Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

Chapter 20 – Law and DisorderMusic featured in this chapter:Who Are You – The WhoFinding Myself – Haley KlinkhammerYou Don’t Know How It Feels – Tom Petty and the HeartbreakersBreakdown – Tom Petty and the HeartbreakersPandora’s Box – MARINAWhere In The World? – Gavin FridayIn this chapter of my memoir I discuss my awkward transition from my cult life to my ordinary life. I kept my complicated past a secret, but there were odd things about me. When I eventually made friends at university, I knew they gossiped about some of my oddities. For example, I had almost no furniture in my bachelor apartment, and my only source of music was my TV. That I wasn’t familiar with certain musicians or musical references, and I had no sound system, was particularly odd to my new friends because they knew how much I liked music, which was something we bonded over.Losing my religion freed me from the Family’s groupthink mindset. Having repudiated my religious identity, I needed to create a new secular one, but to do that I had to know myself first. University was an ideal place for that. Exposure to different ideas, opinions and perspectives helped me discover my own mind and how I viewed the world now that I no longer believed it was doomed to end soon. Campus life also offered many opportunities to resocialize after years of separation from society.While I was getting to know my true self for the first time and creating a new persona, I was hesitant to reveal my past to people. Although I felt unwhole with half of my life hidden from others, I feared they would judge the new me if they knew my old self. I did attempt to tell two people in separate conversations, by awkwardly blurting out that I had been in a cult, but neither responded and asked me to explain. I never mentioned it again to them, or to anyone else.I found it difficult to unravel the complicated story of my strange Jesus freak life and understand it myself, let alone briefly explain it to someone else. It was easier to simply tell people I had been an English teacher working and travelling in Asia for a decade. My cover story was at least partly true, and helped me account for my ignorance when someone referred to some aspect of popular culture that I was unaware of.Who Are You – The WhoI know there's a place you walked Where love falls from the trees My heart is like a broken cup I only feel right on my knees I spit out like a sewer hole Yet still receive your kiss How can I measure up to anyone now After such a love as this? Well, who are you? Oh, tell me, who are you? Oh, I really wanna know Tell me, tell me, who are you? Come on, come on, who? Oh, who the f**k are you? Who are you? Oh, tell me, who are you? Finding Myself – Haley KlinkhammerWho am I today It seems to change all the time One minute I will be me Only to change into who the world wants me to be Cause how can I live up to the expectations of this place And when will I speak up And say that I’m not sure of where I’m heading To all of you who have told me that I’ll make it one day Sometimes I’m not so sure Sometimes I run away from it Sometimes I lose myself I’m a stranger to me Why’s it gotta be that the hardest thing for me Is the fact that life’s so hard to read The uncertainty It makes me crazy To the point where I can’t sleep And while I find myself in this life Just bear with me as I try To find where I fit in In this sea of different places There’s so many choices to make How can I make the right one With all these thoughts running through my head But even through all the doubt I’m gonna find myselfIn this chapter I also discuss how I began to self-medicate with cannabis to deal with symptoms related to my undiagnosed complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which at first was primarily regular migraines. Cannabis not only greatly reduced the frequency and severity of migraines, but even after I started to use it daily after my first year at university, I maintained straight As in every course over four years. Cannabis was also a social lubricant that helped me make some friends while at university.Soon after returning to Canada I began smoking cannabis again, but once my studies started I only used it on weekends to help me relax. During the first year, I noticed that migraines often occurred on a Friday, so seemed to be caused by cumulative stress from studying and working. Knowing that cannabis reduced my stress, I wondered if daily use might prevent them.I had straight As in every course that first year, and wanted to maintain that success. At the time there was a fear-based drug prohibition campaign, “Just Say No”, that depicted a brain on drugs as a fried egg. That propaganda scare tactic seemed absurd to me, but the disinformation effectively created enough doubt that I worried using cannabis daily might dumb me down by diminishing my cognitive skills. I was desperate for relief, though, so I experimented with two small joints each evening after all my homework was done.Over time, I noticed that the frequency of my migraines reduced to less than once a month. Cannabis also seemed to improve my intellectual creativity by opening doors of perception when reflecting on my studies afterwards. I often gained insights and made connections I hadn’t considered in class. Far from dumbing me down, disciplined daily use of cannabis had no negative effect on my cognition. For the next three years I continued to get straight As in every course, and had the highest grade point average in the program. Awarded the Liberal Studies medal for high academic achievement, I graduated with distinction.iCannabis was also a social lubricant that made it easier to meet like-minded people. A co-worker at one of my campus jobs welcomed me into her social circle of mostly married couples around my age. They all smoked cannabis too, so I was soon hanging out at their homes, going to house parties and pubs, and even to three out-of-town concerts to see Bob Dylan, the Rolling Stones, and Steve Winwood.It had taken over two years after leaving the Family before I finally met people I could relate to on some level and be comfortable socializing with. While I was glad to be a little less lonely now, I didn’t let them in on my secret past, so they stayed superficial acquaintances rather than intimate friends. I desired deeper relationships, but my inability to be trusting and truthful hindered my search for authentic intimacy.You Don’t Know How It Feels – Tom Petty and the HeartbreakersPeople come, people go Some grow young, some grow cold I woke up in between A memory and a dream But let me get to the point, let's roll another joint And turn the radio loud, I'm too alone to be proud You don't know how it feels You don't know how it feels to be meIn the next part of this chapter I discuss my move to Vancouver to attend Simon Fraser University’s teacher training program. I intended to become a high school teacher, but I dropped out in the second semester. I then became politically active as an anti-prohibition activist living in a constant state of civil disobedience, consuming cannabis I illegally grew myself. I also became an advocate for street drug users and sex workers in my neighbourhood being preyed on by a serial killer.That activism led me to law school at the University of British Columbia. For a couple of my law courses I wrote legal essays arguing that in the face of a public health emergency the provincial government had a legal duty to open supervised drug consumption clinics to prevent overdoses and the spread of disease. Those essays were used in the fight to establish Insiteii in Vancouver’s downtown East Side, which opened and began saving lives in 2003. It was North America’s first official supervised drug consumption clinic, and it has saved thousands of lives. It is one of my proudest contributions to public health and human rights in my short-lived legal career.After describing that legal career, I tell the story of my first and only intimate relationship I’ve had since escaping the cult. My 10-month relationship with Janet should have remained just an end of summer fling, but because it was a torrid affair we both tried to keep it going.Our summer fling probably should’ve ended with the season, when my last year of law school started. But for the first time in my life I was enjoying typical teen and young adult dating experiences I missed out on when I joined the Children of God. I was just living in the moment, not thinking about where this was headed, but Janet was. A couple months later, she told me she loved me, but immediately said I didn’t have to say it back, so I didn’t. I needed to tell her about my past first. On our next date I blurted out that I had been in a cult. Like me, she didn’t respond. We simply continued on as if neither of us had said what we said.In many ways we were incompatible, and our inability to communicate at a deeper level led to bitter arguments. I had no problem debating different points of view academically, but in my personal life I wasn’t used to arguing. I had lived for so many years in a groupthink environment where disagreements were disallowed, that my automatic reaction was to walk away each time we quarrelled rather than try to resolve our differences.I hadn’t dealt with my past, so I couldn’t recognize all the ways that my former life affected my present one. Without that self awareness, it was difficult to honestly communicate and develop a deeper relationship with Janet. But I had to sort out my immediate, uncertain future first before I could deal with my past. As my graduation neared, with no job prospects and money running low, I was under tremendous stress and anxiety. After another heated argument over something trivial, our ten-month affair finally ended. Janet was my first, and to this day, only romantic relationship outside the Family. I’ve been celibate since then. My time with her was the closest I ever got to a normal life.Breakdown – Tom Petty and the HeartbreakersIt's alright if you love me It's alright if you don't I'm not afraid of you runnin' away honey I get the feeling you won't Say there ain't no sense in pretending Your eyes give you away Something inside you is feeling like I do We said all there is to say Baby Breakdown, go ahead and give it to me Breakdown, honey, take me through the night (Take me, baby, breakdown, ooh) Breakdown, now I'm standin' here, can't you see? Breakdown, it's alright It's alright, it's alrightAfter telling that anecdote about Janet, I return to describing my legal education and short-lived career.My time at law school had been extremely stressful, manifesting as anxiety and chronic insomnia, worsened by industrial noise from nearby port facilities. On top of everything else I was doing, I got involved with neighbours fighting the Canadian Pacific Railway for causing excessive, unnecessary noise pollution that was harming our health.iii Although I was able to use that experience dealing with regulatory bodies for a law course assignment, I continued to suffer serious side-effects of extreme sleep deprivation from the nightly noise.I began to have sporadic, abnormal public outbursts of anger in normal situations. Each incident embarrassed and confused me as it was uncharacteristic behaviour that belied my soft-spoken personality. I suspected my insomnia, anxiety and angry outbursts were related to my past, but I didn’t understand the connections and why certain situations triggered my memories and outbursts. So, I continued to suppress my past until I had time to write it down, which was the only way I knew how to deal with it....In the spring of 2002, I celebrated the last day of law school with three close classmates in one of their homes. Maybe the intimacy of sharing that difficult experience and triumphant outcome made me suddenly decide to reveal to them that I had been in a religious cult. I tried to tell the whole story from the beginning, but soon got side-tracked by questions I couldn’t answer, and bogged down in details trying to explain the inexplicable. Not only was it difficult for them to comprehend, there were many things about that life I still didn’t understand myself....Since leaving the Family I never heard any news about it from media reports or other sources, and didn’t look for information on the Internet. I was putting that off until I had time to write my story. But my friends’ many questions aroused my curiosity, so the next day I did a quick search online and easily found the Family’s website and a few ex-member websites. I glanced at the Family’s site just long enough to see that they were still going strong despite all of Berg’s failed prophecies.The Family site didn’t interest me, but the websites created by former members contained disturbing developments. Skimming through the various sections, articles, and discussions, I quickly understood that they were exposing all kinds of past and current abuses in the group. Clearly, there was much more to my story than I was aware of. I quit reading, unable to deal with those terrible truths while my immediate future was still undetermined. But it was too late. I had opened Pandora’s box, which ironically is the name of the street I was living on. Suppressing my past became more difficult.Pandora’s Box – MARINAYou almost turned me psycho I almost lost my mind I didn't know the depth yet Of someone so unkind Someone who was special In every other way (Mm-mm) You damaged what we had But for her, it's just another day You opened up Pandora's box You don't know what you just unlocked I lose all control Let go of my darkest thoughts 'Cause I see the truth, we were stacked against the odds And I pray that hope's not lost I've escaped many vices Like drugs and alcohol But I can never escape The war inside my skull You know that lovе's a gift But it can also be a curse (Mm-mm) Always the optimist Dеaling with somebody else's can of worms Yeah, I thought it would get better I kept my hope alive (Ooh) But I don't wanna be the bearer Of pain just so we can surviveI continued having occasional outbursts of aggressive verbal abuse while apprenticing at the law firm. The worst was during a Bar exam mock trial. When my opponent unfairly violated one of the rules, I broke out of character, and dramatically stopped the performance by angrily calling him out. Everyone was stunned, including my instructor and the lawyer who was acting as judge. That was a wake-up call. Although it didn’t prevent me from passing the Bar, an emotional fit like that while in a real court of law, or other legal setting, wouldn’t be as easily overlooked. It could negatively affect not only the case, but my reputation and ability to continue practising law.If those spontaneous outbursts were being triggered by my subconsciously suppressed past, as I suspected, then they would continue until I exorcised the memories haunting me. I thought the best way to do that was to simply put those secrets into words on a page, exposed for all to see. However, working on legal cases for nearly two years, in the Indigenous law clinic and at Mandell Pinder, it was obvious to me that I wouldn’t have the emotional or mental stamina and cognitive concentration to write a memoir in my spare time. So, when the law firm only offered me a short-term contract I faced another major life decision....It felt like a now-or-never moment. I had put off writing my story twice before, both times to focus on education. Now, the compulsion to write it was overwhelming, and that irresistible need pushed me into a decision that I might not have made had I known how things would turn out....I had opened the lid on Pandora’s box all the way, delving deep into the articles and archives on the ex-member websites. I was entirely engrossed in the disturbing testimonies and evidence of child abuse I found there, which had a profound affect on me. The more I learned, the more my life fell apart. I knew nothing about mental illness, but it seemed to me that I was having a slow motion nervous breakdown.Where In The World? – Gavin FridayThe soul is up for hire, we sold out the heart. The truth lies deep under our skin, Bite the hand that gives, kiss the hand that takes. Where in the world can I turn and look to? Things never change they fade away. The Church of Love ... it's law and disorder. We're meant to give more than we take. Calling Gods on high, it's in your name millions die, Silenced those who scream, no golden cold image can redeem, The tongue tells lies, minds deceive. I turn around and see a finger pointing at me Where in the world can I turn and look to? Things never change they fade away. The Church of Love ... it's law and disorder Where cheating hearts can kneel and pray. Put your feet on the water, play Jesus for the day... They say the times are a changin', we've woken to our ignorance, truly I believe but I find it hard to see. Where in the world can I turn and look to? Things never change they fade away. The Church of Love... it's law and disorder We're meant to give more than we take. Where in the world can I turn and look to? Things never change they fade away. The Church of Love ... it's law and disorder Where cheating hearts can kneel and prayi Liberal Studies medal https://news.viu.ca/alum-month-perry-bulwerii Insite - Supervised Consumption Site iii “Racket on the Rails” by Perry Bulwer > This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit perrybulwer344598.substack.com