Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

Chapter Five – IndoctrinationMusic featured in this chapter:Little Boxes - Malvina ReynoldsSchool’s Out – Alice CooperAnother Brick In The Wall, Part Two – Pink FloydDust In The Wind – KansasNo Time - The Guess WhoIn this chapter of my memoir I provide the full text of an article published in the Alberni Valley Times a month or so after I “joined” the local commune. At the top of the article was the transcription of the note I put in a Mother’s Day card that the reporter obtained from my mum. That note started with these lyrics to the Children of God song, “All I Want To Do Is Serve Him”.One day I took, I took an honest look, I tried everything, I played every game in the book, And I saw there was nothing in this world to live for any more. Then one day, one day I heard about, A certain man, a man who could work things out, So I came to Jesus, you know He came in and showed me the way. Now all I want to do is serve Him That others may know Him And the power of His love.In that note to my mum I wrote: “Other mothers can say: my son is a doctor or lawyer, or my son lives in a mansion with two swimming pools. But you can say, my son lives and works for Jesus.” And in an endnote about that AV Times article I wrote:“My reference to “a doctor or lawyer” in the Mother’s Day card is directly related to lyrics in the 1960s folk song “Little Boxes”, a satirical song about middle class conformity, with specific references to university, doctors and lawyers. We often sang it in an elementary school music class, and I absorbed its nonconformist attitude along with other countercultural influences of the time.”Ironically, I did become a lawyer after I escaped the cult, which my mum was very proud of.Little Boxes - Malvina ReynoldsLittle boxes on the hillside Little boxes made of ticky-tacky Little boxes on the hillside Little boxes all the same There’s a pink one and a green one And a blue one and a yellow one And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky And they all look just the same And the people in the houses All went to the university Where they were put in boxes And they came out all the same And there’s doctors and lawyers And business executives And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky And they all look just the sameAlthough that newspaper report included community religious leaders expressing concerns for young teens like me being recruited by the cult, none of them mentioned educational concerns.An important fact not mentioned in the article is that I dropped out of high school midway through grade 11 to join the Children of God. It’s an odd omission considering all the concerns parents and pastors had about their children being led astray by the group. Although the head of the ministerial association criticized the group for shunning social responsibilities and paid employment, he said nothing about their rejection of the education system. Neither did the reporter, even though the recent Sun series reported stories similar to mine of teens dropping out of school.If the reporter had been allowed to interview me, she would’ve learned that several days after joining the group, I returned to school to clean out my locker. I didn’t intend to talk to anyone, but a couple of my teachers coming out of the staff room saw me. Knowing I hadn’t been in class recently, they asked me what I was doing. I told them I was quitting, which surprised them because I wasn’t the typical student who dropped out. They asked me if I was willing to talk to the guidance counsellor before I left.I had never spoken to him, or received guidance from any teacher before. No teacher ever told me that I had the intellectual potential to do almost anything I wanted, pointed out all the possible options, and encouraged me to pursue a university education. Perhaps more importantly, my educators hadn’t taught me the critical thinking skills required to recognize and resist irrational religious dogma. Though I did talk to the counsellor that day, his inadequate advice was far too late.... When I told him I had left home to serve Jesus and didn’t need more education to do that, he looked puzzled and took a moment to look at my school record. I doubt he ever had a student tell him that. He suggested I take time over the summer to reconsider my decision, probably assuming it was just a pie-in-the-sky fantasy I would soon give up.Since there were only two months left in the school year, and I wasn’t failing my classes, he said I could go straight into grade 12 if I came back in September. Unfortunately, that guidance counsellor didn’t guide me by discussing the value of higher education and the opportunities it would provide me. In fact, no teacher or any other adult had ever discussed with me the possibility of going to university. I just assumed that it was both financially impossible and beyond my intellectual ability, so didn’t see it as an option.School’s Out – Alice CooperSchool’s out for summer School’s out forever No more pencils No more books No more teacher’s dirty looks Out for summer Out ‘til fall We might not come back at allAnother Brick In The Wall, Part Two – Pink FloydWe don’t need no education We don’t need no thought control No dark sarcasm in the classroom Teacher, leave them kids alone All in all, you’re just another brick in the wallIn the rest of this chapter I describe the initial indoctrination process I was subjected to in the first six months of my new cult life. I wrote:… I was still unaware that the Children of God had a leader, that his real name was David Berg, and he considered himself a spiritual king, but in a very real sense I was becoming his servant. For now, though, his true name and role was kept hidden from me for the first three months, until they considered me indoctrinated enough to be trusted with his prophetic origin story.On my second evening in the commune Japheth read us an essay he said was from a spiritual elder who often wrote the group letters of guidance. They called him Mo, short for Moses, and I soon learned there were many more of these Mo Letters, which we read daily as part of our Bible studies.“Diamonds of Dust” was my first exposure to those letters. It’s a short reflection on the common experience of watching dust particles sparkle in a ray of sunshine coming through a window. It’s a simple spiritual meditation that paraphrases various Bible verses about serving God. The theme of the essay is that we are essentially nothing but a temporary dot of dirt, good only for reflecting God’s light.The thinner you are, the more the light gets through. The less there is of you, the more the light shines through! … For they can sparkle so short a while, and then they’re gone, like a man’s life – like the grass of the field which today is and tomorrow is gone! For what is your life? It’s but a vapour – a vapour that reflects His rays of light for a little while and then it’s gone! You have no guarantee of tomorrow. You better sparkle now while you have the light, or you’ll fade into oblivion and no one will know you even ever existed.Japheth then read from the Bible the various scriptures cited at the end of the tract, including James 4:14, Psalm 14:2,3, and Romans 3:10,23. They emphasise that we are all unrighteous, filthy sinners and can do nothing good without God. The most descriptive verse says, “But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.” (Isaiah 64:6) Japheth explained that the original meaning of the word translated as “filthy rags” was soiled menstrual cloth.That belittling of any sense of self-worth became a constant refrain in my life.Dust In The Wind – KansasDust in the wind All we are is dust in the wind Now, don’t hang on Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky It slips away And all your money won’t another minute buyThe Children of God’s evangelical message to go into all the world and preach the gospel appealed to my wanderlust and desire to see the world beyond my small valley town, so much so I was willing to leave my family.“No Time” by The Guess Who, a Canadian band, captures what I was feeling.No time left for you On my way to better things No time left for you I’ll find myself some wings No time left for you Distant roads are calling me No time left for you This is a public episode. 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