Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

Chapter 18 – Should I Stay Or Should I Go?Music featured in this chapter:Losing My Religion – R.E.M.Should I Stay or Should I Go – The ClashBirthday – The BeatlesLeaving on a Jet Plane – John DenverThis chapter of my memoir continues where chapter 17 left off, when I secretly listened to the R.E.M. song Losing My Religion while at the Heavenly City School cult compound in Japan. It was an “aha moment”, when in a state of spiritual turmoil I realized I no longer believed David Berg was a prophet.Although that R.E.M. song was a turning point for me, I remained a believer in God and did not lose all my religious beliefs until I was in university and used that education to deconstruct those beliefs. So, this chapter is not titled after that song, but another that describes the dilemma I was in. Instead, Losing My Religion is the title of the next chapter, where I describe that educational process. The following excerpt is from the end of chapter 17 and the beginning of chapter 18.... All my doubts came to a head when I returned to Japan in 1991.Although members had to write regular reports revealing not just their activities, but their state of mind, I now knew better than to expose my true thoughts and feelings. I kept my inner turmoil to myself, choosing my confessions carefully, like I had done as a child in the Catholic confession booth. However, some of my angst spilled out occasionally in angry outbursts and quarrels over petty things with co-workers. That forbidden behaviour was very uncharacteristic of me, so I was as surprised as they were when I did that. I wasn’t happy, and it was getting harder to hide behind a smile.One day, I suddenly realized what was happening to me. Like most members, I had a portable cassette player for listening to Family music. Mine, which I purchased in Hong Kong, also had a radio. Most worldly music was forbidden, so at first I self-censored and only listened to the radio for news reports. But now I began to covertly listen to pop music on an American Forces Network radio station while I walked around the HCS compound for exercise. I placed a Family music cassette in the player to conceal what I was really listening to in case anyone asked.It wasn’t unusual for me to interpret a song’s lyrics as a divine message directly applicable to my own life. That’s what happened in 1979 after I first heard Dylan’s song, “Gotta Serve Somebody”, which prompted me to return to serving God in the Family. Now, another rock song stopped me in my tracks like that one did, only it led me in the opposite direction. When I heard “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M., I finally realized that’s what was happening to me....When I heard R.E.M.’s song “Losing My Religion” on the radio in the spring of 1991 it was a current hit so got regular airplay. Each time I heard it, I was mesmerized by the introspective lyrics that reflected my inner turmoil and spiritual confusion. I understood now that I was starting to lose my religion. Months of soul searching, questioning, and doubting Berg’s biblical interpretations and bizarre spiritual fantasies finally led to the realization that, like the song described, I was a blinded fool and the life I was living was just a fanciful dream.Awakening from a dream can be disorienting. I was confused, unsure of what I believed anymore. I had lost faith in Berg’s prophetic power and could no longer disregard my doubts and concerns. I wasn’t renouncing all Christian dogma, but my faith in the Family’s fundamentalist belief system had collapsed, undermined by facts I could no longer ignore. Totally losing my religion would be a longer process over a few years.Losing My Religion – R.E.M.That's me in the corner That's me in the spotlight Losin' my religion Tryin' to keep up with you And I don't know if I can do it Oh no, I've said too much I haven't said enough Every whisper Of every waking hour I'm choosin' my confessions Tryin' to keep an eye on you Like a hurt, lost, and blinded fool, fool Oh no, I've said too much I set it up Consider this, the slip That brought me to my knees, failed What if all these fantasies come Flailing around? Now, I've said too much But that was just a dream Try, cry, why try? That was just a dreamAfter hearing that R.E.M. song I began plotting my escape from the cult. However, after my plan was in progress and I had deceived the leaders into paying for a round-trip flight back to Canada on false pretences, I fell in love with a Japanese member, Wings, who had a 5 year-old daughter. I now had a difficult dilemma: I wanted to leave the cult, but I also wanted to rescue Wings and her daughter from that abusive environment.Should I Stay or Should I Go – The ClashShould I stay, or should I go now?If I go, there will be troubleAnd if I stay, it will be doubleSo come on and let me knowThis indecision’s bugging me (Esta indecisión me molesta)If you don’t want me, set me free (Si no me quieres, librarme)Exactly whom I’m supposed to be (Dígame que tengo ser)Don’t you know which clothes even fit me? (Sabes que ropa me “quedrá”?)Come on and let me know (Me tienes que decir)Should I cool it, or should I blow? (Me debo ir o quedarme?)My flight to Canada had already been booked before I could work out a way to rescue Wings and her daughter. I arrived at my parents home in late August 1991, close to my birthday. With my return flight to Japan pre-booked, my dilemma came to ahead and I was forced to make a decision: either remain in Canada or return to Japan to rescue Wings from the cult.I knew I couldn’t stay in an indecisive state of limbo for long. I had to choose one life or another, each with certain obstacles and uncertain futures. This time there was no song, movie, scripture or other sign directing my path. Instead, in my unstable state of mind, I made a rash decision based on my emotional overreaction to an innocent comment at an extended family gathering.My birthday is in September, so initially I thought it was an all-in-one welcome home/birthday/farewell celebration on my behalf. I was surprised when almost all of my mum’s relatives came, as I wasn’t close to many of them. But there was another purpose for the party. My mum and aunt told me later in the evening that they used the occasion to plan a family reunion that their brother would come to.My uncle had recently been diagnosed with advanced cancer, and they thought this would be the last chance to get all nine siblings together. They knew he would be reluctant to attend a reunion focused on him, so a party for me was the perfect reason to convince him to come. I realized that some had probably only come for his sake, and in my highly sensitive, emotional mood I couldn’t help feeling slightly used. In that moment I felt as alienated from my real family as I was from my spiritual family. The only thing I was certain of was my love for Wings. I couldn’t get her out of my mind.My birthday party in mum’s backyardBirthday – The BeatlesThey say it's your birthday We're gonna have a good time I'm glad it's your birthday Happy birthday to youLove is a powerful motivator. I had long acted out of a misguided, fearful love for God. Now the fear of missing a rare opportunity to share genuine mutual love was moving me. Re-establishing my life in Canada would always remain an option, but I had only one chance to return to Japan and be with Wings. I knew I wouldn’t get another one if I didn’t use my prepaid return ticket. I didn’t know her real name and had no independent way to contact her without going through the Family. If I didn’t return to Japan now I would never know if I could’ve successfully rescued her and Joy, and created a new family with them. So, I decided to return, not to remain in the Family, but to persuade Wings to leave it with me.My plan was to return to the HCS and push the leaders for permission to legally marry Wings. I knew other foreign members lived in Japan on spousal visas, so I thought they might approve that. It was an all or nothing gamble that could back-fire and strand me overseas again, but I thought it was a fairly safe bet.The next step in my plan would be to confide my doubts to Wings and convince her that the Family was not a safe place to raise her daughter. I was confident I could persuade her to leave for Joy’s sake once I described the abusive treatment of teens I witnessed in Macau. I also thought my English teaching experiences gave me a good chance of finding a job in Japan. So after three weeks in Canada, I flew back to Japan with that uncertain, though hopeful plan.Leaving on a Jet Plane – John DenverEvery place I go, I'll think of you Every song I sing, I'll sing for you When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that you'll wait for me Hold me like you'll never let me go 'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane Don't know when I'll be back again Oh babe, I hate to go Dream about the days to come When I won't have to leave aloneHowever, my dreams and plans failed, dramatically. I returned to Japan to enact my rescue plan, only to be denied entry into the country. Immigration officers ordered me to use my ongoing ticket on the next flight to Hong Kong. I returned to the cult commune where I had previously lived, and secretly plotted my escape back to Canada. My final escape would make a very dramatic scene in any filmed version of my memoir, as this soundtrack series imagines. I had no way to communicate with Wings without the cooperation of cult leaders, which they refused. Not knowing her real name or anything about her outside of the cult made it impossible to ever find her, which broke my heart.After jetting across the Pacific three times in less than a month, I arrived back in Canada for the final time on September 25, 1991. I was a misguided, uneducated 36-year-old with less than $100 in my pocket and everything I owned in a half empty suitcase. I would have to start my life over from scratch. The process of losing my religion was just beginning. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit perrybulwer344598.substack.com