I've been trying to figure out if we get to choose our beliefs and I actually read about this in my book recently and I feel like you're all the person to ask this question because I know that our lives are governed by these beliefs about the world ourselves and everything in between. But can we choose them? I think so. You know when I was here last time you asked me about my childhood, which I don't talk about a lot.
It wasn't awful. It also wasn't amazing but the beliefs I had then, so totally different beliefs I have now because I chose to give myself better beliefs because you know you make your beliefs and then your beliefs turn right around and make you and then confirmation bias means you look at the proof of what you have chosen to believe and you'll find it. If you say, oh, I hate cats, they're vicious things that scratch you, they're really aloof. I don't like dogs, they're barky, yappy, horrible things.
Then if you believe that about a dog and you meet a dog, you'll feel so anxious that that will become true. But if you say, oh, I love dogs there, and there's loyal, gorgeous, loving things, then you'll have a different energy around them. So you should choose your beliefs. You should constantly upgrade, update, question your belief, where did I get that from?
Is that true? Who told me that belief? And even if it's true for them, does it have to be true for me? You know, I see a lot of women who say things like, well, you know, if you're really famous and rich, you'll never find a guy because 100 years ago, that was probably true.
Women didn't go for rich, successful women because they wanted them at home, but it's not true now. So your grandmother's belief is not your belief. I love my daughter's generation who don't do body shaming or fat shaming and have a whole different language. I think it's so refreshing.
So you can always choose your beliefs and you really should constantly check why do I even believe that? Is it even true? Because so often it's not true at all. It's just something you've been taught.
We've just gone along with it anyway. So in the case of cats then, you know, I like all animals, but cats, I do think, you know, the way you describe them, a little bit scratchy, sometimes a little bit, you know, annoying, not as loving as a dog. It's a lot of cat people here. If that is my belief, if I say to myself, I gain a cat, the wonderful, the lovely, you know, the fantastic name, scratch, et cetera, I feel like I'm just lying to myself.
And this is the case with self-belief as well, I could say that I'm amazing and attractive in all these things. But in my subconscious mind, after getting, I don't believe it's seven years old by a kid that called me fat and whatever else, am I just not lying to myself? Well, I think you should lie to yourself. I think you should lie to yourself.
I think you should lie to yourself. I think you should lie, cheat and steal every day of your life, lie to your mind, cheat fear and steal back the confidence you were born. But imagine you're going for an exam. I'm going to fail.
I'm going to mess it up. I've got a terrible memory. I know when I read that paper, my mind's going to go blank and I'm going to blow it. So that's the belief.
But you could also say, I've got a great memory. Everything I studied for this exam is in my head. When I read the paper, the question is going to come up and I'm going to remember the answers and I'm super chilled at exams. I'm cool, calm, collected.
I'm going to ace this exam. So if you repeat that over and over again, you see the subconscious doesn't think it just feels. And if you say I'm nervous, I'm so nervous and if the subconscious feels that, then when you're nervous, the mind shuts down, all the blood rushes to your heart and your mind empties, like I left right forwards back, would you just move because in fear, you don't think you move. So when you're scared, your mind empties, I remember years ago, I was coming home and this guy was following me and I knew he was following me and I knew I had minutes to get in my door and I couldn't get the key.
I couldn't remember which way. Oh my God, I have all the time to forget how this key works. I lived here for five years, but I was so scared. I couldn't remember how to open my door at all because when you're scared, your brain empties.
And so if you don't do an exam thing, I'm scared, I'm nervous. You won't do that. If you say, I've got a great memory. I love exams.
I'm excited about this exam. I'm so excited I'm going to be assessed. I'm going to do really well or I'm going to be assessed and I'm going to ace it. This person is going to love me and see that I'm so smart and my answers will show them that I know I'm talking about.
The mind doesn't go, well come on that silly. The mind goes, okay, whatever you say, you make it real, your mind's job is to make your thoughts real. The subconscious doesn't think it only feels. And if your mind's job is to make your thoughts real and your job is to think better thoughts all the time.
So imagine you're going to have a needle stuck in your arm and that's going to hurt and that's going to be so painful. But I always read my phone and if you cough just as a needle goes in, it confuses your mind and you don't feel it. Is that lying? Or is it just taking your mind somewhere else?
Because I think if I can choose my beliefs then I can un-choose beliefs but I can do them a single belief I have now that I could genuinely un-choose, I can say it but I think I'd still believe it. Yeah but the thing with the mind is that a couple of rules are the mind one is I'm going to give you a couple that will help you. Every thought you think is a blueprint that your mind and body work to make real. Every thought you think has a physical reaction and indeed an emotional response and here's another one the mind learns by repetition.
So when you think I thought a lot over and over again, it becomes really, even if it's not real. My neighbours driving me crazy, they're so noisy, I can never sleep, I can hear their television, they're getting on my nerves, it'll become your reality if you say it's a little bit irritating but I can put my headphones on, I can tune out, then you'll have a different reaction to the same event. We don't have to change events, we have to change how we think about the events. It's like saying, oh this commute to work is killing me, this being on this freeway is driving me crazy.
But someone else would go, wow I'd love to be on, you've got a car and you're going to a job and you're getting paid, that's my fantasy dream come true. Don't have to change a thing, you have to change how you think about the thing, so that is changing your beliefs and belief is really just the thought you think a lot, so you're born as a blank slate, where did you get those thoughts from, who gave them to you, so the beliefs you think you can't change, what do they come from, let's do it, then where do the beliefs you think you can't change come from? So I think one of the recurring beliefs I've had about myself, which I think goes back a long, as long as I can remember to be honest, is that I am fundamentally unorganized. Unorganized, okay.
I've been totally surprised to hear that because I'm very, I'd say, productive, my output is high, but the organisation of my stuff, even if you looked in my bag, it'd be like a jumble sale. My house as well, if I didn't have a cleaner, I think it would be, you know, it would be like a bomb with golf in there. I heard you saying actually on a podcast that when you go, your hotel room is very messy and it upsets you, but not enough to make you change it. You've been missing.
You're right. I think there's a habit or something that I've built into myself where, I think I've told myself it's faster to be messy, and the dissonance or the issue that I take with it is that's not who I want to be, I want to be a messy person, I want to be somebody who comes into the hotel room, goes into their suitcase and hangs everything up so that tomorrow is easier. What happens is, I dive into the suitcase, pull my gym equipment out and run to the gym, and it's something I want to change because it's almost like this concession in my life where I've gone, well, that's just who I am. I'm just a messy person.
I think we'll label ourselves. And of course, when you do that, now you're making it really say, no, I can't spell, but my dad couldn't spell and now it's genetic. So every time you say I'm just a messy person, the strongest person, you and everyone in the world as you must act in a way that utterly matches up with how you have chosen to define you. So if you start by changing that and saying, I love being organized, it gives me such joy to be all.
I love putting someone who say it, say it, say it. It will start to change. So for the last three weeks, I've been staying in a place with an amazing gym and I started to love working out with really, really heavy weights, because now I've got run over and I started to get muscle wasted in my leg. I was going to love heavy, heavy weights.
I love it. And I was really a Pilates yoga person. But for the last weeks, I get up and I'm in the gym at half seven, I've got to love heavy weights. And I didn't like it before, but I decided to say it over and over again, because when you say, stay in the firm something, your mind must make it real.
So all you have to do really is to start saying a lot. I love being organized. It gives me immense joy to put stuff where I love it when everything's in its place and I'm in a hotel. And sure, when I come back, I put my gym kit in a particular place and I love that feeling of being super organized and very quickly, it will start to change because you're thinking a thought that your mind has no choice but to make real.
So interesting. But it's also true, you know, you think a thought and your mind can't help it, it has to make, you know, we did that thing with a lemon, didn't we, when you think you're eating a lemon. We've done that. What's that?
Well, let's do it now. So put your hand in front of your mouth. Yeah. Imagine you're holding half of a great big fat juicy lemon.
Close your eyes and just put that lemon right up to your nose and breathe in that amazing lemon smell because nothing really smells quite like a lemon. Now squeeze that lemon so hard so that lemon drops, pucker onto the surface, stick out your tongue, lick off the lemon, open your mouth really wide and shove that entire lemon into your mouth. And I want you to start sucking and biting and chewing all the flesh, literally bite into that lemon until the lemon drops burst onto your tongue and your taste buds pucker and swell as you start to chew that lemon, suck that lemon, swell that lemon all around your mouth, keep eating the lemon, suck it, chew it, swell it around and then open your eyes. Did you start pumping out saliva?
Yes I did. And so here's a question. Was there a lemon? That's true.
There was no lemon. You can also say yes which is also true. They're both true. No there wasn't.
Yes there actually was. Where was it? Where was the lemon? It was making you make saliva.
My pad. And your head. Yeah it wasn't anywhere else. It was in your head.
Just do another one. Put your right arm out towards me. And just swing your arm behind you as far as it will go. And have a look at where it's gone.
Just look behind you to notice where it is. Bring it back. I think you went up to like the third book on that bookshelf. I want you to imagine.
Close your eyes and tell your mind. My arm's going to go a third further. I'm now like a bendy Barbie and Kendall. My arm is so flexible.
It's going further. I want you to imagine all the muscles in your right arm. Becoming super flexible like Cookpaster. Open your eyes.
Put your arm out. And say to arm you're going a third further now. You're going a third. You're like a pretzel.
You're super flexible. Go a third further. Swing your arm back and just watch as it goes a third further. Now look at how far it's gone.
You're only up to the third book before. So what happened then? I just believed my arm was going to go further. And it did.
And for a minute I get men who say no I can't please my wife. I can't get an erection. I can't keep it going. And she's going to leave me.
And if I tell them other things, you know you're a great lover. You can maintain an erection for 20 minutes or 10 minutes or the average is about four and a half minutes. That starts to happen. They don't do anything else.
Listen to a recording that says you have longer erections. You can have a great sex life. You can wait until you're part of an orgasm. And it all becomes true because everyone will say I can't do it.
It's all over in a minute. I can't please her or him. They actually make that real. But when you just change a thought, you know there's a song called Love Changes Everything by Climmy Fisher.
But actually thought change everything. When you think of thought it's such a game changer. Erections. It's so interesting because in my friendship group with my male friends, we've spoken about sex life, libido, erections.
We've all struggled in different ways at different times with this. And it's one of the areas in life where it's so clear to me that thoughts are the problem and the solution. Yeah, because again, if a man thinks about sex, looks at pictures, looks at a mood and gets aroused, you get a very physical reaction straight away even if there's no one in the room with you. So that's a classic example of thinking a thought about being aroused turned on, feeling it's actually attracted.
And your body makes it really even there's no one there. It can be at a wedding. It can be highly embarrassing for a guy to get an erection in the wrong place. But if you think of thought, I'm turned on here, the body makes it.
It does it for women too, but it's not so obvious for us. We can kind of hide it. But yes, it's a thought. I can't do it.
I can. I'm going to fail. I'm going to succeed. I also think I just learned that I was at a very young age that I think maybe that I learned that I was on level at some level because I think about being a black kid in an all white area where your house is dilapidated.
I think that's why you can't, never brought anyone home. Never brought anyone home. Never brought anyone home. Never brought anyone home.
No one knew where I lived. I had this constant shame. Yeah. Shame.
I showed up as if I was a confident kid. It was an act. It was an act. You went home feeling a cent.
You see, I taught 16,000 therapists all over the world. My teachers, there's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door. Only three things. One of them is, I'm different, so I can't connect.
The next one is, I want something that's not available to me. The third one is, I'm not enough. There's a lot of versions. I'm not smart enough, good enough.
But when you talk about that little boy who was a black kid in a white world living in a shambolic, I was never bringing people home straight away. You're saying, I was different, and if I'm different, I can't connect because we connect by being the same. I like postman, so do I. I like pastors, so do I.
I like barbie, so do I. Oh, you're my friend. But when you're different, you can't connect. So you first had that first thing, I'm different.
So I can't connect. What I want being the same as all the other kids is not available to me. And if you think you're unlovable, then you have to think you're not enough. But of course, that's what you felt, the truth is you're deeply lovable just the way you are.
But it's very hard when you don't feel it. So when you, you know, your feelings, the most real thing you have, and we're always trying to use logic. But logic doesn't work because in a battle in emotion and logic, emotion wins every single time. So the emotion of being this kid who felt different, not enough, not the same.
You can't logic that better. Yes, you can achieve a lot and work hard and be a millionaire. You know, John Lennon said, the thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside. And so you're trying to fake it till you make it, but then you just end up feeling like a big fake.
You have to go back and look at, okay, I felt different, but here's an interesting thing. If our greatest fear is to feel different, it must be none the same as everyone because that's our greatest fear to be different. It used to be cast out for being different, banished for being different. But actually, if you fear being different, I don't know that means you're the same as everyone because you've got the same fears.
And what wasn't available now, you've made it available many years ago, and you're deeply level and more than enough. So you have to kind of go back and look at that old scene to go, but that's not me anymore. Of course, it's not me. So just stating why it isn't you is actually one of the most transformational things you can ever do.
So we're so busy looking at how it is us. You know, here's all of the mind, whatever you look for, you will find whatever you focus on, you get more of. So when you look at how it's still you or still there or still bothering you, then you'll find it interesting. I think when you look at the mess in your room, you remember the shambolic house and that's why it bothers you.
Not because it's messy because you were brought up in a shambolic house. Now you come out and think, oh, look at this room. I've recreated the same instead of saying, actually, I'm in a five star hotel. There's a maid next door.
It's a little bit messy. It's not shambolic. But you see what your brain is looking for. It's what's the same.
And it will always find it. But if you look for what's different, you'll find that too. So when you have a brilliant brain, which we all have, and you definitely have, instead of you've got to talk yourself out of it, not into it. You're talking yourself into how the messy room is the same as the messy home and it bothers you greatly because it was out of your control, which it was when you're a kid living in that house.
Don't talk yourself. Talk yourself out of it. Oh, yeah. I have great a mess.
But hey, I'm a super successful guy. I'm busy. So I was going to come and clean all of this up. And it's not the same.
It's vastly different. But our mind is always looking for what's the same because it loves what is familiar. After all, if you were two-year-old kid living in the prairie and you wanted out on the prairie, you'd only eat the berries you already knew. You wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar because it would have killed you.
So our primitive brain wants to go back to what is familiar, back to what is known, back to what is comfortable. I wasn't sure whether I'm messy because it reminds me of home. So a messy room makes me feel comfortable or if it's the opposite. Like, you know, I've never been to which one it is.
Well, it's just, I think because you lived in a messy home, it was familiar, it was easy. No one said tidy up, put that away. So if you're in the army, friends, you say, oh, no, I make my bed and because you learned a certain way, but you learned the opposite, just everything's in a mess. So the two things, you learned it, it's familiar, but also it's deeply disappointing because it makes you feel, oh, God, there's a mess again and I can't fix it.
When the truth is you can't, you've always got a choice. The worst thing is I can't change it and I can't accept it. I can't change it. I can't accept it.
I can't change it. I can't accept it. I can accept it. I'm messy and I love it.
Like an artist or you can say, I can change it, but it's like, I can't change it and I can't accept it except it. My daughter loves living in a mess because she's an artist. She doesn't even see it. Or you can say, I can change it by changing how I think.
Just say I love, but it makes me feel powerful and if you say it enough, it will become real because your words create your reality. If you don't like your reality, you don't have to change it or you don't have to change the way you're speaking, which immediately changes your reality, which is completely shaped by your words.