This is the Ramsey call of the day part of the Ramsey Network. Let's go to Ella in Los Angeles, California. What's up, Ella? Hi there.
How we doing? Not too good to be 100% honest. Oh, thank you so much for being honest. What's up?
So my husband and I have been married for four years, and he has a son from a previous marriage. And it's a really bad. It was a bad divorce. My stepson was 10, and they're still in a custody battle.
And I found out that my husband, we lived out of state and we moved three years already closer to his son. And that was a horrible decision because we don't have any family. But my husband has racked up about $200,000 in debt to his attorney, and he's on a payment plan of $12,000 a month. All a surprise.
I had no idea. I knew something was up. So I went into the. Which I shouldn't have done, and I saw the bill and I, like, I felt like I was gonna be sick.
And I told him this morning I wanted a divorce. I mean, we've just been fighting all the time over this for the past three years while he's been fighting for custody. And he told me that he's not gonna stop until he gets full custody. And I had no idea he was filing for full custody.
And I don't want full custody of his son because I stay at home and I would have to be the one to deal with him. He has some developmental issues. I don't know if I'm allowed to say what they are, but he had a lot of behavior problems, and I'm not. I can't take that on.
And I don't know what to do. I just feel like crying almost. Yeah. First one.
Yes. That's the appropriate response. You're in the middle of a hurricane. It's a lot.
Crying is a. Is it a smart, good, healthy thing to do right now? You've got a lot that you just put out there. What can we help you with today?
Well, I'm almost to the point where I want to just, you know, I mean, it's really hard to do the debt snowball when he keeps. I mean, it's attorney, like 600 an hour. It's a high profile attorney in, like, Santa Monica. I don't know how he would do the debt snowball when he keeps adding more money.
And I also don't want to pay for this because I feel like the spouse. He should have come and said, hey, I'm thinking About getting full custody. What do you think? We call it financial infidelity here.
We call it betrayal everywhere. We call it dishonesty. We call it lying, whatever words you want to call it. But your.
Your guts all over your kitchen floor. That feeling is correct. Part of you is stolen. Part of your relationship was stolen from you.
And if I'm him, I don't get. I don't get the betrayal part. I don't get the dishonesty part. I get the ugly ends of the earth for my son.
I get that. But that's a conversation you have with your wife, right? Especially to the tune of $200,000. And it's theological.
You can't pay that. And so your feelings are justified and good. What I don't want you doing in the midst of this pain is making lobbing grenades back doesn't help anybody. I'd love for you to get with some people in your life that you can circle up with and can help you walk through this piece by piece, because there's lots of pieces.
This isn't the moment for baby steps. This is the moment for your marriages. You basically told me this morning you want a divorce. And I understand why you would say that.
There's no judgment here. But did you mean it or did you just throw that out there? Well, I mean, honestly, these past three years, I've probably threatened divorce. Honestly, it's like every other week I'm threatening divorce.
So let's stop. Let's not threaten divorce anymore either. I've reached the end of what I'm the tolerate when it comes to the deception and getting dragged through the mud and you living a dual life and your dishonesty all. I'm done with that or I'm all in on this.
But we have to be all in this together. You got one, two options. Threatening divorce, I mean, that's just. It's a weak, childish play.
Don't do that. Don't weaponize relationships and make that say I'm in or I'm out. And then once you say I'm out, then becomes a business transaction, and then we're going down the road together. Ella, John's right.
We certainly can help anybody get out of debt. But you guys aren't even. We got to reconcile some huge issues here. And one is he's not going to stop fighting for his son.
At least that's his position up to this point. So we got to get clear on that because you're going, I don't want to parent this kid at the house. Forget the money piece. The money piece is exorbitant and it's probably going to keep growing.
So John's absolutely right. This is a relationship call right now. Because then we decide what do we do with the money. I'm just curious, how much money does he make?
Well, he's a real reserves and he's a real estate agent for these last two years has been really, really good money. But he's only sold one house this month because of everything going up. So last year's made almost $100,000 and we have nothing to show for that. Are you currently paying the $12,000 in the legal fees or is he paying on that or is that just racking up?
It came with a credit card, so I think it's just racking up. And we have several finances, so I don't. I don't know. I'm not gonna stay at home, so he doesn't tell me.
Financially, I have no idea. Hell, are you safe? Like, he's not. I'm sorry, are you safe?
He's not physically abusive, but it's like he doesn't. We have an age gap and it's like he treats me like I'm his child. And all my family wants me to leave him, but I don't want to do that to my kids because I promised myself I would let my kids go through my childhood. But I'm 24 and he's 49.
We're almost 49. Okay? So I'm never, ever going to kill. If somebody's in the midst of unsafe abuse and it doesn't make it out okay, I'm not going to tell you to pull the trigger here.
I don't know necessarily that I agree. I think that there's harder things going on in your home than you're saying out loud. Is that fair? Yes, that is okay.
I want you to call somebody today. And if you got family members who say, we love you and we're seeing something that you're not seeing, what you're hanging on to is a picture of a fantasy that you created because you don't want your kids experience you did, which is beautiful and great. I'm glad you did that. The reality is your picture has changed, full stop.
Now the question is, are you gonna hang on to that old picture and drown and bring them with you, or are you gonna create something new asap? And most of us, when we're drowning, we cannot get up by ourselves. We need other people. You've got people around you say, hey, we'll help please lean on them.
And I would say, Ellie, you cannot fix this marriage on your own. Your husband is. You can't put the glass back together on your own. I think it's not a threat, but I think.
I think we gotta see if he wants this marriage. I think right now he doesn't. Right. He wants a daughter, and that's not you.
Yeah. It's time for you to reach out to your family. And y' all start making the game plan of what comes next. And if you are being hurt, get out.
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