MOTFL 026 JAM 020: Fostering Over 100 Children

In this episode, a foster and adoptive parent shares her experience of caring for her biological, adoptive and foster children. Voiceover: Welcome to the Mothers on the Frontline Podcast. Today, as part of our Just Ask Mom series, we listen to a foster and adoptive parent speak about her experience caring for over 100 foster children. Tammy: Hi. So, just tell us a little bit about yourself. Before or outside of mothering, what are your passions, interests? What do you love to do? Interviewee: Well, I love kids and so, I’ve kind of embedded my entire life with lots of children that surround me and my other passion outside of my children would be gardening and being outside and taking in nature. Tammy: Very nice. Do you do that with the children sometimes or is that your escape? Interviewee: We do. It’s kind of a combination. I like to ride the lawnmower and then I pretend that I’m on some wild motorcycle and I’m on a long drive across the United States and feeling the wind in my hair and I can’t hear anybody yelling, “Mom! Mom!” Over this lawnmower. So, that’s my escape. Tammy: That’s a great one. They have to catch up. Interviewee: Yeah. That’s right. Tammy: That’s awesome. So, I want you to pretend that you’re talking to people who are considering fostering or adopting a child and so, they’re potentially thinking of doing this, what would you like them to know about your experiences and what you’ve learned along the way? Interviewee: So, I’ve been a foster parent for several years. My husband and I chose when we moved back to the Midwest, we chose that we would do this for an indigenous group of people to help out the community. We have had so far, in the 16 years that we’ve done this, we’ve had 105 placements in our home which requires you know, new furniture, new carpet at the times. There’s a lot of fear with fostering. People feel that they’re going to be attached. What happens when, if their foster parents and they become attached to that child and the child leaves them? Well, then you go through a grieving process of course, but in foster care, the most important piece that you are to do is you are to be the calm in the storm for that child and you’re focusing on reunification for that child and their parents. Sometimes, that does not occur and then you look outside the box and look at relative placements or other, potential perhaps if it goes to termination and adoptive home if you’re not considering that yourself. So, there’s the fear factor of you’re going to break your heart, what happens, and that’s natural. I’ve done this for a long time and every time a child leaves my home they take a piece of my heart with them but it doesn’t mean it’s the end. Tammy: Does it get easier or? Interviewee: I would never say that it gets easier. It’s still, you still go through that grieving process. The thing that we have done that works well for our family unit is we connect with the birth families and we try to mentor the parents whether it be a single mom, maybe a single dad, sometimes it is a partnership and so we try to mentor we’re not saying we’re perfect by no means but we try to mentor that couple to help them overcome the obstacles that allow them to have the child removed and so, we try to mentor them to become better parents and so if that happens we’re able to have that ongoing relationship with that child and with that family. Tammy: So, it’s almost like they’re adopting the family. Interviewee: Exactly, exactly. Tammy: Right. What about people who are thinking of adopting? Interviewee: So there’s when a child is placed, if you do through the foster care program and you are placed with a child and it does go to termination, generally, the services like to keep the child within so that they don’t develop attachment disorders or have post-traumatic stress disorders with another removal, another home, and another set of families. If things are going well in that foster family and they are a pre-adopt home they really would like for the child to stay within that home and so, your chances to adopt a child through the foster care system could, it’s potentially… Tammy: Does it increase your chances? Interviewee: I would say it does. I don’t wanna, It makes me feel like you’re in the market of a marketing babies of children you know. Tammy: Right. Interviewee: So, I’m not sure what words I’m searching for it to say but it — yeah, if you’re a foster parent you have the potential then to become that child’s adoptive parent. Tammy: Right. Interviewee: A pretty good chance anyways. Tammy: So, I mean that’s. So, many kids it’s first of all, just thank you. That’s amazing. What you’re doing for our whole community is amazing. What, in this experience and you’ve got a lot of experience, what has been a barrier and getting help for your children something that really hasn’t worked that has been a challenge that you wish it could be different for others in the future? Interviewee: Sometimes there’s resources that are available but they are harder to receive if you’re in a rural area. Transportation is a concern. I also see that not only for the child that maybe needs therapy and to receive a good therapist. There’s a big distance from a rural area to a larger city where the majority of really good therapists are. Tammy: Yeah. Interviewee: Should a child need that? Another barrier I see is the court orders parents to do many things to get, to ensure that they are going to be better parents and that you know, to ensure that they can handle their child if their child is reunified. But a lot of times, you’re working in a cycle and so you know, there’s addictions or whatever the case may be but usually they don’t have a driver’s license or there’s a low… Tammy: They can’t get to this. Interviewee: Exactly or they’re low income and so, they set these parameters in place and say, “Okay. You need to do A, B, C, and D but you can’t even get to step A because I don’t have a car. I don’t have a car to try to get a job.” or I don’t have the education perhaps to get the job that will pay pretty good wages to help me get a car or I have bad credit or I mean there’s all kinds of obstacles in the beginning to get to A you know, before you can ever get to D and so, I see that as problematic at times when I’ve set through some orders placed by the court that the parents have to do things which I understand why they are doing it but there needs to be reap perhaps other resources available to help these people that are typically in rural areas. Tammy: So you say all the problems you mentioned are just magnified by that distance to where the services are. Interviewee: Exactly, Correct. Tammy: If you can’t drive but you’re in a rural area, there’s no public transportation. Interviewee: Exactly. Tammy: There’s no other option. Interviewee: Exactly, yeah. Tammy: So, that’s a really good point, yeah. Are there are other things that you think of that just really made it tricky? Interviewee: You know, every program you’re involved in you know, they have their ways and their rules which I, you know, I respect that but sometimes they’re not open to other ideas and so, you feel like sometimes you come up with this really good idea of, “Hey, why are we doing it this way when we could possibly be doing something over here?” And but you feel like you’re hitting a brick wall. Tammy: Yeah. Interviewee: And as a foster parent and an adoptive parent and as with any parent we want what is best for our child and so, when a child is placed with us, that’s, I really take pride in being a good foster parent. One of the, you know, one of the first things I do for the kids that are placed with us is we have a Spa Day and so, we get all, I give them a bath and we do their hair and we get all lotioned up and you know, you’ll make sure there’s no allergies but for an example I have had one little boy that had Eczema, really bad and he felt like a little alligator. His skin and it was not his fault by no means and it was not the fault of his birth mother. I mean, she didn’t have the means for the medication. Tammy: Exactly. Interviewee: But, I had experienced with my, our son having Eczema and so, I had the lotion that we use on him and so, I started putting on this little boy and he started softening up and he noticed it himself and he would go up to people and he’d say, “Touch me. Feel me. I’m soft.” So, you know I just really gave, made me feel good to know that even he was noticing that I was, we were taking pride in taking care of him and again not to by any means condemn you know, his birth family. You know, they did what they needed to do with the funds that they had. Tammy: Exactly. Interviewee: So, you know, there’s limitations, financial limitations is a lot. It’s… Tammy: It has to be heartbreaking. Interviewee: Yeah. Tammy: I mean that story is heartbreaking. It’s such a simple thing. Interviewee: Yeah. Tammy: Yeah. Interviewee: So, I pride myself and I just, I want to build that self-esteem. It’s hard enough you know, when a child is removed it’s traumatizing and so, I want to make that transition into our home very, very easy and very peaceful and relaxing and so, you have to be very careful especially if a child has been molested. Tammy: Yeah. Interviewee: So, I take it very slow but I gain their trust and we work forward with you know, through things and make it enjoyable for them for that self-esteem. Tammy: Yeah. That’s wonderful. So, these are some things that are difficult. What has worked really well and getting help for some of the children you’ve worked with that, that just work really well?<...