No More Jeans For You

What’s going on? I heard you struggling. Are you…(laughs) oh, I see, can’t get your jeans on, huh? You’re all red faced and sweaty. Take it easy or you’re going to hurt yourself. Here, let me help you. Stand there, I’ll reach around from behind and…oh, wow, I can barely fit my arms around you now. I guess all my home cooking is having an effect on you. Wait, aren’t these jeans the new ones we got you? Yeah, I’m sure these are the ones we got that were two whole sizes bigger. What’s going on? Have I shrunk them? Can you shrink denim? Wow, ok, maybe no more jeans after this pair, these barely lasted two weeks. Now, hold still and breathe in. One, two and (huffing and puffing) no, no they really don’t want to go on, do they? I can’t get them up over your butt enough to do up the button. I think your butt is what’s stopping me reaching around easily. I’m kinda leaning over it to get in close to you. Next time we go out for a drink, I want to lean on it like you’re a bar stool and see if anyone notices (laughs). It’s so big now I could almost rest my drink on it like a table. You’re so puffed out, you should sit down and get your breath back. You’re not used to all this exertion anymore. It’s a shame you don’t have any more nice trousers that fit. I wanted you to have something to go with this shirt I got you. Actually, you’d better try this on. I’m not sure it’s going to fit either. I used the size you were when we went shopping for these jeans. Now I look at you, the way your belly spills on to your lap through those open jeans. There’s no way, is there? Look at those fresh, red stretch marks. It’s just gotten so big. I know we are going to dinner, but I think you’re just going to have to go in those elasticated shorts and one of those big T-shirt’s we got from the big and tall shop. It’ll be ok. I’ll dress down a bit too, so you don’t stand out too much. It’s not like it’s a black tie kind of establishment, this buffet. You’ll look fine. You always look good to me. Anyway, I hope you’re hungry. I want to get at least ten plates in you this time. Gotta get our money’s worth, right?***A submission