Notable Moment: Love Expert Reveals Why 80% Of Modern Relationships Fail

our relationships you know i think we all certainly i think i have much of my life and i say that because i look at my actions so what i might say is different to how i think i behaved over the last 10 10 15 years we see them as kind of an afterthought to everything else in regards so the amount of effort i put into my businesses and to the podcast into every little detail the creativity the thought the brainstorming all of that relationships we kind of all just think they just they just happen and if it doesn't happen perfectly then it's broken and i need to find anyone yeah that's a terrible way to think i mean and everybody knows it if you give the best of yourself at work if you bring the leftovers home if when you come home you say i've given everything i had now i'm just putting my feet on the table i just need to chill i don't want to make any effort you know slowly your relationship degrades period and then there's all kinds of ways it ends none of them are particularly joyful and basically if people were able to put a little bit of creativity attention attention into their relationships as they do with their customers or their guests relationships would be doing a lot better and my profession would be seeing a lot less people there's no doubt and why are people so lazy so complacent so unimaginative with their relationships at home i mean i see so many people when you like here you know you're not taking out your phone you're not you're looking at me you're paying attention on occasion you look for your questions and where we go but basically you're you're with me but at home you if you do this or this you know um and and then when the person tells you something really important you go uh-huh uh-huh you know and you're kind of there but not present and that's the beginning of a kind of modern loneliness actually is that this idea that you can share something really important to someone who is half there half there and i think that that's what's happening with a lot of younger people these days is that they experience a lot of half theirness and that begins to cultivate a real sense of loneliness that has to do not with i'm physically alone that has to do with do i matter who hears me who cares who pays attention who notices you know so i i sometimes the advice is very banal you know it's to tell people put your phone down take an hour and put your phone down and well you will be busy and there won't be a relationship sooner or later there won't be a relationship it's not difficult you can wait you can wait for the kids to grow up if there are kids involved but in the end it there isn't just because someone was on the phone well it's not just on the phone it's on the phone means i am continuously saying something is more important than you we come last we're cactus we don't need to be watered we can survive in the desert it's called there's a term i've been using for this that is i borrow from something else it's called ambiguous loss have you ever heard of this term ambiguous loss no ambiguous loss is a term that was developed by a colleague pauline boss a wonderful psychologist when she talked about what happens when you have some parent for example that has alzheimer they are physically present but they are psychologically gone they're emotionally absent and you can't really mourn them because they're still physically there but you're caught in this in between in this ambiguous loss on the other side you can have somebody who is deployed hostage miscarriage they are emotionally very present but they are physically absent in both cases it's an ambiguous loss you can't are they still there or are they gone who knows when we live with this phone thing when we are because you've been at work you've been at the computer you come home you think i'm so happy to finally let go of the computer you turn on the tv you turn on the tv and then you turn on the phone at the same time you're watching here you're watching next to you and most likely they often do the same thing in the end too and gradually you know there is less and less of a thread of conversation of connection of joy of sex of intimacy all of what you know that becomes ambiguous loss somebody is there but they're not really present i'm i'm you know is there a difference between me and the sofa it's comfy it's routine you sit on me but comfy and routine does do not give us joy or meaning or relevance or connection and that's what we still seem to want so it's me saying to people you know it's actually not very very complicated what did people do for centuries they took walks that's one of the few times you can't click so take a walk don't sit don't try to do you know take a walk around the block and just be in motion then you parallel you know it's not face to face it's side by side and you can talk about the day if you instead of just saying stop stop stop you just said you know let's go for a walk it's London but still you can you know and if you do half an hour walk it will you'll come back to me and you tell me what it will do but it's amazing how these small interventions that are playful creative not digging change the dynamic of the relationship because she is only pursuing you in part because of how much you are withdrawing you change she change if you want to change the other change yourself if you are enjoying this episode make me happy to share this and the rest of your episodes from other applications of escucha you you you you you