Practical Self-Coaching Questions When Your Child Struggles With Alcohol or Drugs

When You Confiscate Substances and Things Explode One of the most common scenarios parents face is taking away a substance — a vape pen, pills, alcohol, weed — only to have the situation escalate rapidly. Kids may become aggressive, threaten to hurt themselves, or say things that are genuinely frightening. Brenda and Cathy are clear that the first self-coaching question in any of these moments is the same: am I safe right now? 'If they will not calm down and will not leave, then you have to leave. We would always rather have them leave, right? 'Cause your home is kind of your sanctuary. But if you have to, you have to.' — Brenda Zane Getting physical distance — even just stepping outside or going to another room — can allow things to de-escalate. Calling someone to have another person on the line, even just to help you breathe and talk through what is happening, can also help. And if your child has been to treatment before, Cathy noted that role-modeling your own coping tools — like saying out loud that you need a few minutes to breathe — can actually invite them to do the same. Holding Boundaries and Allowing Natural Consequences This is described as one of the hardest situations parents face. When you hold a boundary and do not rescue your child, you may watch them end up in the hospital, in jail, or in other painful situations. Cathy was honest about her own history of bailing her son out, and what it cost her. 'I knew I was robbing him of the opportunity to grow and to learn, but I kept doing it because it was easier on me to not have to feel the ick that I felt when I let him suffer the natural consequences. So it was on me. Like it was 100% on me.' — Cathy Cioth The self-coaching questions here are: does my decision align with my values? And: am I rescuing my child, or am I helping them avoid natural consequences? Cathy and Brenda both shared that people in recovery frequently say the turning point came when their parents stopped making things easier. Brenda put it simply: 'The data is in.' When Your Child Threatens Suicide to Get What They Want Suicide threats used as negotiation — to get money, avoid a consequence, or pressure a parent — are something many families in the community experience. The advice Cathy and Brenda share, which they say comes from professionals they have worked with, is unambiguous: always take it seriously, every time, no matter how many times you have heard it. Calling 911 is the recommended response even when you believe it is a manipulation tactic, because it sends a clear message that this is not an acceptable strategy — and because parents in their community have found, after calling, that the threat was more serious than they thought. Beyond the safety question, the related self-coaching question is: am I taking this personally? Cathy described it this way — you are the first ring around the stone thrown in the lake. You feel everything first. But the person saying these things is a hurting human being trying to get what they need, and what is coming out of their mouth is often the substance speaking, not your child. Vacations, Family Events, and Active Addiction With this episode airing in summer, Brenda and Cathy addressed a timely question: should you bring your child who is in active use on a family vacation? Both had tried it. Neither recommended it without serious advance planning. 'We have this vision of how things used to be when the family was all together on vacation. We want that desperately, not just for our kid who's struggling, but also for their siblings.' — Brenda Zane The self-coaching questions here are: have you communicated your expectations and boundaries around behavior in advance? And: what are your own expectations — are you bringing them for appearances' sake? Cathy noted that it is okay to simply say 'it didn't work out for her to come this time' without a full explanation. Getting creative — like one parent taking the siblings on a trip while the other stays home — may serve everyone better than forcing an experience that is likely to fall apart. The Strain on Siblings and Your Partner Running through every scenario is the impact on the rest of the family. Siblings often feel like second-class citizens. Partners drift into living like roommates. Cathy was transparent that she and her husband were 'not very good at this' and that she carried enormous guilt about doing anything enjoyable while her son was struggling. The self-coaching question for siblings is simple: what can I do today to let them know they are seen and loved? It does not have to be an outing. It can be a hug, eye contact, and saying 'I see you. This is really hard.' The same approach applies to a partner. As Brenda put it — wash, rinse, repeat. A short walk, a note, undivided attention without phones. Small things matter. 'There is no expiration date on using your skills. So if it takes you three days to get it together, to talk to your coach, to come join us in the community and start sorting it out, that's okay.' — Brenda Zane And finally — these self-coaching questions are not about finding your child's dealer, going through their phone, or figuring out the perfect consequence. They are about grounding yourself so that when you do respond, you respond in a way that is calm, clear, and aligned with what you actually value.