and it was a term created by non-addicts to shame addicts and refer to them as pieces of shit Yeah, I don't like mangy dogs junkies right couldn't be aware. They're saying they're those humans are junk Right and so people who suffer from their they're interested in junk I don't know if it's a they are junk, but maybe I don't know. Yeah Well at any rate, addicts who are sober will call themselves ex-junkie or a junkie or I'm a junkie So I gotta go to meetings. Yeah, yeah, and that that is the exact now you could drill down into whatever aspect of it You want to but the simple fact that it was something Invented to be derogatory towards us that we then took on in our own little community and call each other junkies and alky's right that parts I think similar.

Yeah, that is similar. Oh Well, you said that the first time you jacked off use your dad's big jar of Vaseline But then you've also referenced using some lotion Right. Yeah, but that was a lotion and not the petroleum jelly, right. Yeah, so you you prefer the lotion well A couple things that the lotion was more available in my house When I didn't live with my father also cleanups a lot easier petroleum jelly doesn't wash.

Yes, it's hard to clean up Yeah, I guess for the lotion are you just rubbing it in? No, no, I post You know masturbation you then clean up, you know, you'd wash off your penis But I guess if it was a lotion you could just rub it in and make your penis soft Yeah, but you're using more than can be absorbed by the the dermis and so you're gonna then probably soil your under dungarees You're unmentionable. Oh sure. I mean very healthy.

It is. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Well, so you coming out on the side of the yellow lotion Yeah, and then you know no one needs to know this, but then I just stopped using lotion altogether Yeah, you don't use any lubricant. No, no on rare occasion at a hotel, you know, they're offering that lotion there at the At the sink, there's generally a shampoo a conditioner and a lotion. Yeah, and there's also a big stack of fresh No, no, no, no washcloths.

Oh sure. So everything's right there to go full service So those those times are more like a pampering like a spa day for me I'm gonna put a lot of effort into this and I'm gonna really eventize it and I'm gonna get romantic and fully nude You know, just really spoil myself right Those are the only times which you're getting less and less as I age which is a little bit discouraging Well, what happened? Yeah, it's the natural trajectory trajectory. Well speaking of that.

All right, you guys couldn't figure out how to say ostracization, but it's ostracization. No, I can't say it. Yeah, it's not easy ostracization Nailed it It is that ostracization ostracization ostracization ostracization. Why can't I do it?

Well, it's there's too many C's being used as S's in there and stuff Yeah, and if I'm I hate our fucking English. I actually don't think it's the word. It's not a real word. Now.

People are using it So now it's on like dictionary, but it's not it didn't come up immediately. So it's not even a real word. You say ostracized. That's yeah Or ostracized.

They've been ostracized. Yeah, they're being ostracized. Yeah, or you're ostracizing them. Yeah, we don't have other No, we don't need to use it that way.

Anywho. Oh, you know, I'm in a fact check myself Because I said that our 98 percent of our audience is female now. I don't know the exact percentage, but it's probably not 98 But it's high. No, it's high, but it's not that it's not that I just said that well But the only metrics we really have to guess this on is how many people are following on the social media accounts Which are predominantly female, but I think like 80 percent right not in the 90s But we we just don't know we don't know because then we then it begats the question do women follow more on instagram than men That was my theory.

Yeah, I think instagram's more a female platform percentage wise than apparently YouTube supposed to be a real male platform Okay, yeah, we're 86 percent women on instagram 86 on social But that again, we don't that doesn't mean anything really right there could be like a husband and wife and the wife follows on instagram And the husband doesn't and I just don't feel like guys care that much about like seeing pictures of us Mmm. Maybe the girls do although men are we're supposed to be more visual, aren't we? Well, I guess that's just for sexual stuff Probably yeah, I guess women's women seem to really enjoy pictures of food. Yeah.

Yeah and pictures of home goods furnishings and pictures of Period. Oh, here we go. T. Y.

L. M. I know Okay, so Thomas said he thinks McDonald's is a terrible corporation. Okay, and I know people think that but I was like, why do people think that?

I'm just out of the loop. Uh-huh, but I got into the loop a little bit. Oh, tell me can I guess? Yeah, I guess just that we have a um We have a obesity epidemic in the country We have a heart disease epidemic in the country and I think the food they serve is associated with some of those Is that what it is?

I think that's part of it. It's like a luring in Too bad habits and they were one of the first companies to advertise towards kids specifically and build playgrounds at the Restaurant and toys and all that. Uh, yeah So I think that that is part of this and I think there's like some exploitation of workers according to some people and world's largest user of beef Mm-hmm, so but if you read fast food nation, which was a fascinating book. I love that book get the history of all these chains Uh-huh get a history of Potato production jr.

Sim plot the potato baron of Idaho And in that book they said you know the buying power of McDonald's is so enormous that they have made policy The reason we didn't have GMOs here and they did have them another place was so simply that McDonald said they would not buy GMO genetically modified potatoes So there was no potato grower in the country that could afford to not be selling to McDonald's And so I think like in that book fascinating they were urging them to put some guidelines on poultry production Because they just have so much sway over all the industries interesting. Yeah, you know, huh? Anyway, so yeah bad for the environment, you know all those things, but let's just be honest You and I eat at McDonald's. Yeah, we've eaten there.

Yeah, we don't eat there No, like I'd say every six months you and I Yeah, probably twice a year. Yeah, I would say so. Well mainly for the fries the fries or so But I I love a big match with extra sauce and extra cheese. Yeah, I know but I you know I have no stands on this other than I like it a couple times a year and uh, I don't think that I could eat it daily and still take my shirt off on TV That's my guess.

I think that's a really good guess. Just different super size me Probably wouldn't feel ethical about doing that. Right, right. You know, this is a good point So we had uh dinner with Sam Harris and uh, he said, you know The thing no one really talks about is the two options seem to be vegan or go bananas, right?

That's like all you hear. Those are the two camps. He's like but If The effect that it would have globally for people to just maybe eat meat three days a week Well, I think that is what that's the new trend is like meatless Mondays and things like that like people are trying to be more moderate about their Yeah, that seems like a much more appealing Yeah, uh stance on it or more realistic to more realistic for sure and it can have a gigantic impact if people were to cut out Half of the week. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's happening. I think that's happening in places. I don't know that it's so Moderation's hard though for me Yeah, I feel like you eat well eating. Yeah, um, but even that really if you notice I pretty much eat Perfect and I eat terrible.

That's how I am too Yeah, I know like almost perfect five days a week and then I eat like a deranged Tasmanian devil for two days I know yesterday two pieces of lasagna at different times of the day and two pieces of pie Also at different times of the day a whole sandwich and then this morning you had the protein breakfast That was healthy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so I don't know I don't like just eating a little bit bad each day But mostly good that's harder for me than eating perfect five days and then terrible for two days, but it's working I'm not morbidly obese. No. Yeah, I know but it's just a matter of like how you feel when you're eating those things. I think that's really For me.